A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I’m so heartbroken right now…I need advice on how to get over this woman. I wound up being in a love triangle which has driven me into therapy but I need some additional advice, criticism, feedback…whatever it is…I just need to hear it. I met this woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t snatch her up and ask her to be in a relationship with me like I should have. She liked me a lot more than I did her during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In May 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out. Unfortunately she had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me, had always loved me and would break it up with this guy. Eventually, she asked for her house key back from him and told him she wanted to see other people. However she did not tell him specially that the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. However, she never actually stopped seeing this other guy and she continued to see me as well. She and I traveled extensively over the next three months taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City..etc and having the best times. She was honest with me about still seeing him and she would tell me when she would see him…which I hated but I accepted. She was with me much more than she was with him but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets on the beach, the restaurants we went to…several shows…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on my FB page either. I let her control the situation. I know I’m such a fool but she said she was just trying to spare his feelings. I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance. She was scared that maybe if she left this guy and then I decided I didn’t want to be with her anymore she would have lost both of us. I wish I could go back in time and grab her for myself but obviously I can’t. However since coming back into her life in May I treated this girl like a queen. Trust me on this and she knows it too. I began loving this woman everyday more and more. She told me every day she loved me as well. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different - with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her beautiful. She’s 33 years old and had been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis since she was 19 which could debilitate her in her future…yet I never cared. I would be there for her forever.Anyway, this love triangle went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost close to 40 lbs. in less than 3 months from the stress…she lost almost 20 lbs. because the situation was having its effect on both of us. And we both saw our PCPs and each of us were prescribed anxiety medication. The scenario was not good.So…about two weeks ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we’re having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around 1AM…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there because my car was out front. I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked me to leave and he stayed…and I never saw her again. I’m disgusted. I’m completely heartsick. I am so heartbroken. I know she used me…but I’m devastated. I loved this girl so much. I’m like a walking zombie. My life feels like it has no meaning now. They have both since changed their FB photos to show them as a couple plus she unfriended on FB me because she said it’s to protect my feelings so I don’t have to look at them. She no longer calls me or texts me so I know it’s over. She has committed to return to me a beautiful diamond sapphire ring (not an engagement ring) that I purchased and gave her because she said she doesn’t deserve it after what she put me through. Why do I feel like this? I’m so distressed I can’t think straight. I go to sleep thinking of her. I dream about her. Couple of facts:Based on her upbringing she has detachment issues. Instead of dealing with issues head on, she has always dealt with negativity by putting on a happy face and going out with friends. (She has admitted this to me multiple times) Basically she doesn’t really feel the emotional pain that most people feel. When I told her how devastated I was and told her that she had “No idea” of the pain that she has caused me…she apologized and replied (sincerely) that she wished she knew how I felt.She had told me on several occasions that everything was fine between her and this guy before I came back into the picture. (Maybe it’s true…but she didn’t have to let me back in her life) When she did go out with him while dating me she would tag him in Facebook and show them together which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. ]He played it cool and allowed her space…I didn’t. I bugged her constantly about leaving him and when she and I could be together. I probably chased her away with my nagging.She actually blamed me for opening the door that evening and said she couldn’t forgive me for doing that. Because of this she has now told me even if they don’t work as a couple she could never be with me. Can someone make sense of what happened to me?? After all of this though…I still want her. I need to get over her and also resist the urge to call her. I don’t know who’s sicker…her or me??? Can someone please tell me when this pain will subside? I used to be this healthy person but now I’m on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m a freaking mess. My heart is in a million pieces.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Hate to break it to you bud... All of that wasn't love. Love is selfless... If she loved you all she would do is make you happy. And if you really loved her you would make her happy by not stalking her. Relent to her wishes.
What you had was fun but you decided to combine your self worth with your bad relationship. Meaning it was a competition to "win" that girl. The prize was validation of how great you are. You lost... The girl... but more importantly ... Your self respect/ worth. By the way when someone breaks up with you, you get the same effects of drugs... It's called withdrawals!
