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I've met the perfect guy but after getting back in contact with my ex I am confused

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Flirting, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *itti_kat123 writes:

I’ve been dating this seemingly perfect guy for the past couple of months and honestly the way he is with me and treats me is just perfect. I have a ‘check list’ of everything I want in a man he is everything and more BUT... Out of the blue my ex contacted me! I had a long history with my ex we was together for 4 years and broke up almost 3 years ago. The break up was hard as I was pregnant just before and had a miscarriage then right after that everything fell apart. The relationship had its issues and we would fight and argue a lot to the point it because almost became toxic but we always had the best time together and I was crazy about him! We have been talking on the phone and have spoken about everything from our past and it is really making me feel something for him again. No one understands me like he does, he just gets me every single thing about me and he accepts my past and would always motivate me in my career and encourage me. The way I can just be 100% myself with him and talk to him about my dreams and life plans and the way we just laugh together honestly I forgot the last time I have laughed like that! It’s like with him I just feel at home! He was never Mr perfect and wasn’t romantic the way I would have liked him to be and on my ‘check list’ he isn’t half of what I would want in someone but I’m starting to think love isn’t even a check list right? You just can’t help how you feel about someone! He moved away because of his job and hasn’t had a serious relationship since we broke up. He told me he has always loved me and I’ve always felt the same about him but just I accepted that it was over and tried to move on with my life.

Before i met this new guy I hadn’t dated anyone for a whole year as I’ve just been working on myself and focusing on building my career and now I meet this amazing man my ex turns up and messes with my head! I don’t know if I’m just attached to the fantasy of him and what could have been or if or if there really is something still there. I am just so confused now I honestly thought I had found the perfect man for me but now it’s like what I have with him doesn’t even come close to what I had with my ex. Yes he is an amazing guy but I definitely do not click with him on the same level as I do with my ex so now I am even questioning if he is right for me! What should I do? Should I cut all contact with my ex?

View related questions: broke up, move on, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntLet the current guy go, he sounds like he is falling hard for you so please don't hurt him and break his heart, the sooner you end things the better for him.

Stop with the checklist, life doesn't work like that.

Stop contacting the ex, it was toxic and you are interested in the good times you have and you are not thinking about the bad times. You broke up for a reason and it was three years ago. End the contact, it will only end in tears. I wonder if you where single would your ex have contacted you? I doubt it!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017):

ok the new guy is everything you want in a man, but your ex was a bad boy, so you dump the new guy ,an the ex once who he knows he has you where he wants you, he will become the jerk once again, that how it works,one day you will get away from him just to fine another guy just like him, i feel sorry for the nice guy, just remember he has a heart, an he wanted to give it to you

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with N91 and Chigirl,

Neither is right for you.

The ex-bf IS an ex for a reason. Going back to an ex-partner is RARELY a good idea. You ARE idealizing your ex-bf.

And the new guy? He might be a GREAT you, doesn't mean he is GREAT for you. If a little contact with an ex-bf makes you question what you have YOU probably don't feel that deeply for the new one either. And in a sense you are being a tad unfair on the new guy, you have only been dating a few months and somehow expects to have the same level connection as you did with your ex-bf. EACH person is different, each relationship you have is different. You can't clone that.

I think the BEST thing is for you to cut the contact with the ex-bf - he ISN'T helping you to move forward and consider if staying with the new guy is really what you want.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (27 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntAs hard as it might sound, neither of these men are right for you.

To keep it simple, I will explain this using "the heart" and "the head". The heart wants your ex. You have chemistry there, with him. It feels amazing, he brings out laughter and tear and all these passions and feelings. I am sure the sex was great too, it usually is when the heart gets its way. Or should I say, the body? Because ultimately, feelings of such nature, and chemistry, are about being a good physical match. Instinctual match. You would make cute babies, in other words.

But your mind and head, your intellect, is screaming NOOOOOO! Because he's bordering on toxic for you. You broke up for a reason. He gave you a lot of pain. He isn't right for you, and you know it.

Then the second guy is all your head wants. Logically you can look at him and see that he checks the boxes, he is amazing in all aspects. But where is the chemistry?

This is why you are confused, because your head and your heart are being pulled to two different men. But the answer is simple: neither is for you. The right one for you is when both head AND heart agree. When you meet a man who both check all your boxes AND makes your heart pound and makes you want to tear his clothes off, who gets your jokes and makes you laugh... When you meet that guy, your ex will seem very faint in comparison. You would not have any doubts. You would know this this man is it for you. It will be obvious from a very early point, no need to wait a year or two, you will know within a week or at least the first three months. It will just click and that's it, like two pieces of a puzzle.

So no, neither of these men, not mr. Perfect on paper or mr. Ex boyfriend who gets me, are the one for you.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (27 March 2017):

N91 agony auntHe is an ex for a reason.

You said things were toxic, so what makes you think anything will be different this time? I think you're right when you said you're fixated on the fantasy of what could be, but it never will be that way or it already would be!

Dont bring this new guy into the mess, it sounds like you still need more time to yourself before you're ready to start dating again imo.

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