A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi! :) hey... I really need your advise on something that's been bothering me almost this whole year...I've asked people but most of them just brush my issue away,and advise me to just move on..but its not an easy thing to do...so please do help me out and I shall be really grateful to you There was this guy I liked,we met,became friends and yeah...we fell in love... it was just pure happiness and bliss,we really loved each other to the extent we made a very serious promise we'll never ever let go of one another.One day,my parents came to know about our relationship, and they did not approve it and their excuse was we're too young and stuff... but we still loved each other...though we didn't exactly fight..but we thought maybe we should respect our parents view and maybe avoid seeing each other for some time.But eventually,our parents knew we loved each other even after they told us not to...so my boyfriend just started to ignore me and stuff... nd it was almost like we broke up...though we didn't talk about moving on and we didn't talk after that I went through a very bad emotional period that time...and it took me months to get a hold of my own life. Many guys wanted me to date them...but I just couldn't because whenever I wanted to love somebody else..all I could think about was my dear boyfriend and our promiseThere was this male friend of mine...(he's a senior and happens to be in the same batch as my boyfriend) he asked me if something was going on between me and my boyfriend (not many of them knew about our relationship)I told him what happened and he comforted me and told me it OK and all...Well we bonded really well and one day he confessed that he likes checking me out...and I was super embarrassed to hear a confession like that from a friend...One night...when we were casually texting each other....things took a turn..and we texted stuff which was more than friends talk and he asked me if we should become friends with benefits...and he said he didn't want to be in an emotional relationship with someone because he lost hope in love after his ex left him...and he didn't want to be burdened with commitments and relationships and stuff I really don't know what to do...because I kind of like the "friends with benefits" idea...since I don't have a boyfriend...and I'm pretty lonely..and its not all that serious as it sounds..no sex involved in this but I still can't let go of my boyfriend..(I don't like calling him my ex) because what if he still likes me..but just wants to obey his parents and wait for me till the right time,.But I'm also attracted to the other friend of mine...who comforts me and I'm scared if i might develop an emotional connection to him...please help me out
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broke up, fell in love, friend with benefits, his ex, move on, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 If you are intersted in / you are developing an emotional connection with the new guy, you are wasting your time and looking for trouble, because he made clear that's NOT the emotional part that he wants ( he does not believe in love anymore blah blah blah ) and it's the SEX part he is after. FWB means friends with sex, and more sex than friendship, actually- how do you suppose you would have an FWB thing without sex ?! I think there 's a misunderstanding between you about what each of you wants.
As for your ex bf- yes, for all intents and purposes you are broken up and the sooner you accept that, the better for you. What if he still likes you... yeah, exactly : what IF ? even if he does still like you ; anyway he is not going to date you, because his parents won't let him, and he is obeying to his parents . So, no matter what he has in mind, in practice he has put a stop to your relationship, he is not talking to you, he made it to be over by his ACTIONS ( even in case his feelings MIGHT be different ). And that was months ago !.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 WiseOwlE is right on the money here, you're on the road to destruction tryto juggle two guys with different "titles" and different functions. One or the other is going to go down in flames but you'll be the one getting burned if you are not careful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): You have to use terms in their proper context. Friends with benefits does include sex. Sex is the benefit. Otherwise; you're just friends.
I think your parents know your ways quite well; and wisely cooled down your last relationship. You are very deeply involved in the concept of love. To be more specific; maybe given to the "fantasy-concept." This is very innocent and appropriate for your age. The unfortunate side of that is; boys don't interpret a girl's loyalties to a pledge of love without expecting something more to seal the deal.
The other boy was simply going along, with you leading the way. Holding out until you finally decided to include sex. Your parents feared that would eventually happen, and interceded. His parents probably felt you took up far too much of his time, and was too much of a distraction. That's their job. To make sure he doesn't get some young girl pregnant, and to avoid your dad from killing him for it.
Boys get bored with just kissing and sending lovey-dovey text messages all day long. That explains why he decided to ignore you for awhile. He just needed a break.
You're still caught-up a little in the schoolgirl fantasy-concept of love. In-love with being in-love. Probably spending the greater part of your day exchanging long and frequent messages. Your parents had to interfere; because they recognize when you needed to find more to do with your time, than concentrate it all on a boy.
So now you've found another boy to fixate your time on.
Do not call it an FWB, or he will expect you to deliver the benefits. If your heart is into someone else; it isn't a good idea to lead him on. If you don't plan to have sex with him, don't lead him to believe that there are benefits to look forward to. That is, if that's not what it's about. (So you claim.) Guys only go along with this stuff until they get what they want.
FWB is what people do when they either want to use someone, or be used; and have no responsibility for the other person's feelings. You'll get a lot of talk from people who advocate it, but at the end of the day; they've got issues.
Don't set yourself up to get played.
You need to get away from boys and concentrate on becoming an enlightened woman in other ways. The more you wrap yourself up in drama, the farther you'll find yourself slipping away from reality. When you do get the real thing,
you'll be confused; because it is a lot more complicated than pining for your boyfriend all day and thinking of nothing else.
You're totally fixated on romance, and not adding any empowerment to your life. That boy is all you can think of. If people have told you to move on, they were correct.
You have studies, you should have focus, you should be choosing your career, you should have creative hobbies; and you should have real friendships to add balance to your social-life. You should be out having fun and educating yourself. Nothing is more desirable and precious than a multifaceted,intelligent, dignified woman who has a lot to offer. She has her choice of the cream of the crop. She also knows if she isn't on top of it, men will grind her heart to bits. Expand your horizons young lady!
Sitting around dwelling on some guy all day, is going to make your life quite one-dimensional.
You'll never get to meet other guys, and determine if there may just be someone better for you. You don't want to be one of those very simplistic females that centers her boring little existence on searching for fairytale romances. Which, by the way, do not exist. Her whole universe revolving around guys who think she's a total flake.
Become someone dynamic, cultured, and interesting. Enjoy life aside from spending time making choices about boys. Make some larger choices that will open up life and opportunity. You're becoming a woman, and that requires so much more than just wasting your day pining over love-fixations. While all your friends are out enjoying life. Dating different boys, and learning how to have real relationships.
Hopefully, you do have friends?
Meaning, the kind that the only benefits exchanged are with people who care about you; and with whom you grow and share good-times. Maybe if you had real friends(which include girls)you wouldn't have time to worry about those boys so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you janniepeg ! It's not that I'm in a FWB relationship right now, its just a suggestion he put across, but I feel kinda bad for my ex and in this whole problem, I feel really guilty. And I'm more interested in an emotionally supportive relationship than a FWB one. The idea is tempting but if its a substitution for my ex...never! I really liked my ex...and I don't know whether he still likes me...the whole problem I see didn't exactly "breakup" so it makes things harder...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 If you go ahead with the FWB, then in the future you will be transferring feelings of attachment from your ex to this new guy. At first it will be like casual, a distraction from your ex and fun and games. Later you will wonder if there's something between you two.
Moving on is not easy but for the long run it's better for your mind and heart. I think of people who hopped from one person to another are just delaying the pain and the moving on process. Why not do it now so you can free yourself to find someone who's right for you and your family? FWB is just a cheap substitute of the real thing.
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