A
male
age
30-35,
*oulta
writes:I met this girl while I was traveling in Thailand where I ended up saving her life, 3 months later she leaves Canada and comes to Australia for a year working/traveling. Everything was going great for the first few days then when we talking about being in a relationship she said she didn't want anything to happen between us because she "likes me too much" and didn't want to get hurt when she leaves. I told her a year is a long time, anything can happen and I wouldn't said no to the idea of me moving to Canada for a year to work when she goes back. She keeps saying she's too much of a mess, has issues and doesn't understand why I like her so much. I told her they won't scare me off, I want to be there for her and I like her because she's different and we have this unbelievable connection together. The issue of getting hurt when she leaves keeps coming, she said it always happens.Is there anything I can do? I completely understand where she is coming from but isn't it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (21 March 2014):
She is not interested in you.....move on!
Her lame ass excuses are brutal. If she did care she would do anything to make you apart of her life.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 March 2014):
Perhaps in the future she may come around but trying to convince her otherwise, at the moment, will definitely not work. In the mean time let her figure herself out and feel free to move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 March 2014):
 Maybe for YOU it is, but she doesn't see it that way, so why keep pushing? You can't MAKE her want to be in a relationship and obviously she DOESN'T want one right now.
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A
male
reader, tissuetiger +, writes (20 March 2014):
 i just had one of those....she was scared of what we had and still dated and we finally broke up.is it better to have loved? for what i had to go thru.....no i wish i never met her ...i have been so misrable since our break up i cant tell you.Im heart broken and she wont respond to anything. Its sad.we had all the same things including the connection.but we bumped heads on some stuff and i would handle it differant now but at the time i handled it like a jackass and now shes gone
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): I strongly DISAGREE to some aunts here. For me, she is just scared to love. There are really people who are scared to LOVE, especially if they had a bad experienced with past relationships. Maybe she cant afford to waste her time.
Even if she likes you she chose not to because, she's scared. It happens. Not because she's not into you. Its because of her personal issues.
What to do?
if you REALLY care for her, be there for her, let her know she can trust you that Your different from the rest. You will not just let her go. Show her your sincere intention.
But if she still refuses after all your hard work, say for a month then that's the time to let go. TRY. you never know.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2014):
 She’s making it clear to you that she is not interested in a relationship with you and she’s being very kind about it. If you continue to push her it will result in her cutting you off entirely.
BTW you said “I ended up saving her life” well that seems a bit over the top and overly dramatic at least to me…. could you elaborate as to this and perhaps that will help explain why she’s putting you off.
YOU feel an “unbelievable connection” perhaps she does not.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2014):
 For you it is better to have loved and lost. But I think she's already experienced love, and having lost it. She's already done it, and has no need to put herself though that type of pain again. Even if you mean well, you must also respect that she knows herself better than you do, and if she tells you she is too much of a mess then don't assume you know her better than she does herself and you can handle it. You don't know that, you're just hoping you can handle it.
But she knows who she is and what she is ready to handle. Even if you see it as a sign of fear or weakness in her, and that life is about the gamble and taking risks, perhaps right now she's just not prepared for that gamble, and perhaps she simply can not afford to lose. Thus, gambling is not an option.
I very much understand your frustration, you want this so badly, you're crazy about her, and you are positive you will work it out and you are hopeful and in love. You feel like you can take on the world for her. But just because this is how YOU feel, doesn't mean she is wrong to not feel the same way.
For her, this is not about taking a risk to be happy. This is about you pressuring her to make a decisions she'd rather not take right now. She isn't in the right place for a relationship, or a long distance one, or a relationship with you for whatever reason... she's just not there right now, and it doesn't feel right, it feels like too much of a gable for very little gain, and the losses would be too grave. Perhaps she actually sincerely DOES have problems she needs to sort out first, for her own sake, in order for her to do better in HER life. Perhaps she is the type who focuses too much on boyfriends, and she knows if she were with you the relationship would ultimately get in the way of her doing what she needs to do, regardless of how much you will support her. Some people just sacrifice too much too easily, and can't stop themselves. And, believe it or not, but most men do NOT sacrifice to the same degree as women do in a relationship, and they are for most part completely blind to the sacrifices that are made. This is not an attack on you, but you need to be aware that even if you mean well and love her and you're crazy about her, you might not be in her best interest.
Trust her to know herself better than you do. If she's not ready for a commitment now with you, don't pressure for it. Let it be. Things will develop naturally if they're meant to. Settle with friendship for now, and put your focus on something else for the time being.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): In a nice, but indirect way, of telling you she isn't romantically attracted to you.
You may have saved her life,so you say, and may feel something for her. Unless you feel she has some obligation to you, accept that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. You can't force her to, and you should let up.
Nothing is more foolish than ignoring someone telling you that they are a mess, and they don't want to get hurt. That is a red-flag big enough to cover a town. She has emotional problems, and probably a mental disorder, that she does not wish to discuss with you.
You may be a romantic, but you were infatuated with her.
Love has to be reciprocated for it to be true love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Of course it is better to love and lost. People do it until they get married, or even then divorces happen, and hearts get broken. This just how life is.
With this girl can be 2 things: she is affraid of being hurt, or she doesn't want you.
And sheis making up stories. Even if she was hurt before, it's very hard to resist a guy who is obviously so much interested and who she really likes. For any girl it would be almost impossible thing to do: to stay away from a guy she likes. And who is obviously is not just after sex.
I think you take her story with a big doubt.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I agree with Sugarplum786. This girl is trying to let you down gently. Right now she does not see you as boyfriend material. Maybe as she spends more time with you, she may change her mind, but right now, you cannot force her to see you as more than a friend.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 March 2014):
 It seems this girl is trying to get over someone and she likes you as a friend. I also don't think she is into you. Don't push it and accept the friendship as you risk the fact that even if she gets into a relationship with you, you will be the rebound guy.
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