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I'm tempted to punish him by cheating on him

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 June 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hey all!! I'm in need of some good solid advice and know this website would be my best bet for non sugar coated advice. I know I'm not the only person going thru this type of stuff, so please help me thru it.

I've been dating the same guy for almost 5 years now. Thru the relationship we have dealt with the ups and downs as any relationship has. 4 months into the relationship he proposed to me. I was stupid and followed my heart and accepted his proposal since I've never had a relationship this amazing in my life. Not even a month later, I found out that he was going behind my back with other women, hid a 2nd phone from me that he used to chat with other women while he was at work. And found out even more junk about him which he tried to hide from me.

Since that period in my life, it has seriously messed my mind up and I fell into a DEEP depression. I couldn't even talk to him about how his bad decisions effected me without him yelling at me for bringing it up. He says "that was the past....u should be over it!!" With his actions basically pushing me away it made things that much worse to deal with.

Years have gone by and I still have problems with "thoughts" appearing in my head that he's doing me wrong. I try to talk to him about it but shocker, he gets ticked off and yells at me over it. I have a 7 yr old daughter that unfortunately witnesses the way he treats me. He has been a father figure to her for almost 5 years. And I'm afraid what will happen to her if another man leaves out of her life.

Not even a month after she turned 1 yr old, I got the worst call of my life telling me that my fiance (her daddy) was jumped by "2 friends of ours" and just died due to his injuries. The woman I once was died when all that happened and I became a VERY angry woman towards the court system due to the judge basically giving those guys a slap on the wrist due to the location/city that they did this in.

I met the man I'm with now a cpl years later and began dating him. Now I'm seriously afraid with how my daughter would handle yet another man disappearing from her life again. He honestly has been a great dad figure towards her. But NOT a good man towards me. He admits to having an anger problem. And I tell him that he should go get help for the problem he says he has. But he won't due to whatever excuses he may come up with.

Close friends of mine at my job have first handedly witnessed my personality change from a very goofy always smiling lady to a down in the dumps depressed/stressed out lady. They tell me I'm enabling the guy I'm with by putting up with his actions. He pays me $100/wk which is cheap as hell. But I have helped knowing he has been struggling financially. It passes me off beyond belief when he sits there and buys booze or smokes all the time tho to help his "needs/addiction out". But he doesn't give a crap about my "needs/addiction in the bedroom."

I'm to the point of not knowing what to do anymore. I'm just so angry that I can't be myself anymore and that he's basically gotten off insane easy thru all the cheating, lies, ect...that he's put me thru. Would it be a bad idea to just pay him back 1 time and cheat on him since he thinks what he put me thru is just so easy to get over on your own?

I've turned down many men that have interests in me due to being in a relationship. But am seriously half tempted with putting him thru the same sh*t he has put me thru so he can feel the pain he put me thru. I never deserved any of it.

View related questions: at work, cheap, depressed, fiance, period, smokes

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou think the best idea is to cheat on him just once? Honestly? Wow I have never heard such silliness. Cheating on him is not going to make you feel better, it is not going to make things better at all, it WILL make things worse.

Honestly you say he has been a good father figure, but then you say he has been angry towards you IN FRONT off your daughter. What example is that teaching her? All that is teaching her is that it is okay for men in future to treat her like that. The best thing you can do for HER and for YOU is to leave this man. He has anger issues, and you have never forgave him for cheating all them years ago, it is not fair on him either that you are holding on to the past, in fairness you where the one that choose to stay with him, you should not keep punishing him for it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (19 June 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Whar makes you think that he would go trough the same pain you went through. What if he is not that bothered. What if he basically does not give a f..k, except perhaps ar best because of superficial hurt to his male pride .

It does not

sound as if tgis guy cares a whole lot about you. He contributes minimally to your living expenses, but he always has money to feed his addictions. He neglects you sexually. He has an anger problem , which he knows it is affecting you as a couple, and he refuses to do anything about it. I would even challenge that he is such a great father figure for your child, - because obviously he has no qualms about yelling at you in front of her, and this is like " parenting big don't 101".

You don't mention being in love or in lust with another man, so I assume you 'd have an one night stand just to punish your current partner, but, tbh, it sounds like a kind of punishment that would not hurt much at all.

If you want to hit him where it really hurts, instead- hit him in the purse. Stop letting him have board and lodging for 100 a week : start charging him rent, utiliries, food at the real cost- ouch ! No money for his addictions- no free rides - no gravy boat. Either he coughs up ALL that he is supposed too, or else he may sit out in the cold and fend for himself ( other ladies might be less tolerant and indulgent than you... and he knows that ): Ouch ouch ! THEN you'd inflict him real pain !

As another poster noticed, what happened to the marriage proposal ? He proposed, you said yes, and then ?... Ok I get it, you found out he is a liar and a cheater and that flunked the wedding plans. But why refusing to marrying him AND keeping the relationship going for years ? If charring with women behind your back , and other junk you found, was / is a deal breaker - why keeping him around ? If he is unreliable, it's not that he becomes more reliable when you refuse to marry him !

