A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has proposed to me, and even though I said yes, I'm now not sure whether I did the right thing. Last year my boyfriend admitted to sleeping with 3 other girls in the first year of our relationship. He told me that he wanted me to know because it was eating away at him and he wishes he could take it away but obviously he can't. I choose to move on from it after we talked it through and I honestly believed we had moved on from it.We were on holiday in August when he proposed. It was picture perfect, and he said all the right things and I felt like a princess. But when we got back and told everyone, I started to doubt whether I had made the right decision. A few friends of ours know about his infidelity and it almost seemed like they think we aren't doing the right thing either. One of his friends actually asked me if I was doing the right thing, and my best friend only replied with 'ok, well if it's what you want." I feel confused over my feelings regarding us getting married. I want to be with him and I do forgive him but I don't think marriage is right for us at the moment but I don't know how to tell him or if it's just nerves or if I'm just over thinking it.
View related questions:
best friend, infidelity, move on, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2016): You got engaged. Take your time to get married. You should not be having doubts. Doubts are reasons to take a huge step back. This guy slept with three women it wasnt a one off dreadful drunken mistake. I don't think you trust him and you wonder if you are really what he wants. Who can blame you? Other people are bound to judge him. You need to be able to respect a man. Do you after what he did?
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (14 October 2016):
It almost feels like your boyfriend propose to you out of guilt, rather than true love. I am sure he loves you more now than he did when he cheated...but still does not feel right.
Hi honey, I cheated on you not once, but three times while we were dating. Sorry I can't take it back. However, since we talked about it and you seem okay, how about we get married?
I think your feels are justified.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2016):
 You are letting your friends decide this for you.
Imagine your friends were backing you up on this marriage, happy for you and thrilled, despite knowing about his cheating. Would that have made a difference to you?
Now, I don't think you can isolate a relationship from friends and family. What people say and think do matter, it does influence us, and it's a lot more pleasant and easy to find a partner who your family and friends accept. In this case, your friends don't accept him, because of his cheating. Whether you accept him or not, your friends obviously don't. This means it will be harder for you to be at ease, and your friends condemning him for his cheating, and in doing so are also condemning the relationship, of course it will matter to you. It is an extra burden. Simply accepting it and moving on isn't enough when more people know about it and express their opinion about it.
If I were you, I'd strongly think about whether this is something I actually want. Aside from the opinion of others. What do I, me, want in the long run? Does this man have a place in my life in the future? Children, grandchildren etc? Next question is how would it be with family dinners with your parents, outings with your friends.... Does it feel good?
If you have decided on marrying him, I would take this particular friends of yours aside and ask him/her to not question you again. True friends have each others backs, and share their joys. But I think, if you were my best friend, I would also look you straight in the eye and ask you "are you sure".
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 October 2016):
 Do you love this man? How long have you actually been together?
At the very least, you should put a date for the wedding on a back burner. You can stay engaged if you want to but don't rush into marriage just yet. You can stay engaged indefinitely if you wish.
One day something will happen which will clarify for you whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man or not. He COULD be genuinely sorry and have learned his lesson. He COULD be a serial cheat. Who knows?
Watch what he does, not what he says. Words are cheap. Has he tried to make it up to you since confessing? Does he treat you well? Has be worked to rebuild your trust?
Don't make any rash decisions. Just hang in there until it becomes clear.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2016): My opinion is that you got caught-up in the moment and swept away by the fact someone proposed to you. You didn't give it enough thought and consideration.
Anyone who would sleep with 3 other women after making a commitment to be exclusive has no credibility; and can listed under the derogatory male-category of "dog!" If one of his own mates would question your decision, that's like a fair enough warning to me. Hope you use condoms.
I think you should reconsider, give this some really serious thought, and withdraw your consent. How could you trust him? I'm not even sure he can trust himself. He only confessed because his conscience was pressing on him; or he knows once the announcement of his engagement got out, all the females he played would come gunning for him.
One time is forgivable, two times is telling you that you're a naive fool, and three strikes? You're out!!!
Did he give you a ring? Don't be ashamed if you have to give it back.
If he did, he knew that would make you forget he said he screwed 3 other women while he was with you. At least that's how many he confessed to. One was too many!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 October 2016):
 Honey listen to me. Take it from someone who's called off am engagement with an ass to find someone a million times better later.
If you're having second thoughts then listen to your instincts. You will rarely ever go wrong. It's not nerves, it's your gut instinct telling you what is right.
Since there was cheating involved, and I'm telling you from experience, it doesn't get better. No matter how much they claim to have changed, no matter how well they try to treat you later, no matter what they tell you...It Doesn't Get Better.
We might think we want to forgive and we'll work really hard to save the relationship but it isn't that easy and neither is it something that you absolutely have to do. I personally don't think that cheating is forgivable and it is most certainly a deal breaker.
Please don't worry about what people will say about you breaking things off with him, if that is ever a concern. It honestly doesn't matter in the least; it's your life, your decision, your happiness. And just because you've said yes to the guy doesn't mean you owe him anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (13 October 2016):
 Trust your feelings. Listen to his friends and your friends. There has to be a reason why they have doubts about you getting married. Call off the marriage, or at least postphone it. ALWAYS go with your gut instincts. I made the mistake of marrying a man that I shouldn't have. All of my family/friends tried to talk me out of it, I never felt good about it but was too afraid to call things off and I was hoping for the best. A pregnant girl of 19 doesn't reallya know much and I paid the price. Two years later we got divorced and that was after I was abused both emotionally and physically and he cheated on me and got another girl pregnant.
Take time to think things through. Talk to him, watch his reactions. Is he on the up and up? Is he still hiding things??
I wish you well, hope it all works out ok. A broken engagement is much easier to walk away from than a broken marriage...trust me!
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (13 October 2016):
 Im glad he confessed, but trust your guts. Major red flags from your post:His friends ask if you made the right decision (they know him better than you do)He had sex with 3 other woman when dating you. NOT 1 woman but 3. He made conscious decision to cheat, then proceeded to do it again 2 more times. NOPEYour sweetness seems to imply your forgiving and gullible but Id say if he cheated a few times and see that you forgave him so easily, whats makes you think he wouldnt think cheating a few more times wouldnt be okay? I think if someone cheats once, confesses and does everything right (pursues, is sincere, honest, admits his mistake, keep communication line open) Id take him back, sure. If he cheated three times, NOPE. Set your boundaries honey.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 October 2016):
 I think you answered your own question : you do not think that marriage is right for you at the moment.
So don't do it. Don't get married.
Marriage is serious stuff, to embark into only if you are absolutely convinced and enthusiastic and if it feels totally right. Yes, there's always divorce- but really , I never knew anybody so cynical or so superficial to say
" Well, ok,might as well giving it a try , then if it does not work, no big deal, we can always get a divorce ". That's not the spirit of what marriage is about, i.e. committment. And you cannot ( and should not 9 commot to something that you fear it may be against your interest and your future happiness.
Who cares about the whys. Suppose that it is just nerves. Suppose that you are overthinking.
The sensible thing would still be waiting until you are not nervous anymore. Or until you can stop overthinking. Or, until you see that, try as you might, you won't overcome your nerves and you won't stop overthinking and decide he is NOT the guy you can be married to, ever.
I know you'd want to know : will it happen again ? Can I trust and believe that he won't cheat on me anymore ?
I have no answer for you. I confess that personally I lean toward the " once a cheater always a cheater ", but I am honest enough to admit that I have seen exceptions to this rule.
So you will have to give yourself your own answer. Have you really forgiven him completely, have you really moved on from the past and tirned wholeheartedly a new leaf ? How much do you trust him, how much do you believe him, how sure you are that he is a new person who would not repeat the old mistakes ?...
You have to find these answers- and if you need a bit of extra time to do that, this is OK. Do not let yourself be pressured by practical considerations , relatives that get disappointed, friends you'd " lose face " with , fiancee' who gets upset . I think that if he loves you he will understand how come you are having doubts , and that ultimately he has only to thank you if you want to err on the caution side before taking on such a big committment. If you discovered AFTER getting married that you rushed things and you can't feel happy and secure in your marriage , you would hurt him more than just by postponing your wedding date. It 's more painful and traumatic and complicated ( and expensive ) to break up a marriage , rather than not getting married altogether, at least for the time being, until you have cleared your mind.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 October 2016):
 I'd probably listen to his mate as he may be doing you a massive favour. Your boyfriend could well have something else he needs to own up about.
It would be very odd for one of his own friends to basically give you a heads up if nothing was wrong.
...............................
|
