A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm 19 and me and my fiance live together..everything is perfect! I am beyond in love with this man.the problem is,I want to share more with him..I bet you're thinking "what more could she want?" this may sound crazy but I want to have his child.His father passed away not too long ago and a baby will truly heal my babies heart.we hav sex a lot! No protection and is just not happening for me! Why do I have these feelings? What do I do?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 August 2012):
The first thing you should do is make sure you are financially capable of handling a child. Raising a child from cradle to 18 in the us is north of $200,000.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I'm now 20 and I'm 14wks Pregnant! Everyone is excited and thus pregnancy wasn't planned.My dream is to own my own daycare to watch over my child and to fulfill the love I have for babies :) We all hope its a girl and her dad and god parents named her Morgan Sa'Majh Anthony :)
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female
reader, Emaz help  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I don't think there is anything wrong with a 19 year old having a child as long as their own lives are secure. Age is just a number, being a young mum does not necessarily mean they will be a bad one. Some people don't want to travel, go clubbing, experiment with their lives. Some people are born to be mothers. If she had not told you her age i am sure you would not be saying some of those things. Everyone is different and there is no set age which is a right age to have a child and i repeat that as long as your own lives are SECURE then if that is what you want who is anyone else to judge....
Although of course you should listen and take into consideration what some of these people are saying because it is beneficial
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mom is a nurse.She had this home since I was very young in age! She's moving out and my fiance and I move in next year so YES our house is almost paid off.No you don't smell a fish I have no reason to lie about anything behind an anonymous page lol.And Yes I've thought about all if those things.I do plan to breast feed.Like I said before,it wouldn't be the first baby I had to raise.I know what a child needs and how much of my attention they will be needing as well.Instead of raising other people's children I should raise one of my own.Well,I get the results tomorrow..if I'm not pregnant,I'll wait until I finish College.If I Am I will keep you guys posted.Also, I asked my mom about it and she said Motherhood isn't easy but she wouldn't change a thing because it made her who she is today :) (I love my mother! I'm so proud of her!)
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 PS. the girl who got pregnant at 18 is now 22 years old.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 January 2012):
I think if she wants to have a kid now she should just go and do it. Some women have dreams of becoming mothers and not have career, they want the man to be the breadwinner and work at a low paid job for ages, until the children are old enough for them to finish/start education and get a better job later on.
I don't think it is wrong to have a child at 19. You can be a great mom. But you must be aware that if you have a child at a young age you ARE sacrificing other things. Such as traveling, getting an education/building a career. You just need to pick which one matters the most to you.
I have friends who have children. One just flunked a class because her child of 2 years was sick so much that year she couldn't get enough time to study. So her education was delayed. Another got her first at 18, and only had 3-4 months left to finish high school, but didn't get that far because the teachers didn't want her in school when she was highly pregnant. So she needed to take the entire year over again, but never got to it. Now she flips burgers. Another friend of mine who got a kid at 24 works at the gas station, never finished any higher education.
I'm not saying it is wrong. But I am saying, and what I think they others are saying too, is that you sacrifice some things when you get a child. Like the 18 year old who now flips burgers. She has a lovely life, married, two kids, they just bought a house (husband works at a low end job, but they live in a rural area where houses are cheap). So she flips burgers. And she's never been abroad. She's not had a vacation since she got pregnant, or had time to finish high school. Those were sacrifices she made. It doesn't make her life less worthy, or her decisions poor either. But there are sacrifices to make when you have children, and you need to be careful to make sure you wont regret those sacrifices, when you could have things both ways if you wait a few more years. Get the traveling done, get the education done, get the better job first etc...
But each to their own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): What we are not hearing which says it is NOT GOOD, is that its something YOU WANT, A me, selfish want.What should be heard is WE WANT, a joint decision. In no way at any time have you said your BF ALSO supports wanting a child.That there tells me it is not sufficient to bring a child into this world.A child has RIGHTS To be brought into a home with two loving parents reside, within the bonds of marriage. The child has rights to happiness, safetly, all needs will be met, physical, spiritual, mental needs, by both parents living same standards and vaules, where they will uphold fidelity. There should be little to no financial burdens or debt (educational loans considered good debt as it provides a higher income when education is completed).
