A
male
age
41-50,
*eed
writes:For the first 10 years of marriage my wife hasn't been sexual at all. She new absolutly nothing at all about sex and could care less about learning anything new. Of course she couldn't have an orgasm. She did do her wifely duties and would spread her legs when required but that was about all of it. And of course she hated being naked. She absolutely refused to try a vibrator since I think she thought it was of the devil. I bought her a dildo shaped vibrator and I thought she would die when I put it in her. Finally I talked her into a non-dildo vibrator and she had one. And 9-10 years later she'll have an orgasm and I'm basically on the side line with nothing really to do.So the question I have for the majority of ladies (sorry to quantify it like that but I think most woman fall in this category) is why do you think it is ok not to take an initiative and learn all you can to make your sex life better. I think there is a huge problem of woman simply spreading there legs and thinking that is all that is required of them. Any thoughts?
View related questions:
dildo, orgasm, sex life, vibrator Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, themisses +, writes (6 February 2010):
If you've been married for 10 years you can't expect her to change over night. Answer me this how is ur relationship outside of the bedroom??? Besides trying to shove things inside of her have you asked her what she would enjoy? Some women I know can't orgasm from penetration. Try stimulating her with oral sex or massaging her clitoris.personally I enjoy sex and learn as much about it as possible. Its one of the strongest connections couples make. " we want it just as much as you do".. A movie says. Order some things you like and show her the site. Watch movies both romantic movies and porn together. It might help her to see what other women do in bed. She might take some initiative. Hope this helps.most of all be a loving husband. And stop referring to her as doing her wifely duties. That's just degrading.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 opps..Sorry wrong post...:(
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
Quick note heed to say I like your style... Your a very clever man, like a said before. You see a problem, and you bring out the big guns to get it sorted. Taking her to dinner, remembering previous problems, thinking about counselling... hahahaaha.. your almost gonna make me believe you are perfect and it's all her fault.. :)
Hope everything goes well. You've done more than any of us aunts and uncles would have suggested. Your serious about your marriage, and you want to make her happy..so I'm wishing you good luck and hope she can see how hard you try.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mystery Girl +, writes (2 February 2010):
hi. i'm 18 and i see things from both perspectives. I read some of the posts and I think i know what her problem might be.....She might not want to explore because she is insecure about her body. Maybe she feels that she isn't physically attractive enough to try something new or have any desire to. She might also feel 'uncleansed', 'used', 'dirty' because it seems like she doesn't have interest because she thinks its a sin or maybe her sex drive has fallin. If you need to just try to ask her when she is in a calm mood that she means everything to you and give her importance. With that maybe she will feel more confident and cared for. I also just got a thought... maybe she feels like since you've tried giving her things like vibrators and stuff that your trying to replace something of her with the toy. Maybe you should just hint to her or say that when you two have sex that you would like a lil spice or variety. Don't give her the thought that she isn't satisfying. Just give her enough to where she feels confident enough to explore a lil more. About the sexual stuff being evil and stuff... maybe you can try to show her the cons and pros to it and how it's not everything to you but there is a need for it. let me know if this helps. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): I feel for you man but I got lucky since my wife has always been into sex. I think there really is very little excuse for any woman to not educate herself about sex. Why they do this? I have no idea. I've wondered about the how many divorces have occured where the wife makes the husband feel like a god in bed. My guess is that it is pretty low.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): When you say 'women', you actually mean your wife, darling you're making a question that's personal to you and projecting it onto all the female race just because you are unsatisfied.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 February 2010):
 You will not like my thought here. And of course, I may be wrong. It's loss of interest. Something is wrong, but we can't know what it is. My cure for this, on those occasions it did happen, has always been to massage her body, lick her lovingly (below) and give a nice G-spot rub until she has enjoyed several shuddering orgasms. Has always worked for me, and she should thereafter want much more of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, heed +, writes (1 February 2010):
heed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks StraightTalker for your insightfull response.
The responses have been very interesting but I still looking for an answer to the question. This question has nothing to do with me but with my wife since I'm trying to understand what is going on in her head. So let me try re-asking the question. I'm trying to understand why, for those women who are not interested in making their sex life better, they don't desire to learn more to improve their sex life. Since most people here probably aren't like this I'd love to her from someone who has been intereted in learning new things or know of someone like this.
