A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy for almost six months during the time I got pregnant.Issues between me and his mom became apparent when she and her daughter begin writting shady comments on my fb page I finally confront both of them and his mom end up call me a lazy b***h and I should get off my butt and get a job. Me and my bf got into it and explain that my mom was mad at me because I left a bowel in her sink(which I didn't my bf did.) I ask him why she didnt come to me about it and he claims his mom is a bit childish and a little nutty(due to the weed and her abusive past) and believes she has early stages of alzheimer or Dementia. His mom has swear me off and made it clear that she does not like me and was offended that he would pick my side over hers. Me and my bf have already been having ours issues because he is 39 and has been through four jobs since we have been together and want me to work when I am near four months pregnant now.A month later he wanted to take his nephews bike(who live with his mom) and I told him I would say at home since he would be gone for a day. He said he was dropping it off at his sister and we was saying at her house and not going to his mom. I ask twice was he going to his mom because I wanted no trouble or problems with her and I would just stay at home.He promise and assure me that we going near his mom.We went to return the bike got to our destination(after almost 4 hours) and made it about 1hour 40 mins early and he parked in front of his mom house. I look disbelief and he went inside and came out an said he apologized on me and his behalf. I ask him have he had lost his mind and told him I would just sit outside until his sister came. He got mad and when out side. His nephew(twice) came out told that his grandma would forgive me for having to check me. I told him to go inside and don't come back with more messages. Not long after my bf and his mom came out the house saying he wanted to show her his truck. So I close the door hoping to avoid conflict. After he show his truck he open the door and demand that I forgive his mom. I told him had upset me and this was not the time and we had already talk about this. While I was talking to him his mom walks off and said I couldn't stand you anyway you lazy stupid b***h. That is when me and her got into it. I agure with her until my stomach begin hurt and I told him to take his mom inside the house because she was stressing me out. He went inside and came back angry and accuse me of being childish and holding grudges and begin calling me names and even threatening to put me on the highway on our way back to our his cousin apartment (which we lived) because she told him to take me back. I thought it was over until he got a phone call from his mom who to!d him to come back and let me me sit in the car which he did and left me in the car until his sister got home. When we got to his sister house he told not say anything and begin almost picking with me. At that point I told him the realtionship was over and he said he didnt care.His sister continue to tell him to leave me along which he didnt and he and her went to go get something to drink and was gone for two hours. He came back and the mocking continue until his sister and bf went to bed. For almost another hours this man begain to bittle me and accuse me of being unfaithful He told me he was over his mom house talking about come and that his mom his family and he believed that baby wasn't his since I became pregnant.i was hurt because i knew it was his and he demand a DNA test. Again he accuse me of cheating which I threw him my phone to prove it to him and it stil wasn't enough. He saw that I had changed my fb status to single and blew up. He took the phone he got back and claim it was a loan. I was call all kind of names and told.I was dead weight anyway and he was done with me any way. I decided not go back with him because he was still so angry the next day. So I got my sister to come get me. I went to get my car and some clothes and told him I would be back for the rest and went to my mom. I thought to myself I would let him cool down and try to work it out because we were having a child together a week later I tried to call him but he still was acting shitty towards me and told me I had made my bed so lay in it and call him when the kid was born in 5 months. Not less than another week later he was in a relationship with another girlfriend who was sitting in his lap and posted it on FB. I was hurt because I hadn't even gotten my stuff our yet and he he was laying on the same couch already with another woman. I confront about it and he basicly said I left him and to get over it and move on because that what normal people do. At which the point the girl begin to mock me but then deleted it.The next day I ask him did he love this woman and he claims yes he did and to let them be in peace. So I agreed and erase his number. Now I am sitting here alone and pregnant and is wondering what went wrong...any advice?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 I am so sorry that he is not communicating with you, but I agree you should seek legal advice, if not for yourself then for your unborn baby, you will need every penny for the baby. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (30 July 2018):
 Your follow up is great, but child support is necessary for the child, not for you. You can move on, but that child still deserves the financial support from the father, so please don't walk away without it. You do all of those good things you mentioned, but also get child support in place for your child - it's in their best interest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 July 2018):
 Good for you OP!
