A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a man two years ago during a year long course. For the year he would follow me out for breaks, chat, flirt. I gave him my number and he called and invited me out. First night he told me about his drinking, drugs, problems with his dad, childhood, etc. We saw each other two weeks- I could tell he really wanted be with me. Then he just quit calling. Months later ran into him at bar and we went out. Then he never called. Then month later ran into him and he asked for my number and we have been together since. From that point on it has been amazing love, and are now married.He is sober and clean and left his bad friends(I never ever told him too). He said last time ran into me was like pulling him out of dark tunnel, and he held on.he is romantic, cuddles, holds hands always..and always tries talk me through our awful start...but the past couple months I cry so much worried if its lies...what if he did like and want others and was as loving to them.Problem is that the two times he vanished...he was with other woman..he said he didn't have attraction for them, tried pushing me out of his mind, always wanted me but knew he was a loser and would bring me down...said it ended because he called her my name...what if I'm just being gullible.I am going through hell thinking that he didn't want me, and I ended up being last resort.I can't stop picturing him and other woman he was with for two weeks.He says he never held, cuddled, thought of who he was with, until met me. Said from start knew wanted marry me.So...question that's hurting me. I'm so scared we made a mistake.Wouldnt an addict be with girl of his dreams rather than women he had no attraction/didn't like?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I think it's just too soon to tell. you've only just married and only known him 2 years (actually less than that if you count the times he had vanished). I think it is too soon to tell how he truly feels about you and whether he is an honest person or not. Stop asking him the same question over and over because asking the same question will just get you the same answer. But I would still keep my guard up and observe him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Thank you so much for your answers. No he hasn't done anything at all wrong since we've been together/married.I got positive from sageoldguy,Cerberus, exactly my fears that he lied, said whatever...that I was so gullible...it was just so confusing/ hurtful...he has said his whole life since school felt was loser, couldn't get anyone he liked. Dated girl in highschool he didn't find attractive(except boobs..lol) but it was someone wanted him..and she drank/ drugs as much as the guys.she ended up having his kid..she nuts and abusive..he got custody...then he just couple drunk pickups, he said didn't need attraction he always just pictured others(porn/pics). That it was never cuddly, was just get drunk,"do it" then leave...that he a loser couldn't get any better...he saw two others for few weeks. And then just drunk bar hookups couple times..that it his whole life for dating..he was the guy in his group couldnt get women/"laid"...he said all year flirting, didnt ask me out cause i outta his league. but I said doesn't make sense cause once he was with me "duh" could get me, why vanish...he said I too good, he'd have to quit stuff and be good enough...and scared I'd leave eventually cause he such a loser. I had even second time said we could keep it casual(i thought wouldnt pressure him)...he says that crushed him cause he never wanted me as just "piece of meat"I didn't want be gullible...but with me at first, he didn't kiss public,hold hands, touchy/feely...so it kinda seemed like he wasn't very used to affection or showing it. Then once we a couple he was that affectionate...and from start we hung out at his place, stayed nights...he says no one ever spend night with him(except his sons mom) they moved in for bit...I spent night always, My husband talks and talks tries to work through our shitty start...and I'll say he just saying shit...he swears that's truth and he's not " making that's how it was". That he's telling truth. trying answer what i ask.Says from first year saw I was pretty, good mom, head on my shoulders, good family friends I had...If he had me, then why the hell ignore me and want others..He says didn't want others, didn't even like them..tried push me out...Why did he even admit other woman, if just b.s. that he wanted others, not me.If lying...why admit at all?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 ok these women were from BEFORE YOU were committed and married?
if so then yeah you are over reacting.
if you are married now and happy and he's clean and sober (lucky you, my alcoholic is still actively drinking even though it's killing him) and you are doing great, then it does not really matter if he settled.. he's with you and WANTS to be with you.
call it settling
call it compromising
call it whatever you want
the end result is your husband is with you, he's happy, he's a good husband... what more do you want?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I cant really see what the issue is here - ok so he didnt treat you right at the start, but you forgave him and gave him your number on the 3rd occasion and ever since then its been fine.