I hate seeming to side with your partner ( I don't, he sounds totally like a loser and an abuser ) but , at the end of the day, he is not wrong about the general concept, if not in this exact specific case :

either you forgive, or you don't.

X does something bad to Y, and Y is understably hurt. Well, then, though, either Y gets over his/ her hurt and decides that the something bad belongs to the past and fron now on everything will be different. Because he / she trusts X and trusts that X made a mistake, yes, but will never ever do it again.

Or , Y simply can't get over what happened. With the best good will, yet what happened is too hard to swallow , or hurts too much, or was a relationship deal breaker which won't go away,

That's understandable. A lot of people have trouble with forgiveness and getting over things. Forgiving is hard - and it's not mandatory .

But then, what's the point of staying in the relationship. Wouldn't it be easier, healthier and smarter just breaking up and moving on ?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntQuestion: what are you getting out of this relationship? This abusive guy is taking you for a ride financially as well as cheating on you and abusing you in front of your daughter. WHY are you still with him?

I know you say you worry about your daughter losing someone she looks to as a father figure but you are risking your daughter growing up with a seriously screwed up idea of what is acceptable in relationships. Like you, she will put up with abusive men because that is what she has witnessed and that is what she thinks is acceptable. Is that what you want for her? For whatever reason you do not think YOU are worth more, but surely your daughter is worth more?

I notice that, despite a proposal 4 months into your relationship, you still say you are just "dating" this man 5 years down the line. Forgive me but I thought proposals were about getting married? What happened to that?

Sweetheart, if not for yourself then for your poor innocent impressionable daughter, kick this scumbag's backside out of your life and show your daughter it is NOT ok to put up with abuse. If HE cared anything about your daughter, he would get help for his anger issues. He would still be a cheating sponging parasite though, so still not a great catch. I mean, he doesn't even take care of your sexual needs.

Cheating on him is just a really silly idea. It will just give him leverage over you to justify his anger. Consign him to the rubbish bin where he belongs, enjoy some alone time with your daughter and then, in time, move on and find someone who treats you well, who pulls their weight financially and doesn't cheat on you. You deserve no less. Stop selling yourself so cheap.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

"Thru the relationship we have dealt with the ups and downs as any relationship has."

Typical Dear Cupid-speak for rationalizing a dysfunctional, unhealthy, toxic relationship. Loving, mature, stable couples do not have "ups and downs" and whatever slight disagreements they may have are quickly resolved in an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration.

"He honestly has been a great dad figure towards her. But NOT a good man towards me."

Then he's NOT a "great dad figure." A great dad would never teach his daughter by example that it is expected and acceptable behavior for a man to disrespect a woman, especially her mother.

"Would it be a bad idea to just pay him back 1 time and cheat on him since he thinks what he put me thru is just so easy to get over on your own?"

Yes; you'd be setting an even worse example for your daughter than you already are AND you'd be dragging an innocent person into your domestic drama while quite possibly putting his health and safety into danger at the hands of someone whom you know first-hand "admits to having an anger problem."

"But am seriously half tempted with putting him thru the same sh*t he has put me thru so he can feel the pain he put me thru."

No point. He's very aware of what he's put you through and he doesn't care; he knows that he can keep doing it because you're going to keep letting him get away with it.

Instead of behaving like a spurned schoolgirl you need to act like an adult and put your daughter's interests first. Do you really want her to grow up believing that serving as doormat for a lazy, boozing, verbally abusive freeloader is "normal?"

"I never deserved any of it."

Neither did your daughter. As an adult you have the freedom to make as many poor life choices as you wish, but SHE'S the one who is suffering the most from the consequences.

I strongly suggest you seek counseling; if you're unwilling to do it for yourself then do it for your daughter's sake.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (18 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou got engaged about 8 months too soon, at the least.

You found out he was cheating, but you're still with him.

You know he's no good, so why stay? Getting "revenge" just makes you as "cheap and nasty" as he is. You don't gain anything; just lose your dignity.

Leave him and get counselling to work out why you're tempted by this immature and illogical plan.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (18 June 2017):

N91 agony auntYour age states you're between 36-40 years old, yet the idea you have sounds like something a stroppy teenager would come up with. How would cheating on him solve anything?

If he is going behind your back then why are you still with him? Why would he stop if there's no consequence?

I'm not sure what's making you stay exactly. He is sly and has anger issues, oh wow, sounds like such a catch. Have some self respect and dump this guy and move on with your life.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntWhat on the earth gives you the right or responsibility to punish any adult?

You are addicted to abusive relationships. Here is what you need to do. Get into counseling and find out what is making you do this. Get out of this relationship and get a restraining order if that is warranted. Promise yourself that you will never expose your daughter to another abusive man and keep that promise. Stay out of relationships until you can get your emotions working properly.

Here is what you should never do. Never use an innocent person to exact revenge on a guilty one.

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