A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I posted before but was asked for more context/ info, so I'm re-posting with more detail. I split up with my long term partner a few months ago - we broke up after a big argument which was involved some big misunderstanding then we both said things we regretted - he was depressed because of all the money he lost in his divorce (when i met him years ago he was estranged from his wife and she was with someone else but the divorce only became final a couple of years ago) - he seems to have had some sort of breakdown over his divorce - he has been verbally abusive in the past - whilst we were apart i saw it as a case of us being 'estranged' or on a break, rather than properly split up and we spoke every day on the phone and there was still affection etc there.There were various history issues, such as earlier in the year he had wanted to come back but i played it cool because of how he had behaved in the past and he took it to heart and felt refected then another argument happened. I think he does have a bit of a slight mental problem and I have asked him to get counselling. We were together for nearly 8 years and went through a lot together and we both still care for each other. He hasn't seen anyone else since we last saw each other and he seems very withdrawn and insecure at the moment but I do love him and I would like to at least try again. I'm actually really out of sorts without him - and I do miss him. The thing is that but we met up this week and we arranged to meet up again next week but I feel as though it's very tenuous. Is it best to take it slowly and meet up once a week and rebuild a friendship/relationship rather than rush? I'm a bit impatient and I miss him a lot but I can also see the sense in just taking it slowly. It's tempting to just jump into bed with him cos I still really fancy him but again, I wonder if it's better to take it easy in that area as well. I'm not sure what is the best way to approach this situation as I've never got back with an 'ex' before. The other thing is that he and one of my daughters don't get on (my daughters are 20 and 18 yrs old and he is not their father). We agreed to meet up next week on Christmas Eve and he is spending Christmas day with his son and ex wife and we agreed to meet up in the New Year also so I guess things are moving in the right direction but I just feel impatient and I am worried about him going over to the ex wife for Christmas as she has split up with her partner recently but he told me that their grown up kids didn't want him to have to spend xmas alone (this was arranged before he and I met up this week) so they asked if he could join them for lunch and she said yes ok. Any advice would be appreciated as I have been quite stressed and worried and I feel as though it's been affecting my health etc.. Thanks. Tanya x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Hi, this is the original poster here. Thank you for taking the time to answer my posts. The problem with my partner is that he never really says what he wants - he tends to be quite weak at times and anyone that knows him well knows he has a problem with saying what he wants .. so i guess this sounds strange now! He tends to use cards for example, to say how he feels, as he says 'the cards say it better than me' - so even if, deep down, he really cares and wants to make a go of it, he will say 'let's see how it goes' and he will say 'actions speak louder than words' etc .. I just feel that after 8yrs together and going through an awful divorce with him it would be a shame if he got back with his ex wife - or had a one night stand with her at xmas and compromised him & me! he seems like he has had some sort of breakdown as his confidence has gone down and he seems to find it hard to communicate - his own fatehr is a very isolated anti social person whose wife says he walks around their home town on his own and doesn't speak to anyone so i worry he has traits of his dad. It is a long long story and hard to put all in one short post but he definitely has psychological problems and that view has been expressed by a number of people. Also he can be verbally abusive as can his ex wife and they have both sneered at me in the past for being educated (i have a law degree and a masters in law and genetics) so they can both be quite insecure at times. Their son is lovely and he has said to me 'i don't know HOW I turned out normal' as he says his parents are both very bad tempered and have had some vicious arguments. He has also sneered at me for living in a housing association house and I think he looks down on me because I have a mixed race daughter and am a single parent but actually my daughter has just got a first class degree from a good university and I am proud of her and I get angry and upset about his attitude at times. I have put up with a lot and a big part of me feels it is waste of years if i don't try with him and I guess part of me thinks I can change him for the better! Sorry for the long post. T
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Hello Tanya
Although you are aware of my views on 'exes', and trying to re-start relationships, I can see that your mind is in turmoil. Both Bitterblue and Oldersister have given you fantastic advice.
But now, in the space of 24 hours, your mindset has changed and I think we are getting closer to how you really feel.
Yesterday, you were asking if you should take things slowly, and build a friendship. Now, you want to speed things up.
Read what I said yesterday. You have fear in your heart. You think his ex-wife will make a move on him over Christams. So, I guess you are planning to jump into bed with him BEFORE he goes to stay with her.
But is that a good reason? Is that the best way for you to try to restart things?
I am also getting the impression that you are starting to become a little desperate. Two posts today, after the one yesterday. We now know what you want to happen. But Oldersister asks the all-important question.
What does he want?
I believe two people break up for a reason. Break-ups are messy, and painful. They are rarely a 'test' to see if a relationship is strong. They happen because something is not right.
So are you papering over the cracks, trying to make excuses for the issues that split you up? If you try again, will those issues appear again? Are you simply 'comfortable' with the old relationship, faults and all, and too afraid too look forward to something special and different?
You only have one life, we are all only here once. So, live happily. Good luck!!
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