Has he done anything since then to cause you not to trust him? Has he done anything wrong in your marriage?
I'd just let the past be the past, he chose you and he married you - what more do you want? So what he had other women in his life before you, we all have ex's and we all have a past. Yes he messed you around a bit, but often people date multiple people at a time before settling down with one person.
I know I did - I met my boyfriend online, but when I was first talking to him I was dating one or two other men, and this continued until I realised my boyfriend was the one I wanted and I ended things with the other 2.
If he is a good husband and doesnt give you any reason not to trust him in your marriage, then I'd forget all about this and enjoy having a great husband.
He chose you at the end of the day, it doesnt matter what his reasons were - he wants you. As long as he doesnt start messing you around now you are married and talking to other women behind your back, then you really shouldnt be worrying about this, it is just unnecessary drama for no valid reason.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I'd like to offer an alternative - and positive - spin on this matter:
You have described his struggle(s) with drinking, drugs and a difficult past .... all of which you are willing to give him a "Pass" for getting over them.... He chose a "preferred" or "better" life with YOU over his prior life WITH those ghosts.....
Now, how about you fold-in any potential or likely womanizing during his time away from you....with all the others failings of this guy? ... and convince yourself that this "new" guy is worth it (your time/attention and love) in spite of this plus all the other activities that he purged from his life.... for YOU....
Think about it.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): What do you even expect him to say, what should a husband say to his wife, when she asks him about event prior to marriage? You married him after all. Let me tell you my story, and may be it will put you at ease. I m married for 28 years. I married right after high school a guy that I was dating or 2 years. He was my first and is my only one. I still ask him a questions why he did what he did before we actually married, like 3 months before our wedding. And this is what he tells me: I don't know. He is older than me by 8 years. At that time all his friends started to get married. At one of the weddings that we both went, one girl started flirting with him the whole nite, and put her telephone number into his pocket. He called her, and took her out.We lived in a big city then, and I use to go with my dad once a week for coffee to our favorite cafe across opera house. I went there with my fiancé then several times. He told me that day he would be busy at work event, but he was busy going on a date with that girl.Yes, you guessed it correctly, as soon as my dad and me sat down, here they are walking in. I couldn't believe how stupid he was. Out of places he picked this one, knowing that we frequent this caffee. I Managed not to make a scene, but later when she left, I took my ring of and gave it to him right there on a street. I went to sleep at my moms house, picked up my things next morning, when he was at work. He came back the same day, he cried and begged, he was assuring me that I m the only one for him. He was so miserable, that even my mom asked me to think about the whole situation. I was crashed. Now I understand how people when depressed don't want on keep on living. This numbing feeling spread all over my body, and I couldn't move. I was never again so sad in my life. I felt betrayed by the closest to me as I thought person, my future husband, and future father of my children, a man who suppose to protect me and be there for me. I felt so little and helpless. I actually had a very hard time believing, that this is me in this situation. I was trying to find all kinds of excuses for him, may be he got scared of coming wedding, may be he is scared of settling.We didn't cancelled wedding, he begged me to give myself a month, and rethink everything. Then I sat with him, and asked him for the first time, why you did this? I just want to understand, why? All he could say, I don't know. We talked and talked, and he asked not to through away what we have, not to through away our life because of this incident. I was screaming at him that if we didn't see them that night, he would end up sleeping with her. To make this long story a little shorter, we ended up getting married. He never cheated on me, well, as far as I know at least, I m pretty sure though.We have children, and waiting for our first grandchild. I m still asking him why he did it, and he still answers to me that he doesn't know. May be he is giving bs, he probably does, I think he knows, may be it was just lust , may be he was afraid, but it doesn't matter now. For almost 30 years he was an excellent husband, probably much better than I was a wife. He is a great father to children, and loves me all the same. We take care of each other, we traveled the world. I still ask him that questions, but now as a joke. Should I think he just settled for me, I don't think so. He wanted me, not the other 300 women he slept with in his wild foggy years, full of drugs and alcohol, and endless encounters with different women every night.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Out of all the women he could have been with, he chose you to spend the rest of his life with. He chose to commit to you. So what if he had a history with other women? I think he was with these women during his dark periods, and none of them helped him or inspired him to rise above his addictions. You have that honour. You saved him from himself. Please don't let your insecurity and resentment about the past destroy what sounds like a wonderful, loving relationship. The past is the past. It cannot be changed. Enjoy what you have now and create wonderful memories with him that will make you happy and fulfilled in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): OP I would love nothing better than to put your mind at ease, but you're right. He fed you a crock of shit about those other women.