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2012):
 We are trying to tell you what is wrong with your plan… you are not listening to our combined years of wisdom and experience. I want grandchildren too. I have two sons.
What will you do if your first is disabled like mine is? My “reward” baby didn’t’ come till after the first baby. Years and tons of expense spent to ensure that this child (now a 27 yr old adult who has to live in a group home and will NEVER be self-sufficient) is cared for. Can you handle it. I can tell you that I was just 24 when he was born and I THOUGHT I was mature enough to parent properly.
The baby that came at 26… a lousy breastfeeder and premature (even at 8 ½ pounds) so we had some health issues and expenses with him….
First one was conceived the first month we tried. The second one took two months to conceive. I’m one of those look at me and I get pregnant kinds of women…..
When you have this baby, who will watch him/her? How will that be paid for? Will you breastfeed? How do you think that will affect your relationship with your partner? Because if you think it won’t you have another thing coming…. There were days my then husband would come home and go to HUG me not even want SEX just some AFFECTION and he was told “you may touch me above the shoulders or below the knees” he was DECLINED he rightly affection from his WIFE because HIS KIDS CAME FIRST an MOMMY was TOUCHED OUT…. He had to live with it. Will your man live with that? And trust me darling there will be days you will NOT want to deal with adult physical contact both before and after this baby comes.
I LOVED being pregnant… even with the leaky sore breasts, the nausea (constant the first 4 months) the 60 pound weight gain with both babies (going off artificial sweeteners was killer) the massively bleeding hemorrhoids, the swelling and discoloration (permanent) of my thighs and vulva from having children (give me a naked woman and I can tell you if she has had children or not based on the darkening of her genital region… so NOT attractive or youthful….
If your mind is made up then there is NOTHING we can say that will change your mind. I realize your mom was a teenage mom and it all worked out and she WANTS a grandson… I want a granddaughter but my kids are not going to cooperate any time soon and I just have to wait or have substitute grands with my friend’s babies…
While MOM did a great job with you and sis… ASK HER if she could have done it differently would she….
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Yeah, well, I am a bit, let's say , surprised too, because so far I've never met a 19 y.o. with a really well paid job ( but I admit that my idea , and a 19 y.o.'s idea , of what well paid means may differ ). That at your age you have a well paid ( and secure ? ) job , and you own a totally paid off house, and you put money in the bank every month, while you are still in school... that makes you an absolute, rare exception in your age range. Congrats.
But, it's not just about money . Having a good job is quite different than having a career . Why don't you, at the very least, finish your school before tryng to conceive ? You say you have big dreams, but if you don't start taking the active steps to turn them into reality ,that's what they'll remain : dreams. Sure, you don't need to stay sidetracked for ever, but why making it so much harder when you don't have to ? And why letting yourself be sidetracked at all, actually, when you have so many years of baby making in front of you. You can become a mother also in 5, 10, 15 years, but if you want to become a surgeon, or a famous actress, or a finance tycoon- or even just the manager of your local supermarket , NOW is the moment.
As another poster said, the first mark of maturity is being able to control impulsivity and delay gratification. If one is mature he/ she never does something just because it would feel so good , they see first how it fits in their life plan / vision, and they weight accurately pros and cons.
Now, again, you may be a lucky exception, but from what you write it sounds like you don't have a crystal clear picture of what is going to be. Your partyng days are over ? LOL. What parties ? I was referring to something much less ambitious - like , carving out of your day half an hour all for yourself for doing your hair or nails or whatnot. Ask any new mom, that's hard to do,unless you can rely heavily on doting ( and retired !, because if they work too... ) grandparents.
Btw, actually, what about your well paid job ? Can you count on free babysitting ? Because if you don't, your income is going to be drastically reduced. Either you stay home, and don't earn - or you pay for chilcare and that's going to use up a GOOD chunk of your wages, had you considered that ?
What about your relationship ? I know, it's fantastic, and .. how long have you been together ? Maybe you are still in the honeymoon phase when everything always looks so perfect, - or you haven't had yet anything serious and important to deal with, you don't know yet how you function as a couple in front of a challenge . What challenge ? For instance : you are having lots of sex NOW. Again, ask any mom, when baby arrives it won't be like that . How well will you handle the frustration ?...
