A
female
age
51-59,
*rissy4you2000
writes:My husband and fell out of love a long time ago. 3 years ago, I decided to leave. I started looking for work b/c I had been a stay at home mom for 11 years and I knew we couldn't afford for me to move out b/c we have a lot of medical bills with one of our children as well as child support with his son and lots of debt. At that time my youngest was 4 and we'd have to put her in daycare fulltime, which is another expense. I don't have a college education, so finding work to support myself and move out was going to be challenging. Still, I looked and interviewed a lot. 2 months into this process, our oldest daughter came out and told us she had been self-mutilating for the past few months as well as binging and purging. We got her help immediately and she was hospitalized for 2 weeks. The same thing repeated 6 months later, then she got a terrible staph infection that led to 4 surgeries and missing a month of school and it left her permanently disabled. Needless to say, I couldn't work or get a job. My daughter required special attention and the medical bills were stacking up. The stress made it difficult for my husband to work and think clearly. We fell into debt very quickly. I looked for work when the dust settled and found a job for a year working part-time as a personal assistant. The money wasn't great, but I thought this would provide connections to more work. It didn't right away. So 2 years pass from the initial request for a divorce. I got another job last September and stayed with it until last month. But my husband started traveling more and we couldn't afford to hire extra help so I could be at work when our children were sick. So here I am almost 3 years later, and I am still trying to leave. I'm looking for a job that fits my lifestyle (3 kids, one of which requires special attention and the youngest who is 7). I need to move out and move on b/c my husband and I live separately under the same roof. This is killing us all because all of our lives are on hold. We do it b/c we have to. I need some real ideas please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): I am where you are! I have a two children and a husband I have not had sex with in years. I am not physically unattractive and am not a witch. I am trying to decide what to do myself. I also stayed home full time when my childrenn were babies and then only worked part time while they were at school. You and I are doing the right thing by staying with these children and being there for them during their hardest years. We have something that some mothers have seem to lost perspective of---RESPONSIBILITY. My children are older now and I am in the process of getting some professional help to get me back on track and help me make some wise decisions. Don't feel like life has past you by or you are "out of the loop". You are a mom, not a single woman, which more and more moms are acting like. I am extremely proud of you and I feel like you are going to make the right decision when the time is right. I also want to make it clear that while I have gone so long with no sex, I have not lost my passion at all, but I know God is going to reward both of us for the sacrifice we made for our children. When they are gone, you will have so much more respect for yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Wow, so many women in this world suffer. I wish that I would have had the up bringing that would have provided me with what seems to be the truth...
A woman needs to understand how important school is and to be sure to finish it. (I didn't).
A woman needs her own money!!! (a carreer)
A woman should Never stop working! (Those mothers who have their own mothers watching their children are the lucky ones. They don't have to pay large sums of hard earned cash for Daycare.)
I've been with my husband for 22 years, married for 13. I met him when I was 16 and he was 17. He was/is illiterate from another country and bipolar, which was just discovered 2 years ago. Because of all of this I have to tell and explain, and read EVERYTHING to him. He is extremely ignorant, which is sad because he is actually a very, very nice man who loves his kids and has managed to keep his cashier job...FOR 20 YEARS!!!
I kid you not!
Once, he signed a important paper for our son's school and as a result my son got detention because the hand writing was so bad that our son's teacher thought that our son signed the paper. To day my 6yr son could't go on a field trip because my husband couldn't help him with his homework and got the 13 yr old to help. She didn't put the permission slip in the folder. My husband was left in charge so he should have been able to make sure that the 6yr old had everything ready for his teacher, not the 13 yr old.
My husband just ended up going to sleep.
I myself came from a broken home and at 16 years old, I was looking for a family and someone to love and take care of me like my family should have. He had a family and he was cute and gental and financially took care of me. However, 22 years later he has shown himself not to be stable. Our oldest had gotten brain cancer with triggered his bipor. He started cheating on me big time, lost his job and would be gone for days and days. My mother died years ago and I had no other family to help me through that and this went on for 3 YEARS!!! Not to mention also that I was also learing that one son is autistic and the other has ADHD. I had no money to move because I was a at home mother and no family that could help.
Now, I'm at a job with Kolh's and hope to move up with the company so that I can make enoght money to leave him. I hope that I can do it and I hope that he can move back to his sheep hearding mother who is also illiterate.
You are not the same person at 38 are you are at 16. We do indeed go through changes. I wish the best for him, I just need to rediscover me again and take care of myself and my kids. However, it is hard for women.
Woe to the woman in those days who give suckle...
End rant.
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (19 June 2007):
 Can your husband and you sit down together and figure out how you two can separate? Have you already? Are you keeping him involved in the goal to leave yet still keep the kids well cared for?
If not, sit down with him and speak frankly about wanting to move out. He may want to move on just as much as you do, and may have practical ideas for your situation(s).
If you have spoken to him and he's not enough help, do you have family who can step up? Can one or two of your children go and live with their grandparents for a summer or school year? To help with financials, meet with a social worker/gov't agent with the state you live in to see about food stamps, housing subsidies (section 8 application). Look in your phonebook in the front section for government services. What about Medicaid for your disabled daughter? Also google "free family counseling" and type your state or city you live in. If you can find a number to call, call and find out if you can talk to someone who usually works with families in tough situations like yours. They will hopefully have many more ideas and resources. Also, you can go to group meetings for people who are having relationship issues, family issues, etc, and just need a free and a first-name-only kind of place to get it all off your chest, go to http://www.codependents.org/. People are resources in your situation. Meet people, talk to people and see if anyone has ideas/soultions for you.
You've got a tough road ahead of you, but there are many different programs/resources out there to ease even some of your problems.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): I am sorry to not be able to give you practical suggestions but I have to say my impression is that you have many serious issues to deal with that need professional guidance. Have you tried through any of the social services avaiilable to you (I am sorry I dont know the system in your country) to obtain professional counselling advice?
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