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I'm in a relationship yet I find myself attracted to a friend. What to do?

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 September 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2017)
A female Australia age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and I love him to death and I can't imagine life without him.

When I was living overseas for some time, my elder brother had some room mates and every time we came back to see the house, I obviously got friendly with his male friends.

Recently I went to a party and the 5 I know (my brothers friends) were there and they seemed really happy to see me, I noticed a few were clearly showing of. One in particular, for most of the night was leaning against me, putting his arms around me, talking to me, showing of that he was an Iron man champion which is true, his degree etc. Also they were playing beer pong so obviously they were acting like show ponys. When I told him that I had a boyfriend, it somehow came up in conversation, he clearly seemed to have an issue with it. Sort of made fun of the guy and implied he was smarter. Anyway this particular one that I obviously felt he was very much attracted to me and vice versa, told me at the end that if I get bored of my boyfriend, to message him. He then added me on FB after.

We do not see each other that often but when we do, I do feel there is some sort of tension.

tl;dr: currently in a relationship yet feel attracted to a friend.

View related questions: roommate

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly what kind off guy is he to come away with a statement saying if you get bored message me, he obviously doesn't care about other people and doesn't mind if you cheat or not. It looks like he wants a hook up with you and is not taking it serious. If you love your boyfriend then be happy that you have someone like him and don't ruin it for someone who charms you but yet probably would never take you serious.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 September 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntBeing in a relationship does not make you blind to the attractions of others. HOWEVER, what you choose to do about it will define what sort of person you are.

Just because there is a mutual attraction between you and this other guy does not mean you should do anything about it - especially if you love your boyfriend anywhere near as much as you say. Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes and imagine how he would feel that you were openly flirting with this guy and have now added him as a Facebook friend. How would YOU feel if you boyfriend had acted the same way with a female acquaintance? Would you have acted the same way if your boyfriend had been there? You need to make up your mind which ONE of these guys you want to be with and stop messing with the other one.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (11 September 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntDo you honestly see any potential in a relationship which starts with the words, "if you get bored of your boyfriend then message me"?

Also, if you loved your boyfriend "to death"(whatever that means) and clearly you don't, then this would never, ever have come up.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Everyone wants a boyfriend or a girlfriend. If you've been single a long time, you want true-love and companionship. You want someone you can cuddle, kiss, and make-out with.

If only I had a dollar for every post we've received from people desperate to find someone who would honestly commit and have a monogamous-relationship. How angry people get when cheated on, or betrayed by their boyfriend or girlfriend. How distraught they are to discover the one they loved and trusted, decided they want somebody else?!!

Well, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend has some responsibility that goes with it. There's this thing called trust. To maintain his trust, it requires you to remain faithful. Even when you're tempted.

That's where people often fail.

Anything that requires self-control; or challenges their over-sized sense of entitlement, is just too hard.

Well, if you love your boyfriend so much. Here's the challenge. Prove it!

Do what you would want him to do; if he met a girl prettier and nicer than you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntBeing in a relationship doesn't mean you become immune to other men's charms or go blind to other attractive males.

We STILL notice other people.

It's normal.

What does complicate things are the CHOICES we make when we DO catch those feelings.

You can choose to do nothing, keep in contact with your brother's friend and in the end, your relationship will suffer. Because you will eventually blur the lines even further than you ALREADY have. You ALLOWED this guy to put his arms around and pursue you at that little get-together unless you felt you HAD to tell him about the BF. YOU should have nipped that in the bud WAY sooner. My guess is... you enjoyed the attention.

Or you can choose to recognize that there is some lust and attraction going on that IS NOT helping your relationship. then you tell the other guy, look you are a great guy but I think being Facebook friends etc. is detrimental to my relationship so I will unfriend you as a gesture of respect for myself, my BF and my relationship (you can word it however you see fit, but that is the gist of it). And then you look at your relationship to figure out WHAT you are missing from your BF that makes you WANT to get attention from another male.

PUT the shoe on the other foot. HOW would you feel if your BF did what you had done, with a female friend of one of his siblings? Not great, right?

So why is it OK for you to do this?

Decide what you want to do. And then follow through.

Temptations are EVERYWHERE in life. How YOU handle them shows others what kind of person you are, what kind of standards you have, morals and values.

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A female reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal United States +, writes (10 September 2017):

This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal agony aunt Well if you can imagine things, then imagine yourself without this guy in your life. And imagine yourself staying in love with your boyfriend. If that is a real big struggle for you, then you're with the wrong boyfriend. No matter how much you "love him to death" which is such a sad and tired cliché it's kind of sad to see that set of words as a leadin to posts. It usually means that they're not really totally in love with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and it means they are about to venture off the fidelity farm.

The bottom line is you're not with the love of your life. If you were you'd be able to see this from his side, the guy you love to death, remember him? You be able to realize how badly you've hurt him if he saw you physically interacting with your brothers friends. Just cut the guy loose already

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