Pardon me but it does not sound like you are doing great when you don't get at once what you want.
Of course I am not saying that ALL 19 y.o. girls should be banned from procreating, or that becoming a mother at this age is ALWAYS a dumb idea, - it's a case-by-case thing.
Yet , it's better to think about it well, and very very
detachedly and objectively, having in mind not what a baby can give to you , but what you , the parents, can give to this baby.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2012):
19 still in school and going to be able to pay off a house in a year?
do you have an inheritence?
I am 51 and betting I alone make double what you and fiance make... my fiance and I are not going to be able to pay off our house for 15 years and that's IF we give up lots of stuff and put everything we have into paying it off
Maturity means learning to have delayed gratification.
I moved at 24 heavily pregnant with child it's NOT fun.
then trying to unpack, breastfeed, shower, diaper, sleep, feed the spouse, clean the house, etc... exhausting and then I DID NOT WORK... I was able to be a SAHM while married to my first husband... still exhausting...
learing to delay gratification and wants is part of being mature.
I agree your mom may have done a GREAT job at 20 raising you but ASK her if she WANTS you to have a baby now... and ASK her to be HONEST....
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 January 2012):
 You are still in school, You are living in an apartment while paying off a house? Do I smell fish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted the question to figure out what could be wrong..but maybe you're right.Some Things Are best kept to yourself and that what I should've done.My mother had my older sister at 16.So no,she wouldn't have a problem with me having a baby.she actually wants a grand son! And what will be the difference from 2 years later and now? And I will be 20 in August so I would'nt have my child as a teen but ok. Thanks ladies.Do any of u guys have children?Do u regret god's blessing when he blessed you with children?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (5 January 2012):
 If you have it all planned and refuse to consider any advice, then why exactly did you post your question here?
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Obviously you can do whatever you want. You are making your life unnecessarily harder on yourself and your partner. If you are THAT committed to eachother and you are THAT mature, I really dont understand why you refuse to see that waiting even just 2 years IS the better option.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what a child needs.we rent out our apartment and we move into our house next year.by then our house will be paid off.AGE has nothing to do with the way you raise your child.It would not be the first kid I had to raise.All of you guys are going off AGE. And yes I am very mature.Everyone who knows me personally define me as that.I take care of business and like I said before I pay ALL bills on time EVERY month and I'm in school to better my like for my child with only 8 more months to go! I'll be set.I have big dreams.A baby may side track me for a while but I'm not stupid enough to let it side track me forever! I hate when people say they couldn't accomplish their goals after having a child.you can do anything you put your mind 2! Thanks for the advice ladies but this is something my fiance and I really want together.it wouldn't be an unwanted pregnancy so its not selfish at all.We both will do what it takes to be great parents like our parents are to us.My mom had me at 20 and she did just fine with me.She's very proud of my achievements!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2012):
IF after a year of actively trying you are not pregnant then you can seek medical assistance.
Start saving now. INVITRO runs about 10k a pop and is not covered by insurance. I know one woman who had 5 procedures and 5 miscarriages. It does not always work.
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (4 January 2012):
Sorry, but if you were "very mature" for your age then you would realise that having a baby at 19 is not a good way to raise a child.
