A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I've been with a guy for a year now - he's nearly 38 and i'm 30. I have a three year old little boy and he is fantastic with him.= - he doesn't have kids and has never been married etc. He was very complimentary at the beginning but told me that he previously struggled to get to 'another level' in realtionships. His compliments stopped and he struggles with communication; he sees everything as an attack and withdraws. I've been going through a rough time mentally, confronting things in my childhood which has resulted in me getting therapy. During this, I have been having panic attacks. I've been very emotional but nevertheless a very attentive girlfriend and done all I can to make sure he's as happy as he can be in that environment. The problem is, he is not. He doesn't reassure me when i'm very bad and the other day he told me that he didn't know if he'd found the one he wanted to be with forever. I'd usually pander to keep him at this stage but I told him that if that's the case then he should leave. He didn't. He told me he just wanted to express that he was struggling. As the days have gone by, I've become quite empty with his lack of empathy and emotion - He'll tell me that he loves me but it feels like there's nothing in it. We had our one year anniversary and since he struggles with verbal reassurance, I was looking forward to a soppy card. He forgot to write the card and told me he didn't have time.He booked a hotel for us to stay in but didn't plan any trips - I did and I took him out for a lovely meal. I felt sad at this and expressed it too him. A few days after and I've expressed that I feel lonely. Instead of smothering him with communication I decided to back off and I text him at work telling him that I couldn't wait for him to get home and to snuggle him. He came home and looked off - he lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and gave me a half assed cuddle. I asked him what was wrong and he flipped saying he was just trying to pretend that we had a normal relationship for once - I told him that we can't pretend, we should bring it to the table and conquer it together. I gave him some space and he told me he was sorry and that he felt selfish and he could do better. A day after we had another conversation because he basically sat there in silence, no enthusiasm. I told him I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore but he just sat there and said that part of him agrees, because he's struggling with me emotionally but he cant walk away - I asked why and he said it was because of how he feels about me. We seem to be stuck - I'm giving him advice on what I like and how I'll help him but he seems to not get it. He doesn't get that by avoiding something, it grows and that in a relationship you manage together. I didn't expect this from someone of his age. I've asked him to help me and be proactive with his reassurance - if he feels something for me then can he please say it. This is combined with a lot of other weird stuff - he wont take pics of us together, I have only met one of his friends by chance, on my birthday night out he was telling my friends that he's dated some 'really attractive' girls - I was bewildered that he'd say that in front of me. When I confronted him, he said he agrees that isn't nice and he can't remember saying that. There's also been some crap with social media (I hate it) - he follows his exes (I disagree with that) and when I confronted him he agreed and said he never thought of it like that. Hes also deleted messages from other girls that he follows. Please help. I'm a connected, emotional individual and it seems as though he's reached his capacity and just doesn't know what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): If you once were a single-mom, struggling, and have always been susceptible to panic-attacks; I speculate that your boyfriend feels obligated to take care of you and your child. Your description of his behavior tells me that he's not that into you; and he may even have trouble adapting to your struggle with your anxiety-disorder.
You've half-heartedly suggested breaking-up; but at the same-time you're either consciously, or subconsciously, holding it over his head what a horrible man he would be to do so. He would not only hurt you, but your son as well!
You don't describe how serious or frequent your anxiety-attacks are; but if you're seeing a therapist, I will suspect they are moderate to severe. I would also assume you also suffer depression and other mental-health complications.
If he is avoiding anything, it's avoiding confrontation and being told he's abusive to you. Neglecting his duties as a decent boyfriend! Being reminded that he's a "failure." In spite of your own opinion and denial. You're trying to be careful not to. My guess is, you probably are.
He has to tell his side of the issue; but for so many reasons...that's too difficult. You can handle only but so much! All you pickup is his distance, and he shuts-down. Typical male-behavior.
I would assume he would feel guilty to abandon you; and anticipates it might be emotionally-devastating for you. Chances are, you've shared all the details of your struggles and difficulties through life.
To be honest, he's probably not equipped to handle many of his own issues; but now he has yours to contend with. Hence, he feels obligated to stick it out. To some degree, he may have a bit of his on emotional-dependency on the relationship to work through. That doesn't necessarily mean it's love, I'm sorry to say. At least he's not alone, and somebody cares about him. It's hard to give that up.
It won't work unless he reciprocates your romantic-feelings; and gives you the security in knowing you're on the same page.
