A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex have began talking a little again.. This is after I text him saying that I did miss and love him and he replied saying that he misses me but there just always seems to be a bad vibe about us and we can't seem to get along. We plan to meet up tonight just to talk about things and we both know the feelings are still there but we don't want a relationship at the moment.I just don't know if I'm wasting my time on him? I don't really know what meeting up may come to as like I said we both don't want to get back into a relationship but we do still like each other...We have went round in circles before again and again (mostly when drunk) saying we miss each other and love each other but this is the first time sober. I'm just quite confused as to what the conclusion to this may be? We have never actually came to a conclusion and that is why we've went round in circles but I think we both plan to meet up to see if there is anything we can do.Is this just a big waste of my time and am I just going to be hurt once again?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2016): Drinking seems to be one of your problems. How on earth can you have a reasonable and intelligent conversation under the influence of alcohol? Alcohol is good fuel for a screaming match.
I'll be blunt, and tell you it is not likely anything good will come of the both of you getting back together; based on the few vague details you've already offered. If you party too much and you fight a lot, that's a clear indication you're incompatible. If you go around in circles and can never resolve your problems; that is even more evidence you are a bad match.
Let me explain something to you young lady. Something you and many people need to know about love. You can love someone and be completely wrong for each other. Missing someone can come from all the wrong places. You can be a needy person who just doesn't like being alone, and very dependent on someone else for strength. You can miss sex, and that might be the only thing good between you. You can be jealous and possessive, and can't stand the thought of your ex being with somebody else. If it's true love, and you are a good match; you'd find a way to workout your problems long before they escalate to a breakup. A cycle of breaking-up and getting back together only means you're immature, have an addiction to a person or codependency; and have an affinity to drama. These are the main reasons a lot of people are drawn back together, only to just break-up after a second tumultuous attempt at reconciliation.
Your ex is only doing this because you're begging. He knows you will not leave him alone; so he's going to appease your pleas by hanging around, and he'll probably get the benefit of sex. So why turn-down the opportunity? He may miss you, but he doesn't miss your nonsense and neediness.
I always remind people that insecurities kills relationships. There is no relationship when there is no trust, and if you can't communicate with each other. You're wasting each others time. Immaturity does not fit into relationships. You cannot have the mind of a child, and try to make a real relationship work. You have to be an adult, realize your own faults, and own your mistakes. You also have to recognize the things in the other person that is not good for you. Have the common-sense to move on when you see it is a bad match and not working.
Teenage-relationship are not real relationships. They are only trial relationships meant to teach young people how to bond and create romance. It is part of your growth and development psychologically to learn how to have and maintain a connection with someone on a romantic level. So teenage relationships are not meant to last forever. You're still inexperienced and need to learn about yourself. You still need to give yourself time to shape your personality and gain understanding about different personality-traits in other people. So, you date a variety of personalities until you find the best fit for your own.
If you're immature, it's just one failed relationship after another. Even well into your later years of life. Some people never grow-up, and have very unrealistic notions of what love should be like. They often have no examples in their lives to show them. If they come from dysfunctional families, that spills over into their own lives. They repeat that dysfunction in their own relationships. If someone has to constantly reassure you or you don't trust people, you are just making them miserable.
You have to love yourself, before other people can love you.
Sit-down and make a list of the things you and your ex constantly fight about. Drinking is definitely part of your problem. You mentioned it yourself. Then apart from that, you can never work things out. That's because your personalities don't match. You like each other, but you do not love each other. You use the word love, but you really don't have a clue what love entails and really means yet. It takes time and experience to learn what love is. Your mind has to be developed enough and mature enough to understand the concept. Unfortunately, there are people well over 40 still trying to figure it out. They suffer arrested-development. We all learn, sometimes the hard way.
If you're prone to let your heart overrule your common-sense; you're a good candidate for a life of heartbreak. People in la-la-land romanticize about love based on the Hollywood and soap opera concept; but never find what's real, because they don't know any better.
You should just let the relationship go. Start working on your personal weaknesses and insecurities. Stop seeking relationships; because you may feel too weak in personality to stand on your own. Don't rely on boyfriends for your strength. Develop your own power. I hope you have completed, or in the process of completing, an education. You need to develop a career and seek independence as a woman; so you will not be dependent on men to feel safe and secure. Then you can avoid bad choices, or repeating mistakes.
Can it with the being a victim act. Too many people claim they don't want to get hurt, like someone else is always hurting them. That other person has feelings too. So many come to DC with a one-sided story like they're totally innocent, and they've been hurt by other individuals; and they had no part in killing their relationship. Never-mind the jealousy, insecurities, and weakness they themselves displayed that attributed to the end of their relationships.
Give yourself some time to grow-up. If you can't handle your alcohol, drink less or stop drinking altogether. If you party too much, find another outlet for recreation and fun. Something more positive and mature. Date for fun, and don't commit until you know whom you're committing to. Let them get to know you; so they will know if you're the right match for them. It should not surprise either of you if you don't last. Nothing forced ever works. People don't change overnight. Reconciliation works only after both of you have changed, and that depends on if you're the right match for each other.
Perhaps you may feel you need a relationship, because you need someone to lean on? Develop yourself into a strong woman. Then relationships will become easier to maintain, you will not be dependent on men; and you will not go back to bad relationships, because you feel lost without having a guy to make you feel safe. If you don't, you're doomed to repeat your mistakes.
A
female
reader, Lyn Ambrose  +, writes (1 September 2016):
 Honestly there's some parts of it that you ARE wasting your time. You two always get in a bad vibes. Why don't you just try to slowly distanced yourself to him eventhough you still love him. Love can do unusual and crazy things. But if you guys are planning to see each other, just go slow and as what the other commentor says "Don't expect any MIRACLE" . That's all. :-)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 September 2016):
 Who knows?
Chances are you ARE wasting your time. It didn't work before and it probably won't work again. Some people can REALLY like each other and be a REAL bad match. I think you BOTH know this. So don't expect a miracle. And don't expect him to have "changed".
However, IF you two plan on seeing if there IS something there... I'd suggest you keep sex out of the equation for now. IF you two can get along and bond without sex, chances are you will do fine when adding sex later on.
So go slow.
And maybe look back and think on WHAT broke you up, whatever that issue was/is.. has that been dealt with? Are you willing to deal with it now and then letting it go?
There are SO many guys out there in your age-group that if this doesn't work out you will STILL have plenty of options.
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