A
female
age
16-17,
hot4teacher
writes:Well, I know this is a very redundant topic on here, and I've read a bunch of questions and answers. But the thing is that most that I would like to reply to have been closed. So I finally decided to post my own, as no one question/story is quite exactly like mine. First of all I am a 17 year old female and have been struggling with my sexual identity for quite some time now... I have finally come to terms with myself and for the time being I refer to myself as a lesbian. I used to like to think I was merely bi-sexual, but the truth of the matter is... I'm not. Anyways to the "problem" so to say.I have had the same teacher all throughout high school now (I am a junior now) and at first it seemed like I just looked up to her (yes, the teacher is female, of course). I liked to think that I only looked up to her, but really everyday I found myself studying her more and more, trying to convince myself that I wasn't doing what I was actually doing. But I was. I was checking my teacher out. Everyday she got more and more beautiful to me. I soon found myself hanging on her every word. I can still remember exact things she has said from my freshman year of high school. To me, she is amazing. Beautiful, smart, intelligent (yes, there is a difference to me) etc. etc. I tried to tell myself that I was pretty weird for thinking such things about her, trying to rationalize in my head why I was thinking these things... Trying to tell myself that she wasn't good looking, when I truthfully thought she was the most beautiful person to walk this earth. I soon became infatuated I guess you could call it. Some may call it obsessed... Hell, I call it obsessed. I can't stop talking about her, ever. It's sickens me sometimes but I cannot stop myself. She makes me so happy, and I never want to leave her class, I never want to leave her side. I even got her a Christmas gift which at the time was just a Starbucks gift card, but none the less she was very surprised and thought it was really nice of me. Later that year when she left for her maternity leave I got her yet another gift, I got her a coach key chain, the kind you can put pictures in... This time i spent almost 70 dollars, but to me it didn't matter. I remember her last day. I'm not sure how long I cried but I remembered walking past her room and thinking, this may be the last time I see you. For all I knew she might decide not to come back. She ended up sending me another thank you card (I got one for Christmas too) for the letter and gift I gave her... I still have them to this day, along with other things from her, I know it sounds kind of weird but... I don't know how to explain it. I soon became very interested as to where she lived (this is where it gets bad). The temp we had instead of her had an idea, that we send her cards when she had the baby, when that time came around the temp left the envelope on the desk... with her address on it. It scared me that I was acting so weird but, I looked to get her address and when I did, it got even weirder. She ended up living two streets over from my aunt in a town about 15 miles from our school. What are the chances? I know. I was ecstatic. Needless to say over the summer and while she was gone I did much more investigating about her. I even scared myself, I ended up finding her phone number online, although I never had the guts so call her, I rejoiced in just having it. I now felt as though we were somehow closer. I guess that's kind of weird. When Sophomore year came around I ended up having her twice a day. Boy, can I tell you, I was the happiest kid in that school. I think I may have literally ran down the halls screaming when I got my schedule... Anyways, we soon became quite friendly. And I loved this. I loved talking to her in-between classes, after school, before school. She gave me a sense of comfort that I have never had with anyone else. Needless to say I fell even more in love with her than I already was. She would tell me about her new baby girl and talk about her family, sometimes her husband *sigh* none the less I adored the personal talks with her. I stayed after school frequently and found more and more reasons to come before school, I had her for both Spanish and Italian class and in my Italian class they were all a year younger than me leaving me to not know many people, which caused her to show a little extra attention towards me and act friendly towards me in class. Which, let me tell you, I loved. Throughout the year I found out more and more about her, more about her family, her home life. I soon found myself recording her in class so that I could just listen to her voice later. I know this is freaky. But I really have to get this out, even if you all think it is awfully weird. I found myself getting severely depressed over the matter. I was completely and utterly in love with her. I loved everything about her. I got straight A+'s in both classes, of course. I am a good student anyway but, loving her like I did made me go the extra mile. Or two. I found myself doing even creepier things, like walking by where I knew she was in school, like if she had hall duty or something to that extent I would walk by. Say hi to her. So on. I even started walking home a different way so that I could walk out the back of the building through the faculty lot with her. I remember this one day, one of the days I actually had a ride, I had no jacket on and it was pretty cold out and I heard her yelling from somewhere "Where's your jacket?! Are you crazy?!" In Italian. She pulled up next to me and offered me a ride home. I unfortunately had to decline. My father was two spaces over. She asked me if I was sure and that she didn't want me walking in the cold, I told her my dad was right there and she made sure he was before she left with a toot