A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years and she wont blow me. I go down on her and tell her alot how much id like one. She says she might one day but thinks itsgross and awkward. I want to marry her one day but this is important to me. What should i do ? Am i being selfish ?
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (22 June 2016):
OP she already has considered your opinion and she still doesn't want to do it. That's all you need to know. You are now free to do as you wish with that information, including end the relationship, but either way oral sex with her is not going to happen. You (and everyone here) can argue as much as you like about how she SHOULD try it for you because of x, y or z reasons, but none of them matter because SHE doesn't want to. And frankly why would you want her to if she's so against it? Surely it wouldn't be enjoyable knowing she really didn't want to do it?
Honestly, we get SO many questions on here from people asking how they can 'make' their partner do something or act in a certain way, but the fact is we can't. All we can do is choose whether to accept things as they are, or move on and find someone we are more compatible with. I'm sorry but if you want oral you will need to find a different girlfriend.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 June 2016):
 OP, thing is, you don't want your opinion on it considered; you want her to do it anyway. She *has* considered how you feel about it, but still doesn't want to do it - that's okay, just like it would be okay for her to want you to do something and for you to say you're not comfortable with it.If oral is this important to you, you need to break up with her and find a new girl. Also, don't take her back if she says she'll do it because then she's only doing it to keep you, not because she wants to.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 June 2016):
The whole point of sex is consent and she isn't happy consenting to oral on you - that's *okay*, just like it's okay for it to be a deal breaker for you. Some people like it and some don't mind, but some people just don't like it and shouldn't be pressured into changing their minds just because others are happy to do it.
Her reasons are valid, just like yours are - but she's not saying *you* are gross, she's just not comfortable giving you oral, please respect that and stop bringing it up with her. You wouldn't be wrong to break up with her for it, but it's not fair to expect it from her. Either let go of its importance to you or find someone who's happy to do oral on you - both are okay, but you shouldn't bring it up to her any more.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2016):
 No, Chi I don't think of porn blow job.. I don't even WATCH porn. I speak from experience.
I had an ex who DID (I think) watch too much porn as he loved to grab hair and push it in further than what I wanted. It only happened one time, because I told him flat out that if he couldn't "let me" control the situation... it wasn't going to happen again. Not all woman are good at saying I will not allows this or that.
Gag reflex is not just the back of your mouth/throat. Heck, I can gag over a hair across my tongue.
Pineapple juice doesn't fix it for everyone. A heavy smoker, someone who drinks a lot of coffee (or both) - trust me.. it doesn't fix it. What CAN fix it is a peppermint.
As for the OP "sticking" it out for 5 years.. HIS choice. She has been "sticking" it out with him too despite the fact that he wants he r to do things sexually she doesn't want to do.
It's SURELY OK to have deal-breakers, things you JUST don't like. I will not eat lobster, brains, oysters or sweetmeats and while I HAVE tried them, I have no intention of trying them again.
The OP's GF is young and she might find out JUST how much fun it CAN be to be in control of her partner's pleasure (as you are when giving a BJ) but I don't think she will if she feels she HAS to do it, because he wants to marry her. Feeling FORCED to do things like that sexually KILLS the libido.
Instead maybe the OP needs to focus on finding a girl who is more compatible sexually to marry. A RING is not a freaking bargaining tool for sexual favors.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 June 2016):
 I love a good BJ and I love his reaction to one.
Personally for me, I prefer to finish him off and swallow so let's talk about it.
Let's talk about how I give them but my current husband won't/can't perform oral on me. I miss it. There is another thread currently going on that asks what you miss about your ex. THAT is what I miss about my ex his mad skills at giving oral. I MISS IT. A LOT. There I said it.
However, I knew this going in with my husband, that it was NOT an option. So it is what it is.
MY huge caveat... I am 56 years old and have had a lot of good sex and a lot of good times and I can now survive without it.
IF i was 21 it would be a deal breaker.
BTW for my husband, even at 37, my not giving BJs would have been a deal breaker for him... funny thing is we have not had any sexual relations since November of 2014 due to health reasons and yet we are still committed and together.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 HoneyPie, again I think you and others on this thread have just watched some porn and think that is how a blowjob is. Deep troathing, like swallowing, are optional to a blowjob, they're not mandatory. A blowjob doesn't need you taking the penis in your mouth at all, actually. You just lick around the head or maybe take the head alone into your mouth, nothing more. That's less than taking a bite out of your sandwhich, which is why I don't understand these arguments. Gag reflexes, well no one needs to take anything that far into their mouth. Taste-problem, well no one needs to swallow, or the taste can be removed by pineapple juice.
