A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for 7 years married for 3 and I have always known he is bisexual which has never been an issue for me until recently. I recently discovered that he has another Facebook profile that I am blocked on which lists that he is gay and single. He has blocked me and our entire family (mine and his) plus our circle of friends. I only discovered it because I glanced at his phone while he was using in and saw a photo of him I didn't recognise and questioned him as to why is his profile photo different but hasn't appeared on my own Facebook to which he replied that he didn't know. It was my sister that suggested it may be a completely different profile and so after some snooping I found this alternate page. On the page he has liked many groups all related to gay sex, gay chat and photo sharing. He has hundreds of friends he has never met that all seem to be gay men who like his pictures and vice versa. When they comment on his status they refer to each other as "babes, Hun, etc" His statuses are always lies like stories of how he came out to his parents (which I know he hasn't as were married!!) and that he is out at bars at times he has been at home with me. In one he avidly described how his ex wife was a bitch who he never loved and was just a cover up for being gay. (he has never been married before, so I assumed he meant me.)I just don't know how to approach this with him. I love this man with all my heart and I would never want to look elsewhere. Our sex life is amazing and in all other aspects he is a loving caring husband, as well as being an incredible father to our 2 young daughters aged 4 and 2. He tells me he loves me every day before work and is very cuddly and kissy when he gets home. Very much the idyllic father and husband.My question is this, Is my husband gay? Or is this an outlet for his bisexuality? Should I approach this with him at all? I am absolutely terrified that if I do he will come out as gay and leave me and our 2 daughters. I really am at my wits end with worry and I think he is picking up on my moods. I've burst into tears in front of him twice since I found out and had to blame it on hormones (I'm 23 weeks pregnant) Any advice would be very much appreciated, and thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to help me. Ellie x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Thank you to everyone who posted nice comments it means a lot xxxx
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Let's see. you knew he was a "switch-hitter" and now are surprised that he has this side of him that involves risky sex? What to do? I would suggest something radical but I think you may not agree so I guess you'll have to just keep on living this strange bizare lifestyle and hope for the best. You might want to get tested for HIV every now and then for the sake of the child.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I'd say he's bi-sexual, but although you knew this when you got married, are you okay with him having his marriage with you plus sexual encounters with men. Are you okay with your children knowing their dad is not 100% faithful to his marriage with their mom. Remember you two are where your children will learn what to allow and not in marital life. They're young, but as they get a little older they will catch on, as a child's ability to do so is far greater than the ability you had as an adult to figure out something was going on.
You two need to talk. It's easy to take a blind eye to what's going on, as he's your ideal husband, but where it WILL end up affecting your children, openness and honesty is mandatory and not an option. If it turns out that he prefers men and leaves this marriage, then that's what you have to allow, not only because you deserve to know, but to protect your kids from a situation where one partner in marriage is living an alternative lifestyle. Staying with him and having this come out later, when your kids are older, will not only bring greater emotional harm to you, but has the potential to emotionally destroy and confuse your kids.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 January 2014):
 As a gay woman, I have a rather different take on this. Just because he claims to be bisexual does NOT grant him a free pass to cheat. If he was straight, would you be okay with him going out and getting his jollies with other women? Just because he's bi, by no means, makes his behavior acceptable. Being bi doesn't make you incapable of committing to someone.
People give so much leeway to people who say they are bi. Why? Why do the same principles of faithfulness and fidelity not apply here?
Bottom line is he is being unfaithful to you. He's living a double life. And you feel like you are being fair by trying to let him have an outlet for his bisexuality, when all you are really doing is enabling and allowing him to cheat, while simultaneously justifying his behavior.
It's not justifiable. Just because he's bisexual, in no way, gives him the right to cheat. Bisexual men and women can be fully committed to each other without cheating with someone of the other sex. Love is still love. Stop giving him an excuse.
I know this is extremely hard. And I know you are scared. But don't turn a blind eye to his cheating. Because that's what it is. It's infidelity. Call him out on it. And if he does leave, god forbid, then at least you can move on eventually and heal. And you won't be miserable, stuck in a marriage where you worry all the time if hour husband wants to leave you for a man. Or if he's cheating on you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): If he treats you well and you are absolutely sure that he's not seeing anyone else when he 'works late' I would sit on this for now.
At 23 weeks pregnant with 2 toddlers your life is much easier if he is there to help you raise the kids.
If you bring it up now one of two things might happen. He'll either apologize and stay or he'll say he's gay ergo things will have to change. If he does apologise, will you trust him again? You will drive yourself nuts trying to keep tabs on him.
If you sit tight, you know exactly what is going on and your family life can continue as it is for now.
But it will be tough for you.
I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I hope things turn out ok.
If he is a good husband to you maybe it is just an outlet. Even the best actors couldn't pretend to be happy if they're not 24/7.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Hi Ellie,I would say that if your husband is having loving, amazing sex with you on a regular basis then he is bi-sexual, not gay you know as a woman after the amount of time you have been together if the sex is amazing or mechanical... You just know. Him being interested in your pleasure is a big indicator.I had a long term boyfriend, we met when we very young the sex was always mechanical (he was my first hindsight is a powerful thing) so we had very dull sex for a long while followed by none until the end of our relationship, he wasn't bi-sexual he was gay, and sadly couldn't come to terms with that... He has now and lives with his boyfriend in Europe.As painful as it might be, you need to talk to him, 100% share with him what you know, and ask him what he is doing. If he really is the loving man you describe then you should be able too.Before you do you need to decide what is acceptable to you, your boundaries and limits. I really feel for you and I hope it goes well x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Wow. First off I am sorry you're dealing with this especially in secret. Unless you're absolutely ready to accept whatever consequences that may come of you inquiring about his alter ego then I suggest u prepare yourself. He may truly be a man who enjoys men more but can't marry or truly invest in marriage with one. I believe he is truly bisexual but misses men. He doesn't want to hurt his family or you but a part of him is lonely and unfulfilled. U can't filled that part and it's not to say he isn't happy with you he may very well be but unlike lesbians and heterosexual there are two appetites to him and he is starving for the one he has been fasting from. Take a deeper look to make sure he isn't cheating. And ask yourself are you willing to let him have a boyfriend. If you do make sure his boyfriend is gay and out. Or married and bisexual. You don't want a down low guy sleeping with your husband and spreading disease and lies. You guys should talk if you're up for it before your husband can no longer fight off his urge and act on impulse. I wish the best for your family. And I hope you two can resolve this and meet each other half way.
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