I'm an engineer (no engineer jokes are required) so my entire brain is wired to solve problems so this issue with my wife has about killed me. If I see a problem I typically can't stop until I find a solution and my wife really doesn't care. I guess this question could be likened to being overweight and why they can't just stop eating and start exercising. I think this question is a lot deeper. Before my wife had an orgasm she really could care less about having one. Now that she can have them she definately likes them. So we are in the same rut where she could care less about what she is missing since she doesn't know what she is missing.
This is quite the loaded question and there probably really is no answer but if anyone has some insight I would be greatful.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
Exactly Ms anonymous.. and also it's important to keep a clean house. Dishes, washing, cleaning the toilet, all these silly things can play on a woman's mind and make it impossible for her to relax and have fun. Are you helping enough arround the house husband.
There are a 101 reasons why a woman puts sex last. Q1605 has tried to explain some of the hurdles we women have to overcome, they are very real and not excuses, decades of brain washing means that it's much harder for us to be like men and forget everything and just enjoy being sexual with our partners. I think most women will agree with that, and that's the answer to why SOME women just lie back and recive rather than joining in and revealing their dark deep desires. However, many of us have learnt to push the disapproving voices out of the bedroom, but we still need help to relax and enjoy from men that are sensitive enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): HIWhen a woman doesn't respond to sex at all, she isn't doing so to irk you or something. We enjoy sex (provided it is enjoyable)as much as the men. And when a woman is not at all interested ,there are deeper issues. For us, the technique of love-making is just as important as love, honor, respect and cherish. Do a little introspection. See if there is enough of the affection and understanding and touch outside the bedroom?Just a suggestion. And I am not blaming either of you, but since you both would like things to get better, so why not spot the root of the problem. Not wanting sex is merely a symptom, not the problem. Keep us posted Love
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Yeah, Miamine, that's right. My wife and I were out this morning for some exercise and grocery shopping and we discussed this a little. We both had the same thought though. If the OP continues to tell her to go learn about sex, she just might decide to go elsewhere to get some practice and pointers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
Yes trouble, perhaps working together is the way. I just thought she might be embarrassed or feel inadequate with the husband along. But she'll need him, who else is she gonna practice on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. We have had many years of good times and some where things weren't working that well. If we didn't discuss our problems or just accused the other then we wouldn't work things out. When we communicated and let the other know our feelings and talked about problems in a understanding manner then things were good. Civil communication is key in any relationship. No relationship is going to be problem free.
My wife was my second sexual partner and I was about her 12th. She really didn't learn that much with those guys after her first husband. Most of the time she just spread her legs and did what she thought she was supposed to do. She loved sex, liked foreplay and was very affectionate and that was enough for me at the time. We both decided that we needed to learn more about sex. The thing to get back then was "The Joy of Sex" book. Now there are better books and the SexInfo101 site that Miamine recommended.
We didn't send each other off with a copy of The Joy of Sex and then ask, "What did you learn this week?" We read it together and discussed what we thought sounded like fun. We tried a lot of things. Some worked out great and some one or the other didn't like. In the middle years of our relationship/marriage, we didn't try new things much. Things were pretty good and we were happy, but it could have been better. The past couple of years we are again experimenting and trying new things, some perhaps a bit kinky.
Learning sex is like learning a subject in school. Learning in a discussion group with a teacher is better than just sitting in a lecture. Solving a technical problem at work is best done by sending your 2 top technical people to a room to work out a problem rather than telling them to go off alone for a week and report back with individual solutions. Working out problems in a relationship, including sexual problems, are best done by the 2 people talking and learning together.
So you think that the answers you got were not answering what you asked. Well, no, many or most weren't. However, what's to say that you asked the right question in the first place? When there are problems in a relationship, it is natural to blame the other person. No one wants to admit that they might be part of the problem. We want to know what is wrong with our partner instead of what are we doing wrong. It is extremely rare for a problem to be a 100-0 split. Perhaps 90-10 occasionally, but I'd bet it is more likely 70-30 most times. I know that is the case with my 2 marriages. In my first marriage, the 70% was mostly me. In the current one, we share. You are talking like this is 100% her problem. I seriously doubt that. I won't argue that it might be 80% her problem, although none of us know the entire story. We only have heard it from you, not her. There is always a second story and it rarely exactly mimics the other one. Problems are solved best when we ask ourselves, "What might I also be doing wrong?" We rarely do that and I have been guilty of that many times. Once we learn to think about both sides, we find it easier to solve a problem. Once we discuss and learn together, we progress mush better than if we go off alone to learn.