That is why I really feel this all boils down to her not wanting to do it because she doesn't like the penis in itself. Her calling it gross just confirms this. I mean, okay to everyone who don't want to do it because their boyfriend always pulls at their head or whatever. But that's not the case here, the woman has apparently never ever tried it, and never ever intends to. That's when it's becomes a matter of principle, rather than taste. She wont do it "just because".
I applaud the boy for having stuck with her for 5 years even when her calling his penis gross and refusing to do oral. Obviously she has other great qualities, and no one is without a flaw. But I wouldn't ever accept having a partner who didn't love my body and accept my body, and who loved to please me as much as I love pleasing them. We all have different standards and needs in life, but I wouldn't have stayed in such a relationship, and I wouldn't agree at all to people calling it selfish or me not having my head screwed on straight. Being sexually satisfied, being loved 100% body and soul and being happy, is far more important to me than being married and loving someone on paper. If this is important to him (and I get why it's important too), then he shouldn't marry this girl, and he doesn't deserve to get his head bitten off because of it either. He has every right to determine for himself what matters the most to him in his life. Who are anyone to look down their nose at that? Let this girl marry a man who doesn't like getting blowjobs, or who doesn't mind having his penis called gross. It's a compatibility issue, after all. We're not all suited together.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2016):
I doubt it Chi...
People with a fine gag reflex have a hard time with it. People who have a partner that likes to "push" the girl's head or his penis may not enjoy it either.
I don't mind oral, but it definitely something I have done for my partners response and his pleasure, not my own.
And honestly, if someone don't LIKE it, that should be OK. Things shouldn't be tit for tat.
If a guy doesn't like to eat out his GF, I don't blame him either. At least with that... I can understand it as women can vary MUCH in flavor throughout the month. Doesn't mean you find the partners privates nasty... it's just not something they like.
Having limits are FINE. Trying new things are fine too. The OP's GF is young, she might in time decide she wants to try it, but it should BE her choice. My guess is... she brought up the "taste" thing because she felt it was the best excuse, instead of saying:" I just don't want you penis in you mouth."
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 June 2016):
All these answers who just say what "comes out" is the reason they don't do blowjobs, haven't ever tried giving a blowjob, obviously. Because "that which comes out" doesn't come out until there is an orgasm. All the way up until then, you are just licking skin. And again, giving a blow job is NOT THE SAME AS SWALLOWING SPERM. People, can you please separate the oranges from the apples here?
I give blowjobs, I hardly EVER swallow (yes, it's the taste thing, if they haven't had their pineapple juice). I don't let them orgasm in my mouth, plain and simple, and it is EASY to avoid them coming in my mouth because they know when they are about to come! It's not like you get surprised! The poster who said it's easy to avoid the fluids when going down on a woman, clearly hasn't ever gone down on a woman either. It's a lot easier to avoid on a man!!!
Seriously, am I the only agony aunt in this thread who actually knows what a blow job is and how it's done? I probably am the only one who has gone down on both a man AND a woman, and thus KNOW the difference, but that's another story.
OP, I wouldn't want to dismiss the others advice, but it seems clear to me they have little to no experience with blow jobs and have all sorts of ideas about what it is, which is actually isn't. Their advice is thus nothing else but a projection of their own lack of knowledge and their own unwillingness to perform blowjobs.
The penis is gross? I am with the OP, that's hurtful, and imagine a question here on DC where a man told a woman he found her vagina disgusting/gross. You would all be on here telling that woman to end the relationship. You would also be all over such a post telling her that the man was clearly too immature and naive to be in a sexual relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): I am not trying to be rude in anyway i just dont understand. I know going down on her makes her feel good so i do it even though the first couple times i was grossed out and gagged. I do always stay clean and trimmed and i didnt plan on her letting me finish in her mouth at all. I would just appreciate it if it felt like my opinion on it was taken into consideration by her is all.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 June 2016):
It's your right to want something sexual and it's her right to not be comfortable doing it. She doesn't *have* to try it - if you love her or even just respect her, she doesn't need to "come around". If you "need" this, break up with her. She's not saying that part of you is disgusting, as she interacts with it in other ways, but you try what comes out(!) - it's not particularly nice for most people; some can stomach it and some can't. You wouldn't necessarily have to try receiving anal to know you don't like it. This is the same thing. Stay or leave, but don't bring it up any more.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2016):
 You'll always want something more. Say that she does start going down on you. You'll be in the 7th heaven for a time, until you start wanting something else.
What *if* that something else is anal? Will you again draw the line of "I won't marry someone who doesn't grant me rear entry"?? Many more women do not go for anal, which not only is gross, but actually can hurt and damage the woman? Anal fissures are no laughing matter.
You have to make the choice. Are you with her for her, or are you with her for your own pleasure? If you've been with her since you were 16, is it possible that you're becoming restless because you haven't been on your own to experiment??