At least he's present, perhaps only pretending things are okay for him; but people suffering with social and/or mental-health issues are often self-centered. I'm including you and your situation here. Everything is centered around your mental-health and disabilities. If someone should up and leave you; then they would have to worry about how you and your son will fare through it all. If he has seen you at your worse, I understand his hesitation to leave you. You may be manipulating him somewhat; but I think you genuinely care for him. You're using his guilty-conscience to your benefit. He doesn't know how to handle your emotional-disorder, and he has proven that over and over. He's not a licensed trained-therapist!
It seems your relationship is far from a healthy one. I think he bit-off more than he could chew; considering he has his own emotional and mental-health issues to deal with. Having a three year-old child in the middle of all this, makes it extremely complicated. You and the child are both pretty fragile!
My feeling is this relationship is unhealthy, and it isn't working. I think he would feel too guilty leaving you; and you've made it clear how his lack of feelings for you upset you greatly. His leaving you would only prove it. You've already driven the point he doesn't show you enough love.
If he has grown attached to your son, I think he is worrying about how he would take his departure. He is very young, and has limited understanding of all this. Leaving you alone with a kid, going through the emotional-trauma from the separation, and subsequent financial-struggle; just seems like a lot to bear on his conscience. Even if he wanted to leave. He also has to come to terms with his own incapacity to provide for you and your son; and his perceived inability to maintain a successful relationship. Facing yet another failure.
You have to let him go. He won't leave unless he knows you're not going to totally lose it. You had your hardships; but you did fine before he came along. I think you'll continue to; because you were somehow surviving before he entered the picture. Subsequently, his continued presence in your life may be doing more harm than good. It's really up to you to prepare and figure this out. All we can do is speculate. We don't get to hear this from both sides, or observe it all in real-time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): I do not mean to be cold or mean with what I am about to say, but neither of you are emotionally fit, to be in a relationship. Both of you are too emotionally needy. You do put forth effort, but you need to live your life and focus on the theraputic work of digging into and working thru what happened in your childhood! Your partner is not a nice guy, he is cold and he says rude things! He should be under the care of a psychiatrist, judging by what you wrote! It is up to you, to send this man on his way, away from you, because he is taking away from the gains which you are making in therapy! You should stay single for at least one year, to continue to make strides in therapy, and to cleanse yourself from the toxicity of your current relationship! When you are in a relationship, you deserve mutual adoration, love, respect, and intense sex with a partner who loves to give even more than they receive! I pray for your future happiness OP!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 October 2019):
 Why are you so desperate to fit this square peg (him) into a round hole?
He is NOT what you want in a partner, AT all. You "tell him" what you want/need but HE isn't able to GIVE you that or he is unwilling. Either way, HE sin't what you WANT in a partner and you can't just expect him to BECOME the man that YOU want him to be. THAT is not how it works.
He was complimentary etc. in the beginning because he knows that is WHAT women expect/want but that was a FACADE. NOT who he is. He just couldn't FAKE that for long.
There IS a reason why his past relationship hasn't worked out. Why he struggles to maintain a relationship can be m\for many reasons but the thing is HE has been expecting YOU to "just" tell him what to do , how to act and to make it work. But when you try that HE feels attracted and withdraw. Again, THAT is not how it works.
I think you are wasting your time on this one.
YOU can not CHANGE him into the guy of your dreams. HE is who he is. Emotionally stunted, low on social skills and not at all understanding that to MAKE a relationship work, BOTH people need to MAKE an effort.
While I don't (personally) get the CONSTANT need for reassurance that he loves you, I kind of get it with this guy. Because he does nothing to show it. He puts in no effort. Is it because he doesn't know how, what to do, what to say or he just don't WANT to invest his emotions? It's impossible to tell, but the overall sound of things is that YOU two are NOT a good fit.
And YOU need to work on yourself. You shouldn't have to push away what you are dealing with so HE can be fulfilled while YOU are "neglected" by him AND yourself.
Self-care, OP. Not just for you, but for your son as well.
As for "he can't walk away" well, fuck a duck! THAT isn't UP to him alone! If you DO NOT want to continue the relationship, then YOU end it and it's OVER! Then you wish him well, CUT all contact, block, delete and move on!
You don't just keep suffering in silence.
HE is who he is, OP - that is NOT going to change. While he might be a great guy on many levels HE IS NOT what you are looking for in a partner. REGARDLESS of his age.
Time to accept this is not working FOR you and MOVE on!
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