A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I m a 40 years old man. I never had a chance to find someone who I wanted to share mylife with and have children with until a year ago. I had girlfriends but never anyone who I could marry.I m also an only child, as my mother had me in her late 30 s, and after that she tried but couldn't have any more kids.Now a woman that I m with is in her late thirties also. She is actually 38. She looks incredibly young, like she is in her late twenties, but the fact is she is not. She never had children, but was married for 10 years. She knows that I want children, and assures me that she is capable of having them, and the only reason why she didn't have kids with her ex is because he didn't want any.My mother is nearing 80. She keeps on saying that she wants to live to see a grandchild. She is very much against this marriage as she is sure that my girlfriend can't have any kids. Even if she could, she says, but not anymore, as in this age it's very hard to get pregnant. She says, she was in the same age, only a year older when she was trying to get pregnant again and failed. She says, it's a very little chance that it might happen. I have a few friends who's wives had kids even at 40, but it was not their first children. I went on line and read statistics. It's not very encouraging. It says that after 35 the chances are diminished greatly, and after 40 it only 25% chance of getting pregnant at all. Also, it says that chances of down syndrome are much greater. My girlfriend is not willing to have kids right this second. We plan a very small wedding in July. That's the only time she can take of work. After that, she said, we should start trying.She is turning 39 in June. I feel like at this point if we ever plan to have a family we should start trying as soon as we can. And why does she want to wait another 6 months? If she says she wants kids as much as I do, why at her age keep on postponing it.Lately the more I think about it, the more I agree with my mother. I always imagined my life as being married and being a father. I actually was thinking of having 2-3 children, but at this point I hope at least for one. My mother insists for me to find someone younger, the most 32-33 years old. I know it sounds funny, when someone tells a grown man who to marry, but the more i think about it, the more I ask myself, what if she is right? What if my girlfriend already passed her childbearing age, and we will never have any kids? I m in somewhat disturbed mood now, as this thought really bothers me. I would like to hear some opinions about it, thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): you sound like my dream man, I'm 28 with 2 year old twin boys husband cheated on me while in the Army wish I was your girlfriend :(
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 Just to nitpick a bit, I found a THIRD issue.
Which is an element of mistrust and a lack of opene communication.
She assured the OP that she can have children , but the OP does not quite believe her. She says she WANTS to start tryng for a baby in just few months, ...but the OP does not quite believe her.
Why ? Is she known for having lied before ?
The OP says he has doubts because she says that many couples do not even want children. But , well, that's true : many couples do not even want children. Did she SAY she 'd like to be among these couples ?...
Also, becaus she has a " strong character " and the desire for a brilliant career.
As for the strong character, that 's not an obstacle either to conceiving or to parenting, in fact , I think it helps ! The brilliant career... that, yeah, - babies are notorious career busters. BUT : why all the assuming , suspecting and reading between the lines ?
Could you not just ASK her ? And of course , I mean ask her with the reasonable expectation she will tell you the truth . If you can't, because you don't trust her - or she is not trustworthy- THAT's a big problem, not just your ages.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): OP, I think there's two issues here. One is that it sounds like your gf just doesn't want kids. She knows as well as you do that she's 39. Don't you think if she wanted kids she would be a bit more interested in it now. Either that or she intends to go with adoption in a few years' time. Ask yourself if you're willing to go that route.The second issue is I think you overlook the fact that it isn't just her age that's problemmatic but yours as well. It's true that men can have kids no matter how old but as men get older the quality of their sperm decreases which means that the risk of pregnancy complications and genetic abnormalities increases. Older men can actually cause their partners to miscarry, or the baby to have low birth weight or other health problems. Autism in children has been linked to older paternal age. So, OP, dont' just put this all on your gf's age. Your own age is also a problem, even if you got with a 21 year old woman today you could still not be able to have a kid and there is a higher chance for pregnancy complications and birth abnormalities. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paternal_age_effectwhat I'm trying to say is, your best chances biologically speaking are already over. That is not to say you can't have perfectly healthy normal children with or without your gf. But the fact is that statistically speaking it's a lesser chance because you are also past your prime reproducing years so you have to consider if it is a good idea for YOU to be procreating too regardless of whether with your gf or if you leave her to find a younger woman. That changes the internal discussion entirely, because I think it puts more emphasis on alternate paths.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): "I want children and what if my almost 39 year old girlfriend can't have them?"Then you will have to go with adoption as the way to build your family. (which to me is the pinnacle of true selfless parental love. I don't know why so many people who say "I really want kids" actually mean "ONLY kids with my own DNA are good enough", that's rather egotistical and shows the desire to nurture and parent a child is actually secondary to some other more selfish desire). And if for some reason you're averse to adoption or if she does not want children at all, then you will just have to break up with her and find another woman who will be willing and able to procreate with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): You should start looking into adoption. Seriously, why haven't you already since you want so much to be a parent? Or be a foster parent. There are so many options besides you personally impregnating a woman and having her give birth as a result. The adoption process is long so you should start the ball rolling now. if you ONLY want kids that are biologically related to you, and are not OK with possibly never having kids and are not OK with adopting, then you should leave your girlfriend now and find someone younger. Don't waste anymore of her time because it's likely that she either will not want kids after all or will be unable to and THEN you will leave her and break her heart. So better to put the brakes on now and change course. But again. If you really want to be a parent, and your gf and you are both getting old (did you know that it's not just the woman's age that raises the risk of birth defects but the man's as well? you're no spring chicken yourself so you could be the one risking the pregnancy) then you should go the adoption route. "I always imagined my life as being married and being a father. "Just curious but have you ever questioned why you want this? Or is it just because it's what everyone else is doing? (well, it's not anymore...many people are choosing not to have kids, or not to get married, or both...). I'm just saying that when you don't get what you want in life, you can either strive harder to get that elusive thing you want, or you can re-consider your goals and change them to be more in line with what you have and learn to be content with that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 March 2013):
 ah so the real issue emerges which is you really really really want kids and she's not so sure...
