A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey dearcupid Community!So, I'm in a bit of a predicament.Theres my partner. Been with him for 6 years in September. God I love him, he's not in a dark place, even his parents say how far he's come from what he once was and how certain things that may or may not happen in the future will be the making of him(kids etc) but there are little things that niggle at me. He can't seem to hold down a job(only had a couple jobs lasting a few months in the time we've been together), he's had a bit of trouble with the law in the past(partly due to his ex who even I can attest is an absolute vile excuse for a human being and I'm not saying that because she's an ex), I personally believe he is a compulsive/pathological liar - he's told me stories about a job he had for years before I knew him, how he was once part of an sas-style gang, how he's had 'relations' with loads of women, yet when around literally anyone else it's all very hush hush and like it never happened. He's 3 years older than me and from what I've seen and heard from/of his family comes from a very good background.Then there's my best friend. Known him since school(that's 18 years now), we've always been there for each other through every hook up, make up and break up(the worst one being his break up almost a year ago now from an almost 8 year long relationship. She was absolutely vile to him for the last 9 months of it), he really has a heart of gold and would give his last breath if it meant I could have one more bless his heart, he's a very good guy all round and has come a long way both in his personal life(health wise) and career wise(he has a stable job and is slowly progressing up the ladder at his workplace). I have actually had relations with him once when I was single but he was on a break during his most recent relationship(the almost 8 year long one). He is the same age as me and like my partner looks like he comes from a very good background.Now here's the crux/question - My best friend just this evening when we were talking like we usually do while I was on my way home from work has professed his love for me... He actually wants to be in a relationship with me. He's been flirting on and off with me the last couple weeks but I thought nothing of it, I thought he was just doing it because he could being kind of newly single!Now he is genuinely a really lovely guy, average looking in my eyes but enough for there to be an attraction if I was single and felt exactly the same as he does, there is definitely something there due to what we have both gone through with each other but I have made it clear to him my heart lies with my partner but I do not want to ruin our friendship. He has said that its OK but he can't just switch his feelings on and off like that which I guess you can't.Ever since then when I have a moment of nothing my mind starts to wonder into the unknown - what if? But I bring myself back to reality and carry on as normal.So,what the heck do I do? Even tho I am in a reasonably steady relationship I can't help but wonder if there is more out there? Why am I having these thoughts? Is it just because my best friend threw me a curveball or do people genuinely start having thoughts while in a relationship sometimes?Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2019): If you're here asking this question and struggling with the answer, then it's very likely you love your long term bf but are not in love with him. Be kind to his heart. If you are entertaining thoughts of greener grass with this other guy, then leave your bf. Your relationship is already over. If you want to stay with your bf, then you need to cut contact with this friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): You won't like my answer. I'm going to put this all under the microscope, and provoke your thought-processes.
Your opening-paragraph was an attempt to justify why you want to consider your friend for a romantic-relationship. You don't love him in the romantic-sense. You see convenience. He's familiar, he has openly professed love(?), you're done with your boyfriend; and you see an easy and convenient transition from one guy to the next without being alone. He has a steady job. He's a handy-dandy replacement, and already broken-in! Primed and ready; thereby forgoing breakup-trauma, and being on your own. Presto! You have a ready-made relationship, all wrapped-up with a pretty bow. He said he loves you. Do you reciprocate the same type of love for him?
You know that would be using him, don't you? Or vice-versa? Using people as a means to an ends isn't love. It's manipulation and deception. It's selfish!
If your boyfriend is everything you've described, why are you with someone of such low-caliber? The heck with his background, what about him???
He's a wannabee thug, a liar, he's lazy, trifling, and has legal-problems in his past. Now get this...somehow you want to blame all that on his ex?!! If he is anything like you indicated in your post, she was the smart-one to kick him to the curb; no matter how vile you might think she is! She obviously wised-up! She isn't here to defend herself; and she's irrelevant to your situation anyway! If he claimed he left her, he did her a favor! Anyway you look at it!
No matter how bad she is, he's got a mind and a will of his own. He has complete control over what he does, and whom he's with. There is no excuse! If she (his ex) was bad news; it's his own fault that he stuck around until she got him into trouble. It doesn't seem he needed any help to do that!
