A
male
age
22-25,
Rallyman
writes:Hello All.I'm 23, girlfriend is 33. We've been together 6 great years. We rarely have any disagreements, we see each other nightly, and do our own things at the weekends. I'm heavily involved in cars, and she likes gardening.I live with my parents just one mile from her, and she lives alone, but i visit her every night 7:00-11pm and stay there every friday, sat,sun night.She has been at the same workplace 15 years, and has recently became redundant, this was a massive shock for her, she didnt even tell me when she found out, she was in denial for a week or so before i found out via a text someone sent her. (she read it out to me)Recently our sex life has dwindled a little, and I guess we have been in a bit of a routine, same old same old, but we went on a great holiday just before she got made redundant. Sex is something we could easily get back on track with. I always pay her compliments, hug her kiss her, tell her i fancy her. I also do anything she needs me to, be it fix something, take her somewhere. The age difference is no problem at all.However, since just after the holiday, and just in time with her redundancy, she seems to have lost interest in the gardening(which she loves) and says she doesnt want our relationship to continue, she wants to be alone. She doesnt just want some time out, or a break, she wants to end it.This happened about a month ago, i left one saturday morning after her telling me she didnt want to continue, that she felt nothing for me anymore. That evening she text me saying it had taken that for her to realise how much she really did love me and how upset it was making her feel.Three weeks later, she says she wants to finish it, this time i take my stuff, give her her key back, and tell her i still love her and always will. It was very emotional for us both, and i really didnt want things to end.I cant help but think she's depressed, and not thinking straight, she's lost interest and is fed up with everything, not just me. I've been to see her twice since, just to see how shes getting on, and confirm she still feels the same, then again on her first day at her new works (only been there three days as i write this)She still seems fed up, and puffs out (exhails air) and when i try to comfort her hug her or kiss her, she pulls away. If I text her she either doesn't reply, or it's an abrupt reply.Should I stand by her and be patient, just be there for her(like i told her i am) and go round, try take her out etc... or should i just try and deal with my massive heart wrenching hurt, and get on with life.I have thought about her every single passing moment since that sunday I left. I sent her flowers on valentines (14th, 4 days after we split) and she didnt send a text to say thanks or nothing. She just doesnt seem herself (before the split, and even now after the split) so surely if shes not happy after the split, it wasnt just me (or maybe its not even me at all)I cant help but think she's depressed and not thinking straight, but she wont admit it, and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better, she'll enjoy her new job, summer will be here get out in the garden again, days out etc.... HELP !!!Do i be patient and hold on, or just give up and try and sort my life (it's killing me seeing her like this, but she just doesnt want to know)All replys welcome, even tho they might not be want i want to hear.
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a break, depressed, flowers, live with my parents, move on, sex life, text, workplace Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, Rallyman +, writes (13 April 2008):
Rallyman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still, would take her back, forgive and forget this hard time and i'm certain in time she would find her love for me once more.
Maybe now im gone for good, she'll realise what shes lost.
She said i was going to be a tough act to follow, and that she plans on staying single for a good while.
Very very hard to accept when it's not me who wants to finish and still love her very very much.
It's all so upseting.
A
male
reader, Rallyman +, writes (13 April 2008):
Rallyman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys,
I'm afraid to say we got back together again, i stuck with her. We didnt have sex, everything was fine except sex, she just clammed up during sex and felt she wanted to end things when we got "close"
Cuddles and kisses were fine, but anything more just upset her as she said she feels she doesnt love me anymore.
This is EXTREAMLY hard to accept knowing how much i love her and despite the age difference we got on sooooo well.
We still laugh and make each other giggle, have good conversation, even this morning when i went for the final time (we split before but only for three weeks as i went round, couldnt keep away)
It pains me sooo much to think she is still not thinking straight, and that she does really like and love me, but her brain just wont let her. I've suggested help, but she doesnt want to get any, suggested a relationship counsiler, but she doesnt want to do that either.
The only way she says she can get happy is to be alone.Hence we chatted a lot last night, we cried, we then slept in sepearte beds, then cuddled in the same bed this morning laughing and joking. Far from a conventional break up.
It was extreamly painful and heartbreaking to hear she no longer feels loves me, and even moreso to walk out the door for the final time this morning.
All the brilliant memorys, all the happy times, only a couple of minor bad times.
Hope you all sort your own problems. I'm off to greive my great loss. It will take time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): I am going through the same exact thing and for the life of me cannot fathom what is going on. I've been somewhat mean at time and have changed alot since I am no longer addicted to the lottery and am back to being the nice guy that I once was before my addiction to gambling it was a hard road with her for a while. Now I do not have the addiction anymore and always say sweet nothings to her over and over, today she was suppose to meet me at a certain time for something she really knew was increadable important to me and never showed up! She didnt call back anyone of her friends, one friend called her and that friend told me that my girlfriend would call me in a little while, she never did and its been over 12 hours. She does this every so often wont call nothing. I feel helpless cause I dont know if she is alright or not or hurt or something and I am very scared for her. A couple things tell me she is alright and just ignoring me. All i wanted was for her to call me and tell me she was ok, thats all. Nothing! Its so sad to be such a nice caring guy like I am who looks out for her and concerned about her saftey even if we will not end up together and have someone so depressed that they cant even call you back and let you know they are alright. its a terrible place to be emotionally.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 Hi Rallyman, I'm a bit late to this discussion, but I wanted to add something.
You sound like a truly lovely man, who wants the best for this woman who is going through some troubled times, and I applaud you for sticking with this, even though it seems difficult.
The point I'd like to echo is what oldersister is saying--this is not about you, it's about her and her dealing with whatever it is that's come up in her life.
