A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:prior to a question id asked the other day http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-brother-is-verbally-abusing-me-and-ive5.htmlWell i took the great advice , thanks guys for that, decided to cut my brother out of my life.However in doing so, i've hit some pretty serious hurdles in the family.I would appreciate more advice.After my post, and asking my brother to "leave me alone" later that evening i was startled to receive yet another message from him, which did confuse me , alot!He accused me of "slagging" him off to his GF through text.I told him id not spoken to her at all and not texted her at all and that it wasnt true.He replied saying it was true im a liar, a "horrible bitch" a first class "cow" and im a liar because she told him id text her so it must be true.It wasnt!I was left to stew for nearly half an hour, whittling myself crazy thinking how could they accuse me of this when all i want is to be left alone!I deleted her of my facebook and him and thought that it was for the best.I then recieved another text saying that "ok you didnt text her sorry bout that but you are slagging me off but dont do it to anyone other than our mom"I thought who the hell you to tell me who i can and cant talk to! i wasnt bothered about slagging him off, but the control there worried me!It got me thinking that this runs alot deeper than i thought and some harsh realisations hit me.Iv alot of time to think while im nearing the end of my pregnancy and cant help over think things.My brother is quite an abusive person actually, hes even called me a bitch, fat slag, cow,whore etc and he's always done it infront of my little girl while i visit my parents house where he lives too.My father has verbally abused me in front of her too although he's usually quick to apologise. But its happened more times than id of liked recently and its getting to me more so now than ever now im about to have another child. I couldnt bear it if my kids ever spoke to me the way they have, sorry or not.Its worrying.Well i raised my concerns with my mom earlier, told her my plans, that i was cutting him out, didnt want anything to do with him ever again and she asked about the kids. I told her he couldnt be a good role model to them and didnt feel right that he be around them. And that if my father ever did it again, sorry or not hed be in the same boat as my brother. I really am that fed up with all this. And i explained that for some strange reason they do aim they're anger at me. She said i was being unreasonable and cant keep my brother from seeing my kids.She sat there shaking her head in disbelief at me! as if i was going to be the one in the wrong now!She brought up sunday lunch as a family, i said i wont be going, neither will my girl, i will bring my girl to see her and my father when my brother isnt there. She thinks i'll be splitting up the family, and that im plain unreasonable and being "mardy and selfish" then she accused me of being "fresh" with the talk about role model, because when they do have a go i admit i have retaliated sometimes, most times to be fair i've just grabbed my girl and left, but i wont deny it i have retaliated in anger when i know iv done nothing wrong. She says i'm just as bad? I replied that im her mother i know best and in taking us out of that situation full stop, my kids see the strong mother presence that they should, not the weepy stressed angry mother they have seen lately.She still sat there saying i was wrong.I know shes not siding with them, but she still expects me to show up with a smile on my face and sit there with him in the room with atmosphere you could cut with a knife?! I really dont know whats best now, theres so many views and opinions on this from the family that i just dont know whats best. Because iv tried to stay away and not go back and tried to resolve this and put a stop to it, yet every now and again one of them will still have a right go at me using me as theyre scapegoat! thats how i feel a scapegoat!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): Dysfunctional families remind me of a bucket of crabs. You do your very best to get away, to find a place of sanity, and they do everything in their power to pull you back in.
I'm sorry.
I married into a family like that. When my husband set a boundary with his abusive sister, his father disowned him. We've had all sorts of people contact us claiming that we broke of the family. Now, twelve years later, his parents want us to come back and help them through their retirement because the abusive sister won't.
You are not splitting up the family. Your mother didn't do anything to keep you safe from the abuse of your father and brother. That, if anything, is causing you to take time for yourself.
The dysfunction caused the problem. Dysfunction only tends to get worse with time. Don't let them guilt you into taking their abuse. Take time to develop your own life and focus on your children.
Take care of yourself. Your primary allegiance is to your children. Don't let your family abuse them. Mine have been away from their paternal grandparents for most of their lives. They are very successful in school. They are very happy kids. Be their best advocate and watch your children flourish beyond your wildest dreams. It is interesting what children can accomplish when they are free from emotional abuse.
If your father and brother abuse you, they will abuse your children.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): Unfortunately not uncommon for families to let abhorrent behavior slide for "peace in the family" so those who do stand up and call out offender are the ones perceived as disruptive influence.
Don't put up with it. If family chooses him over you, then they're not anyone you can count on anyway and when chips are down you'll know where their loyalties lie.
Your kids are highest priority, exposing them to both brother's toxic influence and family's enabling is worst possible message you can send them. Responsible parents and families do NOT tolerate such behavior at expense of victim. You've done nothing wrong, brother has, your kids must understand that, if your parents choose brother over you, then you choose kids over parents because grandparents just as toxic as uncle. Obviously your mother is an enabler, brother learned she's a wimp by watching father browbeat her and is now living lessons learned from childhood. Do not expose daughter to him, she needs to know you will protect her from such verbal abuse.
Shame on your parents, always appearances first, don't let them guilt or intimidate you, that will just perpetuate the cycle. Show your kids how a real family works, each member is accountable to the other, actions have consequences, men respect women, women respect themselves by refusing to be disrespected.
Right is right, wrong is wrong, only thing worse than doing wrong is standing by and doing nothing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 July 2012):
 Block his number so he can't text you. If he down the line can behave and treat you like a decent human being he can maybe be unblocked.
Tell your mom that you need to BIG long break from your brother. She can come see the grand-kids all she wants. And if ANYONE is splitting up the family it's your brother and his spiteful attitude.
Honey, do what's right for you and your kids.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (28 July 2012):
 Way too much talking and explaining going on here.
You've made a decision to distance yourself from your vitriolic brother and possibly your father. So do it.
When you stop answering them, when you don't attend functions with them, when they don't see you or your children anymore they will figure out all by themselves that you have cut them out. They don't need you to draw them a map beforehand.
Talking is negotiating and as long as you keep the dialogue going, your mother has the opportunity to weaken your resolve. Silence can be more powerful and you'd be amazed at how effective a well timed stoney silence can be.
Distancing yourself from your brother's girlfriend is a good idea (if only because of her proximity to him), but I wouldn't be too quick to make an enemy of her. You don't really know what she's said unless you hear her saying it. If your brother can lie about his own sister, he can just as easily lie about her.
And because of your mother's proximity to all of this you might want to put a bit of space between you and her as well, but for God's sake don't announce it. Just make your time with her more brief and more scare. Hopefully she'll cherish the time she does have with you enough to make the most of it.
Inevitably, you will cross paths with your brother so learn new ways to handle those situations. Remain formal and polite (not smiles and chuckles, but the way you would with a stranger). People will treat you differently when they see they you are different.
This does not have to last forever and I suggest you try to keep some line of communication open (your mother seems the best means). Hopefully in time things will improve enough that you can have some sort of relationship with them.
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