of her horn a cute wave. I proceeded to tell my father that he had ruined my life. Hahaha. To me at least. She seriously is the cutest thing ever to me. Throughout the year my feeling for her just grew stronger and stronger. She made her way into the lyrics of every song I listened to, everything I looked at I could relate to her. She was always on my mind; and always in my dreams. I always knew there would never be a relationship. Quite obviously. She had a daughter and a husband. And not to mention was old Enough to be my mother 38 my freshman year, 39 my sophomore year, and now 40. Yes, I know her birthday too. I sort of found her classmates profile online. As well as some other things. Along with her personal e-mail. But I would never be the type to abuse my power of knowing it. I would never e-mail her. Never give it away. To anyone. I respect her privacy and always feel so guilty for invading it like I did. But it was like I could not control myself. It scares me how much I know about her. I know where a lot of her relatives live, and where her husband works. Most thanks to her. But some I found out on my own accord. My sophomore year she found out where my aunt lived through a paper I wrote and told me that that is where she lived. It was quite funny how much we had in common. It was even funnier when i was in the waiting room to my pediatrician one day and saw her Christmas card up on the wall. I ended up telling her the next day, we got quite a laugh out of it. Seen as thought it yet again is in a completely different town than either of us live in. She probably now was starting to think it was a bit weird, but seriously THAT was just a pure coincidence, or luck (for me).I yet again got her Christmas gifts this year, an imported soap and sea salt set from Spain and a Spain calendar. Those soaps were pretty expensive too, I had them shipped from Spain to here (She was my Spanish and Italian teacher; still is my Italian teacher). Again accompanied with a letter. The letter was along the same lines as before telling her how much I valued her teaching and what an amazing teacher she was. I even want to be a foreign language teacher, but I always have wanted to. Hence the taking two languages. Still throughout the rest of this year I continued to fall harder and harder for her. My family began to find out I guess. I even went to see her house. I guess it's a little creepy when you read it, but how I feel... I just can't explain. By the end of the year I somehow found myself in yet again the same place, only worse. Now here I am junior year completely in love with this woman. And I can never tell her. I would never have the courage. This year I sent her flowers on Valentine's day, I mean yeah... school carnations. But, to me it was something, just to see her smile when she got them, even if she didn't know it was me. Also this year, I had to have a meeting with her and my counselor. She seemed to think that I was talking about her personal information with people, and thought there were too many coincidences between us. Which I admit is true, but this quite literally crushed me. I cried for the whole weekend, I mean it basically came out as, I think you're stalking me. I mean I guess if another person looks at it, it might look that way, but I don't mean it to be. I don't know what to do anymore. I went and talked with her, ended up crying, and she apologized and said that she didn't mean it that way. Even though it was supposedly "straightened out" I always somehow find a way to get myself down about it. Thinking OMG, She knows! It still brings me to tears. I guess I just don't know where to go from here. Or what to do, how to let go. If I can let go. I know this isn't normal, and I'm really not quite sure what I'm looking for here, but I really wanted to get this out. Maybe find some people who like me have a problem like this, maybe share some thoughts. I really don't know. And before you tell me, I know. It's unhealthy.
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christmas, crush, depressed, flowers, lesbian, my teacher, stalking Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xLovex  +, writes (23 August 2008):
I advise you read this:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/love-your-teacher.html
xxxx
A
female
reader, Alexexexex +, writes (20 August 2008):
I know how you feel. i know exactly how you feel. i'm not quite as far down the line as you are, but the earlier points you make completely mirror mine. I haven't known my teacher as long as you and have no where near as good a relationship as you with yours. but i understand how you're feeling. My crush hasn't got children but she married recently. it broke my heart. it's the most awful feeling in the world isn't it? and the emotions you feel are so strong, but no one else understands just how deeply in love you are. I have a playlist on my ipod with songs that sum up how i feel about her, i know her birthday, i have memorised her liscence plate on her car, I work out where in the school she is so i can 'accidentally' bump into her. but i'v always felt hated by her. i seem to try so hard in her lessons to be normal that i just make a complete embarassment of myself. the good news is I'm going on a school trip to scotland with her soon and ten others for a weekend. just the chance i need to get to know her!the idea of recording her voice, i must say, is genius. because i have this constant niggle at the back of my mind reminding me how little time i have left with her. - only two terms. so to have her voice there, recorded, is a reminder always of her.Dont think you're unusual. i dont know what im going to do so i cant say whether you should tell her or not but goodluck. if she freaks, at least she knows. i think perhaps that's better than never knowing how she felt about you.
