A
female
age
41-50,
*lr
writes:HI all, this is my first time posting on a relationship site, so please bear with me if I am too unclear or longwinded. I have been dating someone for 2.5 years now, and for the most part, he is amazing and treats me really well. He is 3 years younger than me, so sometimes we have differences in maturity, but thats about it. In any case, 8 months ago (October/November) we were out of town for a month, packing up stuff in my old hometown while staying with his cousin. Towards the end of our trip, he was agitated for a couple of days, and once, really really rude to me while I was finishing up the moving. The next day, at a friends wedding, his cousin texted me to see when we would be home, and my boyfriend took my phone and scrolled though the massages and said something like "so what's the deal? Why are you two suddenly close?" Basically, it all fell into place...the days prior, he was thinking that his cousin and i were flirting. I could not believe it. I was furious and so hurt that I would be accused of emotional cheating. Of course, being at a wedding, I was a few drinks in, and lost my sh*t! I stormed out crying, and said I didn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me or respect me. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He quickly realized he had made a huge error in judgement, and started crying and begging and saying sorry. We got home, to his cousin's and I went to bed. I still felt the same way the next day (Nov. 7th), and I felt really heartbroken and could not stop crying and neither could he. A day later, I decided to stay and work things out because I thought insecurity got the better of him. He was in such a bad state at the thought of us not being together and from hurting me, I thought I should give him another chance. Fast forward to January, I am setting up his ipad, with him right in front of me, and as his emails start downloading, there is one from November, from a girl I don't know. So apparently, he met some girl the ONE night he went out without me, and got her email address. He wrote to her the next day (Nov 1st), "Hey we met last night, wanna meet up for drinks or dinner?" SHE says, "Sure how about the weekend?" He replies with "Sorry I have back to back plans, maybe next week?"She writes "Sure Mt. Popular, just let me know."Then nothing until the 8th of November, at which point he writes "Hi Axxxxx, it seems we won't be meeting this time. I had to take a red eye to London due to a family emergency. I will be back soon enough so I won't leave it to chance for us to meet again :)"Now Nov. 8th was a day he was still saying sorry and crying, hoping he could make things better, and convince me not to leave him. So he had time between his groveling to make up a story that makes him sound cool (red eye to London...lie) and then say something romantic?His response when he realized what I just found out was "I flirted for an ego boost, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it." Okay, then whats with the follow up on the 8th?My question is how is it possible, that he can be crying and all that thinking of losing me, but still have the presence of mind to try and flirt with this girl during such a difficult time in our relationship?If a man can go that far with flirting, even once, is it a sign of things to come?Why can't I get over the fact that he took the time out in the middle of our crisis to "wrap things up" with this girl?I'm not scared that he will cheat or do this again, but I can't shake the feeling that what he did is a red flag for insecurity/crazy/REALLY effed up in the head?Last but not least, when will I stop feeling like I don't know him? And can I ever get back to feeling normal with him again?To my knowledge, he has not cheated (we live in a town where everyone knows everything), and I have seen his emails before, never saw anything else. And if this is something he regularly did, he would have known better to delete his stuff. To Whomever got this far, thanks for reading my novel. Any Advice?
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cousin, flirt, heartbroken, insecure, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llr +, writes (20 June 2012):
llr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, Thank so much for the fast response! One thing to keep in mind, when I said out of town, I actually meant halfway around the world. So after the 10th or something, there would be zero chance of seeing this girl. Which is why it was extra strange. And I didn't think he was emotionally cheating...he was accusing ME of that.
I understand keeping your options open in case you fight and stuff, but this guy is always talking marriage, kids and the whole shabang. And we hardly have big fights and aren't one of those couples that break up. Which brings me back to...
Fine, you got a girl's info and got in touch for an ego boost, so why do you have time to act suave even for a few minutes, when you are telling me your world is falling apart?? That too, after a week. I mean didn't the fact that she wanted to meet up was boost enough?
Sageoldguy1465, who is the in-play girl? Me or her?
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 You might find it AMAZING.... what we guys can/will do in order to keep in-play a girl who is putting out for us, regularly.......
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Oy...
he's not a baby.. he's at least 27 if you are 30...
stop blaming his age and giving him the "immaturity" out.
that won't fly for me...
sounds like he really loves you and cares about you but that he can't be alone and when he thought you were leaving he was covering his bases.
Men like that are very insecure and have very low self-esteem and he probably did do it for an ego boost...
my last husband needed that ego boost while with me... and now he's with his new wife and he apparently no longer needs it from what I hear but that may change.
YOU have to decide if you can cope with a man that has such a low sense of self that he is afraid to be alone...
every time you have a big fight and he thinks you might leave he may do this... how do you feel about that...
and then later on if the relationship settles down and you guys get complacent he may feel unloved and go looking for ego strokes... can you cope?
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