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I'm falling in love with another man and I have a boyfriend!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Family, Love stories<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 November 2011) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 November 2011)
A female Canada age 30-35, *onfused123454321 writes:

hi all...

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years now, we have 2 kids together, things are usually pretty good with us, a few things that bother me are his mood swings one minute hes happy the next hes very miserable. through these nine years of being together he has cheated on me once,left me for another woman, has told me "he dont know what he wants" about 5 times all together and he needed to think about if he wanted to be with me...everytime i stay around and wait for him to figure it out, the last 2 years he hasnt broke up with me or told me hes not sure what he wants etc etc this is the longest it has been without hearing that.

anyways to the problem im having....

In the summer around the end of August my mom had a room mate move in to her place, well this room mate/boarder ended up being my sisters ex boyfriend ( they didnt realy date more like a few sex nights together) they split up and where he was living kicked him out so my mom gave him a place to live as they are friends as well.

well i found myself going over there more often after he moved in...he was a happy person and i enjoy being around happy people, he turned into a good friend always joking around having a good time just hanging out all of us my kids my mom him etc etc...

well than one dy he told me he had a very strong sexual connection towards me, that he didnt want to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend but the connection was very strong....I myself felt this connection with him as well but i kept it to myself because i have a boyfriend, and because he slept with my sister.well since he told me that we have been texting eachother alot he always tells me how much he adores me and how much he wants me, etc etc, everytime i went over there from august untill he moved out we were always flirting with eachother...he told me he felt like i was his soul mate he always says the right things to me to make me feel special and cared for and loved.

well i have never ever cheated on anyone ever and for some reason with this man i did! it started out with just holding hands with us every now and then or finding someway to touch eachothers legs or whatever being very secretive around everyone, to us kissing every chance we got, to hugging everytime no one was looking or around...than one day while my kids were at school and my mom was at an appt we had sex, i dont feel quilty for it at all i dont understand why i dont i should but i dont,

i feel that the bond i have with this man is so strong and the connection we have is so huge i find myself thinking of him everyday and every night i cant get him off my mind...

he tells me he dont want to break me and my boyfriend up he knows my boyfriend well..he is trying to fix his relationship with his ex girlfriend that he has 3 kids with, but we still text every day and he calls most days as well...we have made plans to get together on tuesday to be together again, i dont want to say no i want to be in his arms...he moved out of my moms 2 weeks ago i cried for days i didnt want him to move i didnt want to miss him...

we text all the time, he still calls me "baby" "sweetheart" etc etc, and im looking forward to tuesday even though i know it is wrong,i cant help it i cant this man off my mind i have tried so many times i just cant or i dont know how...

im soo confused im falling in love with him, but i love my boyfriend so very much as well.i know i cant have my cake and eat it to.as well as him having both as well....

hes 41 yrs old im 27....i know what im thinking and what im doing is wrong but i cant or dont know how or what to do...im confused and lost and i dont want to hurt anyone including myself.

im sorry this is soo long but please if anyone has some advice i appreciate it very much.

thank you for taking the time to read this....

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, kissing, moved in, moved out, roommate, soulmate, split up, text

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (21 November 2011):

Ampersand agony auntI can't help but wonder if you feel no guilt because your boyfriend cheated on you and left you for another woman, are you still holding onto the resentment and hurt? An added reason may be that he has left you so many times or not known if he has wanted to be with you, that it may have created some emotional distance on your part; as it's hard putting your entire heart into something when you are constantly reminded it may not last. Obviously two wrongs don't make a right and as you know there's no excuses, but it might explain things.

You're going to need to use willpower to get rid of this other guy and if you need motivation just remember he threatens to pull apart your family...and that should be motivation enough. Delete his phone number, ignore his calls, emails and any other contact. This infatuation/lust/desire/love (whatever you deem it to be), is very much like a drug and you need to distract your mind and thoughts away from him, until he is out of your system. Trust me, he'll tire quickly once nothing is in it for him and he'll soon move back to his ex.

You obviously enjoy the attention he showers you with because it makes you feel special and wanted...something every human wants to feel. Is your relationship with you boyfriend really meeting your needs and do you feel loved? You've been together 9 years, after a while relationships can fall victim to routine and the daily struggles of life; to avoid this requires work and effort from both partners. I think in order to rid yourself of this other man you need to find if there is something missing from the relationship you share with your boyfriend; as you felt the need to go outside of it to seek something more. When you discover what it is, you need to sit down and discuss this with your boyfriend and together take the necessary steps to sort things out.

I wish you all the best.

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A female reader, confused123454321 Canada +, writes (20 November 2011):

confused123454321 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

no he is not worth the pain....but i cant get him off my mind...i know i have a happy family that means that world to me..

