A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my boyfriend 3 years ago. He'd separated from his wife a year before we met but they weren't divorced yet. He'd managed to get his own council flat so I took that as proof that he was single. I now start to wonder if they are just pretending to be separated to claim more state benefits but it's complicated. Please let me know your opinionI'll try and keep it as short as possible.The reasons it looks like they are separated are:he officially lives on his own,he has a council flat in his name only.He introduced me to their kids, also to her when we went to pick up the kids and she was friendly enough.He even told her we are planning to have a baby in front of me and he told his son that too.She has an injunction on him and he's not supposed to contact her (even though he breaks it every other day)the reasons it looks like they are still together are:He won't divorce her even though from what he's told me she can't stop him seeing the kids, she can't get money out of him and he can get legal aid to cover the costs. (I studied law for a while so I'm not completely clueless)I found a soppy text from her number on his phone but it was over the top and had loads of kisses on which seemed odd considering her age (30's). I think this might just have been her trying to cause trouble between me and him or him sending it from her phone to make me jealous but it's a bit weird-how did he know I would look in his phone? but then again he does it to me so maybe he thinks everyone does that...Bizarrely he puts old cards from her up on display (not just lying around, actually up) -a birthday card from her appeared with 'for my husband' on it in big letters last August (I know it was an old one as his birthday is in December) and a valentines card came out at the end of March lol. I'm thinking this is probably just to mess with me but maybe he's trying to let me know something? I didn't even say anything to him as the whole thing was so ridiculous.one of the main reasons is that his flat doesn't seem lived in-he is very clean otherwise but I'll sometimes find mouldy food in the fridge or washing up that's been left for a week.but the most incriminating thing of all is that one time I turned up unannounced at 1am (my mum had kicked me out and I had nowhere else to go) and he wasn't in-I phoned him and he told me to meet him somewhere for the front door key, the place he told me to meet him was right next to where she lives! I stayed for 3 days and he'd turn up in the morning and then go out at night without telling me where he was going-I didn't argue as I needed his roof over my head and I just hoped she'd gone away and left him to babysit or something but in that case who was looking after them in the daytime...If they are still together then it's a messed up situation because she obviously knows me and him are sleeping together ect but I don't get how to explain all the other stuff if their not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): I don't know,you may be right.I don't know if they'd be allowed to live with him alone though as he has a record,only for weed and affray though,nothing to do with children.I'm not even sure they are officially living with her,maybe on paper they're living with relatives and they just live with her secretly.it looks more and more like they aren't separated though.what a prick.and what a psycho bitch she is to actually meet me and pretend to be his ex.screwed up people
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): I'm afraid I must agree with the first auntie that answered. If social services were involved with the children before the relationship broke up, there is a strong possibility that he had to move out of the family home because if he didn't social services would have removed the children. If social services are involved simply due to his wife's alcoholism, then they would either be encouraging him to live in the family home or they would be housing the children with him.
Just leave this guy. Don't bother to try and get the truth out of him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 Is this guy your newly ex-boyfriend? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-would-my-boyfriend-tell-me-he-wants.html
The situations sound identical. The guy who is 'separated' from his wife, who has met you and he said in front of her and his son that you were trying for a baby.
I would cut contact with the guy. Stay away from men for a while, you don't sound like you have a good handle on figuring out their motives.
It's not a good idea to go out on the hunt for a new boyfriend the night after you break up with the last one. Especially as your hormones may be all over the place.
Listen to your mum right now. Spend time with people who love you and truly have your best interests at heart. Random guys in a pub or club are NOT in that category.
This guy is a disaster and you need to stay away from him, cut contact and do not spend any more time in his presence. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2014):
 So you want to have a baby wit ha man who is still LEGALLY married? Who have NO intentions of divorcing her.
You obviously don't trust him any further then you can throw him (otherwise why would you go through his phone?)
You are setting yourself up for a life of a single mom. And I doubt he is going to be much help. I mean he lives in a council flat, which means he doesn't work? Or he gets governmental benefits only?
Can you take care financially of a baby by yourself?
And do you want to raise a child with a man who is still SO into his ex? Seems like she is more of his priority then you are.
Having been together a long time doesn't make a relationship better or healthier and it doesn't mean you can't walk away.
Seems like your priority is to HAVE a man in your life over having a good life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): oh my god,2nd poster-the social services are involved with their kids too! He told me it was because she's an alchoholic and she does look and sound (the croaky voice) like one but it could be something else as well-I know they've had physical fights,no idea if he hit her first,I've only heard his side but would he get a council flat for that reason?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): She only took the injunction out last year,they've been separated for 5 years.The injunction was because he apparently put a brick through her window (well he claims she just lied to get the injunction,it's a civil matter so doesn't require much evidence) I really don't know what to think,I don't want to leave him if she's just his ex,I love him and we've been together a while and were thinking about trying for a baby,hence me being so desparate to know once and for all
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2014):
I think you are wasting your time with a man who is WAY to entangled in his wife.
I don't know what "rights" a separated man/woman are entitled to in the UK, but if THEY are doing this for some kind of scam, then maybe he has his wife convinced that him having a GF is the best way to not get caught.
Living separate from your family doesn't equate to being single. Due to the injunction she has out on him (for whatever reason, scam or not is irrelevant) he obviously can't LEGALLY reside with her.
If he divorces her, she will be able to claim Child maintenance and he might not be able to afford that or willing to pay any. Which could be another reason they are doing this "separation" thing. Because it is mutually financially beneficially for the BOTH.
What exactly do you see in this guy? He lets you stay at his home, but treats you like a piece of furniture (not a GF) by coming and going as he pleases.
Maybe he DID spend the night to baby sit so she could go out with friends (or a date), but if it was that innocent/simple why wouldn't he just tell you that?
They are still texting lovey dovey stuff to each other. Well, there you have it. They are not living together but they SURELY aren't OVER each other. He displays her signs of affections (the cards) all over the house? He isn't OVER her.
Do you even know why she has an injunction out against him? Is that the kind of man you want to be with?
If they are still together then YES that is messed up, but for YOU to think they are still together and STILL WANT to be with him, is JUST as messed up. At least you can WALK away, you have no ties like children or shared anything with him.
Why not want more in a man from you? Why are you settling for this "so not a keeper" kind of man?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): You know I was reading that and 4 years ago that could have been asking that I was, I was seeing a man who was recently separated from him wife, by the time I met him he was living in a on bed room flat, so I thought he's defo single, but I used to disappear with no word for a few days, then while at my flat one night his ex wife called him saying his kids needed him and she was outside his flat so he went round to see him, Next day he had a big love bite on his neck! Cut a long story short turns out he was still with his wife in every sense but couldn't live with his family down to rules set by social services, which I found out when social services called me out the blue while I was pregnant to him. Your story does actually sound similar and the best thing I did was get myself out of the whole situation it was tough as I loved him but I healed and found someone better. It just all sounds dodgy to me. Wish u the best what u decide but I wouldn't put up with it.
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