A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been living with my so-called fiancé for 10 years. We have 2 kids. Originally we planned to get married right away and went so far as to fill out all the paperwork but never ended up having a ceremony because of my student loan debt. Flash forward ten years, I now have hospital debts because I don't qualify for medicaid and cannot afford to pay out of pocket (I am a sahm for now--I will pay it off eventually!). Anyway, the house and car and all the bills are in his name. He claims the kids on his taxes. Recently he told me that we don't need to ever get married because it's "just a piece of paper". It's too late now, isn't it? I still want to get married (we live in an optional community property state so my debt will not be his -- something he doesn't seem to understand). My parents have offered to pay for my dress and the reception. However, he keeps throwing around the idea that I would marry him for his money (we were poor and now he makes $2k/wk in the oil fields) and take him for everything in the divorce! I even offered to sign a pre-nup but he said no. Now, if it were just me and him in this relationship, it would be over at this point. But, we have kids (with *his* last name because we were planning to get married). They are little (grade school) but they will be heartbroken and their lives destroyed. I don't know what to do. I really love him but I feel he must not love me anymore if he doesn't want to marry me (and maybe he never did). Lately when we fight he's been telling me to leave if I don't like it here (and he says it in front of the kids). Then I cry and pack my things and he begs me to stay. I effing hate that game. Any advice?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2014):
 You wouldn't have medical bills if he married you.
He's probably already claiming you as a deduction if he supports you (that is legal btw as long as you don't file your own taxes but I would A. file your own taxes and claim your children (and get that earned income credit)
NO he's not going to marry you.
what you need to get married is a license and trip to the court house... no muss no fuss no dress.... and he won't do it...
I would pack up the kids and find a place to stay and tell him you are NOT returning till he puts a ring on it.
If he really loves you and the kids then that will be what he will do.
contact a family attorney to find out what he will have to pay you in child support for the kids... with that and the EIC you can probably afford a small place and school and don't need him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): Previous anon male again.May I ask why baby daddy times two is sticking you with medical bills that you incurred because he refuses to marry you (which would have made you eligible for health insurance as his spouse) and he wants you to stay home with his children? If he's going to allow the mother of his children to go without health insurance, then it would seem that out-of-pocket medical expenses would be an expected part of the price that he can afford to pay for you to be an unmarried and unemployed stay-at-home baby mama/live-in girlfriend.You have no income, no assets and bad credit. He really has you under his financial thumb, which I suspect is exactly where he wants you. If your parents are willing to help out with a sham of a wedding that will never happen, then I suggest that you request they help you achieve a measure of financial independence that you'll never obtain on your own given your current inequitable non-legal status.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): "Recently he told me that we don't need to ever get married because it's 'just a piece of paper'."It's "just a piece of paper" to him because as things stand he has absolutely nothing to gain by marrying you; he enjoys all of the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities, he controls all the assets while you are saddled with all the debts."He refuses to support me if I get a 'frivolous major' . . ."Meaning he's attempting to use your financial dependence on him to control you."I'm a sahm because that's what we decided would be best for the children and since we can afford it that's what I do."HE can afford it. "I have medical bills because I don't qualify for health care and so I go to the ER if I have an emergency (that's if I can't treat it myself)."Then you CAN'T afford to be unmarried and unemployed.Question: Where would you be and what would you do if he dropped dead while shaving tomorrow morning? As a shack-up girlfriend you'd have no claim to his assets and you'd have no way of paying the mortgage or car note, and his blood relatives could swoop in and sell the house out from under you. "Any advice?"Consult a family law attorney ASAP, for your children's sake if not yours. The absence of a certificate of marriage means you and your children do not enjoy the legal protections that "just a piece of paper" would provide, and so you need a legal substitute.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
 I get the staying at home when your children are too young to be in school. I did that myself and believe it is preferable to leaving them in someone else's care. So if you can afford it, great. However, I assume the plan wasn't that you stay at home forever and the fact that you're in school confirms that. I totally understand his stance on 'frivolous majors'. A degree can be a good investment but only when it's for something marketable. I agree with your position that marriage is preferable to just shacking up. If you're going to put in the effort and make the sacrifices of a wife you should be entitled to legal recognition and protection of one. However, I don't think it's accurate to label every unmarried man as 'enjoying the cow'. Getting married 10 years in would be formally and officially agreeing to a status quo he obviously isn't happy with. I think if he sees you as a partner (which will take time) who can support herself and who is therefore an asset, not just a dependent who washes his clothes, he might be more receptive to making it official. At the very least you would be in a better negotiating position.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): OP here.
Actually I am going back to school. He refuses to support me if I get a "frivolous major", but honestly, that was never an issue, because grants & loans.
I'm a sahm because that's what we decided would be best for the children & since we can afford it that's what I do. However he does resent me for getting to stay home. I have medical bills because I don't qualify for health care & so I go to the ER if I have an emergency (that's if I can't treat it myself). His insurance covers the children.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2014):
 He's been putting you off for 10 years. Your debts were an excuse, and now he's made it clear that he never wants to marry you.
However, what state do you live in now? After 10 years, there are a number of states that observe common law marriage rights.
And why are you a SAHM? And medical bills? Do you have an ongoing health issue? Are these bills for your kids? Because why isn't he helping with them if they are also his kids? Why is he NOT paying you child support now? Just because you live together doesn't mean he shouldn't physically pay money into your account for child support.
He has manipulated you big time, and you've let him. If you were to leave him and he's whining about money, he's going to HATE child support, much less whatever your state mandates due to common law marriage issues.
You might as well stop calling him your fiance, because you aren't getting married. Though, if he got wind of you knowing your rights, he may all of a sudden push desperately FOR the marriage as opposed to paying the child support (oh! and he owes you arrears if he hasn't been these past several years), but you wouldn't want that, would you?
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
How exactly does your not being able to dress up like a medieval faery princess for a day cause your children to be heartbroken and their lives destroyed? I know plenty of children whose parents aren't married and none of them are heartbroken. Not one. This is melodramatic nonsense.You're a stay at home mum when your kids are too young to be in school. When they're in school full time, you're just unemployed. And I think THAT is part of, if not THE, problem here.Your fiance clearly feels more than a little resentful that he is carrying the family entirely by himself, while you incur one form of debt after another. If you're not employed, you're not paying off them off and unless the government doesn't mind floating you indefinitely, HE's paying them on top of everything else. He might have a very well paying job, but it isn't all about the money. It's also symbolic. His idea of marriage was a partnership. The reality is he's got another dependent so spending more of his hard earned money on a fancy party for YOU is not his top priority.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Time to go to school and get a career. He knows you CAN'T leave, so he makes the rules. He'd besetting you in a flash if you were independent.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 He is in his comfort zone and why buy the cow when the milk is free. The loan is an excuse as you can marry someone anti nuptial contract, he then does not assume your debt. If the wedding means so much to you, then you need to stop being his partner, you can and will always be mum to your kids. I also think your so called fiancé knows your financial constraints and is secure that you will not leave with the kids. I must admit its not a nice place to be. Your parents are willing to help so maybe you need to take their assistance and start working to becoming independent. This way he will feel threatened as he too comfortable having you there knowing its hard for you to move out. Men like the control they have over woman when they are financially dependent on them.
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