A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi there!So I was in a 4 and a half year relationship with an amazing guy. We broke up due to living in different places, arguing when we saw each other, and as I was in my final year at University, had way too much going on for all the arguing. I asked for space, he didn't want to give me any and said I'm either in or out, which I respected, but I had to choose out. It was very hard, but we both handled it well and stayed friends. We are in the same friendship group so around each other quite a bit, not all the time, but every social gathering we both go to. Once we broke up, we both agreed how well we were both doing. As we weren't focussing so much on just us, we both started doing better (jobs, hobbies etc).Now, since breaking up 6 months ago I've been in Uni living in a city, and have been chatting to the odd guy, and slept with a couple of guys in this time.Recently, I graduated Uni and starting working full time, and he randomly asked me out for dinner. This is not unusual as we are friends, and he wanted to congratulate me on my new job. Afterwards he stayed at mine, and we ended up sleeping together. Loads of emotions started flooding back and he asked if we could take it slow but start seeing each other again.Now, my question is, if we get together, do I tell him about the people I have slept with? I personally don't care if he has slept with other as we weren't together, however I have been told casually by a friend that he hasn't been with anyone else but me as he has always wanted us to get back together. does he have a right to know before he gets back with me? Or is this my own business? But what if I don't say anything and it comes out a year from now, and he's hurt I didn't tell him?Help!! Thanks!!
View related questions:
broke up, get back together, my ex, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 October 2016):
 You have mad the right decision I hope it works out for you both all the best
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): OP, if you don't want to say anything that is acceptable. But you would be smart not to lie or mislead. There is an important difference between saying "I would rather not talk about it" and lying or lying-by-omission. When you say you don't wish to discuss it then you have put the ball in his court to make an issue of it or not. If he wrongly assumes one thing but a different truth comes out later, it was HIS MISTAKE and not a deception. That difference will matter if there is trouble over this issue in the future. Responding to the "its not the 1950's" comment: People do not start emotionally dealing with something when it happened, they start dealing when they find out about it. If they don't find out for 20 years then it will feel like it just happened when they finally do learn of it. Plus they have deal with learning that they have been lied-to for 20 years. Realistically, its bullcrap to lie about something for 20 years and then say "Oh god, that is ancient history! Get a grip!" when it comes out. People don't lie about something for 20 years if they don't expect it to have any bad repercussions. People lie for 20 years to intentionally mislead their partner.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers! I don't think I'm going to say anything, as I was single. When you start a relationship with someone new you don't have to go through all the people you have slept with, and even though we have been together in the past, this is the start of a new relationship (if it happens).
If he asks me I probably will just say that things have happened but I really don't want to be discussing it, and that I don't expect him to tell me if anything has happened. And that I've had tests etc,
Thanks for all your help!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): I agree 6 months is a long break and I'd assume you had been having sex with other people or at least not that you hadn't. In fact you could have had several relationships in that time.
If he's likely to be upset in 2 or 20 yrs time that you had sex I'd find that weird. It's not the 1950s, women aren't expected to stay chaste while they are single.
It's not like you were apart for 6 hours or 6 days so I'd keep quiet unless he asks in which case it's up to you what you tell him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): If you have to resort to technicalities and lying by omission then you are basically lying to your partner. It is bullsh*tting them no matter how you rationalize it.
This kind of serious relationship partner is not a business deal with a total stranger. It calls for higher standards of honesty and respect.
Would it be right for a man to lead his partner into wrongly assuming that he has a successful career like this? "She should have asked me the right question directly if she wanted to know"? I don't think so. People expect to be able to trust their relationship partners more than this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (23 October 2016):
 If he wrongly 'assumes'? Not sure why his assumption should warrant trouble for her later on. He has a voice and if he has questions then he is free to use it. She is not obliged to give him any answer other than " You have nothing to worry about" If he wants to press for more if he is not happy with that then I'd say he has trust issues. Just my 5 cents
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): 6 months is the accepted "safe" window. One testing outfit or another might claim a pretty high accuracy rate much earlier, but that is not assured.
If you don't tell your man that you have been with anyone else while broken up, and he wrongly assumes you have not, and the truth comes out later . . . . prepare for big trouble. You have been warned. Emotions do not obey relationship labels or technicalities. Emotions do not know what year it is. If he finds out 20 years from now the emotional impact will be as if it happened right then, not 20 years earlier.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 October 2016):
You don't need to justify your sexual health to anybody on here sweetie. As for telling him you have had sex while single it is your choice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question6 months? Not sure where you've got that number from. Herpes 4 weeks, hiv 1-3 months and hiv 9-11 days. All the other ones like chlamydia are usually is only a few days.
I have used protection anyway. and I had tests and they came back clear of everything. So pretty sure I'm clear :) I also know the two guys very well. One came out of a long relationship and had tests before me.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): STI testing takes up to 6 months to find everything.
You cannot know you are clean unless you have been celibate for the last 6 months straight.
What part of this are you not understanding?
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (20 October 2016):
No don't tell him, but don't lie. You done nothing wrong. You where single. Leave it at that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo N91,
I have actually had a STI test, I usually do after the end of a relationship and then before a new one. So I'm definitely 100% clean. I would never start anything with my ex before doing so anyway and I'd like to think he would have the same attitude if he would have slept with anyone in our time apart!
Thanks for your answer too!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 October 2016):
 The fact you are asking this question means you have already considered it. Why would you want to tell him?
In your shoes, IF he asks (which he may but doesn't necessarily mean he wants to know the whole truth), I would brush it off by saying "I was single. I had a couple of flings. Nothing serious." And leave it at that. No names, no details.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Absolutely not. All it will do is create anger and jealously so there's no positive outcome.
What you guys did when you were single is your own business and I'd strongly advise you both to leave it that way.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): You technically don't have to tell him since you were "single". But morally, you might want to. If you know that he is under the impression that there has not been anyone else since you split up then IMO you should let him know he is mistaken. You don't need to go into any more detail than that unless you want to. (Before anyone else pounces on me and disagrees: The ex-boyfriend DOES have a right to know if he is taking more of an STI risk with her than he used to. You CANNOT know if you are clean within the last 6 months. Condoms are not very safe and testing takes longer to find everything. There is no way around it.)
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (20 October 2016):
Nope. serves no purpose other than causing problems. What each of you do while not in a committed relationship is no ones business but your own. He has no right to ask anyway. if it does come up and he makes a big deal of it my advice is to swiftly point out that you did nothing wrong and wont be guilted in to thinking otherwise.
...............................
|
