A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a quick question about male behavior. I have a friend i work with.. He was real flirty and and a big group of us went out and he was all about me. I didn't really think a whole lot on it since he was going through a divorce and we were all drinking. He then would text and came to console me for something bad going on in my life (pet had to be put to sleep) and would stop by where i work to say hi. I def showed i liked him back. he sent some real flirty stuff and i kinda made it knows that he would have to get to know me if something were to get sexual. We saw a movie a few days later and he held my hand and at the end told me how he has a lot going on in divorce and would have to be friends for now and i thought that was best too. Then he went silent for a week and then texted to say hi and make sure i was going to his birthday bash. I went but he was with a girl from his work. I was polite and friendly (He owes me nothing, he is not my boyfriend and is going through a divorce) He seemed to not want to stand next to me but would tease me a little and grab stuff out of my hand or hit my arm. He spent a lot of the night looking at his phone. He mainly stood by the other girl. I just figured he was with her and our flirty time was over and enjoyed my night out with all the other people. He walked up to me a couple hours after the partying started and assured me this was just his friend. I told him that he owed me nothing and not to worry but he insisted that it was just his friend and then went back to where she was. she drove him there as the DD and so when she left, so did he. He sent a text the next day to say thanks for me coming to his party. I said cool and sent a message that i had fun but i could take a hint about the girl and that she was cool and good luck with his divorce. (the body language made it seem like he was with her and i tend to jump out of situations that look like future drama so i kinda sent a "peace out" message) he once again said she was just a friend that he had known her for a couple years and she was having a rough time from a relationship that she had that just ended. He said she wasn't looking for a relationship. He also said his divorce makes it impossible to be serious with anyone for right now(which is true to a certain extent) I kept saying it didn't matter and that i agreed he needed a lot of time after a divorce to be single and free. I am not mad (have no right to be) and I'm certainly not heartbroken but I am curious as to his behavior of showing interest and then not showing it and then coming up to me to make sure i knew the girl was just his friend. Its very weird. I made it perfectly clear that he didn't owe me an explanation and i understood him not wanting a relationship. It's like he likes me and he doesn't at the same time. I like him enough to date him but certainly not at this point in his life. maybe he thought that our increased time together was starting to look like dating and it scared him or he likes the other girl better. i did like him but i can let him go. I just don't get why if he was backing off from me, why go to such lengths to show that this girl is just his friend?PS-obviously i am listening to the words "not ready to be serious" and keeping eyes open for a guy in a better point in his life but i was just curious
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Hi
He might not have been on FB or read your page, unless he commented on there - you don't know he did.
Go enjoy your break and forget him for your own sake, you appear to need his attention and enjoy it too much.
He is seeing or not a woman from work whom HE *chose* to take to his birthday do - that means he planned it and asked her specifically, rather than you.
He's probably stressed because his Ex wants more money or his g/f wants more attention or he isn't getting enough sex.
He probably thinks you will give in and put-out sexually eventually because he will know your interested,you don't ignore him you get drawn into his chats answer his texts,go to his birthday do, message him on FB. Why?
You give him attention. Whereas most other women won't bother to because he isn't relationship material and he knows it, newly divorced, he's merely playing the field as a single man.
I wouldn't even bother being friends, what's the point?
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 May 2013):
 Yes the friend zone sounds the right place for him.
He's not the man for you. Sounds like his own life needs sorting out, by himself, too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis guy is weird. He texts me and asks when my rafting trip is and it was clearly posted on Facebook and I know he had to of seen it. He talked more about all the stress he is under and I suggested he hit the gym to relieve stress cause that I what I do. He is a strange cat. Glad he is in the friend zone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanon
i totally agree with you. He isn't available for what i would want so he is no longer an option for me. It just seemed silly to tell me she was just a friend when its probably more and i never asked or even seemed upset. that is all. He is in the friend zone for sure :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionciar
I didnt' approach him at all about it. He came up to me on his own. I was having a good time. It was later that i said i could take a hint on FB and good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Some guys become very masterful at keeping multiple women "on the hook"..... and this guy seems to be one of them......
Your only "question" should be: Do I really want to take his bait?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (25 May 2013):
 If the man only wants something casual then he won't want his new lady friend reading more into it because of comments made by others. His response may have been to her as much as they were to you.
And I don't think he went out of his way at all, but was merely responding to your repeated and thinly veiled accusations that he was lying about wanting a relationship. If you truly were fine with it you wouldn't have even mentioned it.
