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I'm pressured to get married how can I cope?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, *each1908 writes:

Is it too late to have kids in your 40"s . I am 31 and single and not dating - I have chased men for the last decade and have only LAnded on abusive men. I don't know why family puts pressure on me to get married and do things by the book but they are miserable and compete with each other . My mom and dad hate each other (yet their still married) . I woke up this morning and. My mother gave me this look when my cousin announced her second pregnancy like ur not even dating when is this getting started. Is it wrong not to date? I would love to be married but I didn't want to be unhappy- I find hat the more I chase it the more I get disappointed so I just stopped. It's been a year and a half since my last relationship and I am lonely but my therapist said don't push it - what's meant for u will come. How can I believe this? I have my familu that throws theses jabs like cocaine to an addict that's recovering - how can I move past their stupid comments - it aggravates me because they don't care how I feel - they never have as long as I follow their messed up lifestyles of get educated get a job get married have kids the end (don't get divorced)

1. Can I have kids later on in life even though I'm 31

2 . Will what's meant for me come if I'm patient and work on myself?

I'm trying to work on myself and For the first time in my life I'm trying not to chase men but apperantly someone has a timer on me

Should I wait and work on my self even though I'm 31

Help - please be kind as I've already tried the online dating - the every bar - the being a doormat - the basically everything exterior but nothing interior

View related questions: cousin, divorce

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAre you still living at home with your parents? If you are then I suggest that you move in to your own place and have your own freedom, nobody needs that negativity around them all the time. As for wanting to get married, you still have plenty off time you are still in your prime. Don't go down the same root as your parents and just settle, I believe you should marry for love not just because society tells you to. Be strong and brave and independent, get your own accommodation, live your own life and be happy. When you are happy being alone then you never know who you will meet. I believe the more you look for a partner the more you will fail. Concentrate on having a happy single life for now.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (9 October 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you need to focus on yourself first. It's clear from your post that you're not yet ready to be a wife or mother. You need to be stable within yourself, as a single woman, then allow things to progress.

If you put deadlines on yourself, you'll panic (as you are currently doing) and waste time. You spent the last decade chasing men because you were desperate, so don't make the same mistake now.

Pace yourself. Do things that make you happy with your life as it is, *then* start dating. Don't date anyone until being single no longer bothers you.

You may meet a great guy in 2 years, get married at 36 and have twins at 38. You never know how life will turn out, but don't rush into it because that leads to dodgy situations.

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands +, writes (9 October 2017):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntI know it's easier said than done but take a deep breath and keep working on yourself. 31 is not too old at all! Enjoy your life as it comes and pay no mind to bitter people who really no business pressuring you. And anyway, are you just a breeding cow? Is there nothing else to you than popping out children? I hate the attitude that a woman's worth is linked to her childbearing and husband-finding.

I am 25 going on 26 and my cousins (younger than me) have all married and love to remind me that I'm the eldest and not even engaged yet. I laugh it off and tell them that I have no interests in a husband and would rather focus on my dream of collecting 52 cats and of course, my prostitution career. They usually shut up after that.

My parents were divorced and so were my grandparents. Both of these marriages were made in a rush and ended badly. My generation is still suffering from these divorces believe it or not.

I don't want that for myself. I don't want to settle for a partner just because it's about time. I want my kids to have a wonderful father. I'm happy with my current boyfriend and getting to know him is more important to me than forcing matrimony on us both.

My advice to you: Keep doing what you're doing. When I was single, I found myself looking up events that interested me and taking fun classes like cooking or wine tasting. I actually met my current partner at this event taking place in Barnes & Noble. I think when you're not actively chasing something, it is more willing and able to come to you. Don't listen to them. Do things at your own pace and you'll see that you'll be happier in the long run because of it.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (9 October 2017):

holeymoley agony auntYou do what is right for you, and thats OK! Having bad relationships take their toll so I think it is so very important to have the most important relationships now you can and that is with yourself. Both OK and WISE.Assholes can smell vulnerability a mile away just like sharks do blood in water. Giving yourself time to find and develop personal growth should also help you become confident in knowing who you are and what you want in relationships and from a partner. You are still so very young, sorry to come off patronising, but if I could take myself back to 31, I'm 46, and work on myself, be a little healthy selfish, I'd chop my left arm off to have that opportunity again. If being temporary single makes you happy then so be it. You should not feel obligated to dance to the beat of somebody else drum.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017):

31 is not too late to have kids. My wife and I were both 31 when we married. We have had 3 kids since and if we hadnt used birth control we could have had many more. You are now in ideal age to get married. In my opinion you have become wary of marriage because you see your parents unhappy with each other. Also as you get older you become more choosie regarding partners. My advice go out where you can meet others, join clubs and societies. You still have time.

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