| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend told me in January that he wants a baby. I was delighted and started eating a healthy diet and looking for a job in his area as I assumed we would of course be moving in together. I never discussed that stuff with him at the time though as I was still on depo provera and had nearly the full 12 weeks before it ran out. He did however promise me that he would get engaged to me when I got pregnant so most women would definitely assume getting married means living together right? Wrong.My depo ran out last week so I decided to have a serious talk with him about what he wants in the future-He was livid when I asked about moving in and said that the plan was for me to get my own flat?? He'd conveniently forgotten that he told me he'd marry me and even refused to get a divorce from his estranged wife that he has been living separately from for 5 years??! I said ok,well I'd better start the depo shots again and he was very quick to agree but I told him if you want to stay with me at all even without having a baby you need to get a divorce or I'm leaving you-and he said you'd better leave me then!I don't think he was serious about the baby but I don't get it-it was his idea, I never bought up kids to him other than asking him when we first met if he'd like more kids in the future but he even told his 8 year old son we were going to try for a baby (he said that in front of me)...I wonder if he really thought I would actually plan to live like a single mother. No offense to single mothers (my mum was one) but nobody actually plans it like that do they?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 April 2014):
 OP: Since seeing yet another contribution to your submittal - by you - I can envision you, sitting at your computer monitor, shaking your head, and asking (yourself): "WHY won't these people (the Aunts and Uncles) SEE MY QUESTION more clearly (as I see it), and come to some conclusion OTHER THAN that I should drop this guy??? WHAT is the matter with these Aunts and Uncles???"
Hint: The advice will stand, and YOU have to understand that you've gotten "good" advice, and it's now UP TO YOU to decide if you're going to follow it.... OR, if you're going to ignore it (the advice), and continue being this guy's foot-wipe-mat of life....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): He has actually got his own place,I've only been staying there several nights a week for the last 3 years lol.I also don't see why you can't get engaged while still married as long as you are intending to file for divorce.this married man crap is the main reason I want him to get divorced,even if me and him never get married
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2014):
 But dear OP, you have been waiting for 3 years to get a ring and an official engagement from a married man ? ..
No no, it's not a matter of being slut or not-slut, it's simply the fact that while you may not consider him a married man because he's got an official address different from his wife's, yet the law won't see it this way , by law he is still married ,therefore unable to have another marriage.
Getting engaged is getting engaged to be married, so how could he commit to be married to girl 2 when he is still married to girl 1 ? Even if he HAD bought you that ring and proposed, it would have been a joke, a sham,- like tryng to pay a real purchase with Monopoly money.
The way he treated you at the beginning might have came from passion or lust or , who knows, even true feelings at the time, but whatever it came from ,surely it could not come from the serious intention to commit to you. If he had really meant that ,first thing he would have done would have been filing for divorce, no matter if inconvenient ecoomically. It's the usual " actions speak louder than words ".
And it would also explain why he talked about having a baby with you. Because you can talk about something to make yourself look good and to keep your partner hooked, but talking and doing, as you see, are two different things.