I'd like to suggest a way of looking at this that might help you deal with it. Your girlfriend is in a kind of metaphorical hospital bed, needing mending, not romantic advances. She's in no position to feel butterflies or to worry about reciprocating loving gestures because she's trying to heal. She's kind of in a full body cast and can't respond in the way you're expecting.
She may recover from this, or she may not. She's given you the chance to move on from her, maybe because she can't deal with the burden of being responsible for your happiness at a time when she's barely keeping it together.
Anyway, I do wish you the best outcome, but you have to give her the space she's reqesting, because she's locked in this 'hospital bed' for the time being. I know it's a shock to you and somehow it seems that love should conquer all, but I can tell you from experience that it doesn't always.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (9 March 2008):
 I don't think you quite "get it". It's not about you right now but you are going to make it so much about you and your relationship that instead of becoming a support, you will be her "problem". I don't think you are going to be able to handle this so yes, you need to move on and give her space.
Read online about depression and how that affects a person and hopefully she will have enough room to get this worked out for herself if she wants to.
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A
male
reader, Rallyman +, writes (9 March 2008):
Rallyman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow long does she expect me to wait ? Is it because she doesn't know herself what the problem is. ?If it's commitment, i'd move in whenever.She always said she never wanted kids (neither do i) unless shes changed her mind.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (9 March 2008):
The reason you are getting these "cold" reactions is because you are pushing the romantic. Everyone here has supported you on how to be a friend to her during this time of depression. Depression can be very serious. You are not being a friend when you push what you need over what she is dealing with. I would have reacted the same way as her, in fact, I would probably be pretty angry that after telling someone over and over what I was going through, they didn't appear to have LISTENED. You are taking this personally and minimalizing what she is going through right now by your actions. I think at this point, if you can't get your intentions in the right place, you need to leave her alone until you can.
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A
male
reader, Rallyman +, writes (9 March 2008):
Rallyman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuick Update Guys.
Spent the day out with her today.
Had an excellent day, purposely i didnt link her arm as we started walking (in a park/forest) She then linked me, which i took as a good sign, i gave her compliments etc..told her she looked nice.
gave her the odd hug here and there, and she recipricated.
Went to give her the odd kiss on the cheek, she accepted them, but the odd kiss on the lips and she seemed to be a bit "cold" and unwilling. I didnt push it.
When i dropped her off, i asked her did she need more time to which she replyed "yes," i asked her did she feel she wanted me one minute and not the next, she replyed yes again.
I just dont know what to do for the best. ??? Help !!!!
I'm thinking of just not texting her now, or going round visiting her until she texts saying thanks for a lovely day, or texts me asking me to come round (she has her own house)
What do you guys think ??
Surely she cant switch off her feelings and just instantly stop loving me, ?? How can i get that funny tummy or butterflie feeling back for her when she sees me. ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): I am so happy to see a guy love a woman who's older than he is. If you work thinks out, I wish you luck and happiness.
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A
male
reader, Rallyman +, writes (28 February 2008):
Rallyman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replys. They have given me the faith to stick with it and be patient.
Yes, i could get a younger girlfriend, yes i could heal from this (or will i) but it's her i want, and cant understand why she is pushing me away so much.
I asked her last week was she not afraid of losing me forever ? she answered no, she'd be happy for me if i found someone else. I couldnt get through to her its her i want, not anyone else.
I did also tell her can she not see the light at the end of the tunnel, things will change, she'll be fine, happyer etc... once she settles into this new job and her reply was "i cant seem to think like that"
I think of her 24/7 , i just wonder if she even thinks of me once during the day.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 She has come to a cross road in her life and she maybe undecided where she will be heading.
It seems that she has not many friends and you are her rock. You need to be strong for her . Whatever things she hurled at you , be steadfast as a friend to her.
In times of trouble, friends stay around to help.Help her as a concerned friend even if she does not admit to your special relationship with her.
When she is weak , you need to carry her, that is what friends are for.....
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (28 February 2008):
My thought is that with the job loss she also is rethinking her life and choices at 33 - I have gone thru it with a divorce and job loss - True you cant and dont want to make her think she should be chipper - I think that it may have something to do with you being together 6 yrs and she is now wondering where it is headed - at 23 you are still living with your parents but sometimes with her - Now that she has had an upset with her job she is looking at all aspects of her life and she is not sure how you fit - ( The sighs give it away for me ) Depressed? You bet! Try to talk to her and tell her like it is - she may be shaky to talk to you about how she feels about you at present - Have you discussed any future? Have you told her you think that she is depressed and you are willing to stand by for a bit and not smother her? If you want to talk more you can e-mail me - I have been thru it and am still going thru it with the job and the not wanting to be with friends and seemed to be stuck - but I do sigh quite a lot - Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (28 February 2008):
I think you may be onto something with the depression. This happens to so many people with abrupt job losses so it is quite common. When people are truly depressed, they tend to withdraw from the people they love and need. Has she stopped going out with her friends as well?
I wouldn't give up on her and move on just yet. I would back off just a little but still let her know you are there for her. Not too long ago, I went through a big funk and the worst thing one of my best friends would do was call me up acting really CHIPPER or telling me "i was going to pull out of it" or "your fine, don't worry"- I wanted to kill him! Not only did I think he was a jerk for being so insensitive but I thought he was minimizing what I was going through. I also broke up with my boyfriend because the idea of anyone coming near me made me repulsed. He didn't wait around & took it personally. All this because the company I worked for shut down and relocated. Once I got into my new job in a couple of months, things were great again.
If she gets to feeling better and enjoys her hobbies, friends again but not you, there is a problem.
Otherwise, just be patient and try not to be too romantic.
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