Keep moving forward!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I must admit since I wrote this post the realtionship was fresh and i was still in my feeling. Since the break up it seems that only good things have been happening.so much so I can not name them all so I will tell a few.1.i dont believe in abortion and i have no plans to put my child up for adoption.I have the support of my family who are excited and can't wait until the baby is born. They have given me great advice and love. Never take your family for granted which I am so grateful for as well as those in my community.. I am so lucky to have them all.. they keep me smiling.The best adivce I was told was: Sometime you have to go though some bad lessons in life in order to find,learn ,and appericate the good lessons.You are still young and are still learning from your mistakes like I and many before you once did at your age and it would be foolish of me to shame you for a stage in your life that everyone must go through but I rather you learn your mistakes now while you are still young and your family and friends are here with you now rather than later when you are old and most of us might no longer be here.2.My medical bills and such are all covered.My health has improve greatly (which was the reason why at first i said couldnt work..trust my when I say i am far from entitled and I won't let being pregnant stop me from achieving my goals .I've been working since I was 16 so it kinda like a addiction to me now. I should have made that clear in my post and i do apologize .Also I have two job offers and I can't wait to start working again.) I am financial ok right now due to money I have saved up already and the support of my family.3.I was force to sit down with myself and have a little harsh reality check and i had to admit to my faults/short comings in the realtionship so I could move forward. If I didn't realize it then i do now... it is time for me to grow up stop whining and move on .I honestly can't believe I let an man bring me down so bad but men come and go and life is to short to worry about one.I want to be a positive role model for my child who has inspired a new sense of purpose in me.i was once told long ago i could not have kids but here i am with one..my blessing and greatest joy.It is time for me to rebuild the life which I had once foolishly given up for my ex.(my house,my stable job,small business) just to relocate and move in with him...wow what the hell was I thinking...dear lord never again. Never again will let a man measure my self worth or value. I might have forgotten it but now i know who I am. I will learn to love myself first and more before I look forward to dating again(which I have no interest in right now) only love I want to give greatly is to my child. I can't wait to rebuild my life back because now I can rebuild it back even better.I even already know the house I want to buy.4. I decided to futher my education some more even though I have a degree in business. I want to do something in the medical field not too big maybe go to a trade school or I could always become an real estate agent since I already pass the test long ago. Whichever decision I make I just want to create a better future for my child.5. I walk everyday to stay active with my sisters and I loving reading so I now have plenty of medical, self help,and baby books to read now and to prepare me to a better mom and woman. 6.I dug though some my old stuff at my mom's house and I found some old book ideas projects I was working on and I decide I wanted to write a book.(during my free time). I am little nervous because I not a writer but I hope it something I can learn to do. I also have taken up drawing again which my mom told me it was about time lol.7.As for my ex he refuse to talk to me (other than text) concerning our child. He told me to leave him in peace..which I have decide do.i have already talk to someone about legal advice. Who told me I could put him on child support but I think it's best to move on.. hopefully before the baby is born he will be mature enough and come talk...until then I'm just happy i found my peace of mind and smile again. Thank you all again for the support. Harsh or not I need to here it...and I'm glad I did. Sorry if there are any errors in my post..I still have a little sleep in my eyes.God bless you all.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2018):
For what it's worth, I think you should really consider Anon's advice. I didn't mention abortion because I don't know when it's "too late", but it's something to discuss with a doctor.
He's shown you can't rely on him. If you have the baby, then you need to get the law involved to get child support and give him a chance for visitation.
You are immature and entitled, as evidenced by your "I can't work; I'm 4 months pregnant" excuse.
If you don't have strong family support, you being a single mother isn't what's best for your unborn baby. Some parents can handle it on their own, but it's rare - most need major support because we burn out.
Consider an abortion and consider an adoption. Plenty of people are waiting to adopt babies and they work, are prepared, are mature, have support, etc. I fear that both you and your unborn baby would be irreparably damaged by you parenting solo. You truly don't seem remotely ready or stable enough to parent, right now - especially on your own.
I'd love to say a baby should always stay with their birth parents, but it's not always what's best for them. I'm sorry, but you don't seem to be what's best for a baby, right now.
If you have an abortion before it turns from foetus to baby, you've saved a new baby from the mess you're in and the almost certain mess you'll continue to be in for the next 18+ years because of the recklessness you and this man displayed.