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A
female
reader, demolition-lovers +, writes (8 August 2008):
 I feel the same way as you...i was obsessed with my teacher and was in love with aswell...But she left a year ago that even hurts more...I still think of her everyday..and its killing me painfully. :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): wow, I've read loads of stories like this before, but this I can really relate to. I could have written that! But you say Italian, I say French. You say Spannish, I say German. You say 40, I say 50. You say Lesbian, I say Bi. You say Husband and Baby Girl, I say Husband and daughter 4 moths younger than me.
It is such a relief to read a story so similar. I don't know my teacher's exact adress but I know she lives round the corner from a friend, I'm so jealous. She said the teacher jogs infront of her house, and my friend was riding her horse past the teachers house and saw her in her underwear. I looked at my friends adress on google maps, and recognised her house by her car, which Is the first thing I look at when I arrive at school. When it's not there I feel a little crushed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. I can totally relate to what you have written (and I think you're very brave by the way) and how painful it is when you care about someone who is so out of reach. I really hope you find the peace that you deserve and that your teacher understands that you weren't stalking her.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, lil_lezza +, writes (2 April 2008):
 This is so weird i thought i was the only person that had those sort of feelings. Im 18 and my girlfriends 40, things used to be amazing but since ive moved out and got a job travelling its all gone wrong. My girlfriend treats me so kind and shes so loving and perfect, im so scared shell leave me for someone else. I am completely and utterly in love with her. I get to see her one day a week, which is really hard for me. All the time im away from her im totally depressed and i cant get her out of my head. I keep ringing her and when we put the phone down i ring back just to hear her voice. I know what im doing is wrong and obsessive, but i cant help it i miss her so much. its really stressing her out though and now shes starting to think im too young for her, i know i have to stop but its so hard and i dont know how.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Hi, i was just reading your question, and i am in such a similar situation to you, except that i'm not gay: i'm sort of obsessed with my teacher, i wait around in the morings to watch his car drive into school, and then watch him walk to the staffroom, i even used to wait before school to watch which roads he came out of, and each morning i would wait a little further away from school until i finally found out his address - that was like in december but i havent been there once because i just hate to admit to myself that i've technically stalked him, but just knowing where he lives is like a comfort to me. i dont think he knows, and i dont "stalk" at all anymore becuase i just hated the guity feeling i got (and of course worrying that he would find out) but i am still 100% in love (or infatuated.. whatever you call it, it feels like love) and i am actaully planning on speaking to a councellor person at school tomorrow because i am so sick of feeling miserable and lovesick all the time. so you're definitely not alone in how you feel.
