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How do I become dominant for this guy?

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am mid twenties and I have always shied away from topping due to problems with premature ejaculation. I have also never really felt truly comfortable with sex because I used to be very overweight and have never felt sexy. So mostly I bottom and don't really enjoy it much.

I have a new boyfriend and everything is perfect in our relationship apart from the sex. He is a clear bottom and doesn't like topping, he likes a dominant top and is into dirty talk. I don't exude sexual confidence and don't feel comfortable talking dirty because of my hang ups regarding sex and I think he finds that a turn off. He likes a guy that knows what he wants sexually.

We have developed a very strong bond without sex but now the topic has came up and we're both unhappy. I have problems with trying to be flirty incase it comes across as creepy or seedy so find it hard to get him in the mood.

I really want to become comfortable with sex, What can I do to change and become the dominant top he desires? I feel like this will be the end off our relationship if I can't fix this. Everything other aspect of our relationship is amazing and we are very much in love.

Please help.

View related questions: confidence, ejaculation, flirt, in the mood, overweight

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

I am not sure that you have to force yourself to be who you are not. Not everyone likes dirty talk during sex. I personally absolutely hate it. It makes me laugh when a guy starts wispering to me all these words, i dont know how it even turns people on. I would rather hear something gentle and loving.

I dont like many things some guys love to do. I dont like spanking, or anal sex, or when they splash their sperm all over my body.I find it gross , not erotic,and not sexy at all. I dont like certain positions, like sitting on top, especially if a guy has large penis, because it goes in to deep and hurts me. And i hate when a guy insists on me doing something i dont like.

I dont think you should force yourself to do anything with anyone. It should come naturally and slow.

With that said, your lack of confidence can be a turn off. Dont dwell on past when you were overweight. Premature ejaculation is very common among very young people. You are not the only one that has/had it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

There are other ways you and your partner can be intimate excluding anal. You could try those too.

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (30 October 2016):

like I see it agony auntIf you're having trouble coming up with dirty talk, start reading erotica. Seriously. You can even find it online. When you read something that's hot (to you), make a mental note of it and use it later when the time is right. Sex isn't a term paper, so you never have to cite your sources in the bedroom :)

It honestly sounds like a lot of the rest is in your mind. I don't think you should change for your boyfriend (or any guy) but since you don't sound like you're in a healthy place in terms of self-esteem, I think you should want to change for YOU.

You said you "used to be" overweight, so I assume you are not anymore. Instead of being worried that where you are isn't good enough, remember how far you have come in terms of your personal transformation. And rest assured that your boyfriend wouldn't have chosen to date someone he isn't stoked to have the chance to see naked. So there's that.

Premature ejaculation isn't the end of the world, or of your sex life. It happens to many men at some point in their lives. For your own peace of mind though I think you should see your doctor to rule out any underlying medical cause, although odds are it's due to the anxiety you feel about sex.

You can also try masturbating more often. Men who jerk off TOO frequently often have the opposite problem - they last too long - because no mouth, anus, or vagina grips with the same strength as a hand and that's what they're used to. (Sorry to be graphic.) What you're aiming to do is hit that happy medium - desensitize your penis *slightly*, so that you're not stimulated enough to reach climax in the first few minutes of intercourse. In the meantime, while you're practicing, you can tease your partner with toys or beads (you can be dominant and talk dirty about this too; tell him in graphic detail what you're going to do and then do it) to draw out foreplay so that he gets plenty of sensation even if the time you're actually penetrating him isn't as long.

Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (29 October 2016):

Denizen agony auntYou are what you are. I think you should appreciate that. You need to try to find a way to make it work with your partner. if you don't then you might end up looking for someone more compatible.

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