A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have had a lot of troubles in the bedroom with my boyfriend. It has been going on for a few months.When i decided to go off the pill, because it was affecting me negatively emotionally and healthwise.. and it also took away all urges to even have sex. i tried several different pills and nothing worked. Once I determied that hormonally altering my body wasn't going to work. We started using condoms after this, and thats when everything started going down hill. I am allergic to latex so we have to use the lambskin ones, and I couldn't bear the smell of them after a while. I also found that coming off the pill, I was having trouble regaining my sexual appetite. So maybe it was my fault, but this is also when he started not being able to finish during sex.I have always been left satisfied, always multiple times during sex, and still am. but to this day (6 months after quitting the pill) I cannot recall one time where he has been able to come from penetration, my hand, or my mouth. I think some say it may be an addiction to porn or just masturbating. This is where it gets even more complicated.We have discussed porn, i have even found him watching porn a year or so ago, and i got very upset. It is something I am morally against, the industry in general, and I told him that, and he agreed. I am not saying all men are terrible if they look at porn...but if they want to be with me, I would like them to see thngs the same way as me. so i thought that wouldnt be a problem.I have talked to him about a problem with manually taking care of himself too much, and we both know it exists. He has been "working on it" for the past 3 months. He is no longer able to blame my lack of hunger for sex, because I am back to normal, but he will pull that card sometimes still. I have been trying so hard to pleasure him, everything i can think of, but nothing seems to go the distance. I have even started to try new, different, exciting things and it still isn't enough. He goes and goes for a long time and then just rolls off of me and gives up. I get off every time and I feel awful, inadequate, unattractive, terrible, useless, and not good enough because he hasn't in so long. Lately he has been begging me for anal (again) during sex. He used to do this when we first got together, but I have tried on several occasions, and the last time we tried I was in writhing pain and ended up puking and unable to get out of bed for days. He is making me feel like this is the only thing that would work to get him off and I think he is doing this on purpose. I just can't do it, never wanted to and tried for him, and confirmed my beliefs. He also obsesses over my past relationships sexually, and brings them up very often, he was a virgin when we got together but lied to me about it so i thought he wasn't either going into the relationship... Us being close friends before we dated, he knew all about my escapades..Should i just face the music and accept that he just isn't attracted to me or what? I don't now what to do anymore. It seems that it is the root to all the other issues that have started coming about lately. I just don't know how to please him. I am willing to try anything but anal. I have been working on my figure I have been trying to have sex with him about every night. He denies me most, and ends up angry and turns away from me after every attempt we make because he cannot come. What is going on? what should i be asking him? clearly i cannot get through to him and I do not know how to.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 December 2011):
 "He is making me feel like this is the only thing that would work to get him off and I think he is doing this on purpose. I just can't do it, never wanted to and tried for him, and confirmed my beliefs."
"He also obsesses over my past relationships sexually, and brings them up very often, he was a virgin when we got together but lied to me about it so i thought he wasn't either going into the relationship."
So he has a couple of issues and you have a couple of issues. Can you have a frank, open. honest and still loving discussion about the issue?
'Sweetheart, your sexual satisfaction is very important to me and I'm feeling as though what I'm doing, what we are doing, isn't working for you. I know we've talked about anal sex, that for me isn't an option as it leaves me in pain and causes nausea, it's a health hazard for me, basically.
'I understand you have some retrograde jealousy for my previous partners, I am sorry that is troubling you, do you think we can work on this together as a couple?'
I think based on all your issues, you need some guided couples counseling, I'm not qualified for that.
Bottom line is, can you talk to him about this or not?
