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*.BrokenxHearts.x
writes:It's 3 A.M. and I have just got back out bed.There's something I can't get off my mind so I felt the need to ask my friends on 'dearcupid' for advice.It all started two years ago when I met a guy called Jay* we were seeing each other for around 5 months and I fell in love with him I don't know what it was but something about me just caught me.We got together seriously for 3 months after that.Things were going great I really did love him more than anything.But one day out of the blue he decides to end the relationship - No explanation as to why.I was crushed I really was heartbroken and I still haven't gotten over him to this day.Anyway I have tried to be in other relationships since him but as soon as they start getting serious I run a mile because i'm terrified of being hurt the way he hurt me again but I still end up getting hurt anyway because yet again i'm losing another person I care about.Not only that but i'm hurting other people aswell when I up and go because i'm scared.It's been two years and my love life has been disasterous since him.I end up hurting so many people.I really don't know what to do I don't want to be alone but I don't want to hurt anybody again.I'm just terrified of being hurt again plus I still love Jay* but I hate being alone I want someone to hold me and fall asleep with me I wanna feel the way I feel about Jay* for somebody else and I want them to feel it too.I just really don't know what to do just 4 days ago I got out of another failed relationship with a guy I REALLY liked and I really hurt him now he wont even speak to me because it hurts that much for him too see me.I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense it's just my head is so messed up right now I can't focus properly.All advice is appreciated.Thank you.xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): You need to stop asking why and just move on. It didn't work then, and it won't work now. I'm not trying to be harsh - it's just something you're going to have to deal with, and unfortunately, there is no easy way. Hope it works out.
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male
reader, Dangly +, writes (23 December 2007):
im only 17 and i have been in love twice already. I had my first love when i was about 13, but i lost her due to moving to different places, etc. That crushed me but i thought i only live once, i cant spend my time pointlessly thinking about the past. I then fell in love with my best girl mate of 4 years and then we went out for 2 years. She loved me, i loved her, but we split up at couple of months ago. It was the worst feeling ever. But as days past, i spent it with my mates, they made me laugh and made me realise again, you only live once. You will get hurt in life, you cant run away from it. People you know will die, it happens to everyone, your not alone with this, everyone who has been in love, will feel this pain, because nothing lasts forever. You need to ask yourself the question which has been around for ages, is loving someone worth the pain?Btw one thing might help you like it helped me, ask everything that you did wrong, its going to cripple your heart for a couple of days, but you'll find that you will feel less and less towards them, very quickly aswell. Soon enough you will be wondering why you liked them so much in the first place.IF that doesnt work, seek a therapist so you can find why you think how you think or learn to meditate
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male
reader, Moviefan  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 I know how you feel im going throught the same thing right now i got hurt badly a month ago to the point that if i just saw the girl i got disorented and would end up crying. I can only say that you are going throught what they call the "Hedghogs Dellima" Its you fear to get close to someone because you dont want to be hurt. You just need to learn that you have to find a way to get close to others and distance pain as much as possible. As long as your with someone you will always end up getting hurt at least a little. Some relationships more then others.And in this case it sounds like you jump out of any relationship before it gets to envolved you hurt youself and the other person. And you seem to be hurt more when you hurt others then if you just let youself suffer so you are afraid to start another relationship because of this and you fear that you are not ready to move on.I can just reccommend that you maybe try to patch things up with Jay. See if you can still be with him, sure it will be akward at first but im sure you can fix that as well
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): After my very first relationship ended I was so hurt that I too was very hesitant about falling inlove again out of pure fear. In fact it took me many years to get over that. NOT to get over him but to get over my fear.
I did have a few relationships but it was me holding back everything that I was. They never grew fully if at all.
I guess that first relationship disillusioned me so much and I think that is one of the hardest things to overcome is when all of your beliefs and illusions are shattered. Its pretty devastating.
The only guarantee that I know is that you will get over it WITH TIME. I mean for me it took many years. Maybe all in all about 3 or 4 years. And I look back on it and I don't necessarily see it as time wasted but as something that had to happen as part of me growing up.
And with time you just become a little more realistic and your expectations become alot more realistic. And with each relationship it become easier and easier. And the pain is not so hard anymore.
