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I thought we were in a committed relationship, but he's been dating someone else while dating me.

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 5 December 2012)
A female age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have been dating a man for 9 months now. All along I have considered this a serious, mognogamous relationship. I recently found out that until about a month ago he had been dating another woman as well. I was crushed, but he said until now he wasn't in a serious relationship. We had talked about this before, and he always asured me that I was the only one. The only reason it even came out was because I found text messages between the two of them. He swears that its over between them and He chose me. He is now in a commited relationship with me and would never cheat. He said he only dated this other girl because he thought I was dating others as well. (not sure why he thought that, cause I told him he was the only one) My issue now is TRUST! I'm always wondering if he still has contact with her. Any ideas on what I should do?

View related questions: crush, text

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A male reader, human_male New Zealand +, writes (5 December 2012):

human_male agony auntYeah what Dear_Mandy said. Dump him and move on.

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A female reader, Dear Mandy United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2012):

Dear Mandy agony auntSimple answer.....tell him to go F**K himself!

Mandy x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012):

I'm sorry, but how did he think that you were dating other people when, "We had talked about this before, and he always asured me that I was the only one". I'm sure somewhere in there you mentioned he was the only one too.

This man is lieing. He cheated on you dear. He is now spinning things around to get out of a sticky situation. A situation you would not have known about if you hadn't found those texts.

It doesn't matter why it ended with the other woman. For all you know he'll start dating someone else on the side and in 8 months it'll be over with you. You cannot trust him. He is all words, no integrity or honor.

Stop having sex with him - it bonds you to him. You need to see this situation clearly. He didn't CHOOSE YOU (wow what a privilege), he CHEATED on you. If not specifically spoken, there was no dought he implied you two were monogomous.

Did any of these happen:

1. He introduced you to friends/family as his girlfriend?

2. He said I love you?

3. He assured you're the only one he's seeing?

4. He spoke a future or family with you?

5. You two had sex?

6. You two spent a great deal of time together?

The more you can answer yes too, the more monogomous this relationship was. He was just getting thrills on the side also.

Don't let any excuses sway you: He was confused, he wasn't sure about you, he didn't realize you were monogomous. It's all words. Look at his actions. They speak very loudly. If he can go from having sex with you, telling you he loves you and making plans to go for dinner friday night with another couple - then there was every implication you two were monogmous.

Don't waste time on this one. What you had is over. You can't get the old him/relationship/trust back. How sick of him to be loving you and also having sex/dates with another woman. How unfair and disrespectful to you.

Let this fish go dear. He's not worth it.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (5 December 2012):

YouWish agony auntOh yes. This one is very simple. Here are the questions:

1. Is your relationship sexual?

2. Did he tell you that he was dating other people while he was dating you?

3. Did he tell HER that he was dating you while he was seeing her?

4. Were you both using the "L" word when talking to each other?

If any of these answers were "yes", then this guy is a cheater. Don't get hung up on semantics, as in "We never talking about being exclusive specifically" because there are events that imply and infer an exclusive relationship. The biggest one being sex. If you both had a regular sexual relationship, then there is no excuse, and his explanation rings hollow. Also, after 9 months, if you and/or he were saying "I love you" to each other, then it's by default exclusive. Even if YOU were saying "I love you" and he wasn't, if he didn't come clean immediately with the fact that he was dating other people after you said it, then he was inferring exclusivity by accepting your love.

Now, think about what he said on the text messages to the other girl. Did he tell her that he loved her? Was their relationship sexual, and most importantly, did she know about you?? This is the damning part. If he led her to believe she was the only one, then he is a cheater on that basis alone. Who knows who else is out there.

This guy is a lying ass dog. You can't trust him. He is a cheater. This whole "It's over and NOW we're in the committed relationship" is utter crap, because had he said that in the first or second month before the two of you became sexual, it might have merit. But 9 months with you and 8 months with her after you both have had sex is a lying cheater.

Don't allow your emotions to cloud the truth. It's easy to get into denial because all of your love-bonding chemicals are making you do what your intellect, intelligence, and pure honor are telling you not to. This guy is no good.

Let me say it one more time:

This. Guy. Is. No. Good.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (5 December 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntSince you two had already had the I'm only dating one person talk I agree with the others.. time to let this one go.

IF you had NOT had the "exclusive" talk, then I might give him a chance... BUT since he told you you were the only one and you were not HE LIED.

Since he lied you will never trust him again.

Since he cheated you will never trust him again

Since you will never trust him again, why bother?

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A female reader, ImmortalPrincess United States +, writes (5 December 2012):

ImmortalPrincess agony auntSave yourself some heartache down the road, and kick this one to the curb. That type of deception, this early in a relationship, is a major red flag. not to mention the fact that when you caught him, instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he turned it around on you.

Sooner or later, he'll do this again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

AuntyEm, you are right. How could I fall for that crap? I just called him and in the same slimey fashion that he is a custom to, broke up with him. I was thinking he could be the one. WOW, it's funny how you can make yourself believe you are not worth anythng. Strangely enough, I'm not even upset. I am older but there is someone out there for me, and if not........I will make the best out of it.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntBlimey I have heard it all now!!!

So he's been two timing you for the whole time you have been with him...you find out whats going on and suddenly he's telling you he's ended with her and chosen you!!!...Lucky old you!!!

Not to mention accusing you of dating others (a grotty lame excuse to justify his own lies and cover his arse)

Not only has he damaged the trust, he's stomped on it, stabbed it, set it on fire and launched it out the window!!!

My advice would be to dump him and move on but (with all due respect)you're a woman of a certain age who probably doesn't think anyone else better will come along in your lifetime, so you will chug down the bullshit with a side order of 'but I love him' and simultaniously mistrust him and blame yourself for ever more.

He, on the other hand will continue to cheat and lie...after all he's gotten away with it up to now hasn't he, so a few sweet word and a little mis direction should appease you so he can get back to doing what he does best...being a lying scumbag!!!

Please tell me I am wrong.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 December 2012):

Honeypie agony auntLet me get this straight... So for the FIRST 8 months with this guy he was dating two girls? And not telling you til you found out yourself?

I'm sorry I would call his BS. If you two had ALREADY decided and had the "exclusive" talk, he shouldn't still be seeing others.

And HE has chosen you? Are you really sure you WANT to be with this guy?

And, no honey, he didn't think you were dating other guys, that was just the best excuse he could come up with at the time.

Time to reevaluate this guy and the relationship.

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