If you were overweight and a man was rude enough to approach you about it and kept reassuring you that he was fine with you being overweight, that he had no problem whatsoever with it, what conclusion would you draw from that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): He's confused and he is DEFINITELY emotionally unavailable. He is trying to get his mind off of his divorce/ex wife. He wants to try to move on which is why he flirts with you and takes other girls out but he is still healing from his broken marriage. The reason he felt the need to tell you that this other woman is just a friend is because he wants to keep that option with you open. That's very tender and all but the reality is that all the women he likes at the moment, in his mind, serve to be a band aid to conceal in the short term the pain he feels at what he has lost. Kind of like filling a void. He is looking for a rebound. I've been in his shoes before and even people who are on the rebound can make you feel special. I've said things before to guys similar to what he said to you, you know assuring someone that this or that person is just a friend, to make that other person feel special and like they have a chance so that I can keep that option open. The reality, however, is that he cannot give you what you want. You will be nothing more than a band aid. Just forget everything else that he said and pay attention to the important information he has given you: he is in the middle of a divorce and he is not ready to date seriously. Thats all you need to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): I think he probably does like you but at the moment something casual is all he is after. The fact he reinforced the fact that the other girl is just a friend shows he cares what you think and doesn't want you to think he lied to you about not wanting to date anyone (which as you say is totally legitimate at this stage). I'd just do what you are doing so far, keep your eyes open for someone else and if you are both still single in the future when things calm down, things could be different. As someone else said, you don't want to be the rebound girl as that never works.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncindy cares,I know that i care a little or i wouldn't post here but to specifically tell me he isn't with her when i didnt' ask or act upset or mad at all seems odd to me even if he knows i kind of like him. I even told him he owed me nothing so what feelings is sparing after i said that. I even said i can take a hint and wished him well in a nice and friendly manner but he made another point to state she is just his friend. If she is more than that (which i think is the case on some level after all they have known eachother for two years and i have only known him a month) then the only explanation i can see is hiding what they have from co workers or from his ex wife during divorce or whatever. this girl had just split with her boyfriend and maybe the guy finally had a shot with someone he had a crush on. Maybe she denied him and then he wanted to make it clear he is friends only (by her decision) and maybe he is telling the truth that he doesn't want anything serious and she is providing FWB stuff to him. I am not going to do that ever so it is just as well that he lost interest i guess. It stings the ego a bit but not the heart. I don't invest the heart unless i have a committment from someone. (it also stings the ego cause i am way cuter ha ha ha ;P)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): When he asked if you were still going to his birthday bash he assumed you would say no thanks but surprisingly you went and he then had to do damage limitation. For all he knew you could have gone all bunny boilerish and caused a scene, so he kept you sweet.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 The first part is easy to decode. He put out feelers to see if you'd be into something veeery casual - and sexual. You made it known that this is not the case , hence his pulling back .The extent of his interest was limited to things you would not provide.
As for the second part , actually why could he not be telling the truth ? After all, it's a matter of semantics, maybe even IF he, a few random times , had sex / is having sex with this woman, as his body language suggests to you, in good faith he won't see it as " being together" with her at no level whatsoever. What he does behind his closed doors it's private; officially , clearly he does not wish to be seen as particularly associated to this girl.
Yes, but why making a point that you would know that , if you don't care ? well, first of all, a little you do care, as proven by the fact that the episode is in your mind, and you are writing about it to DC; and he can easily have guessed it / imagined it.
Second, he does not want you to see him as a flake or a bullshitter. He does not want you to be upset and thinking that he fed you a line. He does not want to be seen like the guy who turns you down with the excuse he is not dating- only to start dating ( or anyway dabbling with ) another woman right away.
He was tryng to protect your feelings, or at least the feelings he thinks you would have. His explanations were a sort to reinforcement to the classic " it's not you, it's me ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. It was weird cause he seemed interested in her but spent a lot of time on his phone and then like I said made a point to come up to me and I joked "havn't seen you tonight ha ha" and he went on about how this girl is just a friend and i told him he didn't owe me an explanation and he didn't really. It still stung my ego but i sure didn't let on that it did. I even said on FB that i had fun and she was cool and i could take a hint but he again said she was just a friend and went on about drama in divorce and not being able to date. I don't care and maybe they are hiding their relationship for work reasons but it is not my problem. I didn't sleep with him. I only had hung out with him a few times and it was only the first time we hung out that there was an oppertunity to try and do sex but geeze i'm not that easy. I think I lost his interest but from your answers, it appears to be a blessing that I did ha ha
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A
female
reader, Dayzee  +, writes (25 May 2013):
Oh dear, it sounds like you have been found by a rat. If the girl at the party is a 'friend' it would have been clear when he introduced her to you and said, "This is my friend ..... we met..... But you didn't mention that you were introduced, giving you the oppotunity to find out if they really were just 'friends' . She is probably a friend the way you are a 'friend', ie someone to flirt with but keep at arms length because of his divorce. If I were you, I would not get involved with him. What reputation does he have at work. Also when this goes bad, you're stuck seeing him everyday.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 May 2013):
Hi
Because he respects you and didn't want you thinking he had fed you a line?
He would be stupid to lie as you work together and everyone sounds like they mingle socially, so you would be able to find the truth because people gossip. Especially at work.
Like he says, he is going through a divorce and knows that he isn't ready for a full-on relationship and you know that's a fact.
Just keep it low-key and carry on your search.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2013):
Oh this was mean. He wanted you at his party and then played, "I'm with her".
He wants sex from you. You have not been forthcoming as quickly as he wanted. So he decided to try to get you a little more keen by showing up with a girl from work. Who for all you know may also be another girl in his life.
If he needs to play games to get your attention then I would move on.
Anyway rebound relationships around the time of a divorce invariably fail.
I would move on. Let him concentrate on the girl from work. He's not such a prize. His ex would no doubt agree with me. He's playing games.
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