Its kind of like jumping out of a plane. The first time is terrifying. But the more you do it, it becomes easier and easier. Cause you know what to expect and you become more of a pro. So hang in there and don't fight it. Just let yourself feel what you feel and let yourself grow from it.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Hi Hun,
I'm sorry that you got dumped. Having your heart broken is one of the most painful things in the world. Most people experience it at least once, and never want to do it again. But we all do it again. Because that's life, you fall off the horse and you get back on again. If you never allow yourself to fall in love again, you'll never get hurt again? Is that the problem? Once you take that attitude, you might as well just lay down and die, cause you are going to miss out on all the good parts!
Analogy: I know a lot of people who have had wonderful dogs and they talk about them like they are their children. Now, dogs live very short lives and so we all have to lose them way to soon. Everyone says that they can't imagine loving another dog the way that they loved Sparky, but how many people go out and get a puppy within months of losing their pet? Most of them. Why? Because you love the joy that you get from being with them, and you get so much in return for loving and taking care of them. You may not get hurt again if you don't get that new dog, BUT, if you make that choice, you'll never have a dog to love again.
You keep making that choice every single time you throw out a relationship, and it's not helping because you are not protecting your heart by doing this, your just hurting yourself all over again. I think it's fair to say that at this point, you are not in love with Jay, but you are in love with that feeling that you had for him, and because there was no resolution when he dumped you, you have dug in your heels and refuse to move on. Counseling could get you through this.
And your latest relationship? It's a shame that you gave up on him because you really liked him and he obviously liked you. Perhaps it's time to get brave and throw your heart back in that ring again and take a chance on life? If you were sincere and begged, he might take you back - after all, It's Christmas! Good Luck and Take Care.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (22 December 2007):
 It seems as if you maybe need some closure with Jay. If you can get your mind around not being wtih him again but having a conversation with him to find out what went wrong that may be a good idea. If this is not possible then you'll just have to say to yourself, "I did what I could to have a successful relationship with Jay, we broke up because of a problem that he had. The end." Give yourself some time to once and for all get over Jay. (Do you know that almost all of us have a Jay in our past?)
Don't get into a relationship until you are ok with the finality of Jay. My guess is that you are prematurely ending these new relationships to avoid being hurt like you have been. But also your mind is stuck on Jay and you are not letting yourself feel anything for someone new.
Then say to yourself...I know what fantastic is in a relationship and I want that again. The relationships you've been in haven't been fantastic, right? Well don't settle for less than fantastic.
When you do find a new man, take things slow. You could even tell him that he may have to help you along. Men like to feel needed. It will take the right man to open you up again and this will happen. But realize that part of the loving game is getting hurt and hurting people. If you are honest with yourself and your partner, you've played fairly.
Bemused is right about Christmas. It is a very lonely time for singles, especially ones who are feeling poorly about their relationship status. Just get past these holidays. And if you feel you need more help, it's not a sin to ask or to seek professional help. Take care of you.
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female
reader, bemused +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Hi hun. A couple of things struck me as I read your post. Have people told you that you might have a tendancy to be hard on yourself. If you are feeling alone and down at three in the morning...that could be deprssion and coupled with the Christmas season...it might seem all too much for you. I know I do not have the credentials to say so but might there be a deeper loss...perhaps something in your childhood that has you so preoccupied with loss and hard on yourself. Counselling has done wonders for many people and you might discover that there could be a deeper fear that is keeping you stuck. Two and half years is a long time to deny yourself...well fun and the possibitity of a relationship that will make you happy...you are entitled to that. Perhaps you do not think you are and you also keep punishing yourself. My take is counselling and perhaps antidepressants might help you get through the pain. Instead of being hard on yourself reach out to your friends and family. If you are not close to your family and your friendships have suffered get involved with things which will bring you in contact with people and through that new people will start to come into your life. Guys may sense a neediness and sadness in you right now and tends to make them run for the hills. I believe it will happen for you when you are out there and feeling fullfilled in other areas...no rush. Treat yourself well. I believe the sun will come out for you again. Keep us updated on how you are doing hun
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