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (14 December 2011):
As everyone has pointed out you do have issues in the sex department. Before you give up on the relationship how are the other aspects? Is he a good friend and companion?When it comes to sex problems seem to snowball. I know from previous girlfriends about the libido loss when on the pill, but your latex allergy is a big issue that will stress him, both from the pregnancy risk and the lambskin. . . Yikes, maybe its not as bad as it sounds but the thought turns me off! I do have an issue with the anal sex demand. If he really means it then he has lost all consideration for you, but to give him the benefit of the doubt he may be saying that as he knows you won't consent and thereby passing the reason he can't orgasm over to you. I think most of the other factors are secondary, his use of porn to masterbate is pretty normal, he only needs one days break to be able to perform for you. Your sexual past may not be a direct issue but when combined with his other problems may just be too much. You were not smart or sensitive to tell him, but you can't change that. If you are still in love, and it sounds like you are, try having a break from intercourse. Get him to agree that you have 3 months where you only kiss and touch (and lick and suck!), he has to agree not to use porn and to come to you when he feels the need! Hopefully your problems solve themselves before 3 months. Maybe investigate other birth control possibilities? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 December 2011):
 There is so much going on, that's it's hard to see how you can fix things to create a healthy and loving relationship.1. He has retroactive jealousy which can lower sex drive, cause resentments, have men withholding orgasm's (power plays) and create obsessions for more kinky and extreme sex (he wants to prove he's the best lover ever, and want's proof of your love)2. He makes you feel useless due to his inadequacy, which is basically his problem and is not caused by you.4. He has had depression - Depression often isn't cured, but goes into remission. When things are good and comes back again when things are bad - hidden depression (atypical) can manifest and show itself in a loss of libido. The treatments to cause depression can also lower sex drive or make orgasms difficult.5. He harasses you for anal sex, even though he knows it makes you physically sick, and leaves you vomiting and in pain.6. He is a porn user, when you have stated that you want a porn free-relationship.7. As a single unattached male virgin, he may have overused or abused pornography/masturbation and therefore finds it difficult to come through vaginal penetrative sex.8. You both have had problems with low sex drive in the past.. that can cause feelings of rejection, and create habits that are difficult to break. (masturbation and porn rather than bothering your partner)Any one reason would be enough for most women to leave, but you've got so many problems in this relationship that I believe is toxic and doing neither of you any good. This situation doesn't sound healthy, for you or for him. There may be other reasons why you stay together, maybe he is funny, or treats you nice or spends money on you and helps around the house. If it's love and he makes you feel good in lots of other ways, I can only suggest couple counselling, because I can't think of anyway for you to sort this out yourselves. Dear Cupid doesn't provide enough space to tackle your question and all it's issues properly.Personally, unless he's great at everything else and he's the best boyfriend on earth, I would leave, because I don't things will get any better, they will only get worse. Maybe you could talk to him about the problems I've highlighted from your post. He needs to identify what particular thing is causing him the most problems.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (13 December 2011):
 When you lost your sexual appetite, he probably started watching porn a lot because he didn't want to pressure you into sex when you didn't want to. This may well have led to sex addiction.
Now when you have sex, he is probably incredibly anxious as he knows he won't finish, he feels guilty about the porn, and is embarrassed and uncomfortable witht he fact that you had a lot more experience that him. With all this going through his mind, no wonder he can't finish!
You should make the goal of sex to relax and enjoy what you're getting, rather than setting the goal of finishing, because then there is pressure to get there. Just let him take it as it comes, relax more, and not worry about all the things that he does. Tell him he has no need to feel guilty or embarrassed about being less experienced - if you're having multiple orgasms then he is clearly good in bed! Remind him that. Reward him with affection when you're not in the bedroom. In time, as he relaxes more, then he will be able to finish again. You don't need to feel guilty as it's nobody's fault - it's just an unfortunate situation.
If things still aren't working out, see a sex therapist. He could also go for an STI check, but I think the problems are mental rather than physical.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): perhaps i left out an important part -- in the beginning of our relationship we were having issues with sex as he was coming off of depression medications, and we were unable to be fully intimate (it messes with libido)
I supported him at this time, so his time without sex when i was recovering from my damaged libido myself, i didnt catch him watching porn. and i knew he wasn't watching it. we were very pen, and i did pleasure him/help him get off, i just couldnt participate with my own body, it was numbed. while this may have made him feel insufficient he knew what the issue is. he has made sure to tell me over and over that it isnt my fault, that he is very much atttracted to me still etc. and i believe him. i am not looking for reason to leave him. i am trying to figure out how to approach it. I think he knows that i will nt in fact engage in anal sex, but he brings it up in heated moments, he is thinking about it, it turns him on, i get that. just how do i help him get off, that is my concern here!
thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Unable to 'get off' most likely a few issues1) Pregnancy. You are not using pill, have an allergy to latex, don't like the smell of lambskin. I think the complication of all of that; would effect a mans lets have fun spur of the moment as its not spur of the moment and may result in an unplanned pregnancy.2) There are unresolved resentments and issues that are still not addressed and should be with a counsellor as when it gets to the level you are describing; its time to call in professional help with learning how to communicate and validate skills as well as problem solving skills.3) Porn. Its hard to give up for some men but also, when there wasn't sex going on, BF was neglected and relied on porn to aid him in getting off. With this, most likely went back to the self gratification which is easier and really, I'm not a porn person myself but could see how he could turn to porn. Instant gratification, no stress or worry about sex. No having to deal with GF vomitting and feeling bad over it.Overall it sounds like a very UNHEALTHY, UNREALISTIC Relationship for you both as your are both INCOMPATIBLE on so many fronts.But first, try the counselling.;)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 December 2011):
I'd break up with him. Just based on the demands for sex acts that leave you puking, in pain and miserable. Enough is enough, isn't it? Unless you are willing to go to couples counseling and possibly a sex therapist, I don't see much future in this relationship, sorry.
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