A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been seeing a married man, on and off for 4 years...did try ending it but we soon got back together, I guess we missed each other. We are in contact on a daily basis...emailing for hours on end plus texting by phone. Iv never asked him to leave his wife...he wont while his children are still young...We meet up in carparks and he kisses me and fondles...but im getting bored with it all...I know we dont get alot of time together but he doesn't take me out for a drink, doesn't buy me birthday or xmas presents...Iv never asked him too.Twice I arranged to book a room because i wanted privacy and comfort but he made excuses that his wife was ill or he had to take his son to the dentist...always told me at the last minute...Im feeling used if im honest. I thought I was in love with him but now im not so sure now.Is he using me? I just dont feel special anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I don't want to go into moral aspect of it, but let's look at what actually is going on with you two.You meet at the parking lot?!! Really, how humiliating is it for you? He cant spend $60 for a nice night in a hotel? Even you were going to pay for it, he wouldn't go for it, making up all kind of excuses. This is all he needs from you : a few moments in a car. Long time ago when I was very young and stupid, I had an affair with a man who was not married at the time but had a girlfriend. He married her later on, but for also 4 years on and off we saw each other.I had exactly the same scenarium as you: no going out, no presents, or no There were presents , one for my birthday, and one for Christmas, but it would better if he didn't give it to me, I don't think he paid more than 10$ for each of them.The only difference was that he had a house, so we didn't have to meet in a car, but the rest was the same. At first he was very hospitable: he would buy wine for me, and we spend hours in bed, talking and cuddling. I was completely in love.Of course he could go out with me, because his girlfriend might see us. Then when he cooled off , my time with him was strictly limited, he would even warn me, that he has like 2 hours max. Then it would be like that: we make a date, I would spend 2 hours getting ready, doing my hair, make up, nails, shaving everywhere( he didn't like any hair), come to his house, and after one time and may be 40-45 minutes, he would act like he needs to do something.Then I would get mad and leave, we wouldn't talk for a month or two, then he would call or email, and we start everything all over again.Then I 've had enough. I stoped answering his very seldom phone calls, completely ignored his email. He switched to my GYM after, not because of me, but because my GYM was new and cheaper, and I had a pleasure sometimes seeing him there. I didn't talk to him in GYM , nor did he make an attempt to come up to me. Sometimes he e mailed me saying that he saw me in GYM, and if I noticed him. I never responded.Then he married that woman, that he was dating forever,a friend of friend said. I was dating already my future husband. I married a year later, had children, and guess what I met him again, good looking as ever. We even went for coffee, and had a nice chat.After an hour, he propositioned to start seeing each other again, told me that he still keeps our love nest. I was very polite declining, and we parted, and never saw each other again.One lesson I learned from this: don't let anyone treating younwith disrespect, because if you let them they will. If your encounter with any man makes you feel sad, why do you keep on doing it?to feel even more sad? You get what you see, trust yourself. What you see in your case is a man who is married, and have you like a little something to entertain himself with. Not a single effort is made toward you. How are you different from any hooker that have sex with their clients in a car for $50? The only difference is that you don't get 50$. Drop him and never think of ohm again , concentrate on finding a real man who will eventually make you his wife and mother of his children.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): Anon female: "We have had sex....and he has said he loved me."
Assuming this is follow up from OP, all I can say (in absolute dumbfounded astonishment) is are you really THAT dumb, clueless, oblivious, and/or amoral, or are you just THAT desperate to latch on to any breathing entity attached to the other end of a dick?
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A
female
reader, Zaaleena  +, writes (12 December 2012):
Sadly that's because in his eyes you aren't that special. He is just using you.
Im sorry for how harsh that sounds but I think you deserve so much more than this man who only gives himself a little part of you (which he shouldn't be giving you anyway).
x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2012):
 I agree with all the other posters. Yes you are being used. I’m sure he finds you pleasant and nice but he does not love you just because he said he did… You are not special. You are not anything to him at all. He’s never going to leave his wife for you. Know this. You are his dirty secret on the side. I’m sorry to be so blunt but it’s true.
It’s time for you to gather your strength and move on.
He will do everything in his power to get you to continue meeting with him. IF you want to shut him up it’s easy. Tell him “sure I will continue, bring a NOTE from your WIFE saying it’s ok” Because, it's NOT ok that he lies to her (and you) and he cheats on her. He's a user and a liar and a cheater.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 December 2012):
 Saying he LOVES you doesn't mean he actually LOVES you. It means that he THINKS that is what you want to hear - and it does seem to make you stick around.
I have to ask, WHY do you think it's OK to be someone dirty little secret? Does it give you a little thrill knowing that a married man wants you? Bet the wife doesn't think it is...
Secondly, he treats you like a sex toy. No more. There is no considerations towards you at all.
And, no honey - you aren't special at all in his eyes or the way he treats you would reflect that.
If you are waiting around til his kids are grown for him to leave his wife then you have a long long road of denial ahead of you. IF he at some point leaves his wife, I seriously doubt it will be for someone he fondles in parking garages. However, let's for argument's sake say he does leave his wife for you. DO you really think he will be faithful to you?
You have wasted 4 years on this man. Why waste more time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): Iv sent him these messages by email and he is saying that im using him. Iv told him to leave me alone.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Hi
Yes he is using you, you spice up his life add a bit of excitement. Its a habit too,all the contact you have daily and the meetings.Four years is a long time.And seeing as you don't have sex or go to Hotels, it boils down to a quick grope in a car.