If that's the truth, no sex acts she can perform will take away that restlessness. Best to be honest with yourself AND her if you're feeling like you want variety. You're young, and you've effectively been with the same girl since puberty. Is it *all* about oral, or is there more to how you're feeling than this one sex act?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (20 June 2016):
Wherever this goes, don't continually pester her about this. It will likely drive a wedge between you two.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 June 2016):
Okay, if this all boils down to taste and smell, the solution is ridiculously easy:
Smell: Wash up before you go to bed. Removes the smell and any sweat and whatever might have gotten attached to the skin during the day. This is absolutely essential, you need to be clean if you want someone to put their mouth on it.
Taste: Drink pineapple juice. Works miracles. Removes all taste. Really, I've been doing this for years and having my men try it too, so I know from first hand experience that it works. Drink it about 2-4 hours beforehand, and in that time it will have started to work to make you flavorless. Works the same for women too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): I am 21 and my girlfriend is as well. She was a virgin when we started dating so i thought she would come around eventually. Every other aspect of our relationship is pretty good. i also would be more ok if she at least tried but she says its gross which also gets to me. It's as if she's saying a part of me is disgusting
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 June 2016):
So a woman's mouth on your D**k, is more important that the woman???
So you stuck around for 5 years to break her heart because of her lack of mouth play? Okay...then what? Let's say she does it, she swallows the whole nine yards...then what??
You got what you want and now...oh there is something else that is important to you that is deal breaker...right?
Dude...Hurry up and break up with her. There someone waiting to give her until death do us part, and that is more important to her than a blow job.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 June 2016):
YouWish and similar responses are right - oral can be pretty gross, when you think about it. When giving oral to women/pre-op trans guys, the liquid can be avoided fairly easily, but it can be harder to avoid liquid that comes out of people who have what you have. It's so important to follow YouWish's list, *if* your girlfriend wants to try it. If she doesn't, you're just putting pressure on her and that's not fair - oral isn't a right, just because you do it to her.
Personally, I draw the line at oral because of the liquid. I just can't do it. Some people love doing it, but I really can't. Luckily, I have a boyfriend who would marry me anyway - choose her or oral, rather than keep asking for it.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 June 2016):
I think a bit of selfishness is needed. The only ones we ever have in our corner, is ourselves. So if we don't take care of ourselves, and make sure we get what we need, then no one else will. I think it is a selfish to want blowjobs. Because the only one who benefits from a blowjob is you. But I don't think it's bad at all! I think you have every right to be selfish in this respect. You wanting a blowjob doesn't mean anyone else will be worse off in the world, so if we're talking morality, being selfish in wanting a blowjob doesn't go against any moral code.
As for your girlfriend. She is immature. You say you have been with her for 5 years, but you are listed as only 18-21. How old is your girlfriend? I think she just needs some years to mature from a girl into a woman. There are some women who just does not like giving blowjobs, plain and simple, but they are rare. Honestly. I never met a woman who completely refused. I know a lot who don't like to give them often, but occasionally enjoy it. I know a lot who don't like to finish the man off with a blowjob because they get tired, but I never met a woman who didn't want to do it at all. So, I am guessing she will start to warm up to the idea as she grows older and realizes penises aren't scary.
As for marriage, hold off on that. Do not marry her if she never intends to give you a blowjob. Sexual satisfaction isn't everything in a relationship, but it is a lot. If you are not satisfied sexually, chances as high your marriage with her will not last. And what is the point of marrying her, if you know it will not last? Better to just date and not get so serious. Grow up a little bit more, the both of you. You are too young to be thinking marriage, young people like you and her develop and change their minds all the time. So don't do anything you will end up regretting, take your sweet time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2016):
I'm not going to be mean to you, because there was something you said in your post that gives me hope for you! I know you don't really mean that your marriage is dependent on her giving oral. You wouldn't have been with her for 5 years if it all boiled down to oral. So I get it!
If this were the other way around, like it often is with so many women who lament that their partners don't go down on them, even though they do, many of us would say that you should stop giving oral until they do. That's one way to go about it, but again, something you said in your post makes me believe that there's a much better way.
She says "She might one day but thinks it's gross and awkward".
Having never smoked (cigs or anything else), my taste buds are extremely sensitive, and so is my gag reflex. Semen is definitely an acquired taste, along with the saltiness of a man's...umm...yeah. I still insist on extreme hygiene on his part before going for it myself.
Since your GF has a little open mind, might I suggest "training wheels". I needed them, and it totally worked. I don't need them anymore, as I've acquired the taste straight up. Let me give you some steps, and hopefully she is a bit adventurous. She never said she wouldn't, only that she's squeamish and "might one day".
1. Don't make her drop to her knees. Not only does that hurt knees, but it hurts the neck, the mouth, and gives a degradation element to someone who's not familiar with the technique (or worse, saw it in porn, which is ridiculously wrong.).