and as such she will probably put you off longer and longer till POOF it's not gonna happen...
VALID fear based on what she's told you.
so now is the hard choice... stay and risk it or leave and risk it. Remember both choices carry the risk of not having children. both choices may carry the risk of having children... only you can decide which risk to take.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): Thank you for your time to answer . It's not that the only thing I m looking in a woman is her ovaries, if that was the case I wouldn't be even start dating a woman almost my own age.
I don't think also having children is that much of a priority for my girlfriend. She expressed several time an opinion that many families nowadays don't even want any children at all. That worries me. This is what I call is a major disagreement. Though I do love her, her strong character and desire to have a brilliant career makes me think that children would never be a priority for her. This is why I have doubts. Of course there's no guarantee if I start looking for another partner in life I will find one, but I started having doubts now and it's not a good sign.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013):
I have this to add regarding fertility .. In my twenties my monthly just stopped I went for tests and everything can be great but no answer to where my monthly period had went too. We had our son by then and being honest I did not worry . Then at 35 my months returned and I fell pregnant healthy baby girl.. Then again three years later another healthy baby girl . Now I was told that due to them disappearing and now returning I have at least 10 years of being fertile ., oo jolly gee haha now your fiancée could be in the same boat so to speak who knows ..
Or maybe she is worried that she won't be able to have any and your need for them seems to out weighing the fact you have the girl of your dreams.. If she isn't then let her go. There ways adoption .. If you can't .. And at least make sure you know what you want before heading into marriage.. It's like a puppy marriage is not for Christmas it's for life.. Or should be..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 March 2013):
 One year is NOT going to make a big difference.
Wanting to get married and enjoy being husband and wife a little before starting to have kids is SMART and SENSIBLE.
My maternal grandmother had 4 kids at 28, 30 and twins at 40, all normal.
Chances for conception IS lower, not just because of her eggs, but your sperm too. The chance of many birth "defects" is also higher, that is true, but in this day and age there are ways to check for that and have a healthy pregnancy.
There are many studies out there that can prov having kids later in life is NOT always a bad thing.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2147848/Children-mothers-40-healthier-intelligent.html
http://www.wtop.com/267/2875692/Babies-born-to-older-moms-are-healthier-study-finds
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 March 2013):
I don't think it is so sinister that she wants to " postpone " . Maybe she wants first to be married, then pregnant, some people ,many in fact, still believe in doing things in this order :). Or maybe she just does not want a wedding gown with an empire-style waistline. Or to feel nauseous at her own wedding reception.
And it's not 6 more months, today is March 29th and they are getting married some time in July, so it will be 3 months and something, 4 at most if they want till the very end of July. She is not SO over the hill that 3 months or so may make all the difference.
Anyway, I do not discount what the anon female says, it is true that if the OP wants badly a family with children, it's not 100% realistic he can have it with his Gf.
But, it's as well not 100% realistic that he can have it as soon as he wants it with some other woman, because, where IS this woman ? He should meet her first, he should know her , trust her, like her enough to want to marry her ( even if he marries mostly to have a family, I hope for him that he would still need to be compatible and get along and sort of love each other, even if maybe not madly , otherwise he'll have a family but a lousy troubled one ). And the woman should feel the same. Not impossible but, it takes time, maybe years, he'd have to start all over again . With no guarantee to ever find the right person, or at least the person who wants the same. So that too is not 100% realistic.
Then again... anon female, maybe you have convinced me- perhaps he should let the current one go. I don't think the OP is a bad person for having this strong wish of paternity, but I think that if this is what motivates him to get married, he would make a bad husband. I really would not have liked to have been chosen and appreciated only for my reproductive potential, I would have found frankly shocking being considered worth something just as a babymaking machine- if I can conceive, I am good, if I can't conceive, I am useless. And I think that many women would feel the same. So if he lets this one go, at least she too has the chance to find someone else who will love HER, and not just her ovaries.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Wow this is quite insulting to all older women. Are you a fertility doctor? Do you know she will struggle to have kids?! My mum had me at 40, my friend had her first at 38 and has just had her second. Give the poor woman a chance before you declare her barren and old!!
