A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to look at other women if you find yourself thinking they are better than your wife in some way? For example you see a woman who has long shapely legs, and you catch yourself thinking for a second she has nicer legs than your wife. I used legs as an example because my wife has short legs, but I tend to think longer legs are sexier. This sort of thing happens to me more often than it should. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to my wife and think she's beautiful. I know it's normal for both men and women to notice very attractive members of the opposite sex, but where do you draw the line? I don't look at women in front of her, so that's not the problem. The problem is I tend to look when I see a physical quality my wife doesn't have. The one I've noticed most is longer legs, but sometimes it's someone with bigger boobs or more delicate facial features. I find myself comparing them, and I know it isn't fair to her even if she doesn't know about it. I'd like another man's perspective on this, but women's opinions are welcome too. Is this a normal thing men do, and is it actually a problem? Do you look at people because they have a feature your partner does not? I worry about it, because I can't help but think if I keep doing this, I'll eventually lose some attraction to her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): Well, then, how do you know she isn't "comparing" you to other men? Think about it.
Something else must be going on that is deeper than we know. I would advise counseling to get the root of the problem. Because it IS a problem if you are comparing her to other women. It's not fair to your wife.
These other women you are admiring could be cold hearted and cruel. So much for a pretty face.
People don't appreciate what they have until it's gone.
You are walking a fine line, just don't cross it or you could end up all alone.
A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I think it is natural for men too look at other women, for example I just had a workman out to do some for me in my flat, I did notice him staring at my chest, does that mean am better to him than his wife? No off course it doesn't he doesn't really know me as a person and he is a man at the end of the day men are visual, what I say to my boyfriend and vice verse is,“it is ok to look at the menu, u don't have to order” you can't close your eyes and not see beautiful women but you can choose not to act on them. As long as your not tempted to cross that line then I see no harm.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Constant comparison is actually the first step in cheating. You have crossed over from admiring other women's beauty to having a wandering eye.
The problem is is that when you make comparisons, your wife *always* loses. Ever notice that? Next, you'll justify the fact that since other people are better than your wife, that you're no longer getting your needs met by her.
Next, you'll justify talking to other women, fantasizing about them when you're intimate with your wife, and then it'll eventually morph to cheating on her.
If you love your wife, you will immediately stop this selfishness. Your wife gave her body and heart to you, which makes her better than any pair of legs or any other woman that breathes to you. You need to give your body and heart to your wife, or that makes you less than any other guy who comes in contact with your wife.
Be careful and appreciate what you have at home.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2014):
 The fact that you compare means you already are unhappy with what you settled for. You are already loosing attraction to your wife.
My husband is not in any way shape or form my ideal physically and I gladly look at other men (and women) and appreciate their beauty and he looks at young cute girls that are totally opposite of me, and he can appreciate their beauty as well BUT, we do NOT compare and contrast and say "oh if only you were xxxxx and xxxxx you would be perfect"
That only leads to discontent and wondering if you could have "done better" YES I could have easily done better (of course HE could not I'm the best thing that ever happened to him in any way shape or form) BUT what i have now is Perfect for ME.
you married a woman you are attracted to and you love. REMEMBER that and stop with the buyer's remorse or you will end up miserable or worse... ALONE and miserable because if you continue down the path of "I could have had a woman with longer legs, more delicate features and bigger boobs" you will soon find that your short legged wife is legging it away from you in search of a man who appreciates ALL OF HER.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2014):
 You sound like you are more looking for faults in your wife then what she is all about, why you married her.
It sounds like you actually believe you could have gotten a "better model".
It is natural to notice beautiful people who aren't your spouse, yes. No one goes blind after they start dating or get married. But comparing them by dissecting them? no.
The world is not a "build-a-bear-workshop" - where you get to pick what parts you want in a spouse (or yourself).
Do you think YOU are your wife's DREAM when it comes to looks? Are you a perfect 10? My guess is no. So why have all these expectations on your wife, looking for her physical shortcomings and feeling you don't have the right Barbie.
You wife isn't leggy. She isn't a Triple D cup. She is who she is. And if YOU somehow feels she falls short of what you "deserve", I think SHE deserves someone better.
BE realistic. Love the woman your are with or set her free.
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A
female
reader, Tula  +, writes (26 March 2014):
I think it's natural for humans to compare...the grass is always greener on the other side. Then again, I think it is UNHEALTHY to compare although it's a natural tendency. Looking would lead to thinking, thinking might lead to considering, considering to...it's a chain reaction of what ifs and possibilities. One must be content with what he's/she's got in their partner.Think of your wife, what if she prefers a man with more muscles? More facial hair? A fantastic set of 6 pack abs...we all try to think of what we lack, can't have but that's just the physical.I would focus on beyond the physical in my relationship, invest more quality time with my special someone instead of "judging" them on qualities they don't have in the first place and mind you, you were aware when you made a choice...We must draw the line somewhere, so it's best not to take that second look. Look at the sky and breathe deeply!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Here's this man's point of view......
The minute you convince yourself that your wife (or SO or G/F) is not the most beautiful and enticing woman in YOUR LIFE..... then you are compromising.... and you need to consider if you deserve to have such a lovely woman as your wife, or SO or G/F, in your life......
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I think Aunty Babbitt and Mr. Babbitt are correct. I think it's perfectly normal to admire beauty in the men and women we see. I don't think it's normal or healthy for your marriage to compare your wife to women who have a different body. I'm sure my husband sees beautiful women every day and enjoys looking at them. I don't think he's comparing me to them, however, just as I enjoy looking at handsome men. I don't think, "Oh I wish my hubby had an xyz like that man."
If you are doing this every time you see a beautiful woman with a body feature that differs from your wife (which would be essentially every other woman), then there is something else going on. In that case, I think the question you should be asking is: "Why am I comparing my wife to other women?" And your question about your losing your attraction to her is a valid concern.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (25 March 2014):
 Hi OP,
You pose an interesting question so I spoke to Mr Babbit about this to see if our opinions varied.
We both had the same opinion and here it is.
It is perfectly normal, as you state, for men or women to notice someone they find attractive or who has attributes they find sexy, whether that is big boobs, blonde hair, brown eyes or long legs.
We both agree, however that it is not normal to make comparisons against your partner.
For example, I think Russell Crowe (in Gladiator) looks fabulous but I would not compare him to my husband or want my husband to look different in any way.
If you're in love with someone, you love everything about them.
If you're wishing your wife had bigger boobs, finer features and longer legs, then you clearly not happy with how she looks now.
Surely there's more to your attraction to your wife than her physical appearance? What about her personality and sense of humour, her attitude and ambition?
All these things contribute to beauty and trust me, you could have a woman with (what you consider to be) a perfect body, but if she is vapid, boring and superficial how long would you be attracted for?
I don't need an answer, I'm just saying.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): I think looking is totally fine - it's only normal to appreciate beauty. However comparing is different - how would you feel if every time she looked at a guy, she was noticing how much better looking he was than you? That sort of thing could make a person very insecure if they knew about it. Nobody is perfect and just because a woman looks different to your wife does not make her more beautiful - I'm sure if you had been with that woman for a long time, you would start to compare her to other women too. I think you should try to appreciate your wife for what she is, and sorry to sound so 'feminist' but I would hate to think my boyfriend compared me to other women, though he can look all he wants.
Saying that, it's normal to look and most women do it all the time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): I think its completly normal for anyone to look at the opposite sex and find them attractive! There are so many good looking people in this big world we live in. Trust me, she's looking at other guys thinking about how good they look and what u lack as well ; )
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