Your bias about his ex is evident; but he's far from a prize, and you gave a full-description of him. I see no cause to even mention his ex. He's accountable for his own actions; or she would have gotten into trouble instead of him.
Your friend is considering you for a plausible and practical replacement. He recently broke-up with somebody; and you're sitting right there within easy reach. Just slide over, and he's got a new girlfriend.
BULL!
It's just too good to be true, and all to convenient! It will be over in a matter of weeks or months anyway. He's just feeling rebound-feelings; and you have a history of intimacy. Reminiscent of your sexual-past; that just gave him cause to consider you as an easy replacement. You're not even physically-attracted to him, by your own admission; and your feelings don't even match his. He is choosing you based on his memory of sex you used to have.
It's usually effective to tell a female you love her, that's good bait to draw them in. Some women will accept it; even if they don't really believe it! "Well, he's a good-catch, might as well! He can pay the bills, and buy me things. We can afford vacations and a nice place. Sex might be meh...but I'll fake-it!" Rationalizing and self-deception leads to a ton of regret!
Dump that terrible excuse you have for a boyfriend! Keep your friend in the friend-zone. Don't use him as a safety-net for when you finally get the nerve and strength to dump your lousy boyfriend. You can maintain the friendship just as it ever-was; being a support for each other. You don't feel for him what he feels for you (which is questionable); and I doubt he's even certain of what his true feelings are. I think he's looking through the eyes of practicality, not love. He threw that in for good-measure! He has to convince and entice you somehow!
Take a pass, you don't need either of them as boyfriends.
I'm telling you what you already know. You just don't want to feel bad for dumping your boyfriend, and you're afraid of being alone. You don't have to transform your platonic-friendship into anything other than what it is. Pity or convenience should not be your motivation to accept your friend's infatuated-love; nor for the fear of loneliness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): Comes down to one simple thing. Who would you like to be with this time next year?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 July 2019):
 I think it's absolutely SELFISH to hit on someone and declare feelings of "love" to someone who is in a long-term relationship.
It means QUITE frankly that he doesn't respect YOUR relationship at all. And that he kind of expects you to just drop it for him. SELFISH.
Now that HE is single... and want someone... YOU are there and YOU are easier to try and get with than having to "go find" a new partner. Having to put in the work of a new relationship.
You say you have known this "friend" of yours for 18 years but nothing (except sex when HE (again selfish) was on a break from his GF) So do you REALLY think he sees you as quality GF material? OR an EASY rebound?
And then there is your BF. Who you claim to "love" OH SO much. No. Be honest. He can't keep a job, he lies and has had trouble with the law. NONE of those are good traits in a partner if you want the whole she-bang of family and kids. And YOU have already cheated on him, right? Or was those "relations" with the friend, before you started dating him?
You have either outgrown your current BF or gone a bit tired of it - so when the friend declared his feelings for you, you went into fantasy-land of what-if's.
6 years together is definitely a time where many people LOOK at what they have (in a partner and the relationship) and wonder if there IS a solid foundation for the next step - such as marriage and family. Most people already did that around year 1-2. Some keep on dating hoping things get better or things change.
I think YOU need to consider 2 things here.
1. CAN you see yourself with your current BF in a HEALTHY relationship, to build a family with him in 5 years? OR do you think he really isn't UP to being a good husband, partner and provider - and don't consider this with the :if this or that changed we would be perfect - AS HE IS right now. With him not holding down a job (which would make you THE breadwinner) and YOU having to shoulder ALL the financial burden. IS it realistic that you two can really make a go at it? A good partner is someone who brings out the best in you, who GIVES his best too. You can ABSOLUTELY love someone and NOT be a good match.
2. Your "friend", is no as good of a friend as you think. He has VERY little respect for you AND your relationship. ALL he can think of now is that HE doesn't WANT to be alone. He hasn't tried to DATE you up until now. In 18 years! Now that HE is single. He sounds selfish and immature and really not a very considerate guy.
IF you aren't sure your current relationship is something to build on, then END it and be single a while. Don't jump straight from your BF to a new guy, the friend or anyone else.
And consider that, while it FEELS good to be "wanted" by this friend - his intentions is for HIS own end. And it is to BREAK up your long term relationship so he can "sample" you some more.
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