A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for a about a year and a half. We dated for three years prior to that and we have a one year old son. She found an old crush on myspace and they have been talking regularly. I've logged into her myspace account and I've read the messages between them and they make me furious. She never dated this guy, he was one that "got away" but they always had feelings for each other. They flirt A LOT and discuss intimate details of our sex life. On a recent trip to her home town, she had the opportunity to see him. She wanted to meet him for lunch and she asked me if I minded. I did mind, but I didn't want to come off as a jealous jerk, so I said it was ok. Well, the two of them chatted about where to go and joked that they needed to find a babysitter and a motel. All of this infuriated me, but I haven't confronted her because I'm the one going through her email behind her back. After their "date" they both talked about it being weird and that they wanted to kiss but didn't want to kiss at the same time.She went back to her home town (about 8 hours away) again to help her mother out and without telling me, planned another "date". I got her to fess up to that by simply asking what her plans were. She casually mentioned it was this guys birthday and she might swing by to wish him happy birthday. It turns out they went to lunch again and hung out afterwards and she remarked about how watching him hold MY son gave her warm feelings all over again. I think this is highly inappropriate behavior from a married woman. She even admitted her guilty feelings to him and remarked that if she ever came to visit him, she doesn't know if she'd be able to control herself.Should I confront her on this? I want to scream, I'm so upset.
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crush, flirt, jealous, married woman, myspace, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): OMG!!!!!
Are you serious???? This is totally unacceptable of her. Why do you even tolarate it? You need to get out of this marriage NOW! Beleive me I am a woman and what she is doing is NOT right at all. Listen to TOM LYKUS, let me tell you everything he says about most women is right on. Go to his website blowmeup.com
And learn these three letters DTB = Dump That B----
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I don't agree with any of the people here who are complaining about you going thru her emails or her account.YES! YES! YES!, this behavior is truly disrespectful and is very very inappropriate!You are not the jealous type and allowed her with your permission to go to lunch with this guy...ok cool, but she violated this trust by sneaking off...supposedly for his birthday as a surprise? What was she going to get him for his birthday.....a surprise blowjob???I'm not trusting her as my wife now......despite that this guy may move away, she has already violated the trust!I'm a guy who likes to be, 100% correct and factual about anything, so I would never accuse her of being unfaithful,but a woman must never give the appearance of any wrong doing or underhanded activities....so I would leave this woman for betraying my faith and trust in her and I would take care of our child....from afar! Just my opinion and should not be taken as a cure all....just what I would do if I was in your situation. Good luck to you and take care
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 I think so to leaving it at that...given what you written here, what do you have to gain by bringing it out, realistically...sure you will get to vent some of your emotions which might make you feel a bit better in the short term but will it achieve anything?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): reading all this makes me wonder, so far she has been open and honest about chatting to this friend and meeting him, she hasnt attempted to hide anything from you including the content of her email, u clearly have easy access to this and she is making no attempt to delete these messages or to keep her password to the accounts secret from you, could it be that perhaps she wants you to read them in order to provoke a reaction from you, perhaps she feels there is something lacking at home and wants to shock you into changing this before it is too late, i would almost certainly tell her i had read them and ask her why she feels the need to be flirtatious with this other man. you dont say if what she writes about your sex life is positive about u or negative. i wish you well and hope things work out for you all xx
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A
female
reader, AprilsMe +, writes (27 February 2008):
 "Listen to your heart, head, and feelings."I went through something like that but with my boyfriend and facebook. When I read his emails sure I flipped out a little then I confronted him... after talking about it with, he and I got through it.I think you should just put your feeling out on the table and the both of you talk about it for a while. Its not good to bottle your feelings away. Trust me i know.Anywho, I hope good things will happen for you and whatever your choice maybe...I support you.I support anyone who is apart of this site, it takes alot to share a story.GOOD LUCK!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me clarify a couple of things.
I ended up in her myspace by mistake. It was logged in and we both have similar photos of our son as our profile image. I went right to the inbox and that's when I saw the messages. I didn't seek out to start spying on her, but I opened that door.
I was at home, working while she took a week to visit her family. I couldn't have been there even if I wanted to. In all fairness, this guy is the one that initiates most of the flirtatious banter. She deflects some of it, and engages in some of it. She knows what she's doing is wrong because she's told him that if I had the same kind of relationship with a girl that she has with him, she'd be furious.
He's moving to another state soon and more than likely they won't be seeing each other again for a while. She has no other reason, like family, to go where he's moving.
Should I just leave it at that? That it was just a bit of "what if" day dreaming about the one that got away? I know i've thought about girls I dated before. We're friends with one of those girls I've thought about, but I've never talked to the girl about it ever.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (27 February 2008):
Well I think other people have pretty much covered it...my concern about a confrontation was that she would be alienated further. Having said that, and I think this has been said elsewhere, the question arises that if things are so great why did you feel the need to do this in the first place??