You're coming across as being rather selfish. I want a baby, I want a baby. You said you've got your own appartment, do you actually own it and pay a mortage? How much money a month are you each bringing in? I dont think you really have any idea what a child needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd a baby wouldn't make my life a nightmare.My partying and hanging out days been over a long time ago.I'm done with that.I had my fun.I work and Stay home most of the time.I barely spend money on myself I just put it all in the bank so trust me,a baby don't break anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have had my life.Yes I'm 19 but I've been through a lot of things I shouldn't have had to go through at such a young age.nobody knows my story and to me,age is nothing but a number because I'be probably seen more things than a 40 year old have.I am very mature for my age.My Fiance is very mature as well by the way we were raised.I may be 19 but I'm an old soul.I hate when people judge me off of my age.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 January 2012):
Well it's your life. I know that people have different ideas about what is most important to them. People got to do what they think is best for them, in the end. But like I said, if you haven't gotten pregnant after a year of trying that is when you should ask your doctor about it and get checked out. But you'll need to try for a year first at least.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and we do have our own apartment that we pay for on time every month.we both have well paying jobs and we are not trying to have a big wedding so we're not really worried about the money for that.thankyou for your advice anyway
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't saying I was doin it because of his father's death.trust me,it'll help him fill the void but I want a baby because i want a baby. I have had my life.I had to mature at a very young age.and he's my fiance not boyfriend.I am Financially stable,I have a very strong support system,and I know the obstacles that I will have to overcome.I am a strong young individual and trust me,a baby wouldn't break me or my relationship with my fiance.Maybe I worded the paragraph wrong.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (3 January 2012):
 You can't force someone out of grieving by having a baby. Not to mention the absolute FIRST "rule" of baby making is don't have a baby to fix something. Babies don't fix things, they stress things. If he's grieving the last thing he wants is a random pregnancy followed by a baby he's not ready for. This isn't a surprise present.
I'm not trying to be rude, I understand where you're coming from and many women have felt the same way. Sometimes it's because the relationship is deteriorating, sometimes it's because they want more intimacy, but having a baby to fix another problem never works. It may seem like the perfect solution now, but when you're arguing at 3 AM about whose turn it is to feed the baby, it's not going to feel much like a solution. I don't mean to sound down on parenthood in general, in the right circumstance having a baby is an absolute joy. This is not the right circumstance.
He's grieving the loss of one of the most important people in his entire life, now is not the time to go through 9 months of sickness, mood swings, and doting on someone else (when he should be taking care of himself), followed by many months of waking up in the middle of the night to feed a hungry baby, change diapers, deal with random times of non-stop crying, followed by a life that will never be entirely his own ever again. Again, this is not surprising him with a present, this is changing his entire life. This is not how to cheer someone up.
Babies are not bandaids, they are a LIFETIME of commitment. If you have one your life will never ever be the same. This won't stop him grieving or fill the void his dad once filled. Only time will make it better for him, a baby will not only not help, but make it worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Having a Baby is a JOINT decision. Have you told your BF your desires? Does he share them? Do both think using a baby to help him heal from his Fathers death as fair? To the baby and to yourselves? From where I stand, that is a very short sighted, selfish decision and even the reason to bring a baby into this world is not the RIGHT reason.It has nothing to do with love and providing for the Babys needs, be it emotional, financial, physical, especially when you demonstrate its to USE the baby to FEEL BETTER, like the Baby is some 'happy pill'.I'm going to counsel you to leave the matter alone and GO BACK ON THE PILL immediately.There is no guarantee that BF will not change his mind, walk out, and leave you with Baby and point the finger of blame at you for making him have a baby he did not plan for or for taking advantage of his emotional vunerability.BE SMART, WISE, and LOVING and chose to wait until everyone is more educated in the world, more emotionally stable, and definitely for a solid commitment aka engagement/marriage. As I was taught with great wisdom, that ALL children deserve to be brought to the Earth with both parents in a LOVING HOME with both parents working together to provide a SAFE, LOVING, STABLE, FINANCIALLY SECURE HOME that will provide for the childs, physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 January 2012):
At 19 years of age, you want a baby to fill in the void in your B/f's life because of his father's death! Are you financially stable enough to support a child? What about your B/f? Is he ready? Are you both done with your studies?
"I bet you're thinking "what more could she want?" " - Sorry to burst the bubble, but that's not what most people would think. When you're 19 and in love with the perfect guy, there are a MILLION other things that one would want, because realistically, there is more to life than falling in love and living with the perfect guy. Things like education, a good job, a reliable source of income, a home, a car...the list is endless.
Having a baby to distract your B/f and make him feel better is the worst possible reason to become pregnant. Go on a holiday together, take some time off and most importantly, give your B/f time to grieve and move on in his own way. It takes time to get over the death of a close family member, but eventually he will. Getting pregnant and the 9 months of pregnancy might sound exciting right now, but when you become parents and have the responsibility of a child for life, you will realize what you've gotten yourself into. Parenting is no child's play and if you think that having a baby will "heal" your B/f's heart, then you are sadly mistaken.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 January 2012):
It does not happen because some girls get pregnant at the drop of a hat and some don't. Any doctor will tell you to start worrying and getting both thouroughly checked for infertility only after one year at least of regular unprotected sex. So, be patient and keep trying .