If you can't have an abortion, please seriously discuss adoption with an adoption-friendly therapist. Adoption isn't easy, but it's better for a child to grow up in a loving family, where their needs can be met and they can be in a safe environment, than an unpredictable one with two parents who don't have the motivation or ambition to create a responsible life for themselves, let alone a baby.
You can change someday, OP, but you're whole post is selfish. Parents can't be selfish. They can't be focused on what went wrong; they need to be focused on how to make things better for the future (not with this guy). You aren't. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but be honest with yourself; you aren't mature or responsible for yourself, so how will you b that for a baby in 5 months, as a single mother?
We can't tell you what to do, but you need to forget this guy for now, speak to a doctor about abortion (unless you're completely against it) and discuss adoption with a therapist. Don't keep this baby just because. Don't keep this baby hoping to get the guy back. Don't keep this baby because you'll love it. Love isn't enough. They need 24/7 care for months - years, even. Can you genuinely provide that, at this point in your life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): It is not too late for you to have an abortion. You do NOT seem ready at all to have a child. I say this because you seem to lack foresight and insight into the bigger implications / bigger picture / future in connection with your own actions.You also seem to have extremely low self value and a huge amount of naivety. You have given yourself quite recklessly to this idiot of a 'man' who will never, not in a million years, be able to look after you or your child. The others keep going on about child support but, as a single mother myself, I know for sure how easy it is for fathers to avoid paying any maintenance at all - I've never had any maintenance from my ex husband and, although on paper I've done well, I know I have nearly killed myself and made myself very ill trying to 'fight back' and insist on a life for my daughter and myself - I've had no family support either and, to be frank, if you are in this mess then I don't think you have the right kind of family support in place, otherwise you would have known already not to let anyone treat you this way.I have a PhD, I'm a lecturer, I own my own home outright. HOWEVER, I constantly feel like a failure, my daughter had to move to another city because she can't afford to live where I live, I was not eligible for assisted housing because I always chose to work, I'm looked down upon in academic circles because I'm only an Associate Lecturer on yearly contracts and not a "proper" lecturer and even though I've worked to Director level in other jobs before getting into lecturing, this is not recognised at all in the academic world. I have very few friends because when my daughter was at school I was always working and couldn't meet up with others mothers, I was abused psychologically by my only partner after divorcing my husband (who I married when I was 18 and not because I was pregnant). I totally lacked any self esteem to go out and find a better man because single parents were regarded as scum when I was a young mum. Paying to put myself and my daughter through university was hard and although I could give huge amounts of support to my academic friends and colleagues, when it came to them trying to understand my previous years as a single mum there was just a blank. Instead, because I look younger than my age, I had younger men realising I own my own home and trying to get in with me thinking they would be looked after, when all I really need is someone to look out for me for once. I will never inherit anything and my family have never helped me - they treated me like dirt and that's how I ended up marrying very young to an unemployed man and divorcing in my early 20s. I KNOW that my career would have been way beyond what it is now had I not been a single mum and I know it has almost killed me trying to get to where I am, with very little sense of reward at all. I am constantly looked down upon by colleagues of my age who don't have children and have absolutely NO idea what is involved in being a single mum. Each year my hours at work get reduced and, although I bought my own home years ago, I have to pay huge fees to a leasehold management company who do nothing for the money. All of this would have been prevented if either my ex husband, or my family or the government has helped - assisted housing would have made a massive difference to my life and for my daughter and the hard thing to swallow is that almost everyone assumes we must have had assisted housing when we didn't. I love my daughter, and that's what helps it - sometimes - to all seem worthwhile. But I know I am the strongest person I have ever met and I can tell you it is really, really lonely being me. I look at your situation and I am honestly not sure at all that you are going to be strong enough to pull through. I absolutely do NOT mean I am better or stronger than you or vice versa. What I mean is that I had to learn from a very young age to be strong and smart and to work hard, and that no-one would help me - that's all. You probably got different messages, but don't count on others helping you.For your unborn child's sake, I am saying re-consider. It is not too late to think about what quality of life you would be giving them and it is VERY telling that you do not seem to be considering this at all. You are acting like a bewildered child and I honestly think that's the state of mind you are still in. The time may not be right for you yet.If you have a termination, you can go back to college, educate yourself and get some counselling to get you on the right footing for the rest of your life. My daughter is damaged, despite my every best effort for her not to be - she is doing well but it was a really, really close call because it was so hard and it has left her with damage that I am still trying to work to undo. I am not saying single motherhood is wrong at all - you can have all the love and all the best intentions in the world but if you are used to letting people treat you like dirt - like I was - it won't matter how hard you work, you will no come out winning financially or in terms of quality of life. You will, if you are lucky like I was, get the love of your child and, hopefully, that will last into adulthood - but there is no guarantee. I am saying that the support mechanisms are NOT in place in society and sometimes are not there within a family either - I wish there were more women fighting to change this at a political level but there aren't and you have to consider whether you are willing to sacrifice your child's quality of life until we have more leading single mum's speaking up defending our right to be treated fairly by employers and governments and so on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2018):
OP,
I just want to point out when you go to the Child Support Agency (to file for child support when the baby is born) THEY will contact him, HE will be the one PAYING for the DNA test. He is the one who wants the test done. (though I DO think in cases where the parents aren't together or married, or there is doubt of paternity a DNA test is ALWAYS a good idea for the sake of the child).
