A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When my wife and I met she insisted on carrying on seeing (non sexually I've always assumed) her exes. She took me out for dinner with one guy, only to tell me a week later she'd kissed him and let him finger her, she had another guy round for the evening when I was away, who she told me she'd fucked twice just for fun. She was also still friends with her husband (who she eventually divorced 9 months after we met) and the two of them went out for dinner once and went to a funeral... and I've not mentioned she'd kissed the guy who ran our writing group, or tried to introduce a sex toy into our relationship she'd received as a f-present from another f-buddy she had 9 months earlier.For her first birthday, 4 months after we met, she invited all the guys above to the party and wondered when I felt a bit down about the whole thing. There wasn't a single guy there she hasn't been with.Anyhow, all this has left me deeply insecure. Now, ten years into our marriage I still bring up how she could have done any of this but it always ends in an argument with her storming off, telling me she didn't do anything wrong and why do I bring it up as it's stuff she doesn't want to talk about.It really all came to a head after I discovered she'd had a private facebook/email/messenger relationship with the first guy I've mentioned (it never to my knowledge went sexual) culminating in him sending her a message about dreaming about her when we were on our family holiday last year.Am I being a fool? Should I just drop it all, as she insists or am I right to be upset still. We argued again last night, well, I mentioned one thing, she stormed off and we haven't spoken since. I always have to be the one to make the first move and I always do, but this time I'm really feeling like just saying I'm done and moving on.We have two beautiful daughters and I'm the primary carer and this complicates everything.
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (22 May 2014):
So sorry, this defies an expression of how sh-t one person can be to another. She is in love with herself only. The trouble is she has you where she wants you and you are used to being there. So, the question is, do you have enough left to tell her to leave? If you are the primary carer she will have to support you financially. Consult a solicitor. Leave the mess behind, you will find someone to love you and will wonder how you stuck this so long. Don't waste a moment more being unhappy. This is your one life. How dare she taint it by nourishing her selfish needs totally to the exclusion yours. What a miserable deal, why on earth would you take it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 I gotta agree with both Honeypie and Sugarplum.
You need to leave
but the reason she thinks you should CONTINUE to accept her bad behavior is because you accepted it before the marriage and still married her.
As far as she's concerned her behavior is just fine because it's been just fine for 10 years already.. a little fight and you forgive her and go back to being her doormat.
Contact an attorney and find out what the provisions are for the stay at home parent to get support for themselves and the children....
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 You made the mistake accepting her behaviour before marriage and she clearly thinks after marriage its okay to carry on in the same manner. You have tried talking and you have actually been very good to her by tolerating it for so long. You deserve more and you need to move on. She is not worth it, how can you even talk about things if she believes she did nothing wrong. You are barking up the wrong tree. The woman has no remorse and does not care how you feel. This is the end of the road, question is are you strong enough to move on..... Just remember make the decision on what you want and not for the sake of the kids. Kids are more resilient and you certainly not the first man that will be ending a marriage with kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): You've put up with all this for ten years. That's unbelievable!
You're married with two children, and your wife shares illicit details of her sexual behavior with other men?
If you've reached your limit and can't stand her anymore; then end your marriage.
Love doesn't allow people to treat their spouses the way you have described the treatment you've received. However; you've stood by and just watched or listened.
That's strange.
You've allowed her to flaunt her exes in your face, and didn't verbalize that you were offended by her insensitive behavior. You married this woman knowing of her history; and you've been quite passive through all this.
Why would you let these guys into your home, and not say anything? So why now?
For a married-woman with children, your wife's behavior is a little vulgar; for lack of a better word.
You have to make it clear that these men are no longer allowed in your home; based on the nature of her past with them. If you want to remain married to this woman, you will have to end all this blatant flaunting of her old sex-partners around you.
It's disrespectful to your marriage, and calloused toward your feelings. It's deliberate emasculating behavior.
She is over the top with maintaining her contact with her sex-buddies around you. I do have to ask what is wrong with you? You are amazingly passive. All of this is right before your very eyes!
You're not a fool; nor is she. If you don't say anything, she is assuming you're just cool with it. Or worse, she doesn't care. Either way, you have to express your feelings about it, in order for her to stop. She'll continue, as long as nothing is said or done about it.
You shouldn't feel insecure. You should feel disrespected and betrayed.
Your wife's conduct is inappropriate as a wife and a mother. I think you knew the type of woman she was when you married her. She didn't change over-night. It's been a consistent performance for ten years.
Personally, I couldn't remain married to such a person. I wouldn't want to raise my children in such a disrespectful environment. I couldn't allow myself to be treated so.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 May 2014):
 Wow, I think you have EVERY right to be upset. But what I don't understand is IF you knew what she was doing with all these guys, WHY did you marry her?
Having a "secret" Facebook indicates that she KNOWS you won't like what's going on, that she is HIDING it from you. That YOU are not PART of that sliver of her life.
I think you need to sit her down and have a discussion about boundaries, because she is overstepping all yours and not seemingly giving a shit.
I would say IF you WANT to try and save this marriage, I'd suggest counseling. IF she will go. If she refuses well, then you know what she thinks of the marriage.
Personally, there are just too many incidents of crossing deal breakers, and I'd rather walk then let my girls grow up to think THIS is how you treat your husband and how you act.
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