now I don't believe he's just settling, I don't. I think he married you because he loves you and wants to be with you, I can't say that for certain of course but settling for you doesn't sound plausible either. I think he did end up wanting to be with you forever and now he has that.
I have a feeling he polished up that bullshit story about those other women in an attempt to ease your mind and make him look better and it backfired immensely because frankly OP it's a load of utter bullshit and you know it.
It does not mean he's settling though OP, it does not mean they were better than you or that he doesn't want you and you're all he can have, I really don't think it's that.
The guy was/is a drinking druggie, so it wouldn't be unusual for a person like that to be all over the place, floating around getting with random people and just getting wasted with them and doing stupid fucked up shit. I think he lied to cover that part, to not seem like that kind of guy and perhaps for you not to worry about his love for you but it backfired immensely. he was not thinking of you and you know it. He made no attempt to contact you and it's only when you ran into him that he took the opportunity, even though he had plenty before that. So he wasn't thinking about you in the way he said he was, the guy is an opportunist, you presented an opportunity for him at a time when he needed that, if it wasn't convenient for him then maybe it wouldn't have happened, I guess that's why you think he may have settled.
Try not to confuse that with settling though OP. Just because his mind was elsewhere doesn't mean that he's not totally devoted to you now, but you do have reason to be cautious. It shows he's fickle, it shows he's a fantasist that will say things you want to hear just for the effect. I'm sure the idea that he was thinking about you the whole time sounds really romantic in his head and something you "must" want to hear but it's crock of shit and it sucks that he felt the need to butter you up like that.
"He says he never held, cuddled, thought of who he was with, until met me."
Ugh, you see? His actions say that's bullshit, don't they? That really is him saying what he thinks you want to hear, maybe he even convinced himself that it's true.
If he knew from day one he wanted to marry you then he would have worked his arse off to keep you.
I think the truth here is not as bad as you may think though OP, I do think he sees you as a kind of saviour, I do think he chose to be with you because he wants to and I don't think he's just settling for you. There's nothing to say he won't be loyal, faithful and loving until the day he dies. I just think he was complete idiot for trying to make this sound a way in which his actions completely contradict.
OP I don't think you made a mistake, he's sober, has gotten rid of his druggie friends and he hasn't crossed any boundaries has he? He hasn't betrayed you or messed around with other women has he?
He's not the guy he was then, but he is trying to make things sound better than they were and that's made you suspicious. Don't doubt yourself though, everything is okay until he gives you a true reason not to think so, just understand that he was a druggie, he was an opportunist, he's a fantasist that likes to tell you what you want to hear more than the dirty truth and that doesn't mean for one second he's just settling. I see no evidence in what has happened at all to suggest that. But just know what he's like, how he likes to present things and learn to read through the lines of the things he says so you're not caught out in the future. He may well be a good guy that means well just has a shitty idea of how he should present things, it is so patronizing that he thought you'd be that stupid as to believe that crock of shit. So keep an eye on that OP but try not to let it spoil anything for you if he's been a good and faithful husband to you. Let it slide but keep your eyes open and don't worry unless he gives you real reason to doubt him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Hi, you are married to him and not any of the other woman, he is loving and good to you, accept it and move on. Why dwell on what ifs?
You want to destroy a good thing you have of a possibility that you may have been the last choice?
Okay assume you were not the first choice? What then? Do you want to end your marriage? Do you want to cause yourself heartache.
Let it go and accept that he came back to you and married you because he loves you and want to be with you. Also he doe snot make you feel like you were the last choice. Stop looking for problems that are just not there.
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