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I verbally abuse my boyfriend!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I verbally abuse my boyfriend and I am aware that it is wrong. However, I do it so he can pay attention to me. This time I did it while visiting his job. He ask me for a hug and I told him that I did not want to hug him. Then, I proceeded to tell him that we are over and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I told him we were over because a few weeks before this incident my intuition told me that he is cheating on me and purposely makes up excuses not to go on dates with me. I love him, and will accept if he does not want to date again. Question: how do I get ONE answer from him-on the topic of us continuing to date?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou went to his office and you embarrassed him AT work with your abuse.

I think the word is NO...

leave him alone.

do you think you do these things to elicit any sort of a response from a man who gives you minimal feedback?

if that's the case, let him go anyway he's not the right man for you.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 December 2014):

YouWish agony auntIt sounds like you broke up with him. You said you were over. You kicked him to the curb. Breakups are like bullets - they are a permanent solution. Even if there's getting back together, there's no calling back the extreme pain caused by those words you said. And you did it at his WORK?? Why on earth could you not wait? If you said "This time", does that mean you break up with him a lot?? That is EMOTIONAL abuse and ranks up there with withholding, put downs, silent treatment, verbally hitting below the belt, all of that.

Breakups are never ever to be used for attention. They are a Nuclear Event in a relationship, and should only be used if you mean it. You must not break up to get attention. You must not be mean for attention.

You may have done the right thing by breaking up with him if this was an issue you've been dealing with for awhile, him not wanting to go out with you. What I'm telling you is advice for the next time you get into a relationship, because if you do not have skills to communicate with your partner, then this will play out over and over and tear at your own soul.

Screaming, name-calling, hitting, pushing, and breakups will not get you what you want. Being honest and explaining how you feel AND NOT IN CODE is the best course of action.

For example, if you felt he was blowing you off, you talk to him and say "I'm feeling like you're abandoning me by not wanting to spend time going out with me. I miss you and care about you, so it hurts when it feels like you don't seem to feel the same". Any guy who has feelings will respond to that honesty and vulnerability. They won't respond to verbal bludgeoning any more than you'd respond to getting slapped in the face or the silent treatment.

Treat someone in a relationship the way you want to be treated. Who likes to guess what's wrong with their partner?? And, if there are issues where you were fighting over and over, then it's probably for the best that you stay broken up.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (30 December 2014):

Dear OP,

Your post sounds as if you are very confused about your feelings/intuitions sometimes, and as if you act impulsively and destructive, without getting anything that you want.

But also, I'm not convinced that you really understand what you are doing to others, because how you justify your verbal abuse sounds like you're not really able to empathize with your boyfriend.

At the moment, you are creating dysfunctional relationships, where the people you love will eventually leave you or fear you and secretely hate you. And that's a reason why you should see a therapist, to work on creating better relationships.

Instead of answering your question, I want to tell you that your boyfriend must be hurt. YOU broke up with him. Instead of getting him to answer and pushing him again with questions, I think it would be your turn to apologize and explain your problem. Or to leave him alone, because your break-up scene, at his workplace, was horrible.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (30 December 2014):

At the end of the day you are your own enemy. An intuition is poor excuse to mistreat someone, irregardless of who they are. If you are finding the relationship is not working out, I think talking this out is the best answer and if that doesn't work then I do believe just ending things is fine.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

If he hit you, because he wanted you to pay attention to him, would that be okay? Just leave him alone and stop torturing him with cruel behaviour. This sounds like a very unstable and unhealthy relationship and maybe you should think about what issues have made you act like this and get help.

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