I also like Q's answer. Search this board and others and read the stories about the men (and women to a lesser extent) who complain about their partners not wanting sex at all. One would start to think that just getting any sex is a blessing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
I gave you that sex101 website.. she says she's interested in learning.. take my suggestion, ask her to find some game in their that you two can share... but the others are right, you don't seem to know much about what goes on in this woman's head. You need to talk about the whole sex issue and find out what is holding her back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
All I can glean from your post is that you have a woman living with you who fulfils her 'duties' with no passion or interest, and that you 'take care of her'. You are often trying to insert things into her/stimulate her/try to get her to do things that she still to this day isn't interested in. This is what I hear. (Ms anonymous)
That's what I'm reading too, and I've got the same questions as you. Wonder if she's tired, is she religious, has she been abused, is she a lesbian, is she in love with someone else, did her parents tell her sex was bad. Tons and tons of reasons why a woman might feel uneasy in sex....
As for the vibrating thing... small fist... I don't like vibrators, if that's the type of thing your doing to teach her, maybe it's no wonder that she's unwilling to get more adventurous.
You know 51% of the women are bad in bed, and you calculate 49% of the men are bad. Well, like Troubletoomuch has said, maybe your one of the best lovers living with one of the worst. I do however wonder where you get these statistics from. Multiple locations throughout the USA... mmm... your country has a lot of religion. Personally I'm from the UK and other people here are from other parts of the world.
All the women I know, have educated themselves about sex, and dropped most of their hangups. Women of all ages in my company look at pornography, find sex in strange locations fun, are always asking me for techniques and tips to turn their lovers on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Based on your new response, I don't know what to tell you. I can't actually fathom this anymore. There's a huge blindspot. How does she 'learn?' Personally, I've only learned from lovers, in real time and in real experience. I don't spend my time studying up on it out of a bedroom, really. You can learn more I guess, by researching the basics of anatomy and different positions, and whatnot, but memorization of what works and does not work is not the key, really. It's the closeness that is the best teacher, I'd have to say. It looks like it might be time for an ultimatum. You haven't really answered most of my older questions, but I don't care anymore. What's the deal with her and the deal with you? Really? Since I don't really know and I have to go with the little I am understanding here, I'd say you either get a mistress soon,
or get into counseling with this chick. But first off, tell her that this just isn't going to work for you anymore as it is, and ask if she thinks it will ever change. I can't imagine being with someone who is like this really. And I can't imagine being a woman who can't see how desperate her husband might be, and I can't really imagine being a husband who can't get this simple thing through to his wife. It's the equivalent for a female to be sitting on the edge of a bed watching a guy masturbate every night and then give her a kiss goodnite after he's done, and not much else. I guess I don't understand why you got married in the first place? Not that marriage is only based on sex, but that two people would unite when they have so little in common particularly over this one issue, and maybe more that I am not hearing about here. Sometimes sex is all people have in common, and sometimes a difficulty in sexual communion points to a bigger emotional problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, heed +, writes (31 January 2010):
heed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have asked her why she isn't interested in educating herself about sex and she replies that she does. So I asked her what she has learned and she can't come up with a single thing.
I would agree about the magic wand and desensitizing her clitorus but she won't try anything else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Okay, so you have tried many things with her. She does not reciprocate. That wand you're talking about actually could desensitize her over time. Hardcore vibration can have a numbing effect. There's not just one magical fixed spot that can be lost. The clit never becomes completely useless and numb.
