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I had a friend check on what he told me and he cut ties with me. Did I do something wrong?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Online dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 September 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I met a guy online 4 months ago. All along he has been telling me about the particular company he works for and has talked about work at great length because he works really long hours. I have a friend who works for the same company. I told her about him and then she looked him up on the intranet at work but couldn't find anyone with his name. I then asked him about this and all he could say to me was he was disappointed that I was checking up on him, he has nothing to explain and he can't see how we can go any further and cut ties with me,

Did I do something wrong? Was his reaction justified? I'm also left highly suspicious that he really was lying but I have no way of knowing for sure. I really liked this guy more than anyone else I've ever met before and now I'm just left hurt, confused and frightened by the whole situation if he really was lying about his work he has spun a whole web of lies to go with it and I have no idea if any of it was true.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntFirst off have you actually ever met this man in real life? You say that you really liked him, but is that possible from over the internet? You could be talking to anyone behind the screen. I don't think you done anything wrong asking him, but if he is who he says he is and you accused him off not working their because you got a friend to check that would creep me out a little and make me wonder why you where looking me up.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):

You did nothing wrong at all. I don't see where that is a big deal and you can't be too safe these days. I think the only reason he is acting like that is because he was caught in a lie, otherwise he'd explain the reason she couldn't find him.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Did you do something wrong? From his point of view you did. Which is a good thing because it turned out he's a liar.

Was his reaction justified? Of course it was. Because he was lying to you about something as fundamental as where he works! He is either married or a con artist. So his actions were what a married cheater or con man would do.

By the way I'm leaning toward married because a competent con man would have had a backup lie to tell you.

Consider yourself lucky that you found out about this jerk before you got to deeply involved with him.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (11 September 2017):

Did I do something wrong?

NO, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. It was curiosity.

Was his reaction justified?

NO. His reaction was not justified at all.

You see, you DODGED A BULLET. This guy seems like a pathological liar. Men lie a lot, but the kind of lies this guy was into were very hardcore. If he is lying for something as simple as his job, then he will probably lie to you on bigger things in the future.

Like you mention, there is no way for you of knowing if he is lying or not. BUT, his reaction tells everyone here that it was all lies, and that kind of lies have no reasonable justification. Yes, some guys lie to impress girls, but, I think that guys that do that just start a relationship with the wrong foot. It sends the girl a BIG RED FLAG that this guy is a liar.

You see, if a girl asked me where I worked, and she couldn't find me in the worker database, I would laugh it out, and show her my ID card , and also talk with the HR girls to get me into the database because there is a BUG in there by some reason. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear.

I think you should move on and find a better man.

Best luck !

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Well, you went so far as to check-up on someone. Now deal with it. How would you feel if someone told you to your face that they caught you in a lie? How would you feel if someone told you they had a friend do research on you?

If you caught him in a lie; then confronted him about it, what did you expect him to do?

It shouldn't be too hard to move on. You've never met-up with the guy, and all you've had was conversation. You can't trust what you've been told; so you don't have anything solid to base you feelings on.

Get-over him and move on. Don't contact him anymore. One lie is more than enough. I guess the old adage "curiosity kills the cat" still applies!

For all the folks out there wanting one-up on someone they've just met; you had better be prepared for the shoe on the other foot. Vetting people gives them equal-opportunity to do the same on you. They can dig-up as much dirt on you as you can on them. Technology is wonderful, and having access to private details on another person can be informative, or intrusive.

Do it only if you can handle it being done to you. The best way to do it, is to keep it to yourself. Then you have to make sure you don't hide anything you don't want them to find-out about you later down the road. The problem with people in-general is hypocrisy. Never-mind doing unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhile I'm ACTUALLY all for checking up on a new love interest, it needs to be done with discretion and RESPECT for the person you are looking up.

Ther e might have been WAY better ways to SEE if he was working where he said he was working rather than have a friend look him up. There can be MANY reasons why she didn't find him, ONE of those can be that he simply doesn't work there, ANOTHER can be that their intranet isn't fully updated or he goes by *example* Robert instead of Rob. Or he didn't give you his full name or it was spelled wrong by your friend. PLENTY of VALID reasons she couldn't find him.

LinkedIn is actually a better tool to search people. However, THAT shows you who is searching you.

TELLING him that you basically don't believe he works there means that you start off the relationship with 0 trusts. And I can see why he ended it before it began.

Next time, DON'T show your hand. Don't tell a guy - I had a friend check up on you... It doesn't come across as respectful or from someone who is interested in them, rather they go by what they "think" is THEIR truth... as in for you... you doubted he worked there. You barely knew him yet you made that ASSumption and it came back to bit you in the ASS.

Take it slow when you meet someone. Get to know them. Nothing wrong in doing a background check but BE discrete and respectful.

And yes, there is no way to salvage this one. You overplayed your hand by in a backward manner accusing him of lying and not working at a certain company.

Learn from this.

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