2. Lie back on the bed and let her lay on the bed with you to control the depth at first. The first time isn't to give you an orgasm. It's to get her comfortable.
3. Training wheels. Try whipped cream on yourself, or chocolate syrup, or her sucking on a breath mint before sucking on you. All of these things will make it seem less like the thing you pee out of and more something that's delicious. The breath mint (I used an Altoid) may also have the added bonus of driving you crazy aroused.
4. NO GRABBING OR TOUCHING HER HEAD! Seriously. Don't be a douche and grab her head and yank her onto you. Don't touch her head at all. When she's comfortable, use your voice only to tell her what will make you feel better.
5. No rough thrusts. Want her to gag and throw up on you?? Oral isn't deep throating. It involves hands AND mouth. Trying to make her sword swallow the length of her esophagus is that stupid porn crap, and is ridiculous.
6. If she progresses to the point where you'll get off, TELL her you're going to come. Swallowing should be her choice, so don't surprise her with snotty semen or she'll surprise you with no more oral. Ever.
7. If she's game for it, by god, DO NOT eat tons of garlic or lactose or alcohol. Do you have any idea how nasty you can taste if you do? Drink fruit juice and that sort of thing.
If she's adamant that she will NEVER, then you have a choice. Her or oral. Constant pressure or anger will not work. And while I'm making suggestions about her sexual adventurousness, allow me to suggest the same to you. There are a LOT of things besides oral that can rock your world into the stratosphere. You could use some adventure of your own, so don't get hung up on oral being the greatest pleasure, because I can think of plenty more that will leave you a quivering, spent mess for a week.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (20 June 2016):
It's ok to want or even ask for oral sex but not to keep pestering someone who has said they don't want to do it. Just because you go down on her doesn't mean she HAS to do it for you either, that's not how sex works. If it's so important to you, you need to break up with her and find another girlfriend.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 June 2016):
Who you marry is by a country mile the most important decision you will ever make regarding your own happiness. With that, you are allowed any set of requirements and as deep a vetting procedure as you and only you deem necessary.
If BJs are a deal breaker for you (they would be for me), then move on. In most cases, if she doesnt do it before marriage, she sure as hell wont do it after ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): If it's important to you, it's important to you. Set your deal breakers for sex but I wonder why you stuck with her for 5years with no oral sex benefits and now want to marry her but still stuck on the oral sex part ! Dude, you could have set that deal breaker in the beginning of the relationship. I'm sure that since you want to marry her now that you're already in love and satisfied with other aspects of the relationship. But sex is really important, you really have to compromise here. Personally I love giving my man oral sex and would cut things off quickly when a man who didn't not enjoy giving me oral ---no matter how good other things are outside of sex because if I am going chose a romantic partner, both of our needs should be met including my need for oral. I've also met a few men who did not enjoy receiving oral and I quickly lost interest in them as well because giving is a great turn on for me (many many women enjoy it )You're really young. Compromise. Know that sex is great but aging into your 70s and older you wouldn't be having so much sex so personality, compatibility, comfort, and fun is also important. But know who you are and what you can do with and without and you'll know the answer!! :) Good luck !!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): Myself I think she is being selfish, she knows you love it, you do her, she thinks she got you by the balls, if I was you play the game better don't give her any sex, I know alot of women who don't like to swallow, but they love their man they know he likes it, I surely wouldn't go down on her any more, tell her she has to get on top, cause you don't like being on top, play the game better
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): Your decision to marry a woman is based on whether she will perform oral-sex? Please think of more serious reasons you wouldn't marry the woman of your dreams. I would think that if you loved her enough to marry her, you can make a few sacrifices and compromises.
Apparently you love oral-sex more than you love her, and I think you'd be doing her a huge favor not to ask her to marry you. Your "head" and heart are in the wrong place.
Seriously?!!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 June 2016):
So in exchange for a ring on her finger you think she should start to do oral?
Some people just don't like certain sex acts. I for instance don't even want to TRY anal because it's just doesn't appeal to me. My husband has always been fine with it. He brought it up once and I said it's a no-go and off the table. (before we married btw) He likes things VERY vanilla, so he has his "nope" things too. It's called mutual respect.
IF.... oral is THAT important to you. Then don't suggest marriage, because frankly... she shouldn't feel likes she OWES you oral because you proposed.
I have a kid who hates most vegetables, she is 16 - do you think I FORCE her to eat them? And that IS important to me that my kids eat healthy. No. I don't force her or try and manipulate her or coerce her into eating them. I DO bake zucchini bread (which she likes) but I don't "hide" the veggies, she knows they are in there. She has a choice to eat it or not.
Figure out if it's a deal-breaker or not. Rather than think that she should be willing to do WHATEVER you want because you are "thinking" about marriage to her.
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