Her unwillingness to actively participate is why she can't feel more down there. Again, you know her better than anyone here, so try to think about her in the context of her perspective. How was she brought up? Religiously? Was she ever molested? Is she expressive with her body, outside of the bedroom? She may just be the type who doesn't get into sex for no exact reason other than it doesn't suit her personality. It could be her upbringing. Does she really love you? Sorry to ask, but do you really love her? ...Sorry to ask, but is she a 'trophy wife'? Were you guys at all mutually passionate about one another at least near the beginning of the relationship, and was it actually real? Is she employed or is her job to just 'fulfill the wifely duties' and all that entails out of the bedroom as well as 'spreading her legs' in the bedroom? Do you subsidize her? Is this a financial arrangement for her and not much else? Please, do try to explain the context of your marriage better.
All I can glean from your post is that you have a woman living with you who fulfills her 'duties' with no passion or interest, and that you 'take care of her'. You are often trying to insert things into her/stimulate her/try to get her to do things that she still to this day isn't interested in. This is what I hear.
Do you want to F her just for the sake of F*ing, or do you want to F her also to express your love towards her in a physical way? You say that you know many other men who have women who 'dread' sex...it sounds more like birds of a feather flock together than there are countless women in the world who hate having sex. The women most closely knit with your social circle/the type of people you tend to associate with dislike it or feign dislike, or dislike their partners.
Women do talk about sex amongst themselves. I have only met, out of the 20 or so females I've gotten to know in the last few years, one woman who hates sex, but it is because she's now abstaining until she meets the right guy for her... You have something in common with guys you talk to, but I don't know guys like this who are stuck in situations like this, aside from ones who are in unhappy and somewhat stale and uncommunicative marriages or relationships, where the partners don't really know each other, or even care to know each other because they aren't together for love and closeness, but for convenience, keeping of appearances, because they 'should be married', for domestic help, etc...anything but something that has to do with true or close to true love. I can imagine a situation like this where there is no love, or the person is just not deeply interested in sex, or the person is religiously hung up about it.
Many people here asked you if you have ever asked her. Have you ever asked her why? If you can't even ask her why, then you've got a problem here that might reflect why you guys aren't working well together on this. And if you have the balls to ask her directly, will she actually give you a clear honest answer? I'm not saying this is your fault, she may be the type to always withhold anything honest. I don't know you or her, but it just seems you should ask her directly and try to get counseling with her if she's willing. You can ask women who are 'in her situation' why she's like this, but no one is in the exact same person or in the exact same situation as her, so you really should go to the source!
...............................
A
male
reader, heed +, writes (30 January 2010):
heed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionObviously the actual question got lost somewhere in this process. The "question" was not why does my wife suck in bed but what I wanted to know from woman in similar circumstances is why there is no desire to educate yourself to make it better. Take for instance my wife's Magic Wand it did the trick for her about 6 years ago and that was then end of any progression. She could care less about trying anything new and unfortunately there is not much I can do since I'll make her loose the spot. That is another question that I would like to know is how can the spot be lost when the MW head is about the size of small fist and has some serious vibrations. But anyhow I would really like to understand why someone in a loving relationship could care less about improving ones sex life.
To answer someone of the questions it has nothing to do with me since I've tried everything. 2 hours of oral, 4 hours of foreplay, back masages, boob massages, you name it and nothing! I don't mistreat her in anyways and I take care of her in everyway possible.
To further the "hot" topic, I stand by my majority. I would say that the majority of guys do not take time for proper foreplay. The remaining 49% that do take our time would be the minority. So when I read about women who have a partner that only wants quickies I'm not affended. So I'm really not sure why this has caused a turmoil. I've lived in multiple locations throughout the U.S. and every guy I ever talked to says that there wives never want it. Even my wife's friends have told her that they dread it when their husbands want it. I would say that just being on this website means you (women) are far from the majority.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): well, i'm definitely not in the just open your legs department. i try to enjoy and be enjoyed. i make a huge effort, am open, and will do anything that doesn't literally hurt me physically, and i do not sleep around.
i suppose if i was in an arranged marriage where i couldn't choose my partner and didn't actually like him, i might just want to lay there and abstain from all involvement of such a physical violation. however, if i were to find this partner affectionate and talented in his own right, i might eventually change my mind...
regarding the sex i've had while being in relationships, i couldn't do it any other way other than to enthusiastically participate, and i don't completely understand why women just lay there like blow-up dolls, but it probably has to do something with puritainism and being 'good'. there's obviously a stereotype in this world that some women are "good" and for keeping, others are more adventurous and for f*ng and forgetting, or keeping on the side. some women literally have developed a mental block (thanks to religious upbringings) that make them shut down when it comes to sex. they feel bad when they get into it.