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A
female
reader, hot4teacher +, writes (22 March 2008):
hot4teacher is verified as being by the original poster of the question You have no idea how good that made me feel to know that somebody feels the same way as me. I would love to talk to you more about it... But you answered as anonymous! If you read this again, or stumble upon it again please take the time to either message me on here (if you have an account) or you can e-mail me if you would like. [personal information deleted by moderator.] I really hope to talk to you soon. I have never really met/talked with a person who felt so exactly like me, EVERYTHING you said I can completely relate to! EXACTLY.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): btw can i just quickly add some of the people who have answered your question have made me feel so much better also and i completely agree with some of the things they say. (((Also i forgot to say if she like touches my pencilcase or pen or something i will hold it for ages and keep lookin at it because i know her dna is on it and shes touched it lol, and i once borrowed her bottle to fill up with water in school b/c i felt sick and she let me keep her bottle lol it was just an evian water bottle but this was months ago now and i have never chucked the bottle away either as it was in her bag etc and she touched/drunk from it aswell as me lol. n i always do my hw for her first lol i prioritize her stuff lol sorry theres loads more i couldwrite but i wont))) xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Oh my goodness WOW!! After reading your story i can totally relate to it as i do the same types of things as you do over my teacher - i feel so not alone and so much better after reading this - thank you so much! (i know what you mean about being scared of her finding this lol trust me cos i am too haha cos she'll know its me aswell lol) and anyway i constantly talk about her also. I don't think you are a lesbian, i think you just have a strong admiration and friendship with her - but you confuse this with love. I was the same, i didn't know what i was for a while, but although i so to speak "love" my teacher, i am fully hetrosexual because i love her in a way that i admire her, and look up to her, i think she is perfect as in pretty, i constantly think about her and talk about her (though i dont if i can help it so not to draw attention to it), i love her dress sense and try to copy what she wears because shes young and stylish, and yes i do fantasise about her all the time in my head - like in my head i'll sort of daydream whilst listening to music or something just me and her together (of no sexual nature whatsoever) but just things like me crying say and she hugging me and putting her arm around me (she is v caring and has done this before and although i was upset i loved every second of her hugging me and so constantly go over it), and i daydream fantassies like just random stuff like her comforting me if i was frightened or something or like i imagine being on school trips with her an me vomiting n her just looking after me etc etc.. and if she pats me on the back or something i always vividly remeber where she touched me and i touch myself in that exact place again on my arm or something and remeber her doing it and smile. i hate the fact that i do this - it is embarrassing. i love talking to her after school and in lessons and jokin with her an stuff i treasure every minute of it and hope to be as good a teacher as she is when im older. However, i just admire her from afar (although i always talk to her and find everything out about her like i know roughly where she lives and her birthday/husband/kids/pet etc) and although i love her to bits i dont act on it like you have done - i strongly have the urge to but i restrain myself hard as it is sometimes. i also got her phone number and i know the town she lives in but i dont go there to try and find her house or anything - tho it is tempting lol but i wouldnt do that to her. i also like you love having the power of having her number but would never use it. basically i could just rewrite your essay lol so i wont but almost everything youve said there i experience too - like i hang on to her every word and the phrases she uses i use all the time too - i saw her eat a pack of rolos at break once, and now i always eat rolos. etc i could go on. Sometimes i almost pretend i am her. I could as i say rewrite your essay - everything you say i am exactly yhe same - but i am hetrosexual definitely lol. Can i just take this opportunity to thank you again as i have never been able to tell anyone this and it feels soooo good to let it out to someone lol. you are'nt alone, just remember that :) Just if you cant let go - allow yourself to copy her dress sense/personality etc and fantasise at home but carry on talking to her normally at school and as i say just admire from afar. good luck and thanks again xxxxx
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (22 March 2008):
 I don't think she knows. I mean, I know if a female friend started talking to me about my personal life, or said she knew where I lived, I wouldn't think she had romantic feelings for me. Heterosexual people tend to assume everyone is heterosexual, unless it's balantly obvious (ie: gay pride parade, etc.)
I also think that you are obsessed with her, but not to a bad extent--you're nearly that bad extent, but it's common if you're in love. When I was 13, I thought my band director was my first and only true love (lol) and I used to call his voicemail line at the school to hear his voice on the message recording every once and a while. That was creepy, but natural. Frued describes wanting to watch and follow people as natural instincts that society's ethics force us to supress. So don't think that you're the only one who does these types of things, b/c plenty of other people do to.
If things are normal between you and her, then just let them be normal. I'll tell you the truth: from the sounds of her marriage, she's not going to be leaving her husband anytime soon, especially for a woman. Just be her friend and enjoy the feeling of being in love. Keep in mind that nothing's going to come of it, so just ride out the feeling. There are many other people in the world past your high school, and one of them is probably better than her anyway.
