A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello!My boyfriend and I normally spend every Christmas at his ex girlfriends house so that he can spend the day with his son. It's incredibly nice of her to let us spend it there and even more so that her boyfriend is ok with it too.We have been together for four years this coming springs so I have had 3 Christmas days there and it has always been a fun day, but this year is the first year I really don't want to go. I'm not being mean or selfish, but I'm due to have our first child just 17 days before Christmas day so I don't really want to spend the day with a newborn in someone else's house. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it and he said it's not very nice thing to do when she had already asked us if we are still going this year.At the time I said yes because I couldn't really say no when my stepson was standing there, so I said I'd ask my boyfriend who of course said yes.I don't want to fall out with anyone but I want to be at home with my newborn, and not having to travel across town. I'd love to have his son here whenever he wanted, Christmas eve, Christmas day, whatever but I don't feel like there would be any point.My family will of course want to see our baby on the day, but they wouldn't be able to visit their house, so that's not going to happen, and for once I would love to cook the meal and just sit on our sofa watching tv and just relaxing in our home. I don't want to come across as selfish, and I really hope no one thinks I am being but is there anyway I could do things my way without upsetting anyone? I'm heavily pregnant and all the stress is making me so emotional. It's our baby's first Christmas, so what's the harm in spending it in our home instead of their daddy's ex's
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 November 2014):
 I agree with Chigirl.
there is plenty of time to tell the mom of your boyfriend's first child that you are not coming any more for Xmas.
In fact, it's time to split the families up... she can have him xmas eve and xmas morning.. dad (your boyfriend) can go get him around noon and bring him to your place and do your family thing at your home.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): Well, the way I understand it you and your BF's ex are comfortable with each other. So why don't you ask her to spend the 4th christmas at your place? Tell her next year's christmas will be at her place.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I agree with everything Chigirl has said, but also wanted to add another point.
You say you are due 17 days before Christmas - but that is only an "estimate". Babies are notorious for doing their own thing! And do often not stick to the prescribed timetable of when they should arrive.
It is not unheard of for babies to be late, which could put you in a completely different situation around the time of Christmas.
Being a new mother, never having been through the experience, you also do not know how it will affect you, your baby, or how physically exhausted you might be. It is understandable that you would want to be in your own home, surrounded by your own things, beginning to get a routine together.
As a Mother, your BF's ex should understand your concerns, and it is right that your own family should be around you at this special time.
I think you need to sit down with your BF, explain the practicalities in a clear and calm way.
If he has ANY understanding of childbirth at all, hopefully he should get what you are trying to say.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 Sounds like the solution is that you stay at home withe the baby, and have your family/friends come over to visit you and the baby. Then your boyfriend can go to his ex to be with his son, for most of the day, and then maybe bring the son back to your place in the evening to spend the night or something.
I don't see why there is "no point" in having your step son over and visit at your home. Can you explain why this would be pointless? The point is for father and son to be together, and they can do that at your place as well as at the ex's. Besides I think it would be nice for the two SIBLINGS to be together as well. Have you considered that? You didn't mention anything about it, so Im not sure if you have considered the fact that your step son and your baby are siblings, and ought to spend time together. I am sure your step son would like to meet and greet his baby brother/sister. They are family, and it is only natural that they should be together. Otherwise there will be a distance between them, a distance that is one of the reasons why I do not want half siblings, if I get the choice. Half siblings need to grow up together, and spend time together, otherwise it's just another stranger you don't have any connection with.. and that's just sad considering they are siblings. It benefits both your child, and your step son, that they have siblings. Letting them both grow up like only children is really depriving them of an important relationship in their lives.
Just something to think about... You should try and see it from that angle also, and not just in the perspective of "old family versus new family".
I do think that you, as an adult, and as a soon-to-be mother, have the right to decide for yourself where you will be on Christmas day. You decide what you will be comfortable with, where you want to go etc. I also think it will probably be way too much stress and bother for you to go to another place for Christmas, because all new mothers I know have been extremely tired and exhausted, sleep deprived and extremely concerned for their baby, especially when it is the first baby they have. But I don't think you will be able to convince your boyfriend to NOT see his son on Christmas... You will probably have to manage on your own at home, hopefully you can have some of your own family come over, and then try to sort out some form of compromise with your boyfriend.
Remember though, it is just a day. Not a weekend, or full week. We're talking about a day here, and I have confidence in you getting through a day on your own with your newborn, in the case that your boyfriend goes to his ex to be with his oldest son.
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