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Have I ruined my chance of turning this FWB into something more?

Tagged as: Friends with Benefits, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2014) 10 Answers - (Newest, 2 January 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Ok so I've had a fwb recently and it was all pretty normal like only texting to talk times unless last week I went to a party where he was there as well as my ex boyfriend (we went out years ago and now we're pretty close friends as he was a girlfriend so there's no weirdness) and spent most of the party talking to him and our friends but then me and him split off for a chat and before long my fwb( who was also his best friend) came out to "check on". I didn't think that much of it as he was probably just looking out for his best friend as we were both pretty drunk. Anyway Christmas day he texts me asking how my christmas and if I got him a present was which is strange. Then he told me I looked hot at the party and asked where I stood with us. Confused I told him that it's just sex although I'm not so sure that's how I really feel. Then he said cool and asked me what's going on with me and his best friend. I told him nothing but he didn't seem to entirely believe me and before I could be express my hurt that he thought I would do that he said night. Anyway for ever since we've talked everyday but yesterday I bought up that I was hurt by his assumption that something had happened and that even if it did it wasn't his business what I did with other guys to which he said "is it not?" And I said no I don't ask about you and then he said haha ok. Have I just destroyed any chance of it turning into something more and if not how do I fix it?

View related questions: best friend, christmas, drunk, my ex, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015):

Your question itself is another proof that FWB doesn't work most of the time for women. Especially at your tender age.

You still think of the guy you are FWB as potential boyfriend. Though you are only 18 and this whole life is ahead of you, you still feel like you like the guy and you are wondering what IF....

I wish all girls that are still growing up and only starting their sexual experience and enter dating world stop doing this : FWB. Male anon.is right: stop sleeping with guys thinking he will want a relationship, and stop doint it to yourself thinking that this is what you ALSo want: FWB and you are ok with condition that comes with it. And stop trying to be equal to men in this respect. Because you are not a guy, you are a girl, and there is no equality here when it comes to sex.,

He is snooping around not because he has feelings with you he is snooping around for only one reason: is he still be getting it.,this is all he is interested in.

I don't think you have any chance to turn it around.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntFWIW for the newbies that don't know... my current hubby was my FWB/NSA and I was the one that had to be convinced we were more than that.

so yes FWB CAN be more than FWB but it's NOT common and usually it is the females that get hurt more.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

FWB is for those who don't want relationships OP.

If he wanted a relationship he would have asked you to be his girlfriend. Feel free to tell him how you feel about him. He'll probably get weirded out since he thought you were ok with casual.

Next time you like someone, don't be FWB - date them.

FWB start as FWB under the understanding that that is all there is to it

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOP, I am a 54 year old woman who totally understands and gets FWB for women. NOT so much teens wanting to lose their virginity but in general.

Some of the guys here tend to bring their own morality and judgment to the FWB questions.

The best thing to do is sit him down calmly over a cup of coffee or something and TALK TO HIM about it like you talked to us about it.

you could even write it in a letter and sit and let him read it while you wait if you think you would get tongue tied...

THE BEST THING to do is CLEAR the AIR and figure it out now. wondering and worrying and guessing only will make it more awkward.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

You have no chances in turning this FWB into anything more than just sex irrespective of what you answered. There are few reasons why. First, no guy wants to be attached romantically to his best friends "sexual discard" but they will gladly attach to the discard so that they can enjoy the sex. Second, the reason why he was snooping around about you and your ex is to evaluate whether he will keep getting sex from you or whether you will cut him off. Whatever you told him confirmed that you will supply him with sex, which is all he cares about in a FWB relationship. If you want anything more, like a real relationship, you must exit the FWB scene which means basically dumping your FWB and your ex and look for a new guy who isn't associated with any of them. As others have pointed here, this is not about morals but about practicality of things and FWB is not an arrangement to hatch a steady, loving BF. FWB is just sex except, unlike prostitution, you don't pay for it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

@ Peppe:

Women can avoid those kinds of harmful FWBs easily. All they have to do is stop trying to use their own bodies to trick someone else into a relationship.

Those harmful FWBs don't happen because men won't treat women right. Those FWBs happen because women won't settle for the men who do treat them right. When is the last time you saw a hot sexy #9 woman being used for sex by a #4 guy?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

Op here (again) I'm sorry for my outburst earlier, it wasn't fair on you guys as your all here to help. It's my fault for not clearing up a few things. Firstly I mentioned that I suggested a fwb but really it started because we were both Virgins and next year we would both be going off to uni and I didnt want to lose it drunk with a stranger. So it started just me wanting to do it with someone I trusted, then understandably it wasn't great so we sort of laughed about it and did it some more. It was just us sort of exploring things. I just don't want to all to have negative opinions of him, it was less of a booty call more friends we just weren't all that into texting more talking in real life. The second thing I'd like to clear up is that when we asked me whether I wanted more I was scared, he'd suddenly brought it up and I didn't want to lose him but asking for more. It was stupid and I should have told him the truth but what's done is done and I can't change it. In response to me not wanting to know if he'd been with anyone else; I was angry at him for thinking id get with a guy with a girlfriend and also although i was jealous I didn't want the details if he had. So yeah I suppose my question seemed like I don't like him but I do, obviously I don't love him I'm only 18 but all I want to know is if it's too late to tell him

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (31 December 2014):

Reading your post and your follow-up, regardless of whether or not you choose to get angry with the posters for their views and assumptions, it’s hard to deny that FWBs simply don’t work because boundaries are so blurred and confused. Sex is such an intimate act that it’s pretty tough to keep the emotion out of it indefinitely. I have no idea if he thinks he’s got a right to comment on you and his best friend’s relationship because he’s actually got deeper feelings for you, or because he’s jealous by the thought you might fancy some-one else more than him. Actually, it doesn’t matter, because all it does is show the confusion and unhappiness FWBs cause. This isn’t about lecturing anyone on morality, as you describe, but rather a community of people who’ve been advising for rather a long time, who’ve all seen this story play out hundreds of times before with FWBs. We do get more posts from women who have developed deeper feelings for the man, or who are hurt when he eventually moves on, even though of course they’ve no right to be upset. However I’m sure it could work the other way. The fact is, I don’t think you’re in love with him, otherwise you wouldn’t object to his apparent unease about you spending time with an ex. You ask about it turning in to something more but if the understanding was that it was just sex, who’s to say your idea of something more is the same as his? He might feel something for you but it’s not going to be reciprocated, so if you don’t want to be with him why put up with him expecting the exclusivity of a girlfriend from you? You might say you do want him but I don’t think you’d have suggested FWB if that were really so. Just finish it and move on.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

Op here I'm sorry my question wasn't the morality of this friendship. Why is it that I'm being "used" here just because I'm a girl? Would you say the same thing if i was in the same situation but a guy. Why is it that your telling me I'm not allowed to want sex and that ive been tricked by his "honesty". It was my idea and I don't appreciate your lecture on morality.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (30 December 2014):

Dear OP,

Before you want to fix it.. do you really want to turn this into something more? Because you don't sound as if you were in love with your fwb.

If you're "not so sure" about how you feel with a guy that you have sex with.. you're probably NOT in love. Because if you were, you'd probably be dreaming about a relationship, waiting the whole time for his sms, feeling frustrated about the arrangement, getting jealous and wanting to know if you're the only one in his life.

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