A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently posted a question about my relationship with a woman, S, whom I have been meeting with while I have been in a long-term relationship with T.Here is the post:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/an-old-friend-i-always-have-feelings-for.html(For those who want a quick summary: I am in long-term relationship with T. But I have been talking with and meeting with an old friend S, who is currently separated from her husband. I have not touched S, and I have not expressed any emotions for S, and S encourages me to marry T. Yet, I have not told T about my meetings with S.)People who kindly took time to comment were almost uniformly convinced that what I was doing was inappropriate. While I thought some responses contained too much harsh judgment (equating what I was doing with having a physical affair, and that I was in mid-life crisis), I found them on the whole a wake-up call. After all, if it was appropriate, why was I not telling T about it?So my question is what to do now.I am going to talk to T and tell her everything. But I do not want to lose S. I realize that my actions are not appropriate. I do not want to keep secrets from T about my meetings or long conversations with S, but I do not want to lose contact with S. She is also vulnerable now, as she has not gotten a divorce from her estranged husband, and is in limbo. She could use a friend.So my question is:Is there any way I can remain friends with S? I do like her. And we have a history of friendship. And I think she likes me. And S has made it clear she does not want a romantic relationship with me.However, if I am being honest, I am a little attracted to S. Yet as I have never touched her, I feel I will never act upon that. And I do think the feelings of friendship are genuine, not based upon physical attraction.Is there any way I can remain friends with S? If so, under what conditions?** I ask that you please refrain from personal attacks. I do not think they are warranted, and I also do not think they will help me. Thank you. **
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2019): Dear sir, please don't take offense to direct and frank answers. Dealing with matters of the heart and the maintenance of trust; responses have to be quite thought-provoking.
You hid your friendship with S from T. You admit being attracted to her. I was quite firm with my advice; because you're not being totally honest with yourself, and you must be worried that T won't understand your "friendship" with a much younger woman.
I suggested that you should back-off; because feelings become confused. Too much exposure feeds into desire; which leads to temptation.
I suggest distancing yourself from S. I think if she's old enough to get married; she's mature enough to deal with her situation without your involvement. If your feelings were more of a fatherly-nature, you'd wouldn't be hiding your friendship. Perhaps because you know T is mature and experienced enough to see through your feelings towards S. She'd put 2 and 2 together!
You're taking advantage of the young-woman's vulnerability; because her delicate emotional state and defenselessness feels like romantic-attraction. I'm not a fool, nor am I a villain for being honest with you!
Hiding someone you have secret-affections for from your mate falls in the line of being shady. Let's call it for what it is.
Let S handle her personal-life, while you handle yours. That, or let T go. You haven't been entirely honest with either of those women. Sorry if you don't like honest observations. It is what it is!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): I think if you love T you will let T go. This poor woman is not who you really want. You mention twice in your post that you do not want to lose S. Not once do you mention that you don't want to lose T. You are prepared to lose T in fact, by letting her know all about you and S. If you really loved T you would forget about S and try to make a go of things with your wife. T should know how you really feel. Then I think you will be free to be friends with S all you like, cos I think you'll be single.And I think that's the best thing all around. Your wife can find someone who truly loves her and you'll be free to try to impress S, with a view to changing her mind about being with you.I haven't referred to your question about having friends in a relationship, because that's not really what your question is about. You still have feelings for S whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. And you are still hoping somehow to win her over and become something more than a friend to her, whilst still being with your wife as a back-up if it doesn't work.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2019):
 I doubt you can " remain friends " with S, because you are not just friends with S. to begin with. You are attracted to her , most of your wish for " friendship " comes from her youth and sex appeal. Men and women can ( and should ) be good friends… but only if it's strictly platonic from both sides. As soon as physical attraction rears its coquettish head, it's not friendship anymore; it's a crush or an emotional affair or a betrayal- in - progress or a budding love story, according to different circumstances and variables, - anyway nothing as simple , straightforward and honest like a regular friendship. You say that you won't act upon those romantic ( or sexual ? ) feelings, you won't touch S., etc. but come on,that's because S. made very clear it's not gonna happen and she does not want to give you a tenth of a chance as a romantic candidate. You know that if you dared to make a pass at her it would not be well received ! But IF she agreed or even just hinted that there might a tenth of a chance for her to accept you as more than just a buddy, - good bye T., my loyal companion , you are a nice gal, but , you know how it is …. : as a crude but truthful proverb in my country says ,more or less, " A female pubic hair has got more traction than a pair of oxen ".
So , disabuse yourself of the notion that you want S. around to be a generous, helpful " friend " in her current state of trouble and vulnerability. While there might be a part of genuine empathy and kindness in your behaviour, TBH from what you write you come immediately off as your usual, garden -variety middle aged guy lusting after
a nice "toy " he can't afford anymore.
Therefore, it's up to you. If you really want to invest in your relationship with T, and try to see if you can mantain / build a deep, meaningful relationship with her,- you should get rid of S. which is just a not -so- innocuous fantasy , and a self- indulgent distraction from the real things in your life. OR, it may be that this attraction for S., and the secrets you share with her, and the fear you have to lose her, make you realize how NOT invested you are in .:, and how poor T. is not what you really want but just a convenient , comfortable arrangement and an uninspiring, temporary antidote to solitude and sexual frustration. Better than nothing, in short. In this case , though, you know that you should be honest and generous , and let T. go so that she can be free to seek someone who will put her first , regardless of her age and degree of physical beauty.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 October 2019):
 Hypothetically, OF COURSE a married person (on someone in a long term relationship can have friendships with the opposite sex.
Having a partner doesn't mean you can't have friends anymore.