of course, not all people are so closed minded to actually believe the virgin/whore complex to be true, but i do think it infects the undercurrent of more than a few people's minds. okay, so the sex felt great...later as the shadows shift, the labels change. what a guy felt was fun while he was doing it, has suddenly felt excessive or his needs have been met by this other body and he has no more use or respect for it. the woman who actually made an effort to enjoy sex and improve its quality is labeled a 'sex freak', whore, whatever. this has happened to me before, and i'm not even remotely 'freaky' in a hardcore sense. i do believe that some women are afraid on some level to be labeled as such, if they were to actually make an effort to enjoy themselves and to help their partners enjoy themselves more too.
and of course, some people (both women and men), just don't like sex, even if it feels good. they think it's gross (think graphically speaking--the sometimes robotic repetitive movements, the fluid exchanges, the smells, the sounds, the compulsion to 'do it', etc), some just don't get off on that type of intimacy, some see it as a bastardization of some type of higher and more spiritual love (not my thought really, but i've known some people of either sex who feel that way). not all people enjoy expressing love with their bodies. they think it distracts rather than contributes to the overall quality of a love.
but you really should just ask her, though i don't know if she'll tell you her exact personal reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (30 January 2010):
 LonelyTwo: Absolutely on the money!
heed: your numbers are incorrect! Maybe you have been hanging out with the wrong woman! There is a whole world of us liberated women out there!
I really do think, not only your wife, but you as well, need some sexual guidence. Whether it be from books or a sex threrapist!
I wish you luck with it!
~BG~
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): You want to write a thesis on why "most" 51% or however percent women are bad? Or do you want to figure out how to make sex life with your wife better?
You sound like you only want to complain and vent, which is fine. But its not going to make her do more :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): Just another thought. My first wife was bad in bed - a lot like yours. I dated her for a short time about 8 or so months after we split. Guess what? She was a lot better now. Was it her or was it me that made her better? I suspect it was that both of us looked at our shortcomings and improved.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 January 2010):
We can only base our opinion on what you write here. One little word, and yep, you've pissed a lot of us women off. Women hate to be compared with others, that's insulting, each and everyone of us is very unique.
Brooklyngirl has a point, in the beginning, how far did you go to make sex fun. When a man is insensitive and treats sex as something he dose to you, something you must do to please him, it is a turn off. When a man learns what you like and need, knows how to approach you, knows how to make you laugh in bed and encourages you to take what you want from him, well then yes, it's easier to become excited about sex. Many women who are unhappy with sex with their husbands, suddenly become wild sex kittens when they take a lover. Why dose that happen do you think? From the posts here from adulterous women, they report that their lovers are fun, take time, and make them feel comfortable,relaxed, special and one of a kind.
Instead of asking us how to turn your wife on, you come here to do a sociological study about female sexuality across the world. How is that gonna make your wife more exciting in bed? We answered your question, "Not all women do the missionary position, not all women are boring in bed." Now how dose that answer help improve your sex life?
Your question should have been, "Why is it that my wife and the women married to my male friends do not seem to be adventurous in sex?" I don't know, but from what you've shown us here, you seem to push the wrong buttons, ask the wrong questions, do what you want, rather than ask for advice which will actually help you. You want what you want, but you don't realise that by ignoring us and shutting us out, your not actually solving your problem. If you and your men friends act like this in the bedroom, you'll miss the signs and won't turn the women on. Your blaming the tools (woman), but you need to look at yourself and start blaming the worker (you)
...............................
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Instead of asking others, why don't you just ask your wife why she has no desire to expand her repatoire. Might save you a lot of time and cut to the answer you are looking for.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): Why don't you tell us what you do for her. Do you spend time just cuddling with her in bed? Do you kiss her for no reason? Do you spend time on foreplay before you try to screw her - things like kissing, fondling, touching, giving her oral so that she can have an orgasm or 2 or 3 before you try to screw her? What do you do after you have intercourse - roll over and go to sleep thinking that she should be satisfied or do you cuddle with her? Most guys can be happy with a quick screw, but most woman are left very dissatisfied with that. Sure, most women like a quickie at times, but not often.
