A
female
age
30-35,
*ngle684
writes:Need some help.. Basically last weekend I went on my boyfriends phone and found he watches porn everyday and that he's been calling gay chat lines.. Which I really dont understand. He said he rang it as needed someone to talk to, but a gay chat line?Surely thats not the answer?I've seen he rang them before too.. He's adamant he's not gay and loves me dearly. But I'm soo confused by this, why not talk to me? :( my boyfriend is very upset if I start bringing this up again. It will just kick start another argument.. But I cant go on like this just doesn't seem fair.. He doesn't trust me so I get accused of cheating on a regular bases.. He's started to get violent too, not actually hitting me but smashing my things up and grabbing my arms and throat he knows I get scared but says he would never hurt me.. How can I trust this guy..?? Please help..!!
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Everyone else has this covered pretty well, to add, I know you love him, but it's not your job to be abused to prevent him from hurting himself. You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. You can't prevent him hurting himself, but you can prevent him from hurting you. If you left and something happened, it wouldn't be your fault.
CaringGuy said this already but it's very true that abusers often threaten suicide or self-harm to try to get their partners to stay. It's one of the most common ploys there is.
You need to get out of there before he really hurts you. Grabbing your partner's throat in anger is never OK, that is abuse.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2011):
 Time to say bye bye - he's abusive and doing stuff behind your back he really shouldn't do. Gay or straight chat lines it's still iffy. He accuses you of random cheating.
Honey, LOOK at his actions. Is THAT someone you want to be with?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 November 2011):
Thing is, he probably isn't suicidal. That's a ploy that controlling people often use. If they can't physically beat you into line, they'll pretend to hurt themselves.. And you're basically accepting domestic violence. No matter how much you love him, and no matter what you think, he's not a soft guy at all. He's a real danger. There's only one way this is going, and that's you getting hurt. Someday he'll beat the hell into you.
In the end though, it is up to you. Either you'll see that you're in real danger and walk, or you'll walk further into danger at your own risk. There's not really any silver lining unless you get out.
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A
female
reader, Angle684 +, writes (7 November 2011):
Angle684 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNote. My partner is suicidal so just upping and leaving him isn't an option as I'm scared of what he would do tO himself, I love the kid to bits, and know deep down he is a softy, I know what you think. I'm just sticking up
For him, suppose I am yes but I adore this kid and can't hurt him like that..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 November 2011):
Yes, leave. Now. Don't waste any more time. The gay chat does suggest that perhaps he's unsure of himself. But the violence suggests that he'll beat you up if you don't walk away now.
Never, ever stay where there is violence like this.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Sorry hun, but no matter how much you love him, he is an abuser. He might not have hit you YET... but that will come probably sooner than later.
This is clearly a toxic set-up and I urge you to cut ties with him before serious physical damage is inflicted on you.
Please remember that you are not to blame for his actions, he is the way he is, and no amount of love from you will change that.
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