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How can I believe there is a good guy out there?

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I feel like I have given up on love- my whole life

I'm in my early thirties now but I used to believe that there was a nice guy out there and that if ur a genuine person that will be rewarded. I'm 32 and I have completely lost faith in love - I've been with two men that have been so selfish and have exhausted my hopes.

I blame them but after the last one whom I was just so genuine with and he picked me up and threw me away - I can't seem to carry on- I haven't dated in a year since him- I haven't had the spark in me anymore- I feel overwhelmed when I date men - all of a sudden dating seems like flying to the moon- I'm always so worried about pleasing someone or if this or if that - that I become emotionally and physically exhausted.

It seems impossible to find a man that is genuine and that is caring and attentive. It makes my heart break but I can't seem to gather myself- has anyone dealt with this- is there any hope? I feel so empty and saddened .

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (27 March 2017):

malvern agony auntYou have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince so don't give up! I know exactly how you feel though having 'been there' myself but you just have to keep going. Immerse yourself into some sort of hobby or club and try to forget about finding somebody. Very often somebody comes along just when you least expect it. Quite often you can grow close to somebody you've known for a long time but never thought about romantically. One way of meeting a lot of single people is going to French Jive classes (also known as Ceroc) where you can just go along on your own. You get to dance with just about everybody there and get to know them quite well. People end up having a good social life through this and many partnerships are formed.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Phil,

Take a break from dating. When you are not in the right mindset (and you don't seem to be) you aren't going to meet someone who is good for you. What you PUT out there is what you get back. And right now you are bitter that whatever fantasy of a "perfect life" hasn't just happened to you.

We aren't rewarded a mate for being a good person, by the cosmos.

So I'd suggest instead of focusing on how HARD dating is, how few good men you seem to met, how disappointing life is... that you SET yourself some goals to DO things that make YOU happy, to do things for others too perhaps, like volunteering. With volunteering, you DO aim to please, but it will give you back 10 fold. Personally, I'm NOT a people person so I volunteer at an animal shelter and it's such a pick me up. If volunteering isn't your thing (and that is fine too) Find a hobby and join a group. Make new friends and acquaintances. BE positive. And what you PUT out there is what you will get back.

I think people who are disillusioned with life, as Phil calls it, comes off as negative energy and you don't "attract" positive people with negative energy.

Another thing that CAN help is starting to work out. Go swimming, join a gym, start riding your bike, horseback riding whatever is possible for you to do. IF you can't afford most gym fees or other fees, TAKE a good 45 min. walk EVERy day. It will make you feel good about yourself when you set goals and MEET those goals and again... you will PUT out a whole different set of vibes.

Focus on YOU for now. Be your own best friend and cheerleader.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time with relationships. After the initial frisson every relationship needs to be worked on if it is to endure, but if you are being badly treated early on then it is fortunate that it has ended because things would certainly NOT get better with time.

It may be you are attracted to the same type of person each time because you are always fishing in the same pool. Try to widen your circle of interests and you might find you come across someone more suitable. Having been through the mill a few times myself, I have to say that when I was looking intently for a new partnership nothing suitable seemed to present itself. When I decided to give up the search for a while and just find myself, so to speak, then something positive arrived.

Perhaps, because of this sense of desperation and loss, you have been unintentionally transmitting this to others. If so, the good guys will disappear over the horizon, the bad guys will take advantage of you. Hope you are successful in your search.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

Sorry to say I have no advice because I am in the same boat as you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I have had a string of failed relationships, I'm currently in one that is proving true to form and on the edge of ending after 3 years.

IMHO men are selfish by nature in the main, there may be exceptions to the rule but I have yet to meet one.

I am 44 and have decided enough is enough after this ends.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (27 March 2017):

Phil052 agony auntHi there! You've become disillusioned due to poor past experiences, but there are decent men out there and you are still young. I would suggest joining groups where you will meet like minded men and getting to know them as friends first. That way any relationship that develops will be on sounder foundations. Don't give up hope! Good luck for the future!

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