I make sure that my wife is enjoying the sex and has at least one orgasm. She sometimes rewards me when I am horny and she is not in the mood by saying, "I'm not in the mood, just screw me." Don't expect her to be happy with that if you don't take care of her needs 80% or 90% of the time. I made that mistake with my first wife when in my 20s. I was a bad lover. It took a divorce and me finally looking at all the things that I had done wrong to change. You know what? Taking the time to make sure that the women who I dated were sexually satisfied turned out to be more enjoyable for me than thinking that just a few kisses and screwing her was sufficient.
...............................
A
male
reader, heed +, writes (30 January 2010):
heed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, ladies. I realized that "most" may become an issue but that doesn't mean that includes 90% but somewhere over 51%. I base this on the my friends wifes and the women I know and I can only think of one woman who is liberated. So sorry but I in my experience it is the majority.
With the question I'm really trying to understand why this "majority" (or alot) of woman don't think it is a good thing to try and educate themselves. After 10 years my wife is perfectly happy putting the majic wand between her legs and calling it good. There hasn't been one thing that she has learned for herself and I can't understand why there isn't that desire to learn.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (30 January 2010):
an after thought! I must go along with the other ladies who don't feel that they are doing "their wifely duties!"
It is playtime! Love-making time! Sex is truly an act of love if two people are on the same page!
...............................
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (30 January 2010):
I think, due to her inexperience in the beginning, it was up to you to guide her, and teach her, and above all please her!!
She is not going to wake up one morning and suddenly become a porn star, with all you see in the movies.
I always agree that the brain is the greatest sex organ!
You need intimacy in your relationship! You need to talk these things over. Communication is key!
~BG~
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): Some women are like that, but I don't think it is most women. I have only been sexually active with 4 women who I have dated, but all of them took some control over our sex. One was all over me as soon as we got back home from a date. The others let me start the foreplay and mostly control the situation, but one thought I was going too slow and told me to come into the bedroom our first time. It's about 50-50 with my wife and girlfriend of 30 years as to who initiates sex. She lets me do it most of the time, but if I'm not in the mood then she will often initiate.
My wife and I have discussed this a few times. She has been with about a dozen men in her life and she would normally just go along with what they started. A lot of that has to do with the fact that men in their 20s and 30s want to get into a woman's pants as soon as they can. She says that she seldom had the chance to initiate sex, even with me our first few years together. She also liked it if a guy would take it slow.
I have a theory that if a guy is good at sex then most women will be good too. If a guy does little to make sure that the woman is enjoying sex then she will just lay there and let him screw her. The 2 women who responded the best to our sex (wife is one of them) had trouble having an orgasm, except with oral sex. Then they had great orgasms. Since I really like doing that, they responded well and played an active part in our sex. My wife has told me that it was rare for a guy to even do that for her and that I was the first one who really seemed to enjoy it. One guy who she dated was very affectionate and she enjoyed sex with him, but didn't orgasm most of the time. He refused to do oral either way, but she still enjoyed sex with him because he took the time to get her into the mood. I think that is the critical part.
As one comedian says - Women are like a diesel motor. It takes time to get them warmed up and running right. Men are like a bottle rocket. There's a lot of truth in that. It takes more than 30 seconds of kissing and feeling her boobs before you plug it in and then expect her to have an instant orgasm. Remember that most women either can't or have a lot of trouble orgasming with intercourse alone. Take the time to make sure that they are enjoying the sex and most women will do more than just lay there.
To the women who don't take some active part, you need to. Tell the guy what position you want this time or if you would like to switch positions. If in the missionary position, don't just lay there. Hook your ankles around his legs or try to kiss. Be a little active. If lying in bed and the guy doesn't seem interested then start kissing him or giving him oral. Both sexes can start the action, at least once you are familiar with each other.
Do take a look at that sexinfo101 site that Miamine posted. I found that a couple of years ago and it has tons of very good information on all parts of sex, both traditional and slightly kinky.
...............................
A
female
reader, veronika +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Just because your wife is crap in bed, it doesn't mean all women are like this or even think that way.
Some people are just more conservative when it comes to sex, and this could possibly stem from self esteem issues.