Time heals all. Go to the gym and feel good about yourself again. Rebuild yourself and get more fish. Butch up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I've been researching a bit online... and because of her lack of emotion and conscience along with the fact that she obviously enjoyed having power and being in control... and making me jealous... and didn't seem to feel any guilt or remorse about anything...it matched the description of a sociopath to a tee. When I googled it and read articles like Signs you're dating a sociopath...I almost fell off my chair. It fit her perfectly. It was unbelievable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): I don't think you made any mistake by not "grabbing " her at the very beginning before she started seeing him. I mean at the time you weren't that interested in her so how would it ever have made sense realistically to have known that you should "grab" her? Why didn't she "grab " you? This makes no sense.It seems that your first mistake was just bad luck in picking her. She has obvious issues with how she conducts herself in relationships. She was carrying on a parallel relationship the whole time and she seems to jump from one relationship to another based on whims. This kind of person is unstable and when you tie yourself to them you will get taken on a roller coaster ride. Furhermore if you expect stable behavior from an unstable person you will get very frustrated. There isn't anything you could have done because that's just who she is which is unfortunate. She basically said her whole philosophy to dating is not who she feels most suited to be with long term but rather ensuring she always has a back up boyfriend and is never alone for a minute. She was hedging her bets all along. None of this is your fault, and you couldn't have foreseen this, the only way you could have known she is like this is to have been involved with her and witnessed it happen. I am quite sure its only a matter of time that she finds another guy and then bounces back and forth between this one and the new one. So don't envy him, he will probably be in your shoes sooner or later with her. The second mistake you made was nagging her to drop him. This is something you might want to do differently in your next relationship if you are unfortunate to find yourself in this situation again. When your partner apparently isn't fully committed to you and you have competition for her attention (which is unfortunate and her wrong doing not yours) nagging her to drop him doesn't influence her to choose you over him because nagging is perceived by the target as highly unpleasant. When you nag someone you will not get their sincere cooperation. They may temporarily temporarily to shut you up.maybe in this case it prolonged her time with you. But if they didn't have internal motivation to do whatever it is you are nagging them to do, their true intentions will eventually come out. And the nagging can even influence them away from you by making you appear to be annoying and unpleasant so your rival by comparison looks so much better. The better thing to do would be to give yourself a deadline by which time, if she hasn't stopped him and committed to you, then you will walk away. You can't make someone else feel or think different from how they do so her red flag behavior of progressing two relationships at a time can only be resolved by you in the form of you refusing to participate in it. Well I think you should just consider yourself fortunate this was such a short relationship. It would have been worse if it had dragged on for years then ended like this. I am sorry for your pain, I hope that you are in therapy so you can process your feelings. Just give yourself time and the pain will lessen provided you have no more contact with her.
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female
reader, Miss.Cupid +, writes (16 October 2013):
 I understand you are currently heartbroken. everyone goes through it. Somehow this is yet so different. You were the side guy. She liked your company but yet she didn't want anyone to know about you. To tell you the truth yes she used you, she destroyed you. But karma does come back around, and I hope you realize it I hope you get better from the pain that your chest feels. I pray to god you never speak to this women again, even if she leaves the guy she is with. To be honest she isn't worth the depression your facing. Get over her, its obvious she cared less about your feelings and more for his when she kicked you out after the guy banged on the door. This women is an awful women and gives a bad reputation to us good women out there. Good Luck.
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 She was in a relationship with another man and you were the bit on the side! How did you think this would play out. You are both responsible for the cheating as you knew about her man so you both have to take responsibility.
Find someone who wants to be with you and only you, believe you are worth that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): I guess you got used bad and then got thrown onto the garbage heap. I can only say one thing. Nobody is worth ruining your health over. Say to yourself it is over and continue therapy and move on. My cousin went through what you went through but went on one of these speed dating arrangements and it was not long before he met another wonderful woman and he has never looked back. There are other fish in the sea and you better get a hold of another one and do not think of this bitch that has almost put you in the nut house. What the hell here. Its to bad you could not plan some revenge move on her and this other idiot she is now dating.
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