I have never been in this situation before,, i have never allowed myself to get into this situation before..why i did this time i really dont know,

I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side..( i used to say that to my boyfriend everytime he broke up with me) (or needed time to think)

Thank you i do need to look deep inside myself and find some answer and figure this out...im just not sure how to do it...everytime i think i end up thinking of him and the things he says to me that make me feel so wanted and special...this isnt me at all....i am not one to be like this i have never ever cheated on someone before.....something about him or maybe something about myself im not sure.. but i did it.

to answer that question...no i dont feel guilty about what i did....i dont understand why i dont feel quilty i really dont i know i should...

and yes really i do love my boyfriend, if i didnt love him i wouldnt be with him still after 9 years and 2 kids and all the heart ache he has put me through....i wouldnt of sat there waiting for him to figure out if he wanted to be with me or not the many times he needed to think on if i was what he wanted...i wouldnt of stayed and waited for him while he was in another relationship with another girl....i do love him.

i have never been in a situation before i dont know how to deal with it, im very confused and everytime i see this man i cant help but smile...i cant get him off my mind or maybe i just dont know how..he just texted me again...saying good morning to me and how he misses me and get wait to see me....i know i shouldnt text him back but i know i am going to....i dont want to hurt no one...

i just wish i knew how i got myself into this situation and how i can go about handling it...

im sorry for bothering everyone with this...i just need some help on what to do and how to do it. sorry

Take care

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011):

This is going nowhere but to a lot of pain for a lot of people. He doedn;t want to come between you and your boyfriend because he is getting everything he wants from you already, SEX! He gets his pleasure while still trying to fix things with his ex. He is basically telling you that he wants the sexual relationship with you, and nothing more. For your sake and that of your family, end this now, because it will only lead to pain, and you are going to be the one to lose everything. Is he really worth it? I think not.

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (19 November 2011):

Ampersand agony auntI'll be brutally honest here...my biggest problem is he's telling you one thing and doing another. He's saying he doesn't want to split you and your boyfriend up and he wants to work on this with his ex; yet he's making plans to meet with you. You need to get a straight answer from him as to what he wants, or you risk being played (it might not be intentional but it is a strong possibility and why take chances where the heart is involved).

Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side, he might very well seem to be more appealing BUT you haven't yet got involved with the day-to-day affairs that relationships entail, you're still in the honeymoon stage. Remember he comes with baggage, his ex being one of them. No relationship is perfect as is no person. First and foremost I think you need to decide if you want to be with your boyfriend - you either do or you don't, the other guy should have no bearing on this decision, as it wouldn't be fair to your boyfriend or your children. So figure out that dilemma first and the rest will fall into place from there. Of course it won't be easy, but you need to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself some very hard questions.

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A female reader, Sally_A Lebanon +, writes (19 November 2011):

hi there,

i'll tell you a story, a story about a man that broke 4 very important relationships that should be stronger than most "average" relationships. why? because those relationships are between family members.

i'll tell you what happened.

1/a man, sleeps with a woman (your sister that is)

2/he has sex with her,

3/he becomes friends with her mother,

4/he sleeps with her sister (you) who is already in a relationship and has 2 kids with her current boyfriend,

5/he gets in a relationship with the sister (and by that i mean you)

6/he breaks all the relationships between all the family members and THEN he leaves.

this is your story madame, this is a story about a man that you are getting more and more into, and letting him take control of your life and giving him the right way to destroy your life

that is the story of the man i told you about a while ago, that man broke 4, even 5 relationships

he broke a family,

he broke:

1/your relationship with your sister,

2/your relationship with your mother,

3/your relationship with your current boyfriend,

4/your boyfriend's relationship with his kids (because he'll eventually leave you after he discovers that you cheated on him, or if he doesn't leave, he won't be the same)

5/his relationship or "friendship" with your mother witch i doubt that he appreciates.

madame, the heart makes you do, or think about stupid things sometimes, BUT the BRAIN should always control those actions and emotions.

you're a responsible woman, and a grown up, you already said that, and i quote, "he is trying to fix his relationship with his ex girlfriend that he has 3 kids with"

so basically you KNOW and your HEART KNOWS and the most important thing is that your brain knows that this is going NOWHERE !

so please, PLEASE, PLEASE stop everything before everyone gets hurt, and before you help that man destroy those 5 relationships that i already mentioned.

i know it'll be hard, but try to, and even if you're not happy with your current boyfriend, it doesn't mean that it's OK to be with that SPECIFIC man

it is too complicated miss, TOO COMPLICATED before it even starts, what more if you let it go on for longer?

end it, END IT NOW! because you won't only be hurting your boyfriend, but also your kids and your sister as well.

i hope my answer was helpful,

please take care, and think about what i wrote.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011):

so answer this? you don't feel guilty about cheating on your boyfriend, yet in the same breath you say you love him? Really?

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