A
male
age
41-50,
*hoenix444
writes:I’ve recently fallen for a beautiful woman. Every single bit my type with all of my strengths and flaws. I asked her for her number today and she gave it to me. When I tried to make plans she was hesitant and we never ended up making a solid date. This however is far better than when we started. She’s one of my class mates and I’m about 15 years older than she is. Though I can tell we both like each other. When we first met and I tried to talk to her I thought she hated me because she would say a couple of words and then literally run in a different direction. The fact that we share a mutual friend helps out. After I class today she flew out when I planned on talking her up for a bit. Should I be patient? Wait? See what happens on Monday when we have lab as we recently became lab partners by her asking me? I’m not a patient person but I’m willing to be as she shares so many of my insecurities that I want her to feel as comfortable with me as she can because I’m really in love with her. I do fall easily but not this hard and not for years. What should I do, ask her to a movie, hang out between classes, or wait for her to move? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 October 2013):
 Well she may be shy, but most girls do not run out of class and make themselves unreachable if they really like you. They would go out of their way to talk to you or set up the date. sounds to me you may be getting your hopes up she feels the same way about you as you do with her. Sounds like she's trying to avoid you, in all honesty.
How do you know she likes you? Did your mutual friend say she did? Or are you assuming because she gave you her number?
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (4 October 2013):
 Phoenix,
I answered your previous post and things seem to have moved quite quickly. I'm assuming that we are now talking about R. You will recall that I mentioned that she should not be a freshman. Doing the math I come up with freshman. A freshman is too close to home and high school and 18 to be prepared to handle a relationship with an older guy. There is a pretty high probability of creep factor. Of course that all depends on prior experience and preference.
You say you have trouble waiting. I have some bad news for you. The signs say that you will need a lot of patience. Up to 5 years of it. At a minimum you should wait till after lab. At that point you will know if it was you she was running from if she was just distracted or busy.
BTW I agree with the assessments that you are having a Crush. A pretty major one by your description. This Crush is probably causing you to make some foolish decisions. try to back off and look at it from an outside perspective. Asking us is a good start.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): It's unwise to use the word "love" in a situation where a person is totally unaware of your feelings. There should be a mutual exchange for an emotion as strong as "love." In this context, it is a crush or infatuation.
It is unfortunate that you say that you fall hard and fast.
That may come across as pushy and too eager, and could frighten her a little. Especially, the fact that you're much older may be a bit intimidating, and might even feel creepy. Not that you are, but consider things from her point of view.
She was put a little on the spot, when she gave you her phone number. You both do have a mutual friend, so she may have felt a little cornered. We have all reluctantly surrendered the digits in awkward situations. We feel compelled to offer our phone number when asked at the cash register, within earshot of strangers.
No one is addressing this issue, and I never over-look these particular details. Please consider the following.
You mentioned you have the same "flaws" and "insecurities."
Most people appreciate the strengths and good qualities exhibited in your personality. They don't search for, or acknowledge they have prior knowledge of your weaknesses.
Insecurities kill relationships. I make sure that I repeat this fact every-time I notice the word given in a post.
If you have insecurities, and you are aware of them. In order for a relationship to flourish; you must overcome these insecurities. You do not go into a relationship with the expectation that someone else has the responsibility of dealing with them; or having any need to "fix you." You do not look to others to repair major or minor issues you suffer; because then, your problems become theirs. That is totally unfair. Two insecure people are heading for disaster. You seek help and you work on them.
You don't know the true nature or source of her insecurities. Just because you may have discussed her with a mutual friend; or observed a few things on your own. You don't have all the details.
Sir, your feelings and loneliness are well understood. However; presuming you know her weaknesses when you haven't dated or really spent time together, doesn't offer you the right to consider yourself a possible match. It's all up in the air at this point.
She is in the position to make this decision; and so far, there is no evidence presented to support she is even comfortable around you.
What you do in class is strictly academic, it is not romantic in nature. Keep that in the proper perspective. You're in a room full of people with an instructor. These controlled conditions allow her to feel safe in your company. You are forced to focus on the subject matter, not her. Than she can try and get used to you.
Ease up. Approach her with less enthusiasm. That may be the very thing that is making her run from you. She may even think you're a nice person; and have absolutely no further interest in you other than that.
It is a very uncomfortable situation to be in, when someone who hardly knows you, is coming on pretty strong. Every-time you see them they make you feel uneasy; because it's hard to ask them to back off. She is forced to deal with it daily; because you share a class.
Saying you love her offers the suspicion of obsession.
How can you reach this level of feelings without getting something in return? You've never even dated.
She's not afraid of you. Maybe she isn't comfortable with your visible impatience. Women have an acute sense of awareness, they know when we're watching them. They pickup the signals. She notices your facial expressions, your general body-language, your tone, and the way you look at her. If you don't want to keep her running, then be conscious of what you're projecting to this young woman.
As an anonymous reader mentioned, you don't know her history
with other men. This is also a presumption, but it supports my suggestion that you keep a respectful and comfortable distance.
Approach her as if you're just getting to know her for the first time. You don't know her, and shouldn't show any signs of familiarity. She will grow closer and more receptive at her own pace.
Her private issues are for her to know and you to find out.
That is, if she ever decides she is even interested in pursuing anything more than making you her class lab partner.
Cool your jets.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2013):
 1. YOU are not in LOVE with you. You are infatuated. Having a crush. BIG BIG difference. You take classes with her but don't know her that well. (guessing from this and your other post about this).
2. If she seems hesitant, then BACK off. You might be coming on a LITTLE too strongly.
3. She might not really be interested in you as dating material, but doesn't know how to turn you down in a nice way.
Or.. try someone your own age, where there is less guessing and more direct talk.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2013):
 I agree with the second poster if you are 15 years older than here then at 35 she would be 20 and perhaps she does not yet have the skills necessary to know how to tell you that she's not interested.
She may like you as a friend but to be honest at 20 35 can seem rather OLD....
FWIW when I was 33 my husband would have been 20 (not that I knew him) and I am 100% sure I would not have found his 20 yr old persona compatible with my 30 something life at the time.
Perhaps you can just continue to be friends and see where it goes... she may drop enough hints to let you know you are "friend zoned"
but now at 40 and 53 we work just fine.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
How about you start by slowing things down a ton. There is no possible way that you love her. You're going to scare her if you act like you talk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013):
If say your 35 this makes her 20, no? Or 19teen ish maybe if your 30 it makes her 15teen .. So that's concerning
My advice is dont push yourself onto this girl .. She may run away out of embarrassment or the fact she can't handle how you are with her .. It's hard to tell as we are not visually there ..
A man of 35 is more experienced than a teen of 19 / 20 and if it were my daughter I would not be recommending it her tender age to be involved with a man at your age .. I am sorry to say that you may be a lovely guy but at this age the gap is just to wide .
Take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I've done this to men before. It's because I was uncomfortable and too insecure to tell them outright that SORRY I'M JUST NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. She has lots of young handsome guys to pick from who have the rest of their lives ahead of them. Why don't you focus more on the plethora of 30-something year old women available out there. You'd get more of a positive response.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): perhaps she has had a traumatic experience with a guy in the past. Just be nice to her. Good things take time. however, it might take a lot of time but it might be worth it.
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