To get to the bottom of this you do need to communicate with her and in that vein I agree with the others; you need to bring this out into the open but be careful how you do...dont make it a confrontation just a heart to heart like has been suggested. If she is seeking it out then there must be a reason. Good luck :).
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 I think your wife is playing with fire and blatantly so, right under your nose. But next time, you need to be honest and if you're uncomfortable with her meeting someone, anyone for a lunch date then say so. Don't be so macho and then let it burn you up later. I also think you should have gone with her to this so-called reunion. Maybe if you met the guy, you'd feel better, plus your being there would keep things from going too far. You should sit her down and tell her how you feel and hopefully the next time she decides to pop back to her hometown, you will be accompanying her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, thank you.
I discovered the myspace thing when I tried to get into my account and hers was already logged in. I went right to my inbox without realizing and that's where I saw the email. Since then, I've been keeping an eye on it. I know it's not right, but what am I supposed to do. The pandora's box is open now and I can't just ignore it.
Until now, she's never ever given me a reason to no trust her. That's what's so shocking in all of this. I think you do have a point about her feeling like a mom. She's a stay at home mom and our son, although very easy so far, is in his terrible two's phase and is becoming more precocious. I know he's our son, and not just MY son. That was for emphasis. The fact that she gets warm feelings from watching another man with our son. It's incredibly emasculating and just absolutely wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Okay, deep breaths...
I don't know what's going on in her mind, but a few thoughts that spring to mind follow here. She may be feeling unattractive and this man makes her feel single and available and not like a 'mom.' She may be finding motherhood so demanding that she wants someone to find her interesting for herself and give her a little romance. She's going back in time to a place where she was not in charge of the house and a one year old and being 'tied down.' Again, I don't know what's she's feeling, or how she's spending the majority of her day or what demands she thinks she's facing; these are just some guesses on my part.
You obviously are suspicious of her or you wouldn't have been keeping an eye on her emails and her myspace account. Is this part of a pattern on her part and on yours?
You have a couple of options, I think, but first, you need to accept your anger and then decide what you want for yourself and your relationship.
You could confront her in anger and demand an immediate accounting--this may lead to recriminations and then a further withdrawal on her part. You could think about what it was that brought you two together in the first place and focus on those; try to recapture some of those feelings. I've never had children so I really don't know how having them changes the dynamic of a relationship, but I've observed that it exhausts people and pulls a lot of the romance out of the couple, due to all the demands a child brings.
You could try to find a babysitter one night, cook or bring in dinner, and have a calm talk with her about how you're feeling in the relationship. You could say you feel that she's become a bit distant, and that you love her so deeply that you're concerned you're losing her. That you want her to be happy with the marriage and that you love all the ways she's a wife to you and and a mother to the son you have together (he's not just YOUR son, he's hers too).
You could let this go on, keeping an eye on the emails and make yourself angrier and angrier.
I think it boils down to the two of you having a heart-to-heart talk. Either in anger or in love, but you have to decide which it will be.
I don't think she's doing herself any favors by flirting or by sharing the intimate details of your sex life with this old flame. But she's obviously missing some intimacy with you, or I don't think she'd have time for him otherwise. I'm not saying it's your fault, by the way! It is inappropriate, it is potentially threatening to your relationship, but...I think it can be something that will not permanently damage your relationship.
You have the insight into what you want, you know where you are. You have some clues to what she's thinking, and that's all it's been at this point--right? No actual physical affair, but definitely some emotional cheating...
Try to take deep breaths, stay calm and think about how you want this all to end up...
All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): YES, CONFRONT HER!THEN,FILE FOR DIVORCE!!!I caught my ex texting a guy,found out later the advice he was giving was to leave me and move in with him.I have lost a lot of money,but met a true honest girl and now I see how unhappy I was with my ex.I still have to convince a judge that my kids need to be supervised when with my ex.Then things will be perfect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing. We are in a great place in our relationship. Our sex life isn't super great, but we've been both making strides. She says all the time how unbelievably happy she is with her life. It makes me wonder what she's still looking for. We go on dates just the two of us, I bring her flowers, and send her "Miss You" cards. I cook and clean for her and I love her very much. I just don't know why she still needs to talk to this guy in such an intimate way.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (27 February 2008):
Well you are right, this is wrong but then again so is violating her privacy and going through her emails and two wrongs dont make a right. Sooo...you could confront her but you run the very real risk that you will alienate her by violating her trust; then you will fight and it will be messy because neither of you is particularly in the right.
A more innovative approace might be to channel your feelings in a different direction, towards romancing her and making her remember why she fell for you in the first place. You will probably find that she will confess things of her own free will and you will find that you can work through this together rather than taking the most obnvious and potentially very destructive route. Good luck.
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