Or maybe, don't. Making a bay because your partner lost a parent and you want to cheer him up is one of the weirdest reason for making a baby that I have ever heard.
First, the first interest to be taken into account should be that of the yet unborn baby, not that of the wanna-be parents. Would be this baby arriving to a couple that's financially and emotionally already prepared for it at such a young age ? 19 is in general a bit early to have your ducks in a row psichologically and moneywise. You may be the exception.. but makes sure this is the case before engaging in what should be an act not of love, not of selfishness.
Second, people tend to forget, or ignore, that having a baby is a joy , a blessing .... and ALSO a heavy responsibility and a huge source of stress . It will impact your sex life, free time, sleeping hours, spending habits, social life, ...nothing that cannot be handled , but it is handled more easily by parents who are not still grieving or recovering from some loss.
So think it over very well before getting prennat at your age and for the reason you gave.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (3 January 2012):
Getting pregnant can take it's time. It's actually difficult to get pregnant, you need to be ovulating and of course your natural level of fertility plays in. Usually I think they say if you've been trying for a year and not gotten pregnant you can see a doctor to get tested. Maybe one of you is infertile even.
Then again may I point out a few things? Having a baby to replace his dad? Really? No, it's not going to work that way. A baby is not a toy. If you want to cheer your boyfriend up then buy him a video-game. Does he even know you are trying to get pregnant? If he is grieving over his father then he needs to be allowed to grieve. Making babies isn't grieving, and if he doesn't grieve at all you can betcha it'll come back later, babies or no babies.
Last and final thing, if I was 19 and living with a fiancee what more would I want? To get enough money to get married, have a steady income, BUY an apartment or house and THEN get a baby. But that's just me. I can think of a zillion other things I'd at 19 rather would have than a baby, because too me.. well if you're already engaged why not get married before you start a family? Why not wait and save up money so your child will have the absolute best start in life? Or better yet, why not leave family planning for when you're in your 20-ties and spend your money now on a vacation to relieve some stress.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): I am sorry that your fiance lost his father, I know first hand how devastating that is. What really stuck out in your post for me was this:
His father passed away not too long ago and a baby will truly heal my babies heart.
I am sorry, but your wrong, a baby will not magically heal his heart over the loss of his Dad, that is only achieved with time, and lots of time, there is no quick fix to grief or loss of someone so close to you. Of course A baby will bring him joy and he would love the baby with all his heart, but there is also the other side, he will feel the grief sharply because his father isn't there to see his baby, get to know his child and spend time being a grandfather to his baby. So he will be torn between the joy at being a father and the loss of his father who he feels should be there to experience the joy he is feeling. This is how I felt and others in my family when babies were born shortly after my Dad passed away. I am not saying that we didn't feel joy over the babies, of course we did and we love them with all our hearts. I am simply trying to make you aware of the feelings involved. I am concerned that this may be your driving force into getting pregnant and that is not the way to bring a baby into the world.
That being said the stress of trying to fall pregnant can sometimes cause a person to be unable to fall pregnant. My nephew and his wife tried for years to fall pregnant, the even tried IVF, it almost cost them their marriage, they actually separated for a while and when they got back together, my nephew told his wife that he would only come back if she promised not to mention falling pregnant and they stopped trying because he couldn't take it anymore. They reconciled, she didn't mention it and 4 months later she fell pregnant, the stress of trying was making it harder for her to fall pregnant. My advice is try to relax, don't let the stress to get to you and your chances will increase. If your really worried that you can't fall pregnant see your doctor and see what they say. Good Luck, I hope that it works out for you.
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reader, bearN  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Don't worry it will happen . We have sex at your age an think " I don't want a baby". Just be calm and relaxed. Moreover, I did read an article saying women become more fertile at 22 to 26 years age. Now that doesn't mean, you wont get pregnant till mid 20's. Just be calm and relaxed. Keep praying to have a baby.
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