I have read your other post and I doubt he really has his own apartment, what he has, probably, is an official address to make things SEEM like he and his wife are separated when they are not, to fool the Social Services or for whatever other shady reason of theirs. But that's not really the main point, the main point is that he made very clear than he does not want to divorce and does not want to live with you, the best you could expect would be to stay his backstreet girl forever. So, if he is really out of the picture, meaning that you won't go sniffing around him to take him back, or you won't turn to mush the first time that he drunk-texts you as if nothing happened,...I'd say you can stop the investigations and start not giving a hoot about where he lives and with whom, and pat yourself on the back for having dodged a bullet; better late than never.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 OP, you fell for a dickhead. It feels awful, I know (I really do), but what would feel more awful would be to keep on giving him any more of your time. He fast forwarded you, he future faked, he then started pulling back. It's text book behaviour of an assclown and I'd like to suggest that you read some articles written by a woman who went through the same/ similar and who can articulate the issues far better than I can:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/30-signs-that-someone-isnt-interested-or-is-half-heartedly-interested-in-you-how-to-avoid-being-a-passing-time-candidate/
Note point #14.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): yep,it's me cringe.When I first met him he told me he was in the process of getting a divorce,we broke up about 2 months into the relationship over nothing-I'd been unable to sleep the night before,was tossing and turning and it annoyed him,he yelled at me not to keep moving or I could leave so I was looking at my phone instead of tossing and turning and he thought I was texting a man so in the morning he dumped me.He phoned 3 weeks later saying that he'd been joking but because I sent him a text saying f--k off don't ever contact me again he didn't like to bother me too soon,he told me he'd fallen in love with me and that he'd bought me an engagement ring and a new phone and that he'd take me shopping and I could bring a suitcase with some clothes in so I could start staying at his a few days a week.So I made him wait a couple of weeks,he was calling me 4 times a day declaring his love so I went down there with my suitcase,he had the new phone out waiting and the next day he took me shopping I got everything he promised except the engagement ring.I figured he'd changed his mind as it was early days and I thought maybe it was a good thing as I'd felt it was a bit soon as well even though I was pleased so I didn't like to knag him.Well that was the last I heard of it and 3 years went by no sign of the divorce or my ring.I feel like such an idiot.It seemed like a good relationship most of the time though and I thought he cared because of how he acted at the start and the way he would phone me so much and get so possesive and the fact he wanted to have a baby (if he was serious)
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 April 2014):
OP, was it you who made the comment about not being a slut because he's been separated for 5 years? No one even remotely called you a slut. The point is, if someone hasn't chosen to get a divorce in all that time, it's a red flag that there are still ties to the wife. And he obviously can't marry you if he isn't divorced. The fact that he hasn't initiated divorce proceedings (I'm assuming he hasn't) means that he's no where near marrying you.
I'm truly glad you didn't get pregnant by him and just as glad that you've given him an ultimatum about the divorce. I hope you meant it when you you're leaving him. However, I think going out tonight and catching yourself a new boyfriend is a really bad idea on a million levels. Instead, go and meet some friends, have a girls night and give yourself a breather. I worry that you'll go out and end up with someone just as bad as, or worse than, this guy. Clear your head before getting involved with anyone else.
As for his motives for getting you pregnant but not want to live with you or take steps to divorce his wife so marriage is an option - that is just bizarre and I really have no idea, except to say that it's not that uncommon for people to make such grand plans/ blurt out ill thought fantasies and never actually want to follow them through. It can be called future faking, and it's a practise of assclowns.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2014):
 Is this guy your newly ex-boyfriend? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-boyfriend-pretending-to-be-separated-from.html
The situations sound identical. The guy who is 'separated' from his wife, who has met you and he said in front of her and his son that you were trying for a baby.
I would cut contact with the guy. Stay away from men for a while, you don't sound like you have a good handle on figuring out their motives.
It's not a good idea to go out on the hunt for a new boyfriend the night after you break up with the last one. Especially as your hormones may be all over the place.
Listen to your mum right now. Spend time with people who love you and truly have your best interests at heart. Random guys in a pub or club are NOT in that category.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2014):
 Take a little break from all this and from dating. Going out and looking for a new BF, is not in your best interest. Because you want to find a new one, to punish your ex and in a weird way yourself.
Auntie SVC is right.
I'd say give yourself 3-6 months to PROCESS what really went down, why you were OK with a lot of what went down and what you want in a man. Not what you can "overlook" in a man.
Want more for yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2014):
 "would it be wrong of me to go out tonight and look for a new bf"
yes but not because of him.... you can't go from one man to another without some space between the two to figure out what you want and need in a life partner.
clearly he was not it.
his motives for wanting you to get pregnant were clearly selfish.
personally I think it's date, engage, marry, then babies.
you may live together before marriage but NO BABIES till married. I'm old school that way.
and even if he lives as a single man, any man who is LEGALLY attached to another woman is NOT available for a full relationship even if it seems he is, he can't make the legal commitment so why should he make the emotional one.
trust me any man that LOVES YOU will do everything in his power to be with YOU and make YOU happy...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I'm the op-my mum seems to think he only wants to get me pregnant to ruin my life or to make the ex-wife jealous-does anyone think there could be anything in either of those?