...Hope that helped you. Feel free to message me if you want to talk to someone. Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Hi hun, maybe I can help you with a difference perspective. I'm forty-something, and I have a major girl crush on a professor who I met taking a class at the local college. But we are both forty-ish. I'm married, so is she, and yet I feel I'm in love with her for many of the reasons you feel in love. These types of crushes are very common for us women, strike us hard when we least expect them, and easily arise from the erotics of a teaching/mentor relationship. Your problem is that you are stalking her, and being under age, she cannot not "normalize" a true friendship with you. A good teacher can spot these crushes a mile away, so believe me, she knows about you, she is dealing with you as appropriately as she can. My teacher/mentor and I are quickly become close friends because we can, because of where we are in our lives now. I want to tell her how much I love her and adore her, but to a certain extent she, being a great and popular teacher, she knows already, and I try to focus on normalizing our relationship as a truely close friendship. Once you turn 18 and are no longer her student, you can work on a more normal mentorship or friendship with this older woman, if she's agreeable. You need to quit stalking her home, her family, her personal life, and keep your relationship on campus friendly but professional. Don't jeopardize her career as a teacher. Let her invite you into her life, once she is not responsible for you as a teacher. I control my immense infatuation, almost sexual attraction, for my teacher/mentor by cultivating our friendship while keeping balance in my other personal relationships. You need to do the same, and you can. What you "feel" is normal and healthy, but your actions are not. Controlling your behavior is part of growing up. Develop other friends and relationships, make her part of your life, but not all of it. And remember, whether you feel you are gay, bi or straight, women need other women. It's just the way we are.
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A
female
reader, hot4teacher +, writes (21 March 2008):
hot4teacher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your advice. I have actually tried putting myself in her shoes, and yeah, it seems weird. And she must know I like her. She just doesn't know I'm gay nor think it, so she might take it even worse than. And as for not talking about fantasies... Well, I just didn't mention them but I do have them. I go off into another land in class looking at her body. I have dreams of her that have even disturbed me early on when I wasn't quite sure. I'm actually pretty embaressed to talk about "fantasies" so to say, so I guess that's why I didn't mention them. As for moving on, I feel as thought I can't. I even tried to not talk about her for A DAY. I failed miserably. Its quite sickening, I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Hi after reading what I can only call an essay! lol I personally dont think u love your teacher in a partner to partner relationship way, (non-sexual) way at least. U don't write about any fantasies u feel about the two of you or about how u wish u could be with her.
U said yourself u wont ever be together and that she is married with a young child. I would tried to place yourself in her position (I think she might know your fond of her) mayb just back off like the other post said dont send presents, I think u may just be confusing friendship with love. Good luck and move on
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A
female
reader, hot4teacher +, writes (21 March 2008):
hot4teacher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice. It's been quite a few months now since the so called "meeting". That was back in November, and now it is March so everything is fine there. She acts like it never happened and we are pretty much back to "normal" I guess. The only thing is, now that I know how she felt about it, I'm so much more cautious and I always have a feeling like Ah, does she know what I'm thinking... or something like that. As for confusing the two, I really think I am in love with her. When I am in a relationship with anyone shes the one I am thinking about. It's horrible. And I guess that's why I'm not good with relationships. Because I can't get her off my mind log enough to have a normal one. And usually the other person gets fed up with it. As for the gifts... I have gotten her a Christmas present for three years now, I mean I never thought it was weird... All my life I have gotten basically ALL of my teachers gifts, when I came to high school it was only her. But this year I gave another teacher a gift (one I completely do not have feelings for might I add). So I guess I feel weird NOT giving her a gift, like, after this meeting I wasn't sure what to do and I thought that if I didn't it would look weird and she'd definitely know that I was getting them because I liked her... like that. So I ended up getting her this key chain thing from a boutique and, it sounds stupid now, but paper clips. They were Italian ones though and she had commented that she loved them when i put them on my papers. So I ordered her some. She really loves them and I always somehow can't stop smiling when I see her use them, same as when I saw she uses my key chains. I don't really know anymore. Ah. Also I just sit here and go OMG what if she finds this, she will so know who I am haha. Ah.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): hi,
i know how you feel i am obssesed with my english teacher im always thiking about her and talking about her. and as you said i think she gets prettier everyday. i talk to her after lessons alot we have quite alot in common except from the age :( she is just the most amazing teacher ever. if i was you i would just act yourself and say sorry for over reacting (crying) but i dont think its over reacting cause i would cry. and hopefully you will carry on talking like you used to and get on with each other. dont get her any presents (i did once but wished i hadnt) and try not to get obssesed with her again and think of other things thats what i do and it mostly works. sometimes if you like someone you might get your feelings mixed up. e.g if you realy liked someone as a freind you might think do i realy like them as a freind or do i fancy them just dont get your feelings mixed up as that can sometimes happen.
i hope this will be some good.
if you want you can talk to me!!!
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