THEY will set up the testing as well, for him and your child. And no, you don't have to see him for that.
Look up Child Support Agency for your state/Area.
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A
female
reader, Bazil  +, writes (18 July 2018):
Oh honey be grateful he is now someone else problem to deal with. The writing is on the wall as to what type of future you would have had to endure from both him and his nut job family. You may not yet be able to see the forrest through the trees but in time you will realise you dodged a bullet with this loser. Its only natural to be feeling blue and alone so my advice would be to rally round all that are important and supportive of you. You have to really try and stay focused on keeping healthy for the sake of your new bundle of joy, and yourself, once he or she arrives. Being a single parent is a tough gig sometimes but equally rewarding as it can be a challenge. Hopefully his disposable attitude will be a god sent in regards to not wanting to stand up and be responsible, if he cant or wont it is much easier to do things without being hassled and having to be answerable to his stupidity. I would get the DNA test done to support your efforts to get financial assistance for the life he helped create. Find yourself a good family lawyer, or community one if you are financially struggling, and deal with him through them and them to him. Always be fair and reasonable when it comes to him having a say on how he would like to be involved in the childs' life, if at all, that much he has a right as does your child. They are two separate relationships and issues. Wishing you all the best
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 July 2018):
OP, please bear with this; it's important....GROW UP. Being four months pregnant doesn't mean you shouldn't work. You should absolutely work. Get a job immediately and work until you are close to giving birth, unless a doctor says sooner. Most pregnant women work and you should too - especially as you risked this with a man you barely knew and will now be a single mother. You are 26 - 29, not 16 - 19.I'm sorry it didn't work out, but you're lucky it didn't because he's irresponsible and unreliable - which is also how you are, but you'll need to change that for the baby's sake.You will be tethered to this man for the rest of your child's life, so do get child support - you'll need it. Get a lawyer involved to draw up the child payments and visitation rights. Do not let this man get off without helping, as your child will suffer for it.It's time to start thinking like a mother:- move in with family, if you aren't already- get a job immediately and start saving up (how else will you pay for this baby?!)- find a support group for single mothers in your are and join it- look for decent quality secondhand baby items like cribs, strollers, toys, clothes, etc. and disinfect them- borrow some baby books from a library- see a doctor about vitamins and baby's healthTime to become mature, OP. This man is not your main focus now. You and this man-child were reckless and now you're pregnant, when you shouldn't be. It's going to be tough, but you need to get on with it and get a job - no excuses.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (18 July 2018):
 It sounds like the two of you didn't know each other very well, you got pregnant very early in the relationship it added stress, and he is a grown man who acts like a child and lets his mother and sister tell him what to do, and he's lazy.
Focus on now and your future. Your family cares about you and you have a place to stay so that is definitely a plus. Take care of yourself and the soon to be newborn. Things didn't work out but sweetie, it truly doesn't sound like you lost much. The guy sounds like a loser. I got married at 19 in a situation just like yours, divorced at 21. I made it just fine. I had family that loved me and my daughter that were there for me. Its ok to lean on your family but don't be a burden ok? You can get a job, help out pull your weight. I worked, put myself through college. It isn't easy, but you can do it. My daughter is now finishing up her doctorate to be a psychologist. She did just fine and you and your child will too. Think of all the trouble that could have happened down the road if you had stayed with this man. He isn't worth the drama.
