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I want both men but can't have them both!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2016)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have been married for 3 years, but the past year and a half, my husband completely neglected me and took me for granted. I tried my best to save our relationship by trying to go out more with him, talking to him, looking sexy for him, finding out what he likes etc. I have always been strong enough to fight against temptation from any man. I have been working with a coworker for the past year, and recently, I had sex with him. I cheated on my husband but I do not feel guilty. I told my husband that I have been falling for another man, that is when he decided to change himself. Right when he began to try harder, I stopped caring! The tables have turned and I want to fall back in love with my husband but it is so hard since my mind is clouded up with the thought of the other man. With the man I cheated with, we are emotionally attached, we text everyday and see each other everyday at work. I do not know what to do. My husband is not an asshole, he has never hurt me mentally or physically, so I do not know what to do! I tried to end it with the man I cheated with, but he was overly depressed and so was I. I also tried to end it with my husband, but obviously the damage would be destructive. I want both men but I cannot live with both! What do I do? I am so confused, a part of me wants to continue living day to day with my routine, but another part of me wants to be single and be free. I am just so scared to let go of everything my husband and I built.

View related questions: at work, cheated on my husband, co-worker, depressed, text

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (29 July 2016):

You seem to be mistaking cheating for something that isn't your fault and you are not to blame for. You seem to also be confusing texting daily and carrying on in the manner you are as not continuing to cheat.

So to be clear, the choice to cheat is yours alone and it is your fault, continuing the emotional affair is also your choice and therefore your fault.

Now, you describe a boring marriage. Not a neglectful one or an abusive one, simply one that is settled and a man who doesn't meet your needs. You've found fun and excitement elsewhere, but now seem to want tour cake and eat it as you are too scared of what you will loss material wise should the marriage end. You don't respect your husband. I don't believe you want to fall in love with him again at all, I think you want the settled comfortable life took knew before your affair, nit because of how you felt for your husband, but simply because you had a comfortable life and don't like change.

Your marriage seems over to me and if you pretend it isn't, and manage to 'resist temptation ' for a while, it won't last, because you are not happy, don't want your husband and the settled life, but don't have the balls to leave.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago + , writes (29 July 2016):

Ask both men about your situation, and let them figure out what to do.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Keep-up what you're doing until they both dump you.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntSo what has been happening in your husband’s life that might result in him not paying the attention to you that you feel you’e been denied?

You say you’ve always been strong enough to fight against temptation from any man, does this mean it’s been an ongoing struggle for you?

Why did you marry your husband?

Do you really want your husband? You state you’ve been completed neglected. Completed neglected is a terrible thing! He’s not spoken to you nor cared about your nor thought about you or your well-being. Completely neglected and taken you for granted. Why would you want to be with such a heartless, uncaring, unfeeling man? Wouldn’t it make more sense to separate and be with the man who clouds up your thoughts, to whom you are emotionally attached and who texts you all the time and sees you at work!

You wrote; “I also tried to end it with my husband, but obviously the damage would be destructive.” Well, damage is caused by destruction. And destruction causes damage. It’s a tautology. Look it up.

What have you built with your husband? A routine?

I think you have made an excellent case for separating to the end goal of divorce. You’ll be happier not being completely neglected and your ex-husband can move on and find someone who is more compatible with him?

Once you lose the horrible and awful baggage (as you seem to imply) of the man who completely and utterly neglects you, you’ll be free to find a man who meshes with you better. It might be the coworker or not but at least you won’t have to deal with the neglectful man who takes you for granted!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI guess a lot of people would say that this is karma for cheating on your husband. The worst of it is you blame your husband for your mistakes and that is not okay. He may have been a terrible husband but that means you leave him if the marriage is not working, not go out and have sex with another man, you should tell your husband about having sex with the other man, be honest and take some time out on your own to see who you want to be with. The best thing is distance yourself from both and see which one it is you miss the most. If that person then chooses to be with you also then you need to get rid of the other one. Not an easy decision to make I am aware of that, but it happens when you cheat on someone.

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