I think it's probably over now anyway.I slammed the phone down after the divorce conversation and he did ring about 10 times but I didn't answer.Then he left some stupid message about goodbye and goodluck like he's being the mature adult when he's actually being a prick and I haven't heard since,it's been about 24 hours.Would it be wrong of me to go out tonight and look for a new bf?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 April 2014):
This guy is "playing" you like a cheap Stradivarius... and YOU don't seem to understand what he's doing.....
.... AND, meanwhile, you stand to end up with a CHILD.... an 18 year contract, to be sure.... whilest HE gets to run away and act like the irresponsible child (that he is), for as long as he wishes....
Sometimes, I wish it were OK to box a woman's ears and yell at her "WAKE THE F**K UP!!!!!".... because she is making a fool of herself.... I'd do that to you, if it were allowed, and you were nearby....
Good luck... You'll need it...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2014):
All you need to focus on is this: "I told him if you want to stay with me at all even without having a baby you need to get a divorce or I'm leaving you-and he said you'd better leave me then!"
Leave him. You are wasting your time and missing opportunities to meet available, marriage-minded, and frankly nicer men.
RUN, Forest, RUN!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): ok,I don't actually consider him a married man when he has his own council flat and has done for 5 years so can people stop saying married man like I'm some slut
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): My goodness, you had better get another depo provera shot; before you do something foolish!!!
Does he have to clobber you over the head with a sledge-hammer to let you know he is a total dick; and you'd be stuck with a child to raise by yourself???
You seem to be over-looking all his worse attributes. He isn't divorced from an so-called estranged wife. She left him because he's a jerk. You'd have to have your own place; so he can just walk away whenever he feels like it. He already has a son, and decides you're his brood b-tch?
He didn't bother to announce he'd marry you, only that he'd use you to breed. Then you're left to blow-up like a balloon, go through hormonal changes, swollen ankles; and the whole nine-yards. He prances around like some stud. Deciding if he may marry you. Man, he has some humungous nuggets!
Seriously?!!!
Girlfriend, please tell me you're more intelligent than this post is making you out to be? What kind of crap has this guy been feeding you? You actually want to marry that piece of sh*t? He couldn't have suddenly started showing this side of himself. Once a dick, always a dick.
Dump that guy, and run like you're being chased by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches! Never mind living like a single-mother; don't live like a fool for a guy like that.
Run girl, run!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): My goodness, you had better get another depo provera shot; before you do something foolish!!!
Does he have to clobber you over the head with a sledge-hammer to let you know he is a total dick; and you'd be stuck with a child to raise by yourself???
You seem to be over-looking all his worse attributes. He isn't divorced from an so-called estranged wife. She left him because he's a jerk. You'd have to have your own place; so he can just walk away whenever he feels like it. He already has a son decides you're his brood bitch? He didn't announce he'd marry you, only that he'd use you to breed and then you're left to blow-up like a balloon, go through hormonal changes, swollen ankles; and the whole nine-yards. He prances around like some stud. Deciding if he may marry you.
Girlfriend, please tell me you're more intelligent than this post is making you out to be? What kind of crap has this guy been feeding you? You actually want to marry that piece of sh*t? He couldn't have suddenly started showing this side of him.
Dump that guy and run like you're being chased by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches! Never mind living like a single mother; don't live like a fool for a guy like that.
Run girl, run!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2014):
OK, you did the right thing you QUESTIONED his "resolve". However, why do you still want to date a married man? YES he might be "separated" from her but he is IN the eyes of the law STILL married.
He LIKED to idea of you having a baby, but for him ( I think) it was all fantasy.
Personally, WHY not get ENGAGED and MARRIED before even TRYING for a baby? Why wait til you are "knocked up"? I mean you say HE would propose to you when you got pregnant - HOW could he even DO that if he is still married? When you said OK to that you actually, (to him) said YES to being a single mom, to live your life (with him a your BF) but without him having to commit. BECAUSE HE CAN'T commit while STILL being married.
Then he makes this about YOU being unreasonable. If you don't like him still being married YOU can leave.
He is full of shit.
Why are you wasting time on this man? If you WANT a child and a husband - HE ISN'T it.
How lucky you were to STILL be on the shot when he came up with this "futile let's have a baby idea". Thank your stars.
And maybe this was a wake up call for you, to reevaluate if HE is someone you want to waste more time on or if you WANT more from a man then he is willing/able to give you.
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