A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm hoping for some advice/support. I'm very upset about comments that my partner makes. I've been with him for 4.5 years and gave him loads of support when his ex wife was divorcing him.I live in a council house, have two mixed race children from a previous relationship and he always makes rude comments about these things. I have worked hard, done a degree, got a better job etc and I look after the children well and they are both at college doing well. My eldest daughter is doing a masters degree at London University.The problem is he always puts me down, mostly masked as a 'joke'. I am about a size 16 and need to lose some weight I guess and he makes rude comments about my size. People mostly say I am attractive. I'm quite tall and I look after myself always smell nice and look after my hair and teeth etc but he moans about my weight.i was also left to pay off a big overdraft by my ex partner which I do. I pay £60 per month and it is reducing. I am a single parent for many years and only just went onto a better salary after going back to college etc .. My current BF does not live with me.Recently I got a provisional diagnosis of MS but so far I'm still able to work and be fairly normal.My partner/BF has been making comments such as 'just my luck, not only do I land up with a woman who lives in a council house, has two kids, a debt but now she is ill as well'. He feels sorry for himself and thinks he has ended up with 'second best' as he puts it. He keeps saying he will leave me. His ex wife really hated him and was always seeing other men but she said he drove her to it.I get so upset because he paints this picture of me as a fat, debt ridden, loser who now, on top of all else, is unwell. It is very hurtful and the other night i sat in the bathroom and just cried for ages and ages. He masks it as a joke but does make serious comments about my weight and says he will never live with me in a size 16.Can anyone help me make sense of this behaviour? Is he insecure or just nasty and is it worth going for counselling. He can be loving loyal and generous two - it is almost like he is two people and I have no idea how to handle this.Thanks for your time in reading this.
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debt, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, my ex, puts me down, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, identifiable +, writes (24 June 2009):
 He seems to be both. though im sure there are other reasons like his divorce making him bitter despite being so long ago he still went through a break up... now years down the line your serious and he desperately insecure your going to leave him, it appears his put downs put you into place(he seems to think)and will soften the pain if he thinks badly of you E.g she was just an council flat mum blah blah so who cares if she leaves..the fact is its not true and counselling seems like a tactful constructive idea.Only you can decide if this man is worth the time of day. The fact that he gets to you so much proves your own insecurities and as he knows them as well as, it emphasises his spitefulness!. Remember you need to build your own self esteem if you two are going too work you must work together, if he does change Remember to Forgive and Forget.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): why are you still with him? he has no respect for you or your kids. i am sure his comments about your kids are racist comments, isn't it, therefore you are hurting over this. do you really want this man in oyur life. i am sure you could do better. you need to start loving yourself and know this - no man is worth it. he is disrespectful and rude to you. what a shame you have not kicked him out of your council home. at least you have a roof over your head. soem people do not even have this. so next time he comes to visit, ask him to leave. show him that you are proud and can take care of yourself. if you still keep quiet you will also be destroying your kids in the end. who cares if you live in a counsil home, have 2 mixed race kids, a bit over weight, and now ill. you are still beautiful and human. just believe this. this horrible man is ashamed of you. now that you know his true joking manner, why still atick around for more insults. this man will not change and he will drop you in an instant when he finds "better". do not wait for that day, leave the jerk, you value yourself and deserve better. chin up, dry those eyes and strategise to get rid of this stigma in your life. once you are rid of him, start living your life with joy, happiness, a few extra pounds, in your warm council home. i think you actually should be proud of yourself. i know if i was your friend, i would as well.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 June 2009):
 He is both. Both insecure and nasty. You should be PROUD of yourself. You have raised to GOOD kids, have helped them get better educated, you are responsible and giving person.
Dump his sorry ass. You are too good for him.
I don't know why he moans and bitches about your weight and person in general, maybe because he is unhappy with himself, a failed marriage and the fact that YOU saw him through it. You saw him at his low point. For whatever reason I think he is resenting that. But I don't know, just a guess.
If you intend on staying with this guy you need to put your foot down, tell him to cut the crap or get the heck out.
PS. chin up, stand tall, be proud. you have done well so far.. most of it without him.. Get it?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Why are you allowing him to be part of your life? I don't see any advantage for you to keep him around. Ask yourself whether you would be better off with him or without him. I think in your case the answer to that age old question is fairly obvious.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I think you need to re-read your own question here, and then answer it, as if someone else were asking it. Why would you WANT to put up with this person? He is insecure, immature, and basically a nasty piece of work. I also hope that he is not being racist towards your children. That would be way past the point of no return.
If he 'jokes' that you are fat, debt ridden, live in a council house, and have been diagnosed with MS? WHY are you with him? The small moments of being loyal, loving and generous cannot make up for what he says.
I bet you look superb ..... tall, size 16, curves in all the right places, and IQ well above average. You are an intelligent woman. Why waste your precious time on this person? Human nature means that you probaly feel some kind of loyalty towards him, you have invested around 10 per cent of your life span in him, so it's hard to see yourself without him. My advice rarely changes in cases such as these. You have one life, so live it. Don't waste time on people who either make you miserable, or unbalance your world. What's the point?
I suppose we all have fears about the future, but I think trying to make sense of this person will probably cause you more emotional pain, and agrravate your illness. Is a man worth that? Especially one who seems to give you so little? And how shallow to say he would not live with you while you are size 16? Don't be a doormat for this person. Stand tall, be strong and beautiful, live the life that YOU are working hard for, and stay focused. Try not to waste time in his sad world. If he wants you, he will have to grow up and add something positive in your life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (24 June 2009):
 eugh hon he's just plain nasty!! he's a spiteful bloke who has to put women down to make himself feel more in control and feel better about himself!
size 16! that is NOT fat at all you don't need to lose weight at all 16 isn't that big! trust me there are a hell of alot bigger people out there, and if he truely loved you why would he say such horrid things to you?
no wonder his ex wife got driven to other men having an a**hole like that for a husband. you are totally better off without him, i mean you are meant to look after a loved one through EVERYTHING they go through whether divorce illness overweight underweight depression anything like that a partner is meant to be supportive not put you down every chance they get!
you are so much better off out of this hon seriously! get yourself a better man one who'll look after you and care for you and love you the way you've been created!
Hope this helps :) you deserve alot! and you are FAR from fat!
don't listen to him better yourself and get him out your life you don't need this put down on a loser like that!
x x x x ilovebowsandcherries x x x x
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (24 June 2009):
Yes, he's a jerk and you can do better. Actually being on your own would be better at least nobody would make fun of you on a continual basis.
You've done well for yourself, don't start ruining that by hanging around an insecure looser.
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