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Adoption and surrogates are always an option. An expensive option, but an option nonetheless.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Option one: the natural way but time is running out. I think you would be better to consider option 2.
Option two: IVF is very expensive and may take a big emotional toll on your relationship. If you do want children and you want biological children with your girlfriend then every minute counts from now on. Get the test to see how far along she is with the time clock ticking towards Menopause. Some women start menopause in their 30s and others start later. But by 40 a women'sfertility has been declining for the previous five years.
Option three: There is also a procedure (also expensive) where a egg fertilized with your semen could be implanted in your girlfriend's women. The egg would be one donated to you by a younger woman and then fertilized in the laboratory and then implanted in your girlfriend.
Option four: And you could consider adoption of a child. Even that is not an easy option today as the pool of children available for adoption is small.
Whichever option you choose i wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): I think what OP worries the most is the fact that his girlfriends keeps on postponing a baby question. Some posts here are trying to diminish the importance of OPs desire to have children. And I think it's unfair. He knows what he wants and it's so important to him that , yes, he is willing to go as far as to look for another partner in life. We all marry for different reasons, not all marriages are based solely on some mad love. Especially at the age of 40 we pretty much know how it is, and marriage is not all about butterflies and roses. OP wants to have a family with children, and he doesn't think it's 100% realistic with his girlfriend. Her age is something to think about. The reality is that she has few uncertain years left, and the prognosis are not very optimistic. That's why most 25 years olds don't marry 42 years old women, because they know they will never see children from them. of course there is no guarantee that a 20 something year old will have children, but the chances are much greater with her than with a 39 years old. OP deserves to have what he really wants, children. And there is something to think here about. It doesn't make him a bad person to have doubts about this situation. Especially considering that a 10 years previous marriage of his girlfriend ended up childless.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 March 2013):
oops my ex married his SECOND wife... I was the first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): If you are asking us about fertility issue, then the answer will be, yes, your mother is correct. Woman's age is short fertility wise. By the age of 40 she is pretty muc exhausted her resources. There are of course women out there who do have babies at a later age and even after 40, but it considered of being a little miracle.My friend was also like your girlfriend a believer. At the age of 38 she was still talking about having 2 kids. I was telling her that she deffinitely needs to hurry up. She married a year later, like your girlfriend started working on it. After trying for a few months, she went to the doctor and had bad news, that she has hardly any ,good eggs , left. She was advised to start with fertility procedures. Many thousands of dollars later she couldn't conceive. Now she is 44, and she gave up on that idea. There is a time for childbearing, nature took care of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 March 2013):
I'm 53 and until about a year ago I had to pass a pregnancy test for several medical procedures. Having had my tubes tied at 31 I found this funny.
Of course women can conceive and have children at 39 and 40. It may be harder but it happens all the time. Many of them are OOPS babies... women who think they are in menopause but still ovulate and poof they are pregnant. I have one friend now... her baby is 10 and she just got a massive surprise.... Or my friend who was conceived on her parents 25th wedding anniversary trip.... her nearest aged sibling is old enough to be her mother...
Let me ask you this: if you don't marry her strictly because of her reproductive potential or lack thereof, who will you marry and when? What if you marry some 20 something thing and she's barren too?
My ex husband married his first wife in their 30s. She had never any reason to assume she was not fertile. She had 5 pregnancies. NONE kept. 2 natural and 3 invitro. All before age 40. They survived. And they are in an orthodox community where most families have 4-6 kids.
What will your criteria be for marrying... fertility only?
btw have you been checked? can you father a child? what if your sperm are lousy swimmers?
IF the ONLY reason you don't marry her is due to her inability to procreate I don't think you will be doing the right thing... and I'm a huge believer in Karma and I would not be surprised to see you with a barren 20 something or 30 something and her at 45 with a mess of kids....
As for adoption... you're getting up in age too for that... they do have limits on ages for adoption.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 March 2013):
What if you'll never have any kids ?...
Uhm, maybe you'll do without ? and cope somehow ? or maybe you'll adopt ?
Sorry, I don't want to sound unsympathetic , only I think it is illogic to ditch the woman you supposedly love and are ready to marry and spend the rest of your life with, for... for what exactly ?
What's your alternative, it's not like you have a young fertile 25 y.o. in the wings begging you to father her children.
You are 40, so it took you 20 years or more to find a woman you can love enough to marry ( and who can love you enough to marry you ) , if you ditch her, it's far from certain ( or even from probable ) that you'd find at once a younger woman who is fit to / wants to be your wife. And even if you 'd find her, - who tells you that she can have kids , are you going to submit her to fertility tests as a sort of pre-nup agreement, is she going to accept ?
What if, irony of destiny, it turns out that YOU are the infertile one ?
All in all, I'd say that you have to make up your mind, what counts more in life for you. If it's just breeding ,then maybe your current future wife is a bit of a risky bet. If it is living life with someone who makes you happy, then stay with her, and trust that you will find happiness, with biological kids, or adoptive ones, or no kids at all.
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