BUT there is a HUGE difference in a FRIEND and someone you have had and still have romantic feelings for. The latter is NOT really a friend. They are a "potential mate/partner".
If you are are being 100% HONEST with yourself, if S said; "hey I know you are in a relationship but I just have to get off my chest that I wish I had been dating you and married you instead of my husband and if you are EVER single, look me up" HOW fast would you drop T at a shot of being with S?
T is the SENSIBLE choice.
S is the FANTASY.
The ONLY thing holding you back from dumping T and pursuing S, is S. She has "friends-zoned" you a LONG time ago, and she ONLY sees you as a friend.
The reason she was encouraging you to marry T is because she AS A FRIEND want you to be happy with a good woman, and she think T is that for you.
The reason you haven't MARRIED T yet, is because you aren't sure. Because SHE isn't S. She isn't the "fantasy" she is.. the sensible choice.
You can't BE a good friend to S if you also lust after her (even if it's a "little"). Because ALL the things you WANT to "help" her with is for YOU to be AROUND her and show her just how good of a catch you are, how great of a guy. BE honest. At least with yourself.
IF she was JUST a friend you wouldn't have met up with her behind T's back. You would have wanted them to meet and hopefully ALSO be friends.
S knows all about T, and T knows shit-all about S. Think about that. Why is that?
BE honest.
I think, from the little you have written, that T deserves better and you need to take a harder look at YOUR actions here.
Let me ask you this, WHAT if... T was doing EXACTLY what you are doing with S, but with a guy?
HOW would you feel?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): What you have been doing OP, I would call an emotional affair! If all was innocent, and you were just being a good friend to S, then T would have known all about S, and your former friendship with S, and S s marital woes! Then you and T could be two good supportive friends to S! The problem OP, is that it isn t that way! T, who is allegedly your number one, is completely in the dark, as you scurry about deceiving her, and lying to her! Yes OP, not telling T anything, is lying by omission! You claim that you are going to inform T about all of this, but I contend that you are still trying to work out a watered down version, to tell to T! If you were going to reveal the entire truth, you would have already told T, after your first question post, to Dear Cupid! Just the effort that you expend trying to keep your lunch dates with S, speaks to your lack of honor, in your relationship with T, and S on the side! You need to wise up, and be a good and decent man to T, and just end it with S!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): For starters, why don't you try being honest with yourself? You're more worried about losing your friendship with S than you are about losing your relationship with T. If S decided she was attracted to you, you would dump T in a heartbeat.
You absolutely must tell T about S and don't leave anything out, including your attraction to her. It would be unfair and deceptive of you to not be totally honest. Let T make the decision as to whether or not she wants to stay in a relationship with you. I can tell you if I were her I would thank you for your honesty and move on without you. No woman wants to be settled for or second best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): These are not the actions of a soon to be engaged or married man. Can you be friends with other women? Sure, WITHIN your partner's presence. IF they ARE JUST friends, then there is no reason why your gf/ fiance/ wife shouldn't be PART of the get togethers. They should not be happening alone without her. Not as pseudo-dates . Let's face it- the ONLY reason S is able to go out alone with you is that she is separated from a husband right now. Do you think for a minute SHE would give YOU the time of day if she was with another man? I don't think she would be wine-ing and dine-ing with you with another man in the picture- hence why she only contacted you now that she is separated. If I am honest I think S is being extremely manipulative, most likely KNOWING you had a past attraction for her, and playing on YOUR vulnerabilities to get support and whatever else she wants from you - the whole time KNOWING you are about to propose to another woman? I think a woman with some respect wouldn't be calling an attached man every second day. Nor would a man with respect for his partner be doing this. Can an attached man be friends with a woman? Only within a limited capacity as his FIRST loyalty is to his partner, and he really shouldn't be communicating with other women on his own. Because it is a slippery slope and you have already admitted it is NOT just friends, you have an attraction and from your last post are VERY caught up in her youth,vibrancy and beauty. Sure that is natural but that is why most men STAY the HECK away and show some loyalty for their wives. Hence perhaps why you have never been married?Youth and beauty fade.I do hope actually that you let T go because you lusting and devoting this much energy to another woman just is NOT fair to her. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and T was seeing another man behind your back and daydreaming about him day in day out?
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 If you love T you will let S go. That's the bottom line. You cannot control how you feel about someone but you CAN control your actions- what you do with these feelings. Your actions show your true colours.
A man who was loyal to and deserving of T would have firmly said "I'm married. I am harbouring these "sexual" feelings towards S. The crime is not having the feelings. The crime is that you tried to cultivate these feelings, by pruning and watering them, hoping a rose will blossom i.e. you getting into S pants, rather than nipping it in the bud.
So what if you had/ do get into her pants and she had accepted? Would you have strung T along, had your cake and ate it? Or would you just keep manipulating S hoping she would give. And hey- you have T as a backup, just in case you don't get what you *really want*
Don't pretend for a second if S offered you it on a plate you wouldn't accept. "you won't act on it" because it hasn't happened. Don't kid yourself you wouldn't cheat on T if you REALLY had the opportunity.
That's the guideline. If you would cheat given the chance you shouldn't have that friend. So you figure that one out..
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 October 2019):
 Well, as your "real" relationship is allegedly with T, why don't you ask HER how she feels about your "friendship" and let her tell you under what circumstances she could accept it? If T has anything about her, she will give you a response which will leave you in absolutely no doubt that she is worth better than to be your Plan B.
If you had nothing to hide, you would have told T about your friendship and would have arranged a meeting with S. I have male friends and my partner has met all of them. We even go out occasionally with some of them. As it is, T is not even aware of S's existence. Says it all for me.
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