You just need to break the habit,your not getting anywhere with him,he is not going to leave his wife.Not sure what you gain by seeing him.He doesn't even spoil you or buy you presents.
Don't waste anymore of your life on him.Time is precious and you need a man who is free to love you,marry you, build a future with.Its not going to be him is it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): We have had sex....and he has said he loved me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): Yeah I think he is using you. He has got it real easy with you. In fact I am sure he is bored too. I am not going to make suggestions for you to "spice up" your affair because I do not believe in what you are both doing to begin with.
He doesn't do anything for you because he knows he doesn't have to, and even so you will still be at his beck and call.
I think you should take this as an opportunity to get out of the affair and take time to yourself, work on you, then eventually find another guy, one who is single and available for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I'm not going to go into the moral aspect of this issue, but a common sense issue. Nobody can do to you what you don't allow them to. You are degrading yourself for stolen moments when you should feel like you are worthy of so much more. He isn't going to buy you Christmas and/or bday presents. That's preserved for his wife and kids only. Your just a side dish. Sorry but it's the truth. If you want that special treatment, then you have to find someone who is single and won't have to worry about getting caught or doing any extra explaining to anyone.
My thought is why are you putting up with this? Surely at this point in your life, you have a moral compass. We are all aware that we can't control our emotions but we can always control out actions. You never allow your emotions to control you. You see what predicament you put yourself in because you didn't. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 December 2012):
Hi there. There is obviously some chemistry there between you, no doubt.
And four years is quite a while to be seeing each other, isn't it?
And from what you are saying, if you only sit in the car and kiss and fondle each other, well then I guess there hasn't been any sex, or at least very little sex.
And so beyond the physical attraction between you, there may not have been any real attachment between you, as yet.
It seems like he thinks about taking it further - sex - and yet at the same time, in another part of his mind, he is not sure whether to or not.
And then the inevitable feelings of guilt, that would follow.
And it's obvious that he is very conscious of this at all times.
It seems like he won't leave his wife for you, and it might be that he is feeling in a bit of a rut with his own situation, and is looking for something to break the monotony.
Please don't misunderstand me when I say this, I don't mean to offend you in any way, but depending on the age of his children, it could be quite a few years before they all leave school and become fully independent.
And I am talking about possibly 5-10 years before the youngest of them is fully independent and maybe living away from home.
So it's entirely possibly, that he won't do a thing before that time comes.
Do you really want to wait up to 10 years to be with him?
And then supposing he did then decide to leave his wife to be with you, unfortunately there is no guarantees that it will be a "Happily Ever After" situation, with you anyway.
It's a gamble whichever way you look at it.
For both of you, it's a BIG gamble, really.
And then if you did decide to be together then, what if you just don't get along?
And what if you find you have very little in common with each other?
How would you feel about it all then?
You would be very disappointed, and think - "What a BIG waste of time!"
And apart from all that, just keep in mind how you met each other in the first place.
He cheated on his wife - with YOU!
And then there is every chance, he will do it to you also.
And if you married each other down the track, each time he went out alone - or with his friends (he tells you that anyway) - you would almost certainly be wondering to yourself - "I wonder if he IS really with his friends, or with another woman?"
Could you imagine how you would feel then?
There would always be some element of doubt towards his behaviour. You would certainly be wondering, and then he comes home in the wee hours of the morning from seeing his "friends".
And you wouldn't have a clue what he was REALLY up to, would you?
That would be a terrible situation to be in.
So give this some very careful thought, because there are a lot of very nice AVAILABLE young men out there, who would flourish attention on you - and only YOU.
Don't you believe you deserve that?
Of course you do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): "Is he using me?"
Yes, but only because you're letting him.
"I just dont feel special anymore."
You never were special. Back alley mistresses of married men never are. In his eyes you are, always were, and always will be just a piece on the side. He will never do anything that would remotely risk jeopardizing the cushy, respectable life with his lawfully wedded wife.
If this is the kind of life that you're willing to settle for, then he's willing to string you along for casual sex solely for his pleasure and strictly at his convenience indefinitely or until his wife catches on, whichever comes first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): Yes, you are being used for sex. Yes you are special (in the sex department) now if you mean in his life (of course, his fantasy life that noone else knows about and will ever find out). You are a thrill because you empower him to keep coming back and you make him feel good because with you, he doesn't have to be serious about reality and responsibilities of a relationship. He doesn't have to spend money and gives you excuses because he makes sure that if he talks with you, texts, whatever, you will have no time to even look at a nice single man who you can rock his world. He would be jealous because someone has taken his milk cow. He won't leave his wife because it would give him a different financial bracket that would take him out of his comfort as well., if he was truely unhappy with his wife he would not put his kids through the pain of their disfunction, that is also why you are a secret. He will continue with his 'settled' life and style while he takes away your youthful years where you could have found someone who would give you the time of day and worship you the way your true dreams are. Four years should be an indicator, you aint number one and when the kids are older, he won't leave her either for another reason. You should find someone without all the drama. Oh, who's to say your even the only girl he is messing with as well, this just opens up a big ego and hey why not, he doesn't have nothing to lose. Treat yourself good, he won't. I also want to say that when you really care for someone he would show it, even with small trinkets because he thought you would like it or he was thinking of you. He's just think of covering his ass and going home with a smile on his face. find your true companion, your wasting your life.
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