A
male
age
41-50,
*MakeMistakes
writes:How should I understand this situation?History of a relationship1. Been dating someone for 2 years.2. We have had some arguments and she says we are through. Has been like 4 times and we don't speak for a few weeks then everything goes back to normal.3. At least 3 times out of the 2 years she comments and makes it clear we are NOT together. Of course this hurts me inside to hear this.4. She has self esteem problems.5. Hates seeing women act and dress sexy. Could be in person or a commercial or a sex scene in a movie. It gets her angry.6. Always judging me and calling me out for my mistakes.7. I never feel good enough for her or that I could never measure up to her standards.8. We don't have sex because she's Christian but yet every weekend we are getting each other off. Sometimes twice a week, but no sex.9. She saw a picture of a nude girl on my phone, it was from porn but not another girl I was seeing. It was porn and I admitted and apologized. I would never and have never cheated on her within 2 years.10. She was so furious and says I'm addicted and says we are done.11. I truly feel bad for hurting her, but why do I always feel maybe this is where we should go our separate ways.?12. Is there something hypocritical going on here? I do feel bad right now but I understand she will always criticize me for not being perfect. She will always be jealous of other girls. I will always have to deal with pressure in the relationship. Is there something hypocritical about this?
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christian, jealous, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): If imposing one set of rules on you and then disregarding them makes her a hypocrite. Then yes you have a hypocritical situation on your hands.
A
female
reader, Katie-Lynn +, writes (6 October 2014):
 Don't mention it and wow. Yea, I'm glad you decided to step out of this. It's like you're walking around egg shells. A relationship should be fun and comfortable, not stressful.....sure theres arguments but this is on the extreme side.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 October 2014):
Good riddance! Hopefully you find someone who is better suited to you. And hopefully she can find the asexual virgin she needs.
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A
male
reader, iMakeMistakes +, writes (6 October 2014):
iMakeMistakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your reply's. Honestly all our arguments and fights have been due to her insecurities. Either I got upset at her for overacting to what she sees as sexual or beautiful which bothers her extremely! Katie-Lynn mentioned that her and her BF have seen porn but also talk to each other and point out when someone looks cute or is looking sexy. If I even looked at another girl who was sexy, walking by, she would get mad and say "we are through." Every time there is a beautiful girl walking by us, she stares at my eyes to see if I'm looking. It bothers me so much! I have never given her any reason for her to keep me in check like that! I mean for not being together and for her to tell me countless times we are not a couple, she acts like I am some cheating husband and she always has to monitor what I look at, what I think, and how I perceive a beautiful woman. We cannot even talk about how another woman is dressed because she will get very upset with me! Thanks everyone for the advice! I Felt a lot better this morning! I tried so hard for the past 2 years to make this work and YES I have not had sex for over 2 years! just for her! Now that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and bang the first girl I start dating but its a reality check for me to move on and realize I did more than enough for her and our pseudo relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I don't see how it's hypocritical unless she looks at men and you are not allowed to get all stupid about it like she does.
List THREE good things about this relationship?
I have a great saying... Love is not about finding the perfect person it's about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
She is NOT the right woman for you... if she was she would accept you and love you where you are and without trying to, make you feel awesome.
If you can't bring yourself to end it with her, then the next time she ends it.. say thank you.. walk away and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, Lizziedizzy  +, writes (6 October 2014):
You need to move on as yous will always be in this situation "breaking up and getting back together" nothing will get resolved and you will begin to be resentful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): The list is countless ,to accept i think you have to move forward and forget about her
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): If you can list a dozen negative things about someone and not one positive thing; I don't know why you take her back.
Break-up, then go no contact, and start moving forward. Don't look back. It's time to move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 October 2014):
Hypocritical or not, it sounds miserable. You guys are with the wrong people. Set her free and find someone who makes you happy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 She is hypercritical in the relationship. If you are talking about hypocritical, it could be you think that Christians are kind, gentle, and forgiving. That way she's not. Anybody can all themselves Christian and use the religion to shame and control behavior. She's proselytizing you and you are stuck in this cycle trying to become good enough for her. You want to go separate ways because as a normal man you want to feel your woman being happy and supportive. Instead you are in some boot camp with no apparent reward but more indefinite testing. You never feel like there is a heaven that being good promises. She's the reason why people don't like so called Christians. If anyone ever wants to use religion in a relationship, just refer to Corinthians 13: 4-8. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy. Love does not anger easily.
That's all you need in a relationship and she is demonstrating none of those.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 October 2014):
 So, with all this drama.. WHAT do you get out of the relationship?
HER issues are HERS, you can go blind tomorrow and never look at another girl and she would STILL have those issues.
SHE is the only one who can "fix" them. You can't do it FOR her. LOve is not some magical cure.
It sounds like a sort of unhealthy relationship to me.
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A
female
reader, Katie-Lynn +, writes (6 October 2014):
Here is your answer and I'm so sorry that this is going on but basically, your gut feeling is right. You two should go ypur separate ways because thw saying really is true "You must love yourself bedore you can truly love another". Yoy say that this is a repeat so she is obviously npt learning or at least right now. You need to tell her that you are sorry, but you cannot be constantly be yelled at for beinf yourself or a man. Who hasn't seen porn? My boyfriend does and so do I but we're not cheating in anyway. We even tell each other when we think the opposite sex os sexy or cute and we laugh about ir and that's how it should be! We trust that we are good enough to be loved because we love ourselves for who we are and are meant to be. Also, without trust, there isn't any foundation to hold this relationship so......I hate to say this again but you need to sit her down and say that you need a woman who loves herself enough to be loved by another and to trust her future man. Maybe she'll fix herself for you or bettee yet herself but she will never change if you allow hee to keep pushing you around. Parents hate to punish their children but they do it out of love. I hope you find this advice helpful. Best of luck to you.
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