Personally in the past I have had to mainly deal with a few of my male partners being the more insecure, conservative lovers, not me. So it really isn't a gender issue.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Honestly the majority of young women are not like this. I think that you are better off thinking about getting out of your situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 January 2010):
Here try this website, it's fun for adults and suitable for teenagers. She might find it funny and it might relax her enough to see the fun in sex. For some women, vibrators, sex toys and anything except the usual is very frightening. But there's other things you can introduce and practice to have fun with sex..
Show her this website, ask her to look at it in her own time and choose one activity that looks fun to her that she might like to try... http://www.sexinfo101.com/
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (30 January 2010):
As a man, I think that some couples are a better sex match than others. Some like only vanilla ice cream, while others like to enjoy many flavors.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): I think its you that has the problem. Maybe its time to find out what turns a woman on? You talk about your wife like she is something you bought at a supermarket and would rather take back, if the manager would let you. Your words are very abusive actually. I quote "wifely duties" "refused to try a vibrator" "talked her into a non-dildo vibrator". I suppose you believe you are 'entitled' to more effort from her do you? You have tried all the 'tricks' (tools) to get (manipulate) her to do better in your opinion... but quite honestly if you talk to her about the subject of making love in the same way you have written about it here then I am not surprised she was not interested. Women link sex and love or loving emotions more than men. Work it out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 January 2010):
Instead of lumping all women together and thinking that we're all frigid and scared of sex, I suggest you read some of the answers on this board. Women here have done it all, and a lot of times it's the gun who is scared of sex and runs off.
...............................
A
female
reader, puds123  +, writes (30 January 2010):
I really dont think all women are like that, im not sure if most women are even like that. I personally wouldnt be I mean im with my bf over 3 years and when we got together we didnt make love until our 1 year anniversary because i didnt want to because we were young when we got together but now we do things that the other one likes.
I mean at first i was completely reluctant i HATED being naked i HATED him looking down there and etc. but over time i learned that you have to take your partners needs into account. Maybe you should tell your wife that your feeling shes being unfair and that the reason you want to try new things in the bedroom with her is because you love her and shes the only woman you would ever want to do anything sexual with but i dont think its fair to paint all women with the same brush most women are prepared to compremise and try new things if it satisfies the partners and they arent toally and completely against it
However, if your wife doesnt want to use a vibrater dont make her
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): I dont know what qualifies you to state that there is a huge problem with `most ladies just spreading their legs`. You obviously feel this is the case in your marriage. That cant be a good feeling for you. You probably feel unattractive, not a very good lover. You need reassurance that you are desired and would like more affection from your wife. These are your issues, not what most other ladies do. To address this problem in your marriage. Could you speak to your wife and get her to attend sex therapy with you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (30 January 2010):
Everyone is different, and you can't catagorize all, or even most, women based on what your wife is like.
Plenty of women are very interested and very proactive in making their sex lives better, experimenting, communicating with partners to get and give the most out of the experience, etc, etc.
I for one am the more fwd and out there partner in my relationship (not that my man does not initiate idea's himself - just I do it a lot more) and I would be rolling my eyes in utter boredom if the menu did not change. Some people tho just like to order the parmagiana every time they go out for dinner. It's familiar, they know what it will taste like, and they are guaranteed exactly what they expect. Others will order something they have never tried just for the hell of finding out what it is like, ..but that's people.
It is not 'required' of me tho, just as it is not 'required' of your wife to be different to what she is, ... what might seem more of a requirement in my eyes is that people assess their sexual compatibility (or willingness to explore at least) with a partner before marrying them and deciding sex is a problem after all.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 January 2010):
I know I'm a guy, but I think I can sort of help, though there will be a better answer. Most women DO believe that they can have better sex. The problem is what they think of sex, and how they feel and how they've been brought up. If a woman has been told sex is evil, or it's a disgusting act that should never be done, then she will naturally not want to do it as much, because her beliefs are that it is wrong. If a woman has been told sex is great, then chances are she will look to have great sex and be far more open about it. Also, a lot of women believe their bodies aren't attractive, so will feel uncomfortable about it all. You need to gently find out why your wife isn't all that into sex, and why she's worried about her body. Get her to open up to you a bit, and just listen to what she has to say. It might take time, but just listen, and you may find your answer.
...............................
|