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A
female
reader, Trinibabygirl88  +, writes (17 July 2018):
"Now I am sitting here alone and pregnant and is wondering what went wrong." I am sorry to hear about the position that you are in. It is really hard to be pregnant and do not have the emotional and mental support that you need. I do hope you have the financial support since you are not working. I had a co-worker who was in a similar position as you...alone and pregnant. Providing for her baby what she needs was her top priority. There were times when it was so overwhelming, she cried. But now she is very much happy and in love with that little person she carried for 9 months. Whilst all of this may seem hard, it can make you stronger. And as someone said, you are pregnant and not paralyzed, so yes, look for a job. Your son/daughter is depending on you to be strong for him/her. I worked throughout the pregnancy of two of my children...I had one of my sons on a Tuesday and my last work day was the Friday before. So you can do it. Be strong and if you can, find yourself surrounded with people who with help you hold your head up.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 July 2018):
 Do you seriously not understand what went wrong?
You were in a relationship with this guy for a matter of weeks before getting pregnant. You already knew he was not good long-term partner material as he cannot hold down a job for any length of time. It sounds like YOU don't work either (and by the way, pregnancy is not a disability so you ARE capable of working; women do it all the time). You didn't get on with his family and argued with him about them. Despite all this you thought it would be a good idea to add a baby into the mix. On what planet did you envisage this working?
I would imagine his family think you got pregnant so you didn't have to go out to work, hence calling you lazy.
He has told you he is no longer interested in a relationship with you, and who can really blame him, given the tension that surrounded your relationship. He is, however, the father of your child so you will probably never completely break away from him (unless he decides to walk away from his responsibilities to the child, which sounds like a distinct possibility, given his attitude to everything else in life).
P.S. The "bowel" in the sink did make me smile. I think you meant "bowl" - or at least I hope you did!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 July 2018):
Honestly, with THIS amount of drama wouldn't it be BETTER for you and the baby to NOT be around him and his family?
Cut him off. Get a job (and yes, even if you are 4 months pregnant you can still work, you are pregnant not paralyzed).
Look into section 8 housing (perhaps) so you have a roof over your and your baby's head. And once the baby is there you apply for CHILD SUPPORT from him. Sure, he can ask for a DNA test (and I think you should do that any ways ans your KID deserves to know down the line where she/he is from - both emotionally, culturally and medically.)
But really, what went wrong, you ask?
Well, for started you dated a man-child of 39, who can't keep a job, who'd mom and sister were abusive towards you and he had as much spine as a wet noodle. Plus... you got pregnant with said man-child. And then you STAYED with him after you saw what a loser he is and how his family treats you.
^^^^ that is what went wrong.
You settled for a loser and now you are in a sort of mess.
Doesn't mean you HAVE to stay in that mess. MAKE something of yourself. Look into taking some classes or even look into trade school. Be SELF-SUFFICIENT. And next time you meet a guy, get to know him before sex and DEFINITELY always use protection. If his family creates drama and make you feel unwelcome then MAYBE he isn't for you. And someone who had 4 jobs in 6 months... not exactly father material.
You have a new little life to focus on and do your best for. Be the best YOU, you can be. For you and for the little one.
Sounds like you are BY FAR better off without him and his ilk.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 July 2018):
What went wrong is you both barely know each other! You dated for six months and you are four months pregnant, that is not enough time to get to know each other and figure out if use have a connection or not. The way his mother spoke to you is wrong, if she has an illness then I would maybe try and see past that. It does sound like you acted childish sitting in the car and not going in to try and sort things out. If you wanted a long term relationship with this guy then you should have made more off an effort to get on with his family. Either way it sounds like he did not treat you well at all. It is clear he doesn't have feelings for you and its just a shame that a baby is not going to be born in to the middle of this. From reading your post I would say you are better much without him, he did not treat you well, he did not trust you and it is highly possible he was already seeing this girl before you both broke up. If he was cheating that would make him paranoid and accuse you off doing it. I understand you are in a tough position now as you are left pregnant, but the only advice I can give you is to care for your baby and move on from him. Ensure you get him to pay for the child and also just because it didn't work out with you both don't use the child against him, he may turn out to be a great dad.
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