A
male
age
41-50,
*dam999
writes:I am getting married in less than 2 months to a girlfriend of 4 years, she has 3 kids from a previous relationship who I get along with well. The past year has been very rocky: we have argued quite alot over everything from sex to money, the usual!In january this all changed when a new girl started at my work. I noticed her straight away as being very beautiful, but didn't approach her as my single best friend wanted to ask her out. Little did I know she actually liked me alot more, which I realised but being a "good guy" I did not want to harm my relationship.Gradually we became good friends and although being from different ethnic background (indian) I found she was very similar to me. I felt something I hadn't felt before,even with my fiance and am so madly in love with her now it is twisting me up inside with guilt and just the want of being with her.I am feeling very confused.The realtionship with me girlfriend is on an all time low but the wedding has all been paid for and her family love me to bits, I am feeling very depressed! My new "friend" is also feeling the same.What the hell should I do???
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best friend, depressed, fiance, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (16 May 2007):
 If you have any doubts what so ever, dont do it!
It is a difficult thing to do, but as previously said, you will be hurting a lot more people than just you and your partner. Bringing kids up in an environment that is not stable and where the parents are constantly arguing is not a good environment socially and mentally for any child. They will land up resenting the both of you for putting them through that.
A
male
reader, adam999 +, writes (15 May 2007):
adam999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thanks for the answers , I guess it was a good idea to visit this site after all :)
It's nice that I can share a problem to neutral people as my friends can be a little bit too biased towards me!
I very nearly broke up with her recently but it is so so hard to do when you think about all the people that you are going to be disapointing, especially her children. It's been absolute torture at work seeing my female "friend".
The guilt is immense but I guess I am going to have to sort things out pretty soon as the wedding is looming and am feeling very down about the whole afair : (
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): First off tell your girlfreind, and put that wedding on hold, maybe the only reason you are feeling love for this other woman is becuase your relationship is rocky right now, Do you think the relationship just hit a rough patch, do you think you guys can work it out, if not its time to move on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 May 2007):
 It's great that you have all this happening BEFORE getting married! You need to talk to your fiancee and let her know exactly how you feel. Even without the co-worker in the picture you have to call the wedding off. If you guys are constantly arguing before you tie the knot it will only get worse afterwards. It is not "the usual" for two people about to be married to do some arguing. In fact, when you talk to her you might not need to bring up the co-worker but rather the constant bickering as the cause for your calling it quits. Talk to her today, the sooner the better.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 May 2007):
 You are obviously miserable in this relationship and it is time to stop the wedding plans and think about what you really want - maybe a trial separation. Whatever the situation, I would not go ahead with the marriage when your relationship is already in crisis. I think you have to look at the two issues separately as (i) GF troubles and (ii) lovely lady at work. You might like the girl at work because you are miserable in your relationship or you may really like her and have a future together. There is only one way to find out - leave your girlfriend and pursue a relationship with the new girl as a single man. If it doesn't work out, your existing relationship was already in trouble so it will be a no loss situation.
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A
female
reader, Just me...  +, writes (11 May 2007):
I am going through the same thing... although i am the coworker.
The man i love is in your situation, we both work together and he is also getting married next year. He also says his relationship is on the rocks and he is not happy.
We both love eachother very much and he doesnt know what to do as his fiance's parents love him and will be paying for the wedding also.... i keep breaking it off as its going to be too hard for us in the end but for some reason we just keep coming back to eachother. He doesnt know what to do, nor do i.... she has found out about us but still continues to push the wedding.
I would really like to know what to do in this situation and how you actually feel about this coworker? Because friends have told me he just has cold feet and is only using me.... i am a pretty good judge of character, and i feel he is as genuine as you seem..... please send me a message i would like to talk to you regarding this.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (11 May 2007):
I cannot stress enough how much more you will be hurting in a years time when you are married, still arguing about the same things with your wife, and not being able to get out of it.
You are best to come clean with your fiance. If you are unsure, rather not do what you think is the honourable thing and go through with it, in the process hurting yourself, your fiance, and her kids. Whatever money you have spent on the wedding will not compare to how you will feel later on when you are still unhappy and wanting to call it quits in the marriage. So at the end of the day, you will land up being unhappy and poorer as you will then need to consider divorce fees (if it goes that far) and the kids.
If you feel something with this other lady that you have never felt with your fiance, who knows what you could be missing out on. You have to think long term, not only what is happening now!
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (11 May 2007):
Just imagine how much worse a divorce would be.
And I wouldn't ever want to be in your shoes.
Word of advice to other male readers out there. Do not propose marriage for any reason less than absolute surety that you want to spend the rest of your life waking up next to her and growing old together.
And please don't date women with kids unless you're very ready to become a father figure to said kids. And don't become a father figure for said kids, until you're absolutely positive that you want to marry their mother.
Did I mention I don't ever want to be in your shoes?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (11 May 2007):
 It sounds like the feelings you have got for this co-worker are very strong and superseed the feelings you have for your girlfriend. If you are having serious doubts about this wedding don't go through with it, no matter how much money has gone into it, or how much her family love you. Its better to be honest now rather than get married, then realise its not what you want and have a divorce under your belt.
I would also be absolutely sure that your feelings for this colleague are not a five minute lust thing, its sometimes so easy to confuse love and lust.
If you don't love your girlfriend anymore